Author Topic: The Forum's Scriptorium  (Read 110706 times)

LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #75 on: April 02, 2016, 08:03:11 PM »
Luth, I agree with Róisín overall, but one thing sticks out:
Spoiler: show
Why is the Most Powerful Man in Town opening his own door? Even in a small village (which you spend many words saying that that isn't the case here), the mayor/head honcho/big man is going to have servants, because he'll be too busy running the place (or at least pretending he is). And why would the airship guys just run off, abandoning the Big Important Guy? Things like this can knock your reader out of the story if you don't explain them.

Athena

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #76 on: April 02, 2016, 09:15:53 PM »
Luth, I agree with Róisín overall, but one thing sticks out:
Spoiler: show
Why is the Most Powerful Man in Town opening his own door? Even in a small village (which you spend many words saying that that isn't the case here), the mayor/head honcho/big man is going to have servants, because he'll be too busy running the place (or at least pretending he is). And why would the airship guys just run off, abandoning the Big Important Guy? Things like this can knock your reader out of the story if you don't explain them.


Yes... I did originally have a servant who opened the door, but a critique I got was that the character was too much like Watto (the star wars character), I described him as a imp that hovered using little wings like a humming bird. I really loved the character, and didn't want to replace him, so I just said that the mayor opened the door, thinking I could fit in that character later.

As for the airship, I had an explanation planned for that, but the deadline was too close and I didn't have time to write in... I really should rewrite this story, it was originally really rushed. :-\
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LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #77 on: April 02, 2016, 10:20:13 PM »
Yes... I did originally have a servant who opened the door, but a critique I got was that the character was too much like Watto (the star wars character)
He had a bad Italian accent? The horror!

But seriously, the "your character's too much like…" criticism is one I've always ignored. It's your character, and as long as you are satisfied with the character, that should be all that matters.

I described him as a imp that hovered using little wings like a humming bird. I really loved the character, and didn't want to replace him, so I just said that the mayor opened the door, thinking I could fit in that character later.
On the other hand, since this story seems to be in "D&D-Land" (not a criticism), I'd be worried about the imp-lications of the Mayor having such a servant. You might want to address that also. (Or not, if you want some mystery and tension of that sort.)

LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #78 on: April 03, 2016, 01:34:25 PM »
Double-posting because…
Uh, oh… now I have to post the next chapter.
…And I have.

Róisín

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #79 on: April 03, 2016, 06:17:15 PM »
Now I see where you are going with it. I like the story so far. I wonder if somebody left the data card for him to find, or if it was pure chance?
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Athena

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #80 on: April 05, 2016, 02:06:36 PM »
He had a bad Italian accent? The horror!

But seriously, the "your character's too much like…" criticism is one I've always ignored. It's your character, and as long as you are satisfied with the character, that should be all that matters.

Sadly, My teacher does not have the same view... :-/ Could write that character back in now though. (and will when I get around to a re-write)

On the other hand, since this story seems to be in "D&D-Land" (not a criticism), I'd be worried about the imp-lications of the Mayor having such a servant. You might want to address that also. (Or not, if you want some mystery and tension of that sort.)

It is absolutely in "D&D Land", because it's based in the same world where I run a campaign for some friends. ;)
I was thinking that since the mayor is a mage/scholarly type he would have some summoning abilities, and in this world summoners are pretty common.
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LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #81 on: April 05, 2016, 09:24:49 PM »
I was thinking that since the mayor is a mage/scholarly type he would have some summoning abilities, and in this world summoners are pretty common.
Yes, but aren't imps ACE?

Athena

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #82 on: April 05, 2016, 09:33:52 PM »
Yes, but aren't imps ACE?

Chaotic Evil?
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LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #83 on: April 05, 2016, 09:48:58 PM »
Chaotic Evil?
Yes. My point was, why would a (presumably) Lawful Neutral-to-Good Mayor be summoning Chaotic Evils to do his work? Is he really Lawful? Is he secretly Evil? Etc.

This is, of course, irrelevant if you've ditched the alignment system.

Athena

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #84 on: April 05, 2016, 09:57:44 PM »
Yes. My point was, why would a (presumably) Lawful Neutral-to-Good Mayor be summoning Chaotic Evils to do his work? Is he really Lawful? Is he secretly Evil? Etc.

