Author Topic: The SSSS Scriptorium  (Read 899595 times)

LurkBeast

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #690 on: July 07, 2015, 04:56:53 PM »
Hey all! I bring you today a short/cute/funny fanfic I wrote for starfallz! Wherein Lalli plays his own games and thinks about some stuff.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4290867

Spoiler: show
Now I'm just imagining Onni staring at the spot where Lalli just was like "What? WHAT?!?"
For the next week he can't stop thinking about it.
"Did he really mean that? Was he joking? DOES LALLI EVEN MAKE JOKES?"

Daéa Reina

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #691 on: July 07, 2015, 06:43:44 PM »
OK, loooooooooooooong part here, but I decided I couldn't break it up.

Correspondence
A “Stand Still. Stay Silent” fanfic
Part V
Spoiler: show
Year 110, Summer

Lalli,

Well, I can say definitively that the second time around is decidedly easier, at least so far. With Aku, all of his problems and odd exploits (we’re still not sure how he escaped the Radiator Incident unscathed) came as a surprise, but after dealing with unexpected happenings for three years now, we’re a bit better at it. Of course, the idiot teens are still idiots, so we must still be ready for a panicked call for help at most any time that we’re away.

I am getting soft in my old age (ha, ha, ha): we have named the new arrival Stig Esko Reynir; and yes, his hair is both thick and red already. We suspect a recessive gene set has surfaced, as Marta has produced a pre-Rash photo of the Esko we named him after, one of her kin who resembles our little one quite startlingly. Also, Ulf Västerström had red hair before it went white, so there’s that. My more asinine and crude work associates have ribbed me about paternity tests until I offered to collect some blood samples from them, but without the benefit of a needle. That “joke” has ceased making the rounds.

Aku looks at Esko rather suspiciously sometimes, as though he can’t quite figure out where this ruddy, noisy little interloper came from or why his perfect kingdom has been thrown into such disorder.. Eventually, though, I’m sure they’ll become partners in crime, and I dread that day.

Tell Onni I have taken his warnings under advisement, though, frankly, Marta is dubious. I reminded her that Onni had the raising of you and Tuuri for rather more than half your lives, so his experience must be worth something.

Tell Tuuri I know of a publisher here who might be interested in publishing her stories, if she is.

Tell yourself (ha ha ha) to keep writing, and to keep safe. Tuuri mentioned your recent exploit in her last letter, and while you’ll probably say that it had to be done, you should still be more careful while doing it. I’ve seen you do it, so I know you can.

Your Cleanser friend,
Emil Västerström

*
Year 113, Summer

Lalli,

With all the other signs of summer in Mora came the latest, and largest yet, addition to our family: Ulf Eino Mikkel, the last demanded by his size: 10 pounds, 11 ounces!

Little Mikkel is fine, but Marta frightened me badly. This was far and away her most difficult pregnancy, and she hasn’t nearly recovered so well as even after Aku’s birth. I think the doctors have warned her that Little Mikkel should be the last, and I intend to take certain steps to ensure that.

Aku and Esko have been in great anticipation over Little Mikkel’s arrival, much to our concern. Those two get in enough trouble already, and not nearly all at Aku’s prompting. I swear, they will turn my hair white if they get Little Mikkel into their troublesome mode.

Stay safe on your moonlit treks, my friend, and write again soon.

Your Cleanser friend,
Emil Västerström

*

Year 117, Spring

Lalli,

Spring has returned to Sollerön with beauty and new life, as it always does. I cannot quite comprehend how it can be that Marta is no longer here to share it with me. A thousand times a day, it seems, I’ll turn to share something with her, but she has gone.

The ceremony was moving, with many friends of Marta’s remembering her past kindnesses. I was supposed to speak, but I couldn’t, not even one word past, “Thank you all”. I make speeches for a living. I once gave five separate speeches in twelve hours, and I couldn’t say a word at my own wife’s funceremony.

I worry most about our boys. They are so young to be motherless (though I know such a loss is never easy). She so wanted a girl, but she was wonderful with the boys, and it’s hard to watch them trying to pretend everything’s all right--for my sake, if you can believe it. It’s comical, touching and heartbreaking all at once.

