General Discussion Thread

[mithrysc]

But I've gotta make that call in the next few hours, or I'll end up never doing it at all. And I could use whatever good luck you guys can send my way!

You can do it! Because you just need to do it once, and, for me, personally, no matter how stupid I thought I sounded or how horribly fast my heart is beating, it'll be over and that's the main thing. Or at least that one phone call will be over. I also wish you luck dealing with all the things that come after the phone call.

And don't worry. Like Sunflower said, we'll be here for you (in a non- creepy-internet-stalker-sort-of-way).

[Fen Shen]

I hope you've already made the phone call - I know that feeling all too well when you're sitting in front of the telephone with sweating hands... but afterwards when it's over, I tell myself it wasn't that bad (and in most cases it really wasn't).

And I agree with sunflower, no need to apologize. Good luck & best wishes... get better soon.

[hushpiper]

DONE. PHONE CALL MADE. *melts and collapses in a pile of goo* You're all right, it wasn't as bad as I was thinking--it really never is, is it?--but god it's still exhausting. *begins emergency Guardians of the Galaxy music treatment*

Thank you so much guys <333333333333

[Eich]

DONE. PHONE CALL MADE. *melts and collapses in a pile of goo* You're all right, it wasn't as bad as I was thinking--it really never is, is it?--but god it's still exhausting. *begins emergency Guardians of the Galaxy music treatment*

Thank you so much guys <333333333333

I couldn't respond, cause I was staying at work late, but I said a quick prayer for ya.
It takes some strength to overcome excuses.  Glad you made the call! 

[Oskutin]

I hope you've already made the phone call - I know that feeling all too well when you're sitting in front of the telephone with sweating hands... but afterwards when it's over, I tell myself it wasn't that bad (and in most cases it really wasn't).

And I agree with sunflower, no need to apologize. Good luck & best wishes... get better soon.

Me too, phonecalls are really hard to do.
I always delay them

[OrigamiOwl]

DONE. PHONE CALL MADE. *melts and collapses in a pile of goo* You're all right, it wasn't as bad as I was thinking--it really never is, is it?--but god it's still exhausting. *begins emergency Guardians of the Galaxy music treatment*

Thank you so much guys <333333333333

Awesome! You phoned! I've now got the courage to phone my measly doc for a blood test appt

At first I thought you said "Rise of the Guardians" and thought, 'yeah? It was alright I guess?' And then I re-read and saw "Galaxy" and went 'DUUUH *facepalm*'
Derp= Yeah!=

[hushpiper]

Can I ask what it was your friend noticed? I've got a similar situation, but if you don't want to that's fine

I don't mind! I try to talk openly about this stuff whenever I can--and point it out whenever I see it in others--because if somebody had done that for me at any point in my life? Things would be very different now. Besides, I've gotta talk to the doctor about it anyway, might as well get my story straight.

The thing about this friend is that she's spookily dialed-in to my mental/physical/emotional state. She can usually tell if I'm getting sick, or if I have an emotional crisis creeping up, long before I notice it. (We have, by the way, never met face to face.) But she knows I won't take "you ~feel~ wrong to me" as a serious answer, so what she actually pointed out is that I've been tired lately. Gray. Enough that it's noticeable to anybody who knows me and cares to pay attention, even over text. With "lately" being (her words) 8 days out of 10 for the past two months at least--yes, she keeps track of that kind of thing. Usually I'm a very talkative person, particularly with her, but every conversation I have with anyone these days falls flat after the first sentence because I just have nothing to say. What's that Adventure Time quote? "I just been feeling kind of... gray, is all. Like my inside voice has been kinda quiet lately. Not a lot of instructions forthcoming, y'know?" It's like that.

