Bad jokes thread

[Double H]

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing. It just waved.

Do you know what you get when a tyrannosaurus running eastwards at 25mph meets a tyrannosaurus running westwards at 15mph? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

[Anna]

Have you ever eaten a clock? It's very time consuming.

[Double H]

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede........a walkie-talkie.

[Anna]

Tonight's as good a time as any for a good/terrible joke, and I've got a long one this time.

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage about 20 minutes during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as double bassists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. “Hey! We need to get back!”

“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.“

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

“Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

[Purple Wyrm]

“Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! 

[Solokov]

On the subject if Beethoven.

A couple musicians once made the treck to his grave soon after he had died to pay respects. The gravedigger slowly led the to the mausoleum.

After a spell the musicians began to hear music from within the crypt, curious they sat and listened before realizing it was beethoven's 9th only in reverse. Soon it stopped and for a time there was nothing. Silence pervaded the air for a time before the music filled the air again. Quickly they realized it was beethoven's eighth.

On their way from the lichyard they commented on it to the gravedigger who replied "o'course that'd happen. He's decomposing you lackwits."

[Anna]

Just because one rock is gneiss, and the other is a piece of schist, doesn't mean you should take either of them for granite.

[OwlsG0]

Just because one rock is gneiss, and the other is a piece of schist, doesn't mean you should take either of them for granite.

On the subject of schist-related jokes


A bull and a piece of schist get married. They then visit a fertility clinic to see about conceiving a child naturally, but their fertility specialist says it's totally impossible. There is no scientific way to enable this and they are better off fostering or adopting.
Not to be discouraged, the couple tries and within a year are inviting their fertility specialist to the maternity ward to see their new baby. The schist greets the fertility specialist at the door and points to the bull, happily cuddled up in the hospital bed with the new infant.

"We conceived a child naturally." says the schist

Shocked beyond all belief, the specialist points at the infant and shouts "Bullschist!"

[Juniper]

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede........a walkie-talkie.

Okay that's a good one, I'm keeping this to use sometime

[Purple Wyrm]

A man walks into a fancy restaurant and orders an expensive lobster dish. After some time the waiter brings him a meal consisting of a lobster shell full of cigars. "What the hell is this!?" demands the man "I ordered the Lobster Thermidor!". "Oh I'm terribly sorry sir" replies the waiter "I thought you asked for the Lobster Humidor".

[Iceea]

A man walks into a fancy restaurant and orders an expensive lobster dish. After some time the waiter brings him a meal consisting of a lobster shell full of cigars. "What the hell is this!?" demands the man "I ordered the Lobster Thermidor!". "Oh I'm terribly sorry sir" replies the waiter "I thought you asked for the Lobster Humidor".

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! 

 

[Anna]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
They reply:
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

[urbicande]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
They reply:
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

I *needed* that groan.

[Anna]

I *needed* that groan.

Always happy to help!

[ginger]

A woman and her husband get into a fight, before going their separate ways in the house to cool off. After some time, she leaves the room in which she's been thinking to go and make peace with her husband. She finally finds him in the kitchen, where he's cleaning out their alcohol storage space. She sees that he's in a visibly better mood, and looks ready to make up.

She then notices that in his reorganization efforts, he is simply moving bottles from the bottom shelf to the top. When she asks, "What are you doing?" he replies, "Well, I've been pretty upset since our argument, but cleaning has been really lifting my spirits."