Your letters and Tuuri’s have been of much comfort; I do not know what I would do without your wise but spare words, and Tuuri’s tales are as big a hit with the boys as they were with the Cleansers.

Your Cleanser friend,
Emil Västerström

*
Year 118, Spring

Lalli,

By the time you get this, I will have reached the Kristinehamn front and rejoined my unit, though rather more highly placed than I’m quite comfortable with. Things are so bad--they’re already calling this “the Year of the Trolls”--that I’ve been put in charge of that part of the fight!

I’m scared, Lalli.

This is not fear of death, but of getting people killed in my stead. I’ve been behind a desk, a podium or a camera for the last twelve years, and now I’m in command of an entire sector?

Whatever my doubts, I am still a Cleanser, though. I must obey those in authority over me to the best of my ability, and pray that that best will be good enough.

You have been a great friend to me through all these years, Lalli. Just in case, I wanted you to know that.

Your Cleanser friend,
Emil Västerström

Author's Notes
Spoiler: show

These have only been selected letters--more were written, but they don't add much to the story.
Up next--The Year of the Trolls


Spoiler: show
 Your fanfics are GREAT, Looney. I have so many mixed feelings that I don't know where to start: I was happily reading about Emil's cute little kids and then Marta's death took me by surprise, and now I'm sad. ;_;
Does this story take place at the same universe where you wrote about Emil and Lalli's deaths?
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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #692 on: July 08, 2015, 12:32:50 AM »
This one needs a bit of perspective… please look at the notes afterwards.

Correspondence
A “Stand Still. Stay Silent” fanfic
Part VI
Spoiler: show
Year 118, Early Summer

Lalli,

Well, I’m still alive, though only by dint of constant, unremitting toil on my part. The tale of woe I have to tell is very nearly unfathomable to me, and I am living in it every day!

Apparently, the Karlstad Expedition nearly destroyed the Cleansers. After that disaster, the new recruit training cycle was dropped from two years to one, and then to six months. Now, I’m commanding children with less than three months of training under their belts!

Of course, this didn’t matter while the core of more experienced, old-time Cleansers was still around to finish the training in the field, but attrition from accidents, illness, aging out and the repeated decapitation strikes by the grosslings have whittled them away. I’m one of a handful in my whole sector, at most, out of over two hundred.

Obviously, my first priority has been to attempt to recreate the Cleanser training that I went through, only under fire and adding in what our trek through Denmark taught me, and the lessons of Karlstad. Obviously, I have not been completely successful in my short tenure as commander here in Kristinehamn, but with daily losses dropping, I flatter (or perhaps console) myself with having had some measure of success.

Or perhaps my second priority, rectifying the insane strategies of High Command into something more feasible for my forces to accomplish, is bearing fruit. I “get away” with this by informing High Command that the goals are unchanged, but that I’ve had to adjust the timelines in which they’re accomplished; this has the virtue of being true, for once I’m satisfied with a unit’s competence, I can give it increasingly difficult assignments and know the unit will not only carry them out, but learn from them, until they’re “working wonders”; that is, doing things the old-time Cleansers saw as routine.

There is so much still to be done, and I’m painfully aware that any of the older guard, were they around, would be able to get it done both faster and better, but I am the one who must accomplish it.

Stay strong and stay safe, my friend, as I attempt to do likewise with my command.

Your Cleanser friend,
Emil Västerström

*
Year 118, Late Summer

Lalli,

Well, Kristinehamn is safe, and of course the idiots at High Command want us to press right back on to Karlstad “and beyond”. It is as though the last “Karlstad Expedition” never happened in their minds. The grosslings will obviously be expecting us to capitalize on our victory by advancing, and stretching our lines all the way to Karlstad would be practically asking them to cut us off and destroy us.

On the other hand, perhaps we can use the grosslings’ expectations against them in some way. A force in Kastrup would be practically begging for its own destruction, unless... This needs further consideration, but I’ll put it to you like this: the grosslings love setting ambushes; will they enjoy being the target of one quite as much?

