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Author Topic: Bad jokes thread  (Read 139756 times)

Grade E cat

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #690 on: June 24, 2020, 07:47:14 AM »
You made me want to look at the trope on Tv Tropes, and I found a bilingual one in the "jokes" section:

Person1: How do you say "horses" in Dutch?
Person2: Paarden
Person1: HOW DO YOU SAY "HORSES" IN DUTCH?

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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #691 on: June 24, 2020, 10:31:18 AM »
"What was the name of that racing driver who started his own airline?"
"Lauda."
"I said, what was the name of that racing driver who started his own airline?"
"Lauda!"
"WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT RACING DRIVER WHO STARTED HIS OWN AIRLINE?"

(Modified to correct the name)
« Last Edit: June 26, 2020, 01:16:34 AM by Yastreb »
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JoB

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #692 on: June 24, 2020, 05:23:48 PM »
Quote from: Yastreb on June 24, 2020, 10:31:18 AM
"What was the name of that racing driver who started his own airline?"
(Make that three airlines, and "Lauda".)
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Purple Wyrm

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #693 on: June 25, 2020, 11:07:39 PM »
In Perth we have the very real suburbs of Innaloo and Upper Swan, which make for interesting answers to "Where do you live?".

Out in the wheatbelt we've also got Salmon Gums, which could be rather confusing unless you know the salmon gum is a type of eucalyptus tree.
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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #694 on: June 29, 2020, 08:49:32 AM »
I was going to mention some more odd place names, but then I found a list of odd football club names from around the world...

Botswana Meat Commission
Club Deportivo Moron
Ethiopia Coffee
FL Fart
Good Luck Martinique
Harar Beer Bottling
Joe Public
Thailand Tobacco Monopoly
Ube Yahhh-man
Young Boys of Bern
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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #695 on: July 12, 2020, 07:36:16 AM »
English nouns don't have genders. There was a competition inviting readers assign a gender to nouns, with an explanation of the reason for the choice.

Now read on...
 
ZIPLOC BAGS – male; they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male; even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS – female; they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE – male; it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER – female; once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed, and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TYRE – male; it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON – male; to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it (plus there's the hot air part).
SPONGES – female; they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE – female; it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY – male; it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS – female; over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER – male; it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL – female... Ha! You thought it would be male. But consider; it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Grade E cat

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #696 on: July 12, 2020, 08:44:07 AM »
For those curious about the actual genders in French :
Bags > masculine
Knife > masculine
Kidney > masculine
Shoe > feminine (slipper is masculine however)
Copier > feminine
Tyre > masculine
Hot air balloon (its own word) > feminine
Sponge > feminine
Page > feminine
Subway > masculine
Hourglass > masculine
Hammer > masculine
Remote control (its own word) > feminine

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Róisín

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #697 on: July 12, 2020, 10:20:27 AM »
Yastreb, that is funny! And Grade E Cat, your explanation adds a whole new dimension to Yastreb’s work!
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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #698 on: July 12, 2020, 04:32:41 PM »
A religious order decided to open its own fast food shop. Each Brother was given a very specific task in the shop, and Brother Ambrose had responsibility for potatoes.
One day a Hooray Henry type wanders in and says to Brother Ambrose with a loud guffaw, "I say, you must be the fish friar!"
"But no," riposted Brother Ambrose, "I'm the chip monk."

The order decided to expand its business profile, and tried to start a flower shop, but for some reason this received a lot of resistance. There was even a petition raised against them under the slogan, "Only you can prevent florist friars!"

More recently, the order tried to trade online, but that too had problems. Seems that people won't tolerate any monk e-business.
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JoB

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #699 on: July 13, 2020, 08:33:29 AM »
Quote from: Yastreb on July 12, 2020, 04:32:41 PM
A religious order decided to open its own fast food shop.
I hear that they had a problem with their delivery car getting pulled over all the time, though, until they removed the advertising paint job.
Spoiler: show

Who would've thought that police considers "MONK FOR YOUR DINNER" a "public disturbance"?
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thegreyarea

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #700 on: July 13, 2020, 06:24:47 PM »
Following Grade E Cat, Here's a comparative with Portuguese genders for the same words:

Bags > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Knife > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Kidney > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Shoe > feminine (slipper is masculine however) (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (but a boot is feminine!)
Copier > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Tyre > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Hot air balloon (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (also its own word)
Sponge > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Page > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Subway > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Hourglass > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Hammer > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Remote control (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese)

It's curious because they are both "Latin" languages, but still have so many differences.
(I know this is not exactly on-topic, but it wouldn't make much sense to jump to the language thread in this context. Also, giving genders to objects does seem like a bad joke...)
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Mirasol

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #701 on: July 18, 2020, 04:52:47 PM »
Yes, reading 47 pages of bad jokes was an excellent waste use of my time. (Also I stumbled across a user with the same avatar as me here!)

