Bad jokes thread

[Róisín]

I grow the stuff. It’s a beautiful plant, and in minute quantities has medicinal uses, but I personally would be disinclined to consume it in anything like the usual quantities people eat. Then, I am not enthusiastic about eating chili either, while being perfectly willing to use a tincture of it as a local application to reduce the pain of shingles. I need my senses of taste and smell, thank you. And yeah, I can certainly see how eating stupid amounts of either might damage the kidneys.

[dmeck7755]

I love wasabi.  Though I cannot ingest a lot in one sitting.  (Causes Rumblies in the tumblies)

I have never had the mucous membrane irritation, but the tips of my ears will get really tingly.

[Buteo]

I found out early on that if I tried to eat Sushi with any amount of wasabi on it, I could not taste anything but the wasabi - and my tongue did not like that, at all. I've never understood the attraction of having your food bite back.

[Yastreb]

"I really like Beyonce!"
"Hey, whatever floats your boat."
"No, that's buoyancy."

[Yastreb]

I dreamed last night that I was sailing an orange ocean... but it was all a Fanta sea

[Grade E cat]

Modified from TV tropes, requires a spelled out curse word to work:

Spoiler: show

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in the process of divorcing on the grounds of cheating on the latter's part. Mickey is so angry while writing the statement that he allows his lawyer to rephrase it after the fact. On the day the judge is examining the case:
Judge: I see here that you wish for a divorce on grounds of mental ilness...
Mickey: Wait, this is not what I meant when I wrote she was ducking Goofy.

Edit: Now I'm laughing at what the curse word got changed to by the censor, considering the setup I'm using for the joke.

[Jitter]

Yeah, the Forum obscenity-eating troll has been at it! It does add a meta layer of amusement 

[Yastreb]

A casual reference to a certain famous sketch on a famous TV comedy while Skype-chatting led to... this!

(A customer walks in the door.)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning sir, welcome to Reynolds' Rifle Emporium.
Customer: Ah thank you my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: I'd like to buy a bolt-action military grade rifle.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a Mauser Gewehr 1888.
O: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Mauser Gewehr 1888s.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Springfields?
O: I'm afraid we never have those at the end of the week, sir.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well then, a Karabiner 98k, if you please.
O: Ah! It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
C: Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Mannlicher-Carcano?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Ross Mark 3?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Springfield M1903?
O: Sorry.
C: Any Krag-Jorgensens, per chance?
O: No.
C: Berthier?
O: No..
C: VZ24?
O: (pause) No.
C: Vitterli Vitali?
O: No.
C: MAS CR 36, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have that, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's ah... it's not in good condition.
C: Oh, I don’t mind that.
O: Well,.. It's in very poor condition, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither le fusil de la Belle France!
O: I...think it's unsafe to use, sir.
C: I don't care how unsafe to use it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oh........! (pause)
C: What now?
O: The stock’s been completely eaten away.
C: (pause) Has it?
O: Yes sir. Termites.
(pause)
C: Lee-Metford?
O: No.
C: Mannlicher M1888?
O: No.
C: Arisaka Type 38?
O: No sir.
C: You... do have rifles, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a Rifle Emporium, sir. We've got...
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uh, Enfield...
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have one!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Enfield, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Dreyse Needle-gun?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: FN Model 24?
O: No.
C: VZ33?
O: No.
C: Schmidt-Rubin?
O: Not today, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Short-Magazine Lee-Enfield Mark 4?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much call... it's the single most popular bolt-action military grade rifle in the world!
O: Not around here, sir.
C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular bolt-action military grade rifle around hyah?
O: Mosin-Nagant, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular around here.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uh... Mosin-Nagant, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a Rifle Emporium, is it?
O: Finest in the district sir!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by rifles.
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Lebel Modele 1887, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be.
C: (slowly) Have you got a Lebel Modele 1887?
O: No.
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any bolt-action military grade rifles here at all?
O: Yes, sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: No sir. Not a single one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
C: You know, if I had a rifle, I could shoot you right now.
O: That is an amusing irony, sir.

Spoiler: show

I'll confess that the last exchange is how the variant appearing in Order Of The Stick ended.
https://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0136.html

[Yastreb]

If a novel is set in a paper-making factory... could it be called pulp fiction?

[Yastreb]

The man who discovered the wind chill factor died recently.
He was 82, but felt like 67.

[Róisín]

What did the dentist say to the golfer?
“You have a hole in one!”

[Yastreb]

How was it that the golf-playing arch-sceptic never had any problems getting out of sand traps?

He was an expert de-bunker.

[GOBBO]

This is one of my favorite joKes. Ahem:Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange Who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange Who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Bannanna! \
Banana Who?
Banana You Glad I Didn't Say Orange Again?!

Here's another!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Bannanna! \
Banana Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Bannanna! \
Banana Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Bannanna! \
Banana Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana Wh--
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!![/font]

[Yastreb]

A man went to the doctor and told his GP, "I've got lettuce sticking out of my backside, is it bad?"
The doctor tells him, "I'm afraid so. It's just the tip of the Iceberg."

[dmeck7755]

For you starwars fans

What is the internal temperature of a  tauntaun ?

Spoiler: show

Luke warm..