Stay swift and stay safe, my friend, and write me back soon to let me know how insane I am.

Your Cleanser friend,
Emil Västerström

Author's Notes
Spoiler: show
This is how a legend is born.

I had to consider three and a half different 'levels' of reality when writing this:

Emil's POV, which I took as, "I'm only doing my job, and not as well as my heroes/forebears would have."

Truth: Emil is competent but not brilliant; unfortunately, competence in the face of such incompetence as he found looks like brilliance. He did well, but not spectacularly.

The average Cleanser's POV/the PR spin (that's the half, as it mostly coincides with the Cleanser POV): The Icon who was the reason most of them joined came out from recruiting to save them, and he did, by making them True Cleansers. Under him, anything can be done.

Watch for the next part of "the Year of the Trolls" for more.


Spoiler: show
 Your fanfics are GREAT, Looney. I have so many mixed feelings that I don't know where to start: I was happily reading about Emil's cute little kids and then Marta's death took me by surprise, and now I'm sad. ;_;
Does this story take place at the same universe where you wrote about Emil and Lalli's deaths?

Spoiler: show
Well, I didn't want to begin or end the part with such a huge zap; I also thought I'd put enough foreshadowing in for it to be less unexpected. I mean, I could have put more letters in about her gradual decline and Emil's deepening denial (notice how he avoids certain terms?), but that would have altered the tone unacceptably; I wanted it done so we could move on to the 'repurposing' of Emil's life.
Yep, this is in the same continuity as 'TFFOOM'. This elaborates on some stuff I mentioned there, and adds stuff I didn't.

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #693 on: July 08, 2015, 08:11:11 PM »
I caught up with every single piece of writing I hadn't already read today and had the great idea that I should write another fanfiction.
So after much brainstorming (as some of you already know) my brother and I got ambitious. It's happening. We're going to do the SSSS/ATLA crossover so many people want to see. (Feel free to write your own such crossover, I'm just letting you guys know so that we feel commited to actually doing it.)

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #694 on: July 09, 2015, 09:56:06 PM »
I caught up with every single piece of writing I hadn't already read today and had the great idea that I should write another fanfiction.
So after much brainstorming (as some of you already know) my brother and I got ambitious. It's happening. We're going to do the SSSS/ATLA crossover so many people want to see. (Feel free to write your own such crossover, I'm just letting you guys know so that we feel commited to actually doing it.)
Sounds great! Best of luck! :)
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LooNEY_DAC

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #695 on: July 09, 2015, 11:39:27 PM »
Here we go again…

Correspondence
A “Stand Still. Stay Silent” fanfic
Part VII
Spoiler: show
Year 118, Early Fall

Lalli,

Well, my crazy plan seems to have worked better than I’d hoped.

Inspired by Mikkel’s description of the Battle of Kastrup, I had a huge force of Cleansers enter Karlstad, making as much noise as they could. Then, most of them stealthily pulled out of the city; the only ones who stayed were garrisoning my old islet redoubt, continuing to make as much noise as possible. Naturally, I was with the garrison; I was not going to send good Cleansers somewhere I wouldn’t lead them.

As soon as the trolls made their move, the forces that had pulled out of the town formed a cordon of fire that completely surrounded Karlstad. Slowly, the Cleansers tightened this circle of death until the trolls which were left could only either try to storm the fort, which was secure enough that no such attack could succeed, or try to break through the fire curtain.

Suffice it to say, the troll threat to the region is crippled, if not eliminated, and we have returned safely to the Kristinehamn lines. If all goes well, we will return to Karlstad in a few years, after we’ve progressed enough that it isn’t such a salient.

Many of my aides are showing the right stuff for a new generation of Cleanser leadership to emerge, which relieves me no end. After this is all over, I will be able to hand them the reins without qualm. None of the old guard are left, of course; that’s why I was placed in command to begin with.

I’m glad to hear that you’re keeping the neighborhood trolls well at bay yourselves.

Your Cleanser friend,
Emil Västerström

*
Year 118, Late Fall

Lalli,

I see by your latest letter that you have heard about Sigrun. I myself heard about it mere hours before receiving your letter. I cannot call it much of a shock, though; too many friends have been taken from me this year for another to surprise me. But it is still a blow. Now, we are five again, and we miss our sixth.