This is, of course, irrelevant if you've ditched the alignment system.

Ah. I assume that Imps aren't really evil, more mischievous, so probably closer to chaotic neutral. And in this case it would be bound to a summoner's contract, and therefore would be forced to follow orders. (as long as the orders don't go too far from the alignment, of course.) Although, an evil background for the mayor would be an interesting plot twist... >:D
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Jethan

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #85 on: May 03, 2016, 01:24:17 AM »
I'm going to, like, actually be social and share this thing: The Great Castle Deathmatch Part 1

Spoiler: show
If you find light text on a dark background is annoying to read, I can change it.

So basically the premise is that I have so many characters with their own stories that I can never choose one, and now they all get to duel each other to decide who gets written first.  I actually have several pages written already, so I'll post some more and see how well I can break up the text so it's not a massive wall or a tiny snippet.
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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #86 on: May 25, 2016, 04:23:23 PM »
Now that I have some free time, I've been getting back to writing my stories. This scene is probably the biggest one in the entire story, and I'm still trying to organize it all and grind it out. Especially considering that it will likely span a few chapters. But this is what I have of it so far, and I'd like to get a second opinion/critique of it.

Some context: The premise of the story is that the characters have been lured into a scientific experiment to create a serum that has made them immortal. In choosing to help perfect the serum, they have become prisoners and lab rats. This scene is near the very end, when they revolt and escape, but one of the leaders, Madeline, is captured. Her capture is part of the plan, though, so they can get a sample of the antidote. Holly, her friend and one of the guards, is watching everything through the security cameras. Hopefully it's all clear enough.

Also, it gets kinda violent at the end, just a warning.
Here goes nothing I guess!

Spoiler: show
The scientists grabbed her arms, trying to hold her back against the wall. “Let’s see how many are willing to leave without their mastermind leading them,” one of them says. A woman’s voice.

“You’ll have to do better than that!” she screamed in response, “You’ll have to kill me!

The scientists looked at each other. The one that wasn’t holding her down looked at the others, who nodded. A silent question and its answer. The scientist left down a corridor. They started moving her down the hallway, staying to the side as the riot continued, the rest of the prisoners running the opposite direction. Madeline kept her face in a grimace, her teeth clenched to keep herself from smiling. She hadn’t expected things to go according to plan. Certainly they were overdue by now for something to throw them off track.

They moved rather quickly down the hallway. Madeline had by now learned the layout of this place. There was the room where she worked with Blair, there was Julia and Sandra’s a little way down. They were practically retracing the steps she had just taken with the others. There, right on the corner, the last door, that was Nicholas and Miles. All these labs, lined up in a row. So easy to coordinate an escape plan.

She watched the faces passing her by, shooting winks at those who looked concerned, switching back to anger when she saw the scientists and the few remaining loyal guards. Was that scientist running with the crowd? No, he was probably chasing someone. His path almost exactly followed that woman’s. Anyway, she had passed them both now, and the scientists dragging her along were turning a corner.

Wait.
She didn’t know this hallway. She didn’t know this door.
Where were they?

This place wasn’t marked on the map. She knew, she had it memorized by now. Of course, of course they would never take her somewhere she knew how to get out of. Were there even cameras in this room? When they dragged her in, that was the first thing she looked for. Sweeping her gaze to each corner, behind the instruments she could see set up, no, not a single camera-! Her vision shifted as she was picked up and practically thrown on a lab chair. She was still thinking, Holly can't see me now.

Madeline knew, of course, why she was in this room. She had pretty much demanded it. Now she saw the other scientist, the one who had left in the hallway, returning. She recognized Dr. Laston behind him. She drew just the right amount of confusion and suspicion into her face, furrowing eyebrows, tightening lips, squinting eyes just so. All to show that she had no trust, but maybe a little fear. Let them think.

Dr. Laston drew closer. “Sit up and face me, won’t you?” he said. The scientists at her sides were still holding her arms, but allowed her to push herself up into a sitting position. They held her wrists down tightly. Her face did not change as she looked Laston straight in the eye. She didn’t speak, knowing that he would regardless.

“I have a feeling you are the center of this rebellion, Miss Keeper.”

