TTRPG Thread

[Kelpie]

I've been thinking of making this for a while so here it is! An entire thread for everything TTRPG! Talk about different systems, your characters, and tell any cool stories you may have.

Now that it's here I don't know what to say so I'll start us off and tell you the story of why you should always pick up everything you find.

Spoiler: "The Flippity Floppity Fish" • show

This is in 5e D&D and I'm playing a stereotypical warlock of dubious morals. The group needed a place to sleep for the night so we looked for an inn, and the closest one was called The Flippity Floppity Fish. We were all like okay, that's a weird name but whatever as long as we can sleep there so we went in. We were greeted by an extremely enthusiastic innkeeper who started talking to the lawful good super-righteous Cleric man.

Innkeeper (with a heavy accent that changed the whole time we were talking to him): Welcome to the Flippity Floppity Fish!!!
 It is ten gold for a night, but! You may pay in fish if you wish! *flops a fish around*

Cleric: Okay, yeah here's the mon-

Me: WAIT.

It was about then that I realized I had an entire bag of fish bones in my backpack for some reason. I still don't know where they came from. I dumped them out on the counter.

Innkeeper: No nonono! These fish are not flippity floppity! The fish must be flippity floppity, and these are no longer!

Me: But sir, *waves a hand over the fish and makes them look alive with prestidigitation* would you still say that these fish are not flippity floppity?

Innkeeper: *gasps in wonder at the fish and gets one of the employees* Look! These fish were not flippity floppity and he has made them flippity floppity! Take the fish behind and I shall bring them to their rooms.

So from there I knew that the spell only lasts like a few minutes or something but we had a free room for the moment and I was taking it. We slept for the night.

DM: Hey Jhev, you're awoken by the sound of very loud arguing.

I went downstairs to find the sorceress and the rogue arguing with the innkeeper.

Me: What seems to be the problem?

Innkeeper: The fish are no longer flippity floppity! You have cheated us!

Me: I assure you we did nothing of the sort! You must have done something to the fish!

And so it went back and forth like that for a while until...

Me: How do I know you didn't eat the fish?

Innkeeper: I would never eat the fish!

Me: Then what about one of the employees?

The guy got a weird look on his face and walked into the backroom. There was suddenly a bunch of yelling and the employee from the night before ran out of the inn with the Innkeeper chasing him.

Innkeeper: I am so sorry! You must forgive me, have another night free, and some fish for breakfast!

Turns out, he went in the backroom right as the employee was eating breakfast, and that's the story of how I got two nights free at an inn and an employee fired with nothing but a bag of dead fish.

What weird/cool stuff have you guys pulled off? Something better than my lame fish story, I'm sure.

[Jethan]

That's such a funny, silly story. 
Unfortunately I haven't roleplayed much, but I look forward to reading other people's funny stories.

[Purple Wyrm]

Here's a nice coincidence - while doing some cleaning over the weekend I uncovered a box full of all my old Middle Earth Role Playing (MERP) stuff, which reminded me of an incident in the campaign I ran for my friends many years ago.

I'd run them through the introductory campaign from the boxed set which involved raiding a sorcerer's castle in the Trollshaws. During the course of this adventure they'd picked up an arrow of Fell Beast slaying - they weren't able to identify it completely, but they knew it was enchanted.

From the Trollshaws they decided to travel to Tharbad to sell their loot. Along the way they picked up a fellow traveller who - unbeknownst to them - was the sorcerer whose castle they'd trashed. He wasn't very happy, and had a plan to get his revenge.

When they reached the Barrow Downs he surreptitiously summoned a fog and led them off the road (you've got to get lost in a fog on the Barrow Downs! It's tradition! ). He then summoned a Fell Beast, revealed his identity and attacked!

The group's archer decided to use the enchanted arrow. I had of course planned for this - a Fell Beast was a bit too tough for the party to handle but the arrow should even the odds. He let fly, and rolled the percentile dice...

He rolled a 99.

Under the MERP system when you roll above 97 you roll again and add it to the total. The arrow gave the roll a +50, so the total was already at 149 (out of 100), and he got to roll again. He rolled...