On how it happened: I always knew she wouldn’t go easily, but to take on five giants at once--and limp away! I hope she wasn’t in too much pain as she went; I’ve seen too many of my own go from belly wounds not to know how painful they can be.

I do not believe I can add anything more to that, so on to other things.

As the weather closes in, the greatly reduced mass of grosslings grow sluggish and sloppy, making fewer and fewer attacks. Winter is coming, and they want the safety of a nest to shelter in. Before the Karlstad battle, we were lucky if we only had to fend off three attacks per day per unit; now, they average one attack per day on every fifth or sixth unit.

The boys have written letters that speak of their ignorance and that of the public at large. They seem to see me as some great Colossus of war that only needs to look at a troll to vanquish it. Read that line again whenever you need a good laugh, and keep writing yourself.

Your Cleanser friend,
Emil Västerström

Author's Notes
Spoiler: show
As many of you figured, no straw death for Sigrun.

SugaAndSpice

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #696 on: July 10, 2015, 02:06:02 AM »
Well, first fanfic I have written, hope you all like it! It takes place after p. 359.
Spoiler: show
Emil stared as Lalli walked away. The thought rushing through his mind threatened to consume him. 'Why hadn't Mikkel tried? The cat could have lived? And why woul the beast come back? Did it have a conscience?' But mostly, he just felt empty with loss.Loss, loss loss. the word itself felt empty. But as he wiped his bloody knife on his already muddied uniform, and saw his reflection in the shining metal, he felt angry. Angry at Mikkel for not trying to save the poor mother cat. Angry at Sigrun for not caring. He sheathed his knife angrily. She never seemed to care about anything. And angry at Lalli. Sometimes he was just a statue, just a husk of a boy. Emil thought about the moments he'd had with Lalli. The special moments where the world fell away, and Lalli showed some emotion, something to show that he had emotions. But now, as Lalli's footsteps faded, he turned away.'how could he do this?' Emil thought. 'How could he just walk away--the boy's practically an animal himself!' He stood there, in the rain., staring out into the fading light. His vision blurred as he heard words from a familiar, but intelligible language, in the form of a poem. His vision cleared, and he could see sharper than before. There was a dancing blue light around the cats graves, and the form of the mother cat, all injury gone, appeared. She trotted through the air, towards the stones that marked her passed kits. She licked gently at the blue light, and each kitten materialized in turn in a swirl of blue flame. Suddenly, in a flash of pale green, the poor dog's spirit erupted from its body. It bowed its head to the cats, and they walked up, up into the night sky, far away from anything that could hurt them. As they disappeared, six stars shone brighter than they had a moment ago. Emil knew that the animal's spirits had gone to live in the sky, to watch over him, and the rest of the crew. A thin, pale hand reached out and lightly touched his shoulder. Emil turned around to see Lalli, eyes glowing in the darkness, reaching out to him. "You... You did that, didn't you? You made me see their spirits!" Emil turned around and embraced him.

"Sigrun, are the boys back yet?" Mikkel called from his spot in the work room. "Nah, I think they'll be in so---oh. Huh."  "Sigrun?" Mikkel called. When he got no reply, he rounded the corner to join her. "Ah." "Never thought the little Mage dude was a hugger."

'He isn't.' Tuuri smiled to herself.


So, that was it! I hope you enjoyed it! I may write more! But now I should sleep...
I say vol, you say tron! Vol!
…Voltron?

misea

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #697 on: July 10, 2015, 03:03:26 AM »
@LooNEY_DAC: Feeling like a train wreck right now, but god I love this fic so much. BRING ON THE PAIN. >:D

@Willowham: Beautiful!
Spoiler: show
Also, this reminds me a little of the Warriors series. Oh wow, I don't think I ever finished the third miniseries o.0
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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #698 on: July 10, 2015, 04:53:02 AM »
LooNEY: Glad you did that with Sigrun, just what I would have imagined for her. Also, good tale. I'm interested to see where it goes from here.

