Author Topic: Bad jokes thread  (Read 139845 times)

Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #615 on: April 27, 2020, 04:46:18 PM »
AND THE HORROR HEADLINES ARE…

Abattoir Staff Will Be Halved
Catering College Staff Cooked for the Queen
Gas Rig Men Grilled By Villagers
Headless Body In Topless Bar
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
New York Ban On Boxing After Death
Patients Cut to Ease Crowding
Porters March Over Asian Immigrants
Rescuers Toasted in Hot Rum
Taxman Crushed in Orange Juice Case
Three Battered In Fish Shop
Woman Falls Three Stories As She Waters Flowers
Woman Hurt While Cooking Husband's Breakfast in a Horrible Manner
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

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Jitter

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #616 on: April 27, 2020, 05:15:47 PM »
The last one would have been even better as

Woman Hurt While Cooking Husband Breakfast in a Horrible Manner

The first two almost had me spit out my evening snack :)
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wavewright62

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #617 on: April 27, 2020, 10:11:18 PM »
Sometimes reality makes the best joke.  I have a clipping in my files somewhere, a picture and article from the NZ Herald in the late 90s.  Page 1, 'above the fold' was a large photo of a cat swimming, ears right back against its head.  It seems pudder's owners threw the moggie into the bay every day, and crikey dick, the cat swam back to shore every time! 
The owner swore that the cat loved it.
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Purple Wyrm

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #618 on: April 28, 2020, 12:53:24 AM »
We used to get some great sports headlines when Dennis Pagan was coaching one of the national football sides :))
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Might remember some in an emergency :italy:
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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #619 on: April 28, 2020, 09:28:02 AM »
We used to get some great sports headlines when Dennis Pagan was coaching one of the national football sides :))

[I have a collection of great sports howlers to share - in the meantime:

AND THE BEST FAMILY LIFE AND SEX LIFE HEADLINES ARE…

20-Year Friendship Ends At Nashville Altar
Father Should Be Included In Planning First Child
Mounting Problems For Young Couples
New Screwing Method Cuts Fatigue and Increases Productivity
Panda Mating Fails; Vet Takes Over
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Sterility May Be Inherited
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

Ruler of Bartolomeu de Gusmão Airport.

Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #620 on: April 30, 2020, 04:37:37 AM »
AND THE REST OF THE BEST HEADLINES ARE…

Blaze Closes Crematorium
Bristol Flower Group Picks Their Leader
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Council Decides To Make Safe Danger Spots
Filming In Cemetery Angers Residents
Girl With A Detective In Her Boot
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Joint Body Plan for Cemetery
New Shocks on Electricity Bills
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Public Health Problem: Special Committee Sits On Bed Bug
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Shell Found On Beach
The Common Market - Swiss Role for Britain?
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

Ruler of Bartolomeu de Gusmão Airport.

Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #621 on: May 03, 2020, 08:03:26 AM »
After the death of Quasimodo, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After seeing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" 
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! There's more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and fell dead on the spot. 
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," said the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

Ruler of Bartolomeu de Gusmão Airport.

Purple Wyrm

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #622 on: May 04, 2020, 12:14:31 AM »
Keeping on theme, what lives in a bell tower and goes rustle rustle rustle?

Spoiler: show
The Lunchwrap of Notre Dame!

sorry
Native :australia:
Fluent :newzealand: :uk: :usa: :canada: (Yes, I realise that's cheating)
Might remember some in an emergency :italy:
Understands the concept, just not the specifics :vaticancity:

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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #623 on: May 05, 2020, 11:03:25 PM »
Some English subtitles in Hong Kong films - some of them have been verified by a friend who's a fan of the genre.

"A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries." -- Brain Theft
"Beat him out of recognizable shape!" -- Police Story 2
"Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected." -- Saviour of the Soul
"Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!" -- Pedicab Driver
"Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep." -- Pedicab Driver
"Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person."
"Gun wounds again?" -- Rich and Famous
"He is jealousing!" -- Dr. Wai and the Scripture Without Words
"He started it first!" -- Fong Sai-Yuk II
"How can you use my intestines as a gift?" -- The Beheaded 100
"I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way." -- Holy Weapon
"I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg's hair!" -- As Tears Go By
"I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!" -- The Iceman Cometh
"I will kill you until you are dead from it!"
"I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!" -- Pom Pom and Hot Hot
"It is destinated to be you!" -- Dr. Wai and the Scripture Without Words
"I've to cut partial of my freedom." -- Once Upon a Time In China and America
"Just scold Chang as 'Shame-less asshole' for three times. Then you will free from this kind of suffer forever." -- The Kung Fu Cult Master
"Master, where are those people of Ming Sect? They seem to be disappeared." Kung Fu Cult Master
"Quiet or I'll blow your throat up." -- On the Run
"Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants." -- The Seventh Curse
"The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?" -- Lethal Panther
"This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat."
"Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?" -- Armour of God
"Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination."
"You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken." -- Pedicab Driver
"You are too useless. And now I must beat you."
"You daring lousy guy." -- Satyr Monks
"You will not happy ending!" -- The Kung Fu Cult Master

