Bad jokes thread

[Purple Wyrm]

In more news, Farhad the Four Foot Psychic has escaped from custody. Police are on the lookout for a small medium at large.

[Yastreb]

Worst work parties in history

Ah, my dear, don't worry, it's a simple enough job; you'll be providing a bath for Countess Bathory.

Silence in the ranks! You're to report to HMS Erebus and HMS Terror for the Franklin Expedition.

Volunteer crewmen needed for WS-125 nuclear bombers; this position is restricted to family men over forty

Agricultural labourers needed for North American primary producers; free passage and food supplied, long-term employment guaranteed.

Broaden your horizons! See the world! Consider a career as an in-flight attendant on the all-new Hindenburg zeppelin!

Buenas dias, senores! I am Don Pedro de Ursua, and this is my loyal lieutenant, Lopez de Aguirre. I assure you that our journey will be both memorable and profitable.

Deckhand wanted for routine New York-Liverpool trading voyage. Apply to Captain Charles Briggs aboard the Mary Celeste.

Listen up - I need a volunteer for navigator duty on Flight 19. Report to Lieutenant Taylor at 1400 - it's just a routine training flight over the Florida Keys; you won't be gone long!

Trail hands and guides required to escort Donner party across Rockies to California. Own weapons not required. Fat, healthy, well-marbled applicants will be viewed favourably.

Once the test is completed, you are to collect as many pieces of the bomb casing as you can find inside the area. Doctor Oppenheimer and his team need them right away for evaluation.

The Sergeant's just let me have a peek at the new orders from London that he's taking in to the Colonel after lunch. I couldn't read it all, but it seems the Battalion's going to be doing prisoner escort duty somewhere. I didn't recognise the name but it was at some Bay somewhere New down in South Wales, so at least they're not sending us off overseas.

[Róisín]

Those are all groansome! But Countess Bathory....terrifying!

[Yastreb]

Bonus points if you work out which of those work parties are down to me!

Meanwhile, we present...

THE CURSE OF THE BABELFISH!

This Yugoslav hotel prides itself on its service – THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID – and its lifts are truly magical: TO MOVE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR.

Japanese hotels also provide excellent service: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID and know that some customers just aren’t that honest: IS FORBITTEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT PERSON TO DO SUCH THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ THIS NOTIS.

Thai hoteliers know who to trust:  PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

Meanwhile, in Zurich they prefer to keep things out in the open: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE

But Parisians definitely know the score, and don’t care what’s going on: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK

Perhaps that's why a Polish hotel wishes its guests: SWEAT DREAMS

In an Austrian hotel climbers are kindly asked:  NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION

Bucharest hoteliers don't seem to like their guests much: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE

East Germany didn't like them either: PLEASE HANG YOURSELF HERE.

Tourists would be well-advised to steer clear of this Rhodes tailor:  ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION

But you can get the right gear for the job at a Paris dress shop: DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING

This Bangkok laundry knows what its customers want: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

And so does this laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING HAVE A GOOD TIME

Hiring a car in Tokyo sounds delightful: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR

The traffic signs are worrying: CARS WILL NOT HAVE INTERCOURSE ON THIS BRIDGE

And no less strange in another Japanese city, Kyushi: STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS

Whatever you do, don't ever risk parking in Luxor:  PARKINGINWRONGPLACES WILL MAKEYOU ACCOUNTALBETOLAW APARTFROM BEING ATRESPASSINGONTHERIGHT OFTHECITIZENANDTHESTATE

This German campsite is a tad puritanical: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THAT PURPOSE.

Whereas in Thailand they advertise donkey rides: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Meanwhile, on a Russian cruise liner…be alarmed. Be very alarmed. HELPSAVING APPARATA IN EMERGINGS BEHOLD MANY WHITLES! ASSOCIATE THE STRINGING APPARATA ABOUT THE BONSOMES AND MEET BEHIND. FLEE THEN TO THE INDIFFERENT LIFESAVERING SHIPPEN OBEDIENCING THE INSTRUCTS OF THE VESSEL CHEF!

[Yastreb]

If you added, changed, or removed just one letter in a movie title

Beauty and the Boast – She’s hot and she wants everyone to know it!
Fantastic Flour – it’s a bakeoff like no other
Last Mango in Paris – Some people will do anything for a decent fruit salad
Lord of the Rungs – The race for the top has never been cheaper
Mulder on the Orient Express – He must solve a mystery that doesn’t involve the paranormal…
President Evil – The new blockbuster movie from the DPRK. “A true story… you will believe or be shot” (Kim Jung-Un) 
Rambo: First Blond Part 2 – He leaves no man behind, if you know what I mean…
Scareface – “Say hello to my little fiend!”
Seven Bridges for Seven Brothers – Sibling rivalry spawns a contest of civil engineering
The Delta Farce – There’s something wrong on the Mekong
The Filth Element – Can a simple sewage worker save the world before it all goes down the toilet?
The Frowning Pool – They may be happy campers but they ain’t happy swimmers!
The Puns of Navarone – Allied comedians are sent on a secret mission to seek out and destroy the fiendish Nazi Killer Joke
Where Beagles Dare – Snoopy comes out of retirement to take on Manfred von Richthofen Junior

[Purple Wyrm]

The Puns of Navarone

Reminds me of one of the Sandy Mitchell Ciaphus Cain novels that features a convent of Battle Nuns located on a plateau suspiciously named 'Gavarrone' 

[Yastreb]

I had eighteen bottles of whisky in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else.
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I pulled the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, except for one glass, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the second bottle and did the same, except for one glass, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the good old booze down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

[Yastreb]

Here are some more vile puns.