Willowham: Aaaaaawwwww!!!
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SugaAndSpice

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #699 on: July 10, 2015, 02:32:22 PM »
@Willowham: Beautiful!
Spoiler: show
Also, this reminds me a little of the Warriors series. Oh wow, I don't think I ever finished the third miniseries o.0

lol, I can't remember any of what I wrote, because it was like 12 in the morning. But I am glad that you liked it!
Just reread it. Misea,
Spoiler: show
I realize now it is kind of like a Warriors book. If you have read Bluestar's Prophecy, then i think maybe that is where the spirits thing came from. I have no idea if Finnish Mages can do that but too bad 'cause it was fun.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2015, 02:36:23 PM by Willowham »
I say vol, you say tron! Vol!
…Voltron?

misea

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #700 on: July 10, 2015, 05:33:54 PM »
Willowham:

Spoiler: show
I read Bluestar's Prophecy, but it was like a gazillion years ago aka five(?) years ago. XD So I don't remember anything whoops.
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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #701 on: July 10, 2015, 05:37:49 PM »
You should re-read it!
I say vol, you say tron! Vol!
…Voltron?

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #702 on: July 10, 2015, 06:17:12 PM »
Right, so Solovei finally persuaded me into getting past my laziness and actually writing something.
This is, uh, actually my first ever fanfic. I don't know how it's going to go or even if it fits with canon especially, but neh, it's in the spoiler.
Honest but harsh criticism would be preferable to kind but untrue comments, BTW.

