Bad jokes thread

[Buteo]

The city of Los Angeles sits in a basin that is separated from California's Central Valley (a major agricultural area) by a row of fairly respectable hills. The major highway between LA and the Central Valley winds its way up a few thousand feet, and then down a few thousand on the other side; its serpentine course has gained it the nickname of "The Grapevine."
Even in metropolitan areas, there is open space, which leads to a continuing demand for cheap, effective clearance of fire-prone vegetation. One such method is to have sheep or goats graze off the brush, and there are several enterprising people who maintain herds solely for this purpose. The animals are hired to clear a certain area, and then returned to their normal rural homes.
One brush-clearance specialist hit on a way of undercutting other sheepherders' prices: He did not use a truck and trailer to move his flock into and out of the LA Basin; he'd simply herd it through the Grapevine....

[Róisín]

Crumpite and Buteo, those are delightfully awful! We have a road like that going from Hahndorf to the Adelaide Plains. I remember the nailbiting terror of going down that road in a speeding bus. Ours is called the Devil’s Elbow, and well deserves the name. The main highway now bypasses the worst bits, cutting off some of the most terrifying curves with a straight tunnel through a hill near Crafers, the Heysen Tunnel, but bike and motorbike riders and car hoons still go down the Devil’s Elbow for thrills. There are a few good spots there from which to watch and photograph comets, and sometimes even the Aurora Australis, otherwise I would never go there.

[Anna]

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

[JoB]

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

You need legal counsel who knows his "j'accuse" ...

[Yastreb]

I learned just recently about a tome with the title The Nepalese Art of Knife Fighting.

It's a kukri book.

[Yastreb]

A couple of real-life examples of accidental humour...

I was forwarding an email with some of my short stories attached to my sister, using my mobile. I added the message "Here are some of my stories for your..."
What did the predictive text suggest to end the sentence? "Fertiliser."

A friend texted me about something on a current affairs show (can't recall why) and the exchange went thus.
"Did you see about the man who had seven children by four coherent women?"
"How many did he have by incoherent women?"
"DIFFERENT women! Bloody autocorrect!"

[thegreyarea]

Ah ah! Yes, autocorrect is a birth!

[Vulpes]

I call it "autobotch", and turn it off.

I totally confused a friend when I sent a text (using a new phone whose settings I hadn't tweaked fully) saying that I was "at HGTV", when I was really "at HG", shorthand for the nicest cafe in Corner Brook, Harbour Grounds. As if it weren't confusing enough, she was unaware of HGTV, which I assume stands for Home & Garden TV - lots of shows about making your house look like a home furnishings showroom, tarting up and flipping rundown properties, and generally making you feel bad about where you live.

[Grade E cat]

Just improvised that one during a conversation with my mother:

Mom: How does a place end up with a name like "Obtuse Rocks Road"?
Me: Maybe it started out as "Acute Rocks Road", but a bunch of erosion happened.

[Vulpes]

Just improvised that one during a conversation with my mother:

Mom: How does a place end up with a name like "Obtuse Rocks Road"?
Me: Maybe it started out as "Acute Rocks Road", but a bunch of erosion happened.

My father was King of the Punsters, he would be veeeeery impressed with that one. 

[Yastreb]

A friend sent me these puns.
I make no apologies.

***

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is starting to improve.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

[wavewright62]

Groaners, all.   

[Róisín]

Definite groaners! And I did enjoy ‘Obtuse Rocks’.

[Yastreb]

An episode of the vintage radio comedy program I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue featured "films that would have been different if one letter was mistakenly added to the title." Among the suggestions were these...

The Lady Varnishes
The Spy Who Loved Men
Take The Monkey And Run
The Deer Haunter
The Hunt For Fred October
Lady Windermere's Flan
The Cruel Seal

So, I was inspired to create some of my own, with tag lines.

Steven King's horror classic about bad dental hygiene... The Green Smile
His vintage was a lot stronger than expected... Blast Of The Summer Wine
An Irish Lass' Thai holiday goes badly wrong... Bridget On The River Kwai
A new romantic beach comedy... The Two Towels

[Opaque]

Why on earth are you hunting Fred? What did he ever do to you?
The Cruel Seal: The story of a psychotic seal.

Don't forget
Monty Python and the Hotly Grail
Citizen Kanye
All About Even
The Best Years of Sour Lives