 
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

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Jitter

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #624 on: May 06, 2020, 01:40:08 AM »
I can well see in my mind’s eye how someone is jealousing.
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Róisín

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #625 on: May 06, 2020, 04:58:21 AM »
I always find it amusing to hear these headlines read out in Yastreb’s voice, which is rather deep, with a sort of radio announcer’s clarity of tone, and sounds serious even when he is being funny. A good voice for jokes.
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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #626 on: May 08, 2020, 11:52:14 PM »
Ladies and Gentlemen! For your amusement, I give you...

MOVIE MASHUPS!


Battle Beyond The Fists Of The North Stars
Closely Observed Trainspotting
Cloud Atlas Shrugged
Conan The Barbarian Queen
How Soylent Green Was My Valley Of The Dolls
In the Heat of the Judgement Night Deathstalker
Kiss Of The Dragonslayer
Let's Get Harry Carter Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone
The Magnificent Seven Days Of The Cruise Of The Condor in May
The Long Swift Sword And The Sorcerer Of The Valiant Siegfried
Close Encounter Of The Third Kind Hearts And Coronets
The Lavender Hamburger Hill Mob
Where Iron Eagles Dare
Master and Commander: The Far Side Of The World Of Suzie Wong
Panic Room At The Top
Reservoir Dogs Of War
Saving Private Ryan's Daughter
Shout at the Devil In A Blue Dress
Sleeping With The Enemy At The Gates
Terminators Of Endearment
The Beastmaster Of The World
The Gods and Generals Must Be Crazy
Lost Event Horizon
Fried Green Tomatoes For Danger
The Sixth Day Of The Jackal
Grey Ladyhawke Down
The Day The World Caught Fire Down The Enemy Below
The Dead Italian Snow Job
All Quiet On The Wild Wild Western Front Page
Anatomy Of A Murder By Death Ship of Fools
The Longest Day Of The Dolphin
The Taking of Pelham One Two Three Men And A Baby
Drop Dead Gorgeous Fred
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

Ruler of Bartolomeu de Gusmão Airport.

wavewright62

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #627 on: May 11, 2020, 09:58:47 PM »
Some more?

Death Becomes Her Smell
Singin' in the Purple Rain
Bridge Over the River Kwai Runs Through It
The World's Fastest Indian According to Garp
It's a Beautiful Life of American Pi
Little Miss Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Games
The War Games of the Worlds
It Came From Outer Spaceballs
The Last Airbender Like Beckham
A Walk in the Clouds With a Chance of Meatballs
Aliens of the Deep Throat
The Brother From Another Planet of the Apes
Children of a Lesser Gods Must Be Crazy Stupid Love
Under the Brokeback Mountain
The Quiet Earth Girls Are Easy Money
Peter and the Teen Wolf of Wall Street
No Country for Old Men in Black Behaving Badly
Twelve Angry Grumpy Old Men

and for 'Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension'... I got nuthin'
« Last Edit: May 11, 2020, 10:03:09 PM by wavewright62 »
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thegreyarea

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #628 on: May 12, 2020, 07:52:21 AM »
Yastreb and Wave, those are marvelous!  ;D ;D ;D
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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #629 on: May 12, 2020, 10:03:24 AM »
Ladies and Gentlemen, pray silence for...

PLASTERED PROVERBS!

(Part one)

You can't pour water from a dead horse.
There's no point flogging an empty vessel.

Needs must as the fat lady sings.
It ain’t over until the devil drives.

You can’t make a silk purse out of a golden egg.
Don’t kill the goose that laid the sow's ear.

Loose lips make light work.
Many hands sink ships.

If a tree falls in the forest, and no-one is there to hear it, the one eyed man is king.
In the country of the blind, does it make a sound?

How long is the head of a pin?
How many angels can dance on a piece of string?

The early bird has no turning
It’s a long road that gets the worm

A rolling stone has no turning.
It’s a long road that gathers no moss.

People who live in glass houses blame their tools.
Bad workmen shouldn’t throw stones.

A rolling stone makes light work.
Many hands gather no moss.

A rolling stone saves nine.
A stitch in time gathers no moss.

Don’t cry over the messenger.
Don’t shoot spilled milk.

Don’t put all your eggs before the horse.
Don’t put the cart in one basket.

You can’t fight the messenger.
Don’t shoot city hall.

Every cloud has a whimper.
Not with a bang but a silver lining.

There’s a sucker born twixt cup and lip.
There’s many a slip every minute.

Give a dog a bad name and he’ll take a mile.
Give him an inch and it will stick to him.
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

Ruler of Bartolomeu de Gusmão Airport.