Spoiler: show

The Deal
   The Örvænta Bar is always quiet. Soft music plays, cutting through the fug of cigarette smoke and the stink of alcohol. The clientele all seem oddly reticent, cowed somehow. Most of them, roughnecks and workers from the factories and the farms, are gathered around the bar downing shots of brennivín and arguing.
One woman sits in the corner, away from the workers. She cradles a glass awkwardly in her left hand, as if it would break were she to move. She gazes at the door.
   A boy walks in, swaggering yet gangly, still stuck between awkward youth and maturity. He orders a beer, then takes a table near the woman.
"Trainee mage, lad?"
He gawps at here, as if old women weren't previously capable of speech.
"Well, son?"
"Uh... Yes. How did you tell?"
"A mage always recognises a mage, no matter her age."
He gawps again.
"What? You think mages were invented the minute you were born?"
He inspects her.
"You're not as old as I thought...?"
"Mirjam. And you?"
"Pjetur, ma'am. Trainee Mage, 2nd Class."
"Mage-at-Arms, 1st Class, retired. Nice to meet you, Pjetur. But I have to tell you something."
He sneers. "What could you tell me, old woman?"
"Less of the attitude, I'm not old, I'm wounded. Now listen. You're too young to remember it, but did anyone ever tell you about the Kastrup expedition?"
"What's Kestruup?"
It's her turn to sneer.
"Evidently not, youngling. Listen.
Kastrup was a Danish suburb, part of Copenhagen, the capital. Denmark? Surely you weren't stupid enough to forget it. You only need to know five countries nowadays. Anyway, it was a major city, but was totally overrun by trolls. Most of the population either died from the off or as they tried to escape over the Oresund Bridge. Some were gunned down by the Swedish military, to prevent infection. This was in the early days of the Rash. In any case, it was awful. Thousands of deaths, thousands more infected. The whole city was abandoned for a long, long time."
The boy looks bemused.
"Look, you impatient fool, you need to know this. Temper your short attention span. Now, Copenhagen was a big deal for all those Danish soldiers and citizens stranded on Bornholm or in Sweden and Norway. It was a symbol of hope. A long time after the city was lost, a huge expedition was mounted to retake it. All five nations pledged support, freelancers came swarming for the money, and Danish citizens came for the glory. It took months to organise, but with all that influence and money it moved swiftly."
The boy expresses a modicum more interest.
"We were divided into platoons, which divided into divisions which in turn divided into squads. I was in Platoon B, Division A, Squad 2. We were mainly scouts and cleansers with a few combat-ready skalds, sent in supposedly after the heavy-duty cleansing was done, but still very much at the tip of the spear. Our squad was a small one. Three scouts, four cleansers, two skalds and two mages, me and my Finnish colleague Hollo. I can only remember him, Bjornsen the cleanser and Bryndísarson the scout. The rest of us didn't make it."
The boy's eyes widen; "What happened?"
"Trolls, son. Trolls. More of them than you'll ever see. Kastrup was infested, and the generals hadn't properly briefed us. We'd already seen a giant wipe out two squads across the river, and heard screaming and that awful, awful static on the radio. As soon as we were in the suburb, it was clear that we were in a deathtrap. Almost every building contained a nest. They sent in the tanks first, but they made so much noise, they were being overwhelmed with trolls or destroyed by giants the moment they fired their guns. Kastrup had many pockets of shade for trolls to lurk in, and there was barely a day of sun. "
The boy, at this point, genuinely looks interested.
"So why were you sent in?"
The woman takes a long drink. She moves jerkily, awkwardly, grimacing with every movement.
"Glory. The generals couldn't back out for fear of ridicule, so they sent us poor footsoldiers unto the breach. One hundred and three squads were sent in over the course of a month. Know how many came out intact? Forty-six.  All the others lost people. Most died."
She stops, eyes misting over with the effort of memory.
"My squad was one of the worst hit. Of the eleven people who went into Kastrup, three came out, all injured."
She looks at the boy's expression.
"It was a slaughter, kid. And it was mostly my fault."
She drains her glass.
"One of the skalds wandered too far into the shade, and a beast, a dog, ripped out her throat. Hollo didn't warn her in time, and for that I will never forgive him. I can still remember her face as it ripped her to pieces. The cleansers went to help, and a much larger troll came from the shade and killed them. I didn't see how. All I saw was the blood. One of them managed to unlimber his flamethrower and burn the thing, but he was too late to stop it ripping his leg off."
The boy starts to look queasy.
"Look, kid, you wanted to be a combat mage, you gotta face the bad bits too. Sure, magic's impressive, but it takes a toll. You accrue a debt. My old trainer compared it to a deal with the Devil; it's the best thing in the world until the Devil takes his due. And he always has his due. On that day, my wards failed. The beast took my left leg off at the knee and clawed my face half off. I wouldn't be sitting here had Bjornsen not blown its head off. Him and Hollo dragged me away as I watched the rest of the squad, doomed, attempt to fight the trolls. When a giant came screeching from the next street and simply crushed them, I stopped caring. I passed out."
The boy is looking distinctly unhappy now.
"What, you thought you'd just wave your hands and scare the trolls away? I told you, magic isn't a gift. It's not an ability. It's a debt that you accrue. The lives I previously saved with my wards and runes were paid for with the lives of my squad."
She gets up. The boy notices, for the first time, her scarred face and stiff limbs.
"I also lost my right eye, both legs and right arm, boy. That's what your magic did. Still proud?"
She limps to the door, turning to balefully gaze at him with her one working eye.
"Be careful with the Devil, son. He's devious and cruel. He'll promise you glory and power, then whisk it away and give you pain and sorrow."
She turns to leave, tossing over her shoulder one last bitter sentence:
"He always, always gets his due."
   
I'll be honest, I wasn't entirely sure about this one. I think it perhaps dragged on too long, maybe wasn't entirely convincing, and perhaps wasn't worded well enough.
Still, it's my first fanfic (ever) and of course it can be rewritten: I'll remind you that I would appreciate honest but harsh criticism far, far more than kind but untrue words in the long run.
Still, hope you enjoyed!

I liked it!
Spoiler: And now some other stuff XD • show
Some things though: Where is this taking place? Are they in Denmark, or Iceland? Or Norway? It's a bit unclear. It's not a crucial detail but, would be nice to know.

"What's Kestruup?"  - okay this is just a petpeeve of mine, but he has no reason to mispronounce this. She's saying it out loud, so all he'd do is repeat what she said. If he were reading the word and had never heard it spoken before, that would make more sense. 

