”I want to sleep forever.”
”But... you have to keep going. You promised you would.”
My gaze locked to the ceiling. I hadn't meant it like that, not this time. My body was exhausted, my mind was exhausted. But sleeping forever, finally releasing myself from the chains of the past, never again waking up to the loneliness that had formed my life, that had forever followed me... I wanted that. I wanted that more than I could allow myself to admit. Especially now that not only my own life rested in my hands.
Eternal sleep. Freedom. It rang nicely in my ears, but resonated sadly in my soul. Could he see it? His eyes rested at me and I had always been an open book. Easy to read and figure out for everyone except my father.
I want to sleep forever.
I hadn't meant it like that, but I wanted to. I had wanted it longer than I cared to admit. Far before this expedition, far before my time in the cleansers, my experiences in public school, before the fire, before my father started forgetting my birthdays. How young had I been when it started? I couldn't remember any longer. But there was always something that kept me going, kept me waking up. Another sunrise I didn't wish for.
We are friends, right?
I couldn't ask him.
It's what keeps me going now. You. Me. Friendship.
What if he said no? Admitted to disliking me, just as so many others did. Could I handle that? Right now? In this exhausted state? Would knowing he hated me help keep me awake, help make me not fall asleep? Help me keep struggling? I couldn't look at him. It wouldn't, I knew myself well enough. I wouldn't stop caring for him, wouldn't stop want to save him, but it'd be harder.
His eyes were still locked on me, waiting for an answer. How long had I been lost in thoughts? Me eyes closed, forced my mind to stop wandering.
”Yes.”
I had given my promise. I'd get us both to the extraction point. Alive.
What would happen to you if I died?
Another question I couldn't ask. I pulled a hand through my hair, scratched my neck. I still couldn't meet his eyes. What if he could see what thoughts I harboured behind my eyes and the smile I usually tried to wear?
”Sorry, I didn't mean I'm about to give up.”
It wasn't a lie. No matter how much I wanted to I couldn't give up. Not yet. Not while he was still depending on me. Maybe when he got back to his body, maybe when we were back to safety. Maybe, but I knew something else would keep me waking up.
”I'm just exhausted.”
Even more than I had ever been before. All of me was exhausted. My mind, but it had always been, and my body. I opened my eyes again, stared at the ceiling, avoided looking at him.
”I need to rest my eyes.”
I was so tired. Dragging the two of us through Denmark, almost becoming troll-food again, learning that everything I knew about magic and gods was wrong and still trying to be hopeful, trying to be happy, trying to be the one everyone had always known me as... My energy reserves were running low. Just a little longer, I had to keep it up just a little longer.
What happens when we die?
Not yet, I wouldn't find out yet. I had to keep going until we reached the extraction point. My eyes closed once more.
”Just a little...”
Sleep grabbed me, forced me away from him and I welcomed it. In the morning. Everything would look brighter in the morning. And I'd be able to act like I didn't want to sleep forever again.
