Author Topic: The Forum's Scriptorium  (Read 108666 times)

Róisín

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #60 on: November 16, 2015, 01:53:23 AM »
I read both, and want to find out what happened next (which to me is the mark of an interesting story). I. Typed out a lengthy comment, but DA won't let me post it, and ignores my attempts to join up. Got to go just now, but willtry to post it here later.
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LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #61 on: November 29, 2015, 12:46:33 AM »
Well, thanks for reading, at least.

Róisín

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #62 on: November 29, 2015, 01:41:11 AM »
Hi Looney! So, my second try at commenting on your stories didn't work either? Let me know by PM if this one does, please? Technology is not my friend; sometimes I doubt if it is even my nodding acquaintance! Third time's the charm, I hope!

To recap briefly: 'The Literate': I like the tale, so far. The background hints at a generally high-tech world somehow, so I'll be intrigued to discover why the boy is fleeing through a forest. And who or what is hunting him, and for what reason. I don't object to the language, since I feel strongly about not 'dumbing down' one's natural voice. I'm a fan of Mervyn Peake, William Burroughs, William Morris, George MacDonald and Charles de Lint, so erudite writing doesn't bother me. In fact I enjoy it, since beautiful and precise words convey meaning better. I look forward to reading the next chapter.

Going to post this bit now, and follow with the other one shortly. That way I can come back to the thread and see if it did post.
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LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #63 on: November 29, 2015, 03:33:09 PM »
Uh, oh… now I have to post the next chapter.

Róisín

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #64 on: November 29, 2015, 06:59:29 PM »
Good! One writer I forgot to mention was Dunsany. If you don't know his work, I highly recommend it. I could see your style maturing into something similar to his. He uses the learned and exact words, lots and lots of them. He writes sentences a whole paragraph long. He is wonderfully lyrical. And when you see it on the page, his prose sings. He breaks all the modern rules, but as a reader I wouldn't want to omit a word.
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Asterales

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #65 on: December 21, 2015, 10:44:04 PM »
So, here's two I started a long time ago. Most common criticism: too wordy.

I'll try to have the first bits of the two I mentioned earlier up and linked soon.

I don't see that your prose is too wordy! But something you should pay attention to is your narrator's voice and pacing, I think.
Now, I don't know what your aim was, but Literate has an awfully distant and omniscient feel to it, which comes partly from the very strong perspective of the narrator, but mostly from the pacing of your sentences and where you inserted information.
If you want to go for scenic, it is natural to use long sentences. When it is action, they should be short.
But no-one says you have to separate the two! Try to incorporate the action into the description and vice-versa. Use action verbs to describe states. When you try to build tension using contrast, don't go on about it at length, just put both of them right next to each other and let the readers figure it out by themselves.
The problem with adjectives is that they are great (I am addicted to them, too) but there are certain places you shouldn't use any or no more than one. Find out where they are.
Try to use exactly this to your advantage: as I have said, tension can be produced by contrast. That includes a contrast in sentence length! Try to make the pace of your sentences varied, use punctuation marks as points of smooth connection - or as disruptors!
Read what you wrote out loud and find out the parts that don't follow the rhythm of the story!

Also make sure your metaphors and images suit the tone of the story so the reader takes them in but doesn't need to think about them so much they enter the sphere where they see your text rather than your story.

I think the best literature is the one where you can appreciate the style but could just as well forget about it because you are too absorbed to care. All kinds of different style can achieve this.
Personally, I do prefer the wordy styles :D
So keep at it, okay?
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Asterales

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #66 on: December 21, 2015, 10:48:04 PM »
Forgot to say this, but remember, that sometimes there is pleasure in simple words.
And that sometimes, you will want to use vageness.
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LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #67 on: December 22, 2015, 01:46:42 AM »

Athena

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #68 on: January 24, 2016, 02:28:47 AM »
A couple months ago I wrote a short story for LA class. We were supposed to write sci-fi, but I strayed into fantasy, because thats more my sort of thing. Some of the speech is in elvish, but I added english annotations for them.Here is the result!
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LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #69 on: March 08, 2016, 10:55:06 PM »
So, I'll just drop these snippets here, and link in the Books thread.

These are bits from the beginning of a WIP fanfic for a series Sunflower, urbicande and I were reminiscing over in the Books thread.
Spoiler: Excerpts from The Truth About Basidium-X • show
Story 1: The Bassyd

Part 1: The Old Man by the Sea

The old man looked like a single breeze would blow him away. His frail body seemed much too wispy for his large, liver spotted head. He was completely bald, not even a trace of hair remaining, and his voice was as frail as his body.

I had to come to Pacific Grove, California, in search of some long-lost relatives from a century or so ago, and my searches had led me to this isolated beach and the old man sitting there, watching the waves. So far, though, he had been of little help, but that was about to change.

The beach’s isolation gave it an odd air of intimacy, as though it were a cozy corner secluding you against the world.

After a moment, the old man began to hum under his breath. Usually, I would have paid him as much as heed as I would have to a crying child; that is, I would have tried to ignore him, but something about the tune caught my ear. It was a tune that I had never heard before, and I had gone out of my way to hear as many tunes as I could over the years.

You might be thinking, "But it could be a song that you already know; the old man might just be butchering it", but you'd be wrong. This melody was so distinct, and so beautiful, that even were the old man getting it completely wrong, it was still new to me.

Section break

Even as unbelievable and outlandish as they were, there was something about the old man's stories that drew me in. They were like a weird combination of Raygun Gothic and high fantasy, and as I listened to more of them, he let me hear more of the songs that he had recorded on his crystals.

Section break

The old man must have been delirious or senile or something, because his tall tales were just so outlandish. I listened out of politeness, but privately I thought he was nuttier than his macadamia tree.

