Okay I gotta bring the conversation down for a second--apologies.
A couple days ago a friend--who is smarter and wiser and more observant than I am by far--pointed out to me that I've officially slipped back into depression. Most of the time when this happens it's triggered by something that I can identify with some work, and I just have to deal with the trigger and then go into coping mode for a week or two until I find my equilibrium again. This has been going on for months now, and if there's a trigger for it (other than winter coming on) I haven't been able to find it. So I promised her that I would see a doctor.
...And I'm gonna do that. I will, because I promised her and she's one of those friends that's worth keeping promises to, even when depression is making me a crappy person to be friends with. But I'm sitting here avoiding the phone and making excuses at myself. (I'm not suicidal this time, that means it's not actually serious and I can just ride it out! The last few days have been awesome, maybe that means it's evening out now! Nevermind that I've been so hyper it could just as easily be hypomania, which would absolutely require medical attention. I can handle it! It's not that bad!) I just... can't even express how much I do not want any of this. I don't want to have to find a psychiatrist in my area who doesn't make my skin crawl, I don't want to deal with insurance, and I don't want to go on meds again. I had hoped I would never have to.
But I've gotta make that call in the next few hours, or I'll end up never doing it at all. And I could use whatever good luck you guys can send my way!