Once she pointed it out I could fill in the other blanks--being irritated at things that usually wouldn't bother me, avoiding phone calls/people/eating/[insert whatever basic-care thing you can think of here], sleep problems--both too much and too little, having to lower my expectations and fall back on old coping mechanisms in order to stay functional ("I will do ONE hard thing today and then I can sleep")... etc. Even stuff that's usually fun just gets wrapped in gray. You know I meant to do at least like 3 more posts on the Uniform Overanalysis thread over the hiatus? They're half typed up and everything! I just ended up... having nothing to give for them. I'd sit and stare at them for a while, then just wander off and do... nothing.

Most of it comes down to knowing myself and knowing what my personal warning signs are, how I react when things aren't right in my head. I know by now (and shouldn't have needed reminding) that when my brain starts screwing with me I won't recognize it unless I keep an eye out for those warning signs. Because--moral of the story here--depression makes you stupid. Really stupid. So: avoiding interacting with people that I like--that's a bad sign. Feeling gray or foggy, like nothing is interesting, that's another one. Losing track of time, so I come-to hours later and wonder what I was doing that whole time--that's a very bad sign. Not having an appetite, or being hungry but not wanting to eat... I'm a former anorexic. That's a horrifyingly bad sign. That's a "freak out, run in circles, eat like five cheeseburgers STAT" sign. And it should've freaked me out when I noticed it--it would've at any other time--but everything was too gray and it just didn't seem important. Again, depression? Turns otherwise reasonable people into complete idiots.

[Eich]

Awesome! You phoned! I've now got the courage to phone my measly doc for a blood test appt

At first I thought you said "Rise of the Guardians" and thought, 'yeah? It was alright I guess?' And then I re-read and saw "Galaxy" and went 'DUUUH *facepalm*'
Derp= Yeah!=

Oh, yeah, I just remembered.  Today I saw a pamphlet for Origami Owl custom jewelry on my manager's desk. . I did a double take cause that was the last thing I was expensive expecting to see at work!

I do some of those things on a regular basis.  Particularly the food ones, but mainly because I'm on the middle of something and don't want to make food.  Also, yes, depression sucks.  I don't know how else to say it, except maybe to add what you said about how it makes people stupid.    I got pretty depressed in early-mid high school and early college, but thankfully I'm doing better now.  Anyway, If you've been through it once, I'm sure you can get through it again.

[mithrysc]

DONE. PHONE CALL MADE. *melts and collapses in a pile of goo* You're all right, it wasn't as bad as I was thinking--it really never is, is it?--but god it's still exhausting. *begins emergency Guardians of the Galaxy music treatment*

Thank you so much guys <333333333333

Aw yeah! You did it! And you can also get through the rest of it.

Now I have to do all the things I'm delaying... *cough*essays*cough*

[curiosity]

Once she pointed it out I could fill in the other blanks--being irritated at things that usually wouldn't bother me, avoiding phone calls/people/eating/[insert whatever basic-care thing you can think of here], sleep problems--both too much and too little, having to lower my expectations and fall back on old coping mechanisms in order to stay functional ("I will do ONE hard thing today and then I can sleep")... etc. Even stuff that's usually fun just gets wrapped in gray. You know I meant to do at least like 3 more posts on the Uniform Overanalysis thread over the hiatus? They're half typed up and everything! I just ended up... having nothing to give for them. I'd sit and stare at them for a while, then just wander off and do... nothing.

The thing you've described is... well... my permanent state for at least two years now. Do you people really think you should see the doctor when you feel like that?

Then again, everyone is different. For example, this may be wrong for you, but for someone else who is used to cope up with it for a really long time it may be a natural state.

Anyway, if you feel this is wrong, I wish you get out of this state as soon as possible and get back to your usual self after all 

[OrigamiOwl]

The thing you've described is... well... my permanent state for at least two years now. Do you people really think you should see the doctor when you feel like that?

Then again, everyone is different. For example, this may be wrong for you, but for someone else who is used to cope up with it for a really long time it may be a natural state.