Calmly, controlled, no spite or bitterness, she said as plainly as she could, “Call me Madeline.”

“Madeline. You were a very promising researcher. You have a lot of talent, and you work diligently and efficiently, so Dr. Tiller tells me.” He turned his head to the side, and Madeline finally realized that one of the scientists holding her had been her own mentor. She wasn’t surprised. Of course he would have been close to her in the crowd. They had left from the same place, and she simply had not, as she thought, lost him in the crowd. She and Laston looked back at each other.

“It seems your comrades are leaving you behind after all. Such a shame, but every man for himself, I suppose.”

“What a pity,” she said dryly. “I’ll be late for the afterparty.”

“Well, I shouldn’t keep you for too long, then. Let’s get right down to business.” He nodded to the scientists. Tiller remained where he was, gripping her left wrist, while the other two moved down to her legs and began strapping her down. She prevented her body from reacting, but her mind jumped with shock. No. This was not what she had planned for. Madeline had thought that if she was compliant, if a bit snarky, they would inject her with the antidote just like they had given her the original serum. Kindly, gently, having no reason to suspect her of resisting after she had admitted defeat.

She reminded herself of how she’d thrashed in the hallway. They weren’t taking any chances. I can’t let this happen. I have to escape, before they strap me down completely.

Tiller brought his other hand to her shoulder and gently pushed her down so she was lying back in the chair. The scientist across from him strapped down her wrist while he still held it. She was running out of time. She had to calm down, think, look at her surroundings for a way out.

Three out of four scientists were on her left side. The woman was moving up to her right, preparing to strap down her other arm. The one who had ran off in the hallway was closest on her left, behind him Tiller, and further back Laston, watching coolly as he prepared the syringe. Between Tiller and the other was a small tray, attached to the chair, with an empty vial and a scalpel on it.

The scientist on her right closed her hand around Madeline’s arm so the other could strap her down. 1...2...3! When he was leaning over her just enough, she twisted her arm and ripped it out of the scientist’s grip. Still moving, she clenched her fist and drove it into the left one’s face. Quickly, she snapped her hand down to the scalpel and slashed the arm of the scientist on the right.

Laston was shouting, Tiller moving back to protect him. Madeline dragged the scalpel down the female scientist’s arm, all the way to the wrist, blood pouring out more and more as the blade traveled. The woman started to sway with shock and blood loss. A sharp jab from Madeline’s elbow sent her to the floor. The sharp movement brought pain to the wrist that was still strapped down, straining against the restraints. It pulled her back to the center of the chair.

The scientist on her left grabbed her around the shoulders, forcing her back down. Her arm now out of his sight, she plunged the scalpel into his stomach. Savage, she thought to herself with a grimace, but desperate times. She pulled the blade out, now thoroughly covered in blood. At the same time, she pushed the scientist away so that he dropped to the floor. The blood dripped down over her fingers. She flicked the scalpel to the side to prevent too much more from getting all over her. I’m not done yet, she thought, glaring at Laston. Tiller was in her way.
:chap7: :chap8: :chap9: :chap10: :chap11: :chap12: :chap13: :chap14: :chap15: :chap16: :book3: :chap17: :chap18: :chap19: :chap20: :book4:

:A2chap01: :A2chap02: :A2chap03: :A2chap04:

Mark my words, it's not quite what you thought.

LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #87 on: July 01, 2016, 07:15:42 PM »
As I'm doing Camp NaNoWriMo, I'm going to bug y'all by posting a link to each part here as I do them.

Today's part.

Tr

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #88 on: July 01, 2016, 08:13:50 PM »
As I'm doing Camp NaNoWriMo, I'm going to bug y'all by posting a link to each part here as I do them.

Today's part.
I'm going to sit here and stare intently* at you until you finish the next part, because that was awesome!
"Ah, the false joviality of frustrated authority." This is the best.
*in a friendly, insistent but not threatening way. No pressure.
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LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #89 on: July 01, 2016, 11:41:52 PM »
I'm going to sit here and stare intently* at you until you finish the next part, because that was awesome!
"Ah, the false joviality of frustrated authority." This is the best.
*in a friendly, insistent but not threatening way. No pressure.
So, wait no more.