Bad jokes thread

[Róisín]

Those are funny!

[JoB]

You can't pour water from a dead horse.
There's no point flogging an empty vessel.

Spoiler: somewhat explicit mental image • show

"I used to be into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia, but then I realized that I was just flogging a dead horse."

[Alkia]

phaha, these all sound like things my mom would accidentally say (she's the kind of person who combines idioms, or gets them almost right but not quite. Same with names (ex: Mrs. Hazelwood and Mr. Johnston becomes Mrs. Hazelton))

[wavewright62]

Oh my gosh, and Yogi Berra was famous for his seeming twisted sayings!
He was the one credited with "Wherever you go, there you are" and "It ain't over until it's over."
He is, however, also reputed to have said "I never said most of the things I said."

[Purple Wyrm]

Some English subtitles in Hong Kong films - some of them have been verified by a friend who's a fan of the genre.

A little off topic, but the lyrics to the Shivaree Song 'Daring Lousy Guy' are 90% built from these quotes...

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[Purple Wyrm]

Oh my gosh, and Yogi Berra was famous for his seeming twisted sayings!
He was the one credited with "Wherever you go, there you are" and "It ain't over until it's over."
He is, however, also reputed to have said "I never said most of the things I said."

Those of us of a certain vintage will remember some of the... odd things said by American Vice President Dan Quayle

• Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
• Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
• Mars is essentially in the same orbit . . . Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
• What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
• The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.
• I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.
• One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.'
• Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
• I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
• The future will be better tomorrow.
• We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
• People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
• I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.
• We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
• I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
• I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
• When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
• Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
• We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
• For NASA, space is still a high priority.
• Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
• It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.

[Yastreb]

Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for...

PLASTERED PROVERBS!

(Part Two)

The hand that rocks the cradle calls the tune.
Whoever pays the piper rules the world.

It’s an ill wind that has no turning.
It’s a long road that blows nobody any good.

Never draw to a sheep as for a lamb.
Might as well be hanged for an inside straight.

One man’s meat is worth more than good advice
A good scare is another man’s poison.

Enough is the best policy.
Honesty is as good as a feast.

Don't let your mouth make lemonade.
If life gives you lemons, write cheques you can't cash

All that glisters is not Rome.
All roads lead to gold.

A change is as good as the dawn.
It’s always darkest before a holiday.

God helps those who dance on the head of a pin.
How many angels can help themselves?

When in Rome, shepherd’s delight.
Red sky at night, do as the Romans do.

Loose lips ask questions later.
Shoot first and sink ships.

Birds of a feather gang aft agley.
The best laid plans of mice and men flock together.

Many a mickle makes a thousand words.
A picture is worth a muckle.

All roads get the grease.
The squeaky wheel leads to Rome.

I'll give him a dose in his own coins.
I'll give him the change of his own medicine.

You can't make an omelette without small steps.
Big journeys begin with breaking eggs.

A drowning man will clutch at its weakest link.
A chain is only as strong as a straw.

If life gives you lemons, make a silk purse from a sow's ear.
You can't make lemonade.

A Smith and Wesson beats the bold
Fortune favours four aces

[Jitter]

Yastreb, some of these are solid advice! Enough is the best policy, and globally so sorely needed! It IS always darkest before the holiday. And, indeed, I can’t make lemonade.

Purple, I had forgotten about the wisdom given to us by Mr Quayle! I wonder of the current White House occupant will be as easy to forget...

[Róisín]

Wyrm and Yastreb, both of those make me chuckle! But I fear that the word salad of the current incumbent  outdoes even Quayle. Quayle at least was coherent, if often wrong about facts. And the concept of  ‘alternate facts’ had not yet been invented. *sighs*

[JoB]

But I fear that the word salad of the current incumbent  outdoes even Quayle.

When comparing Quayle and Trump, we can rest assured that one of them was downright prophetic.

• People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.

[Yastreb]

I'll offer just one example of the current POTUS' word salad.

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-mouth-musical-instrument/

[Yastreb]

Ladies and Gentlemen, pray silence for...

PLASTERED PROVERBS!

(Part Three)

If you can’t stand the heat, make lemonade.
If life gives you lemons, don’t set yourself on fire.

Time flies like home.
There’s no place like an arrow.

Revenge is a girl’s best friend.
Diamonds are a dish best served cold.

A good man is worth two in the bush.
A bird in the hand is hard to find.

Uneasy lies the head that gathers no moss.
A rolling stone wears the crown.

Time and tide sink ships.
Loose lips wait for no man.

It is never too late to swallow a camel.
Strain at a gnat and mend.

Don’t count your chickens while the iron is hot.
Strike before they hatch.

Hell has no fury like a blind horse.
A nod’s as good as a wink to a woman scorned.

The road to hell is the shortest way home.
The longest way round is paved with good intentions.

If you can’t stand the heat, write cheques you can't cash.
Don't let your mouth get out of the kitchen.

A nod’s as good as a wink to a lizard drinking.
Flat out like a blind horse.

Fair suck of the whip.
Fair crack of the sauce bottle.

May the fleas of a thousand camels kick your dunny down.
May your chooks turn into emus and infest your armpits.

Spare the rod and ask questions later.
Shoot first and spoil the child.

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t set yourself on fire.
If you can’t stand the heat, try, try again.

Don't fear a sandshoe
Don't blow the reaper

At night all cats are lost.
He who hesitates is grey.

[Jitter]

I don’t think Grey hesitates any more than any of us!

Again, solid advice. If at first you don’t succeed, don’t, I repeat don’t set yourself on fire. Not even if there are lemons!

[Róisín]

These are so funny! Especially the fleas and emus. It occurs to me that this one might be puzzling to non-Australians: to those who don’t know the Australian dialect of English, both sayings are invocations of ridiculous misfortune on an offending person.

‘May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.’ is clear enough, but ‘May all your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.’ may be incomprehensible to those who don’t talk Strine. To clarify: a dunny is a rough outdoor toilet/latrine, often a pit with a splintery wooden seat and obligatory redback spiders under the aforesaid seat, and is usually provided with reading materials, not to be confused with the bunch of newspaper squares hung on a nail for wiping. It is a very necessary comfort facility in remote areas, even in these decadent times.

A chook is an Australian chicken. An emu (not to be confused with the Finnish ‘emuu’ which is something utterly different) is an Australian wild bird, often as tall as a human, somewhat resembling an ostrich, and famous for its huge horny feet, large beak which is Very freely used on anything which annoys it, and its extremely irascible temperament. I certainly would not care to be in a dunny which was being kicked down by a mob of the things.

[Grade E cat]

Partial translation of a French store's Covid-19 sign that was shared on a social network:

If you are over 70 and if you are pregnant, the store is reserved for you from 8 to 8:30 AM. [...] ID will be requested for people over 70. Documentary proof will be requested for pregnant women and infants under 1 year old.