Bad jokes thread

[Grade E cat]

My cat is a kneader, so I can relate. Here's one I thought of recently:

Me: Awww, you want to cuddle with me, you're so sweet.
Weather report: This week starts the year's second go at a summer-to-autumn transition. Expect rain and a drop in temperature.

[dmeck7755]

this was too silly to pass up

[Yastreb]

What follows are howlers that I saw and noted down (so first-hand).

At a bakery:  "Please use tongues, not hands, to remove cakes"

From Bigpond online news
Bad buttocks procedure burns star
Mexican rock star Alejandra Guzman says she has been hospitalised with an infection from buttocks injections she had to make herself 'more beautiful'.
(I suppose that's what happens when a story gets phoned in...)

A sign at a salon: "Hair, Beauty and Fat Removal."
(So the goal is bald, ugly and thin?)

[Róisín]

Love that t shirt. It explains much about life.

[Yastreb]

Some more "Change/add/remove one letter..."

He vowed he go to the ends of the Earth to woo her, but gave up. She was... A Bride Too Far.

Duelling banjos? Not in India! There, they have... Sitar Wars.

Gauntlets, meet mittens. It's a match made in Heaven. It's... Glove Story.

[dmeck7755]

This is a prank worthy of Mikkel

[JoB]

This is a prank worthy of Mikkel

[pulls a baking tin of Rocher au gratin from the oven]
... umh, how so?

Spoiler: show

Seriously, and yes, I know I'm repeating myself: Yum, Poppeküchekäppesche ("doll's kitchen cabbagelings")!

[angsttronaut]

A man goes to the eye doctor one night and says 'Doctor, I'm short sighted!'

The doctor nods. 'Lie down and look through the skylight.'

The man does as he is asked, and looks through the skylight.

'What do you see?' asks the eye doctor.

'The stars.'

'Well, how far do you want to see?'

[Yastreb]

You probably don't know this, but koi carp swim in groups of four for safety. If they're attacked, koi A, B and C will flee, leaving the attacker with the D Koi.

[Grade E cat]

From an obscure series I'm watching only for the asexual representation:

Don't get in a conversation with a perpetual motion specialist, they never shut up.

[Yastreb]

A man who refused anaesthetic while having a tooth removed said that he would fight the pain with the power of his mind. Apparently he could transcend dental medication.

[Yastreb]

I don't like talking about Japanese swords. I've always found them to be a tachi subject.

[Buteo]

I'm lucky to still have one of my friends. He almost died laughing when one of those people who want to show how knowledgeable they are told him "I'm going to get some of those Japanese swords - a katana and a wasabi."

[Róisín]

I reckon all you could kill with wasabi would be some taste buds.

[JoB]

I don't like talking about Japanese swords. I've always found them to be a tachi subject.

Indeed, it's a tsuba difficult topic to discuss.

I reckon all you could kill with wasabi would be some taste buds.

Spoiler: NerdAlert • show

Untrue, unfortunately. Consumption of super hot dishes always comes with some risk of cardiac arrest, like all activities that put stress on your circulation. Also, wasabi in particular is nephrotoxic, and it doesn't affect taste buds but noci- and thermoceptors (through TRPA1 and TRPV1), which is why it is an irritant to mucous membranes other than the tongue, too.