“Chuck and I were born the same day of the same year, in almost the same room, no less. That was way, way back, in 1902, back when women stayed home to give birth and the doc came to them; in this case, my Dad was the doc, and it happened at dinner with the neighbors, who were also expecting.”

“It never mattered between us, y’know, the whole black-white thing. We were birthday brothers, and no one and nothing could come between us.” He smiled toothlessly. “Didn’t take long for even the thickest kids to get that, after the two of us got to where we could whoop the high-schoolers.”

LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #70 on: March 31, 2016, 12:32:13 AM »
Yet again, no response to my snippets. Oh, well.

Here's something else to consider, though:
Spoiler: Alamsta Dreaming • show
She had been sleeping without dreaming for a hundred years and more, but now a dream was come to slay her peace.

She was playing with her sisters, when a voice behind her jeered, “Lo, see the Undesired One!”

Her sisters vanished, and when she turned, she beheld the Magician, bearing the Witching Ring. On an altar before him was a bunny ready to be sacrificed. She caught its eye as it struggled, and knew that it was he.

She tried to run up to the altar, but she couldn’t move. The Magician laughed, taunting her in her helplessness. He brandished the Ring and said, “You gave up your agency when you refused this, and so I triumph!”

Before the Magician could bring the knife down, though, the Bunny had freed itself, standing up to face the Magician down in a contest that should have been ridiculous, but was horribly intense instead. A flash of light burst from the Bunny, blinding her...


As the dream subsided, her thoughts turned to him, the reigning star of far too many of her dreams.

It was absurd; so she had told herself over and over again during the seemingly endless stretches between his appearances. If he felt anything for her at all beyond annoyance and disgust, it would most likely be pity for the Undesired One, and that was nearly harder to bear than the loss of her sisters.

Moreover, they had spent precious little time together, so it was absurd in that manner as well: she, the Princess famed for her waspish stand-offishness, should be the last person in the Realm to succumb to the folly of l--infatuation at sight.

But was it really at sight, though? Certainly, her first glimpse of him hadn’t been particularly conducive to these unwelcome affections towards him, as no one looked good when fleeing an enraged ram.

Just as certainly, though, when she’d first met his eyes and seen his “Oh, it’s you, then” expression, something inside her had cracked. Even then, without knowing who he was or whence he came, she’d known that the thing she wanted most in the world was this bedraggled boy’s good opinion. Contrary as she was, the knowledge had only spurred her normal sarcastic wit to new heights.

Once she knew who and what he was, though, her secret folly was even more absurd, as he would only come when they needed him most and vanish once his task was done, his visits as ephemeral as her dreams. She could never hold him to her as she wished; nor would she, as caging a flickering spark was the surest route to an inferno.

She had told herself so many times that it was pure folly, and yet, each and every time he was nearby, his very nearness made her feel more alive, as though the long, drab stretches without him were so many dreams that his vivid reality set to flight, commanding her into wakefulness at last.

Again and again during the long emptiness of his absence, she’d told herself that she must be strong, but all it took was his appearing to kindle in her the urge to run to him. This inevitable weakness in her mocked her claims of strength.

Through the haze of her enforced slumber, she sensed someone’s approach, but without concern, as she knew that only the Young Protector could open her gilded-and-glazed cage and end her long sleep. He would come soon, bringing the joy and the pain of his presence, and she would soak up his nearness like a sponge against the long stretch of his next absence, as she always did. It would be enough.

It would be soon...


Spoiler: Notes • show
So, this is a side piece to my “Coin, Sword & Medallion” thing, sort-of inspired by Aliax’s “The Boat Not Taken”. I chose to set the (main) stories as journal entries from one character, which necessarily shuts out all other viewpoints, so I thought this bit might be illuminative for the other principal character, and I may do other side stories like this in future.

Róisín

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #71 on: March 31, 2016, 01:32:49 AM »
Interesting! Your vignettes sometimes have a very Dunsany feel. I suspect it will be worth waiting until we have enough of them together to make a story.
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Asterales

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #72 on: March 31, 2016, 03:06:16 AM »
LooNEY_DAC, the rhythm of your sentences is very appealing... And one more reason to stay away from these far to interesting threads on the forum and from A3O. I'll never get anything done as soon as I start delving into them. It'll have to wait until August.
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Róisín

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #73 on: March 31, 2016, 06:11:20 AM »
Luth, that reads sort of like Tolkien cross-pollinated by Michael Moorcock. Interesting style, but it would be better if it were longer. The story cries out for background. It's a too-brief summary of what you might develop into at least a novella, at which length it would be a much better story.

Readers need more information than you are giving them to develop sympathy with your characters. I realise that for a school asignment it had to be kept short, but it has the bones of a much bigger story. Remember the writer's questions I talked about awhile back in the writers' thread? What are the characters doing? Do they wind up doing what they intend, or something different? Where are they? Is it our world, an AU, another planet? When is the story set? In the past, the future? (This may or may not matter, depending on the type of story). How do they plan to accomplish whatever they are doing? Do they even know what they need to do? Why are the events in the story taking place? Again, is any of this information available to the characters, or is the story about them finding this out, with gradual exposition both to the characters and the readers? Do the characters know or care why these events are happening to them?  Who are these people?

Of such questions and their answers is a good story made.
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Athena

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #74 on: March 31, 2016, 10:53:31 AM »
Thank you! Yes, It is a bit short, and I would like to expand the story later for sure. I will keep those questions in mind when I do! (Or when I write anything in general, those seem important to think about.) :D Most of that information I had made up, (I even had little character notes on sticky notes beside my computer) but I was unsure how to fit it into the story itself. Thanks again for the pointers!
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