Bad jokes thread

[Tr]

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Spoiler: show

Humphrey.

[Róisín]

What do you call a woman tied to a pier?
Maud. (Moored.)

[Iceea]

What do you call a woman tied to a pier?
Maud. (Moored.)

A really good "down east" accent could pull that off. "Aye-u, I maud ma skiff at the landing"

[Purple Wyrm]

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?



An ambulance.

(I may have told this one before...)

[Róisín]

Doug. And without a shovel? Dougless. (Douglas)

[urbicande]

As part of his royal duties, Prince William is visiting patients in a hospital in Edinburgh.  As he walks through the ward, one patient shouts out, "O, wad some Power the giftie gie us to see oursels as others see us"

The Prince is a bit startled by this and continues greeting patients. The next one screams, "Some hae meat, and canna eat"

Even more surprised, the Prince goes to the next patient and says hello, but the reply is only, "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie"

Prince William looks at the doctor and asks, "Is this the psychiatric ward?"

"Nae, lad" says the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[Purple Wyrm]

*slow clap*

[Róisín]

*Falls over laughing!*

[Anna]

A family goes to a zoo. The only animal on exhibit is a small dog. It's a Shih Tzu.

(apologies for the indirect cuss)

[Oscar Leigh]

Thanks to my stepbrother for finding these.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Haikus are easy. But some times they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

[Athena]

Thanks to my stepbrother for finding these.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Haikus are easy. But some times they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

  Those are both great!

[VibratingText]

A zoologist, a physicist, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer some distance ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations and fires, missing by 5 feet to the left. The zoologist analyzes the deer's movement and fires, missing by 5 feet to the right. The statistician drops his gun and happily exclaims, "We got 'em!"

[Oscar Leigh]

A zoologist, a physicist, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer some distance ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations and fires, missing by 5 feet to the left. The zoologist analyzes the deer's movement and fires, missing by 5 feet to the right. The statistician drops his gun and happily exclaims, "We got 'em!"

ROFL. 

[OwlsG0]

A zoologist, a physicist, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer some distance ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations and fires, missing by 5 feet to the left. The zoologist analyzes the deer's movement and fires, missing by 5 feet to the right. The statistician drops his gun and happily exclaims, "We got 'em!"

We sure do love statistician jokes on this thread

[Anna]

A Greek man walks into a tailor’s shop holding a pair of trousers. The tailor takes the pants and holds them up, turns to the man and says “Euripides?”
“Yes,” the man responded, “Eumenides?”