The evil Necromancer had a personal seal made from the bones of baby swans - he loved to flourish his cygnet ring.

An intervention order brought against a self-styled musician who played a drum kit and a bugle at all hours. The local paper reported their action under the headline ONE MAN BANNED.

A gifted but eccentric dancer insisted on performing at night with the only illumination provided by a stage hand with a Verey pistol. Reviewers were unanimous; she did her act with flare.

The burglar who broke into Baron Fields' collection of medieval musical instruments had a specific target in mind, and made a clean getaway with the lute.

The window washer slipped off the ladder and fell through the glass. He was rushed to hospital with a pane in his elbow.

Two colleagues drew each other’s names in the office Secret Santa; upon learning that his friend had bought him a magnificently stuffed and mounted seabird John made an identical order at the same taxidermist. "After all," he observed, "one good tern deserves another."

[Yastreb]

Here are some alleged examples of howlers in church bulletins.

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, speaks tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
4. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
10. Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way again" giving much joy to the congregation
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Pat's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will give a farewell message after which the choir will sing Break Forth Into Joy.
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
22. Please place the donation in an envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
25. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be hymns in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and be ready to sin.
28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
29. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
30. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
31. Eighth graders will present Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
32. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[Yastreb]

My first PC once displayed a tendency to do funny things with any sentences in the passive voice. Here are some examples; the PC's version is in italics.

The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
The technician suspected of causing his peers had never thought of the blast as "bright."

A Hawaiian, Chun was inspired by the garments worn by plantation workers and the silk shirts made from kimono scraps, and in 1931 invented the Aloha Shirt.
A Hawaiian, the garments worn by plantation workers inspired Chun and the silk shirts made from kimono scraps, and in 1931 invented the Aloha Shirt.

July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
July 4th is no longer a public holidaying?

Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his 8-year-old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner.
His 8-year-old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner, 42 years old, murdered Peter Stone.

The object was later stated by the US military to have been a specialised surveillance balloon.
The US military to have been a specialised surveillance balloon later stated the object.

Georgann Williams, 28, of Little Rock, Arkansas, was killed after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by eyewitnesses.
Eyewitnesses killed Georgann Williams, 28, of Little Little Rock, Arkansas, after leaping through her moving car’s sunroof during an incident best described as “a mistaken rapture”.

Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left.
Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to leave.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably would work anyway.

[Yastreb]

Just wanted to say before you read this... I'm actually a cat person, so I can vouch for a bit of what follows...

How to give a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up. Cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open. Push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure that pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Get cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard. Close door on neck; leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to hospital. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[Róisín]

Yes, you have definitely owned cats! I remember your Horgor. Mind you, that cat was what you get for naming cat after a demon. My Greycat was the only one I have ever owned that would take a pill without too much protest, if the necessity was explained to her. And she would of course do anything Perry or Iestyn asked of her, for all that she was supposed to be my cat.

By the way, your parcel arrived today with book and stuff, all got here safely. Thank you thank you! The tree Book is wonderful. Star says thank you too.

[Grade E cat]

A classic as far as I'm concerned. I can't relate as much as there seems some sort of cat-calming power running in my father's side of the family, and in me it manifests as being able to do literally anything to a cat as long as I can physically get hold of it and do the thing in question within thirty seconds of getting hold of it (a good example is that my cat hates being held, but if I pick him up it will take about thirty seconds for him to make any sort of effort to get out of my arms).

[Jitter]

How to give a pill to a dog:

1) hold pill like treat
2) result

Grade E cat, you are clearly a Grade A cat whisperer!

[thorny]

How to give a cat a pill

How to give a pill to a dog:

Yes, but in the other direction:

How to housebreak a puppy

 --- 1) Choose a puppy over 12 weeks old. Bladder control won't be good enough before that.

 --- 2) Put the puppy in a small confined space. Make sure space is easily cleanable.

 --- 3) Clean the space.

 --- 4) Clean the space.

 --- 5) Clean the space.

 --- 6) Give up and accept that the puppy needs, for now, to be able to scent its new quarters with the familiar scent of puppy piss. Leave the space as is, put puppy on leash, take puppy outdoors.

 --- 7) Try to encourage puppy to use suitable spot.

 --- 8 ) No, not that spot! Over this way, please!

 --- 9) (half an hour later) Oh, good good dog! (Finally!)

 --- 10) Repeat steps 7 through 9 every couple of hours, every day, for the next couple of months.

 --- 11) In intervals between 10, watch puppy like hawk whenever it's not in restricted quarters, in case you didn't do 10 often enough.

 --- 12) Repeatedly over the next couple of months: Clean up the results of blinking at the wrong moment. (Maybe somewhere around the second week you can also clean the restricted quarters and have some chance that they'll stay that way.)

 --- 13) Congratulations! Your puppy is housebroken! Maybe. Except when you couldn't get home soon enough. And except when it's excited, or scared, or just extra glad to see you.


How to housebreak a kitten:

 --- 1) Choose a kitten over 5 weeks or so old. (actually, for socialization 8 weeks or so is much better if you're separating kitten from mother; but for housebreaking 5 to 6 weeks will do.)

 --- 2) Put kitten in a room with cat pan, and without anything else similar that kitten could dig in.

 --- 3) Your kitten is now housebroken.