I also would word some things differently - like, some of the woman's sentences sound stilted; it's hard to explain but, there's a difference in how people speak when they're telling a story and how a sentence is formed when you're writing. So I would add more pauses, maybe she's trying to remember, or maybe it's hard for her to talk about such a terrifying day.

Sorry if I'm being overly critical! Aside from a few stylistic things, it's really good! :)
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ParanormalAndroid

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #703 on: July 10, 2015, 06:20:06 PM »
I liked it!
Spoiler: And now some other stuff XD • show
Some things though: Where is this taking place? Are they in Denmark, or Iceland? Or Norway? It's a bit unclear. It's not a crucial detail but, would be nice to know.

"What's Kestruup?"  - okay this is just a petpeeve of mine, but he has no reason to mispronounce this. She's saying it out loud, so all he'd do is repeat what she said. If he were reading the word and had never heard it spoken before, that would make more sense. 

I also would word some things differently - like, some of the woman's sentences sound stilted; it's hard to explain but, there's a difference in how people speak when they're telling a story and how a sentence is formed when you're writing. So I would add more pauses, maybe she's trying to remember, or maybe it's hard for her to talk about such a terrifying day.

Sorry if I'm being overly critical! Aside from a few stylistic things, it's really good! :)

Nonono, critical is good and those are all valid concerns.
I should have clarified that it was in Iceland, apologies. The name of the bar is in Icelandic, but that's about it.
I realise now that the mispronunciation, while intended to show the boy's relative ignorance, in fact makes no sense in a verbal context- will fix it.
As for the wording, that's just me, frankly. I'm not an especially talented fictional writer, I think, so I thought putting something out there for just this type of criticism would be a way to improve. Thank you! :3

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Re: The SSSS Scriptorium
« Reply #704 on: July 10, 2015, 06:21:09 PM »
Right, so Solovei finally persuaded me into getting past my laziness and actually writing something.
This is, uh, actually my first ever fanfic. I don't know how it's going to go or even if it fits with canon especially, but neh, it's in the spoiler.
Honest but harsh criticism would be preferable to kind but untrue comments, BTW.

