i'm a little afraid of falling into old habits by replying to this... I Don't Know How To Explain To People That Hating Yourself Isn't That Great
we can agree to disagree, but i think self-disgust and constantly beating yourself up IS relevant to your mental wellbeing - but i'm definitely not gonna tell you what to do or feel! just my thoughts as a stranger on the internet reading things you write on a forum.
i'm not saying guilt can't be a useful feeling. it absolutely is if it drives you to do better. i can't tell you what everyone wants from people who make mistakes, but i certainly don't want them to suffer over it. i don't have a lot of room for pettiness and spite in me, to be honest. usually i want an apology and for future actions to show that they're doing their best, you know? the apology doesn't even matter that much if what they do next shows that nothing's changed. words are cheap and actions speak loud. it's not that i think people shouldn't feel guilty or bad ever, it's that wallowing in that guilt becomes a self-centered action.
maybe it's more relevant in activist circles, but pretty much every person with an interest in fighting for human rights has to face their privileges. if they're white, or straight, or cis, or thin, or able-bodied, or well off, recognizing the privilege it gives them within the structure of a society can be a harrowing experience. but as many activists better than me have talked about, constantly beating yourself up about it and making it about you and how bad you feel is NOT helping the cause. acknowledging your part in a skewed society is different than self-flagellation, and there's far more helpful things to put that energy towards.
it's hard work. being a person IS hard work. actively working on bettering your empathy or understanding others is work. but it's good and important work!
self-forgiveness is hard work. to me, it has been absolutely and incredibly vital. i'm not going to go into details, but over the past couple years i've experienced what it's like for someone to truly want to hurt me, to take advantage of my good faith that i've extended over and over, to smear my name, a Whole Lotta Things. a problem i've always had is that i'm a deeply self-sacrificial person who refuses to let go of an idealistic worldview. it's embarassing that i only recently learnt to recognize when people are engaging with me in bad faith and holding my own kindness hostage. during this very painful experiences, i had these choices:
(0) believe everything they said about me even though it had no base in reality, isolate myself from everything and everyone and punish myself forever for being such and awful disgusting person and never make an attempt to have any friends ever again)
1) berate myself for being so STUPID and NAIVE who couldn't deal with this BETTER
2) let myself feel angry and hurt and guilty and upset, understand that i feel what any human would feel, that i acted how any human would act.
2 is what self forgiveness is to me. to accept what i did, what i feel, and what that means for me, and what i can do next. it means not hiding away from the things I did, but accept them as a part of my whole and messy personhood. as another experience in my library.
self forgiveness, for me, means letting myself have boundaries, to understand that i will always dissappoint some people no matter what i do, and it's not wrong of me to do so. it means not burning myself up to keep someone else warm. forgiving everyone but yourself is sheathing swords into your heart over and over until you bleed out. i say that because i've been there, one too many tines. how can you extend all that understanding towards everyone around you and none to yourself?
i'm an agnostic person with very little knowledge about what it's like to be christian, and i have no desire to tell you how to interpret your faith. it's more like i have some questions - if you are loved and created by God, why would you be so disgusted and punishing with yourself? are you absolutely sure that's what He wants from you? i don't think anyone was created perfect and with every knowledge the moment we were born, otherwise there would be no point in the learning experiences you ask for. we are all a work in progress and there's nothing wrong with that. and i personally and agnostically believe the work is whatever effort we choose to place in our learning opportunities.