Anyway, if you feel this is wrong, I wish you get out of this state as soon as possible and get back to your usual self after all 

I'm very much the same, been that way for nearly a decade. I've just thought it's a normal thing for me now. It's weird when I don't feel mildly like poop, like, not-right like something's wrong or it shouldn't be happening or that it means something terrible will happen later, like I'll be in trouble. Then again, I do share a house with quite a few mental things going on so my perception of normal probably isn't right :/
I've just been told that it's not something I should advertise the existence of, because it's not there. But there are decades worth of tattered self help books in our library that say different oh dear parents of mine.
But egh. It's not causing me or anyone major trouble so it'd be too inconvenient to try fixing it with ought wreaking everything. :/

I really admire that you just go get things done like *snaps fingers*

[Sunflower]

That's a very on-point description of depression, hushpiper.  One that some of us can testify to from experience -- and the rest of us should keep in mind.
--> Depression is *not* "being really sad." <-- 

The brilliantly weird humorist and cartoonist Allie Brosh, who writes the blog "Hyperbole and a Half," went silent for more than a year.  When she finally reappeared, it was with two searingly painful yet funny posts about what depression feels like from the inside.
* Adventures in Depression, Part 1
* Adventures in Depression, Part 2

Some quotes:
...[T]rying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back.  A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work.

I spent months shut in my house, surfing the internet on top of a pile of my own dirty laundry which I set on the couch for "just a second" because I experienced a sudden moment of apathy on my way to the washer and couldn't continue. And then, two weeks later, I still hadn't completed that journey. But who cares - it wasn't like I had been showering regularly and sitting on a pile of clothes isn't necessarily uncomfortable. But even if it was, I couldn't feel anything through the self hatred anyway, so it didn't matter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.

Slowly, my feelings started to shrivel up. The few that managed to survive the constant beatings staggered around like wounded baby deer, just biding their time until they could die and join all the other carcasses strewn across the wasteland of my soul.

...I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is.

Skipping directly to the end: Allie Brosh does eventually get better, but it's a long, painful process. 


The point is that depression (often) isn't some big angsty Thing, like the grief you feel when someone dies.  Instead, it's the leaching away of your life-energy.  Kind of like the Dementors in the Harry Potter books, come to think of it -- and people have speculated that JKR created them as an allegory of clinical depression. 

Often, the leaching process is so gradual that you don't even notice how things in your life have withered away until the phone stops ringing and the mail is only unpaid bills.  (Or, I guess for you kiddies, no texts?)

So just realizing what's going on with you is a *major* first step.  And doing something about it -- anything! -- is the second major step. 


In terms of the story, if one of our own is wrestling with something like this, it's basically Lalli vs. the underwater Hiisi-spirit, only slower.  We can't provide the protective Cat-Bomb attacks, but at least we can cheer them on from the shore.


Warm towel, anyone?

I don't mind! I try to talk openly about this stuff whenever I can--and point it out whenever I see it in others--because if somebody had done that for me at any point in my life? Things would be very different now.

...What she actually pointed out is that I've been tired lately. Gray. Enough that it's noticeable to anybody who knows me and cares to pay attention, even over text. ... Usually I'm a very talkative person, particularly with her, but every conversation I have with anyone these days falls flat after the first sentence because I just have nothing to say.

What's that Adventure Time quote? "I just been feeling kind of... gray, is all. Like my inside voice has been kinda quiet lately. Not a lot of instructions forthcoming, y'know?"

Once she pointed it out I could fill in the other blanks--being irritated at things that usually wouldn't bother me, avoiding phone calls/people/eating/[insert whatever basic-care thing you can think of here], sleep problems--both too much and too little, having to lower my expectations and fall back on old coping mechanisms in order to stay functional ("I will do ONE hard thing today and then I can sleep")... etc.

Even stuff that's usually fun just gets wrapped in gray. ... I'd sit and stare for a while, then just wander off and do... nothing.

Moral of the story here--depression makes you stupid. Really stupid.