Spoiler: show

The Deal
   The Örvænta Bar is always quiet. Soft music plays, cutting through the fug of cigarette smoke and the stink of alcohol. The clientele all seem oddly reticent, cowed somehow. Most of them, roughnecks and workers from the factories and the farms, are gathered around the bar downing shots of brennivín and arguing.
One woman sits in the corner, away from the workers. She cradles a glass awkwardly in her left hand, as if it would break were she to move. She gazes at the door.
   A boy walks in, swaggering yet gangly, still stuck between awkward youth and maturity. He orders a beer, then takes a table near the woman.
"Trainee mage, lad?"
He gawps at here, as if old women weren't previously capable of speech.
"Well, son?"
"Uh... Yes. How did you tell?"
"A mage always recognises a mage, no matter her age."
He gawps again.
"What? You think mages were invented the minute you were born?"
He inspects her.
"You're not as old as I thought...?"
"Mirjam. And you?"
"Pjetur, ma'am. Trainee Mage, 2nd Class."
"Mage-at-Arms, 1st Class, retired. Nice to meet you, Pjetur. But I have to tell you something."
He sneers. "What could you tell me, old woman?"
"Less of the attitude, I'm not old, I'm wounded. Now listen. You're too young to remember it, but did anyone ever tell you about the Kastrup expedition?"
"What's Kestruup?"
It's her turn to sneer.
"Evidently not, youngling. Listen.
Kastrup was a Danish suburb, part of Copenhagen, the capital. Denmark? Surely you weren't stupid enough to forget it. You only need to know five countries nowadays. Anyway, it was a major city, but was totally overrun by trolls. Most of the population either died from the off or as they tried to escape over the Oresund Bridge. Some were gunned down by the Swedish military, to prevent infection. This was in the early days of the Rash. In any case, it was awful. Thousands of deaths, thousands more infected. The whole city was abandoned for a long, long time."
The boy looks bemused.
"Look, you impatient fool, you need to know this. Temper your short attention span. Now, Copenhagen was a big deal for all those Danish soldiers and citizens stranded on Bornholm or in Sweden and Norway. It was a symbol of hope. A long time after the city was lost, a huge expedition was mounted to retake it. All five nations pledged support, freelancers came swarming for the money, and Danish citizens came for the glory. It took months to organise, but with all that influence and money it moved swiftly."
The boy expresses a modicum more interest.
"We were divided into platoons, which divided into divisions which in turn divided into squads. I was in Platoon B, Division A, Squad 2. We were mainly scouts and cleansers with a few combat-ready skalds, sent in supposedly after the heavy-duty cleansing was done, but still very much at the tip of the spear. Our squad was a small one. Three scouts, four cleansers, two skalds and two mages, me and my Finnish colleague Hollo. I can only remember him, Bjornsen the cleanser and Bryndísarson the scout. The rest of us didn't make it."
The boy's eyes widen; "What happened?"
"Trolls, son. Trolls. More of them than you'll ever see. Kastrup was infested, and the generals hadn't properly briefed us. We'd already seen a giant wipe out two squads across the river, and heard screaming and that awful, awful static on the radio. As soon as we were in the suburb, it was clear that we were in a deathtrap. Almost every building contained a nest. They sent in the tanks first, but they made so much noise, they were being overwhelmed with trolls or destroyed by giants the moment they fired their guns. Kastrup had many pockets of shade for trolls to lurk in, and there was barely a day of sun. "
The boy, at this point, genuinely looks interested.
"So why were you sent in?"
The woman takes a long drink. She moves jerkily, awkwardly, grimacing with every movement.
"Glory. The generals couldn't back out for fear of ridicule, so they sent us poor footsoldiers unto the breach. One hundred and three squads were sent in over the course of a month. Know how many came out intact? Forty-six.  All the others lost people. Most died."
She stops, eyes misting over with the effort of memory.
"My squad was one of the worst hit. Of the eleven people who went into Kastrup, three came out, all injured."
She looks at the boy's expression.
"It was a slaughter, kid. And it was mostly my fault."
She drains her glass.
"One of the skalds wandered too far into the shade, and a beast, a dog, ripped out her throat. Hollo didn't warn her in time, and for that I will never forgive him. I can still remember her face as it ripped her to pieces. The cleansers went to help, and a much larger troll came from the shade and killed them. I didn't see how. All I saw was the blood. One of them managed to unlimber his flamethrower and burn the thing, but he was too late to stop it ripping his leg off."
The boy starts to look queasy.
"Look, kid, you wanted to be a combat mage, you gotta face the bad bits too. Sure, magic's impressive, but it takes a toll. You accrue a debt. My old trainer compared it to a deal with the Devil; it's the best thing in the world until the Devil takes his due. And he always has his due. On that day, my wards failed. The beast took my left leg off at the knee and clawed my face half off. I wouldn't be sitting here had Bjornsen not blown its head off. Him and Hollo dragged me away as I watched the rest of the squad, doomed, attempt to fight the trolls. When a giant came screeching from the next street and simply crushed them, I stopped caring. I passed out."
The boy is looking distinctly unhappy now.
"What, you thought you'd just wave your hands and scare the trolls away? I told you, magic isn't a gift. It's not an ability. It's a debt that you accrue. The lives I previously saved with my wards and runes were paid for with the lives of my squad."
She gets up. The boy notices, for the first time, her scarred face and stiff limbs.
"I also lost my right eye, both legs and right arm, boy. That's what your magic did. Still proud?"
She limps to the door, turning to balefully gaze at him with her one working eye.
"Be careful with the Devil, son. He's devious and cruel. He'll promise you glory and power, then whisk it away and give you pain and sorrow."
She turns to leave, tossing over her shoulder one last bitter sentence:
"He always, always gets his due."
   
I'll be honest, I wasn't entirely sure about this one. I think it perhaps dragged on too long, maybe wasn't entirely convincing, and perhaps wasn't worded well enough.
Still, it's my first fanfic (ever) and of course it can be rewritten: I'll remind you that I would appreciate honest but harsh criticism far, far more than kind but untrue words in the long run.
Still, hope you enjoyed!


Ooh, I really like this! :D I agree with Solo but overall it's really well-written!
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