Quote from: thegreyarea on July 13, 2020, 06:24:47 PM
Following Grade E Cat, Here's a comparative with Portuguese genders for the same words:

Bags > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Knife > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Kidney > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Shoe > feminine (slipper is masculine however) (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (but a boot is feminine!)
Copier > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Tyre > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Hot air balloon (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (also its own word)
Sponge > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Page > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Subway > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Hourglass > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Hammer > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Remote control (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese)

It's curious because they are both "Latin" languages, but still have so many differences.
(I know this is not exactly on-topic, but it wouldn't make much sense to jump to the language thread in this context. Also, giving genders to objects does seem like a bad joke...)

Want me to make it even more complicated? Introducing German, the strange language where some objects are gendered, others aren´t:


Bags > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)> feminine (German)
Knife > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese) x neutral (German)
Kidney > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese) x feminine (German)
Shoe > feminine (slipper is masculine however) (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (but a boot is feminine!) x boot, slipper and shoe all masculine (German)
Copier > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese) x masculine (German)
Tyre > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese) > masculine (German)
Hot air balloon (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (also its own word) > masculin (German)
Sponge > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese) x masculine (German)
Page > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese) > feminine (German)
Subway > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese) x feminine (German)
Hourglass > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese) x modern word feminine, old word neutral (German)
Hammer > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese) > masculine (German)
Remote control (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese) x feminine (German)

One would think if some languages had to gender objects in the first place, which is a weird concept indeed, they would at least settle on the same ones. But I guess that would be too easy...

Sorry for staying off-topic, here, have some terrible jokes from my about sixth-grade-time. They don´t match the quality or standart of Yastreb´s well-thoughtout ones in any way, but apparently of all jokes I heard in my life these were the most memorable:

A snail is on her way with her kids next to a road. She warns her children:
Spoiler: show
"Don´t run across the street, the bus is comming in an hour!"


Ahem, and now to lower the standart even more:

Why should you not go swimming after 5 pm?
Spoiler: show
Because that´s when the elephants practice high diving.

continuation: Why are crocodiles flat?
Spoiler: show
Because they went swimming after 5 pm.


It gets worse:

What is small, green and triangular?
Spoiler: show
A small, green triangle.

continuation: What is small, black and triangular?
Spoiler: show
A small, black triangle? Wrong! It´s the shadow of the small, green triangle!


I´ll see myself out...
« Last Edit: July 18, 2020, 07:59:46 PM by Mirasol »
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Jitter

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #702 on: July 18, 2020, 06:25:45 PM »
Hey, I have some of those too!

How do you get an elephant into a fridge?

Spoiler: show
Open fridge, insert elephant, close door


How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?

Spoiler: show
Open fridge, insert giraffe, close fridge? No can do! Right answer is:

Open fridge, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close fridge


The lion was having a birthday party. All the animals came, except for one. Who was it?

Spoiler: show
The giraffe couldn’t come, she was in the fridge
« Last Edit: July 18, 2020, 06:27:30 PM by Jitter »
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Mirasol

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #703 on: July 18, 2020, 08:07:47 PM »
Quote from: Jitter on July 18, 2020, 06:25:45 PM
Hey, I have some of those too!

How do you get an elephant into a fridge?

Spoiler: show
Open fridge, insert elephant, close door


How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?

Spoiler: show
Open fridge, insert giraffe, close fridge? No can do! Right answer is:

Open fridge, remove elephant, insert giraffe, close fridge


The lion was having a birthday party. All the animals came, except for one. Who was it?

Spoiler: show
The giraffe couldn’t come, she was in the fridge


Oh, we had that one too! :'D But with the giraffe first, and a different extra step:

How can you tell if there was an elephant in your fridge?
Spoiler: show
The footprints in the butter.
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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #704 on: July 18, 2020, 09:54:47 PM »
Once upon a time, there was a jester in a royal court who told puns... constantly. Finally, the King did grow mightily vexed at the puns, and in his wrath commanded, "Take the jester away and hang him!"
And so it was that the jester was placed upon the scaffold, and the hangman made ready to carry out the sentence, when the King said unto the jester, "I spoke in anger. I pardon you, on this condition; that you speak no more puns from this moment forth!"
And the jester said, "Thank you for this mercy, your Majesty! No noose is good news!"
They hanged him.
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