So: avoiding interacting with people that I like--that's a bad sign. Feeling gray or foggy, like nothing is interesting, that's another one. Losing track of time, so I come-to hours later and wonder what I was doing that whole time--that's a very bad sign. Not having an appetite, or being hungry but not wanting to eat...

but everything was too gray and it just didn't seem important. Again, depression? Turns otherwise reasonable people into complete idiots.

[Oskutin]

The thing you've described is... well... my permanent state for at least two years now. Do you people really think you should see the doctor when you feel like that?

Then again, everyone is different. For example, this may be wrong for you, but for someone else who is used to cope up with it for a really long time it may be a natural state.

Anyway, if you feel this is wrong, I wish you get out of this state as soon as possible and get back to your usual self after all 

Same here too.

I avoid and procrastinate answering phonecalls and calling and sometimes even emails.
It's also really hard to get sleep, it might take hours before i fell asleep at nights (days are an exception...) in infinite thinking loop thinking usefull and completely useless things. During my whole life falling asleep has been generally very hard...
I also avoid most of the people (but i always want to talk with some people i find interesting and not avoid them, but that kind of people are rare.) and tend to prefer to go to eat when theres nobody else in the kitchen.

Some of those are common with my team too.

Seems that those are linked with introversion.
In example the phonephobia when trying to call, we don't want to disturb people and we require a lot of information about the other guy to make that call, to avound unwanted reactions.

[curiosity]

Seems that those are linked with introversion.
In example the phonephobia when trying to call, we don't want to disturb people and we require a lot of information about the other guy to make that call, to avound unwanted reactions.

Some of those, yes. Like avoiding phone calls (boy, I've always hated phone/skype talks for lots of different reasons).
But feeling like a squeezed out lemon after doing things that usually require low effort has nothing to do with introversion, methinks. Same for having no enthusiasm for your favourite tasks or feeling no joy at all. (Yet all these are managable, you can still functionate well enough not to die, so it is okay if it is natural for you, I guess).

[hushpiper]

The thing you've described is... well... my permanent state for at least two years now. Do you people really think you should see the doctor when you feel like that?

Then again, everyone is different. For example, this may be wrong for you, but for someone else who is used to cope up with it for a really long time it may be a natural state.

Anyway, if you feel this is wrong, I wish you get out of this state as soon as possible and get back to your usual self after all 

Aw thanks! Going off of whether something "feels wrong" is actually a very good metric--assuming, of course, that you're recognizing your feelings honestly, which is hard. But depression is actually remarkably consistent from person to person. A few things might be specific to one person depending on their history (not eating would be bad for anybody, but not as horribad as it is for me because of my history), and of course you'll have some symptoms but not others. But it's pretty consistent, overall. And my own history on this is complicated. I've had undiagnosed issues with depression and anxiety since before I could read, so I had no idea it was possible to feel any other way. I just thought everyone felt like that. It took a horrible suicidal binge a couple years ago, complete with panic attacks, for my brain and body to force me to pay attention enough to recognize what was happening--what had always been happening. And even then I didn't get it until I got away from the people who had been causing some of the issues, got on a short-term low dose of a benzodiazepine and got to experience firsthand what it was like to live without all of that. The last few years I've had of not being depressed/anxious all the time? Is very much the exception in the larger scheme of my life.

So yes, I'd say if you (or anyone else) recognize yourself in that description, you should talk to a doctor about it. Especially if it's lasted as long as two years. But first--and this is the advice my friend gave me--write down what you recognize in it. How often do you not feel like eating/doing fun things/socializing/cleaning/taking care of yourself/making phone calls/etc? How often are you tired? How hard is it to finish projects? How hard is it to get up in the morning? Write it down in the plainest, barest language you can, just a list. Make it as accurate to what you're feeling as you can make it. THEN go to the doctor, and ask what they think. Because whatever they say, it is always, always better to know.