98!

The total was now at 247 with another roll to go! He rolled again...

55

The final attack roll was 302 out of 100. I dropped my dice to the table without even bothering with an opposing roll, and described the Fell Beast exploding into a fine pink mist before collapsing into hysterical laughter along with everyone else 

[Abprallen]

The first campaign I played we were still learning the ropes - it was also our DM's first game - so I have a few funny stories from that! One that sticks though is this one, when we were escaping from prison.
Should also mention it was D&D 5e!

Spoiler: long and swearing • show

We'd started off in a court house where we were all being tried of a crime we didn't commit, and it ended up with us being in the back of a covered wagon as they transferred us to a bigger prison.
My character was a bear. My character did not like being cooped up in the wagon. So I decided I was going to sort the guards out and take the front seat.
DM: okay, d20
I rolled a natural 20.
DM: (laughing) oh my god, okay, you punch through the wood and take a guard out.
Me: Yes!
Spurned on by my success, another tried the same thing but ended up just having to stab through the wood with their sword. But we were free from the guards. The wagon, however, continued moving until we heard a commotion outside and the sound of the horses panicking.
So we all jumped out to take a looksie and a tree had come to life and was chilling out in the middle of the path. We managed to calm it and convince it to go back into the forests around us, but we weren't so lucky with our horses. Only one managed to calm down somewhat, but the other was still panicking.
T: I'll make a potion for it!
DM: Go for it, d20.
He rolled a 1.
The horse took one whiff of the potion he'd made and died on the spot. The other horse was, understandably, shitting itself.
S: we'll need that meat, though.
We all nod in agreement, our DM watching in horror as we all agree to cut up the dead horse and take it with us as food. We roll and do pretty well, getting most of the viable meat from it.
The wagon is useless without two horses to pull it, so we cut it apart for firewood and eat 1/3 of the horse on the spot. The rest we wrap up and put on the other horse to carry for us.
DM: (almost crying) you sick, sick bastards!! You've just traumatised it! First you kill its companion in front of it, now you force it to carry them!
All: Your point??

There's a lot more from this campaign like when we convinced an ogre we were the god of the forge but I'll save it for another day

[Purple Wyrm]

My character was a bear.

Paging Sir Bearington!

[Abprallen]

Paging Sir Bearington!

Oh my god, I've never laughed harder

[Kelpie]

Paging Sir Bearington!

I was about 80% sure Sir Bearington would be brought up on the first page, and I'm glad to see you didn't disappoint.

[Ragnarok]

None of these are mine, but they're hilarious:

Spoiler: the tale of ghurrgh • show

Reminds me of the one time I tried to play D&D back in college, where I joined a group as a member had to leave due to a housing dispute. I was a Barbarian, and managed to roll 17+ on every stat except Int, on which I rolled a natural 1. Thus, “Ghurrrrrg!” (not his name, but pretty much the only thing he could say) the Barbarian was born, as strong as a house and about as intelligent. When it came time to take second classes, Ghurrrrrg figured that, if he was strong as a barbarian, if he took barbarian as his second class he could be two barbarians at once! And so, Ghurrrrrg the Barbarian/Barbarian (or Barbarian^2) set off with his companions, each of them grateful for his strength even if he did dribble out of both sides of his mouth.

Spoiler: shadowrun randoms • show

Sadly I’ve never had a group to play DnD with, so I ended up a Shadowrun junky, and boy do we get up to similar shenanigans.

Personal favorite builds include: a possession tradition Free Spirit of Man (Trash/Garbage) trapped in a hybrid flesh form host body, resulting in the filthiest stray dog in the world but with magical superpowers; an elderly but handsome and clever Satyr diplomat, accountant, psychiatrist, and gigolo from Greece; a Malaysian pirate/Dayak Headhunter T’skrang (aquatic lizard/dragon-men from ancient magical prehistory); a timid Japanese office nerd Troll computer whiz who went postal on his corporate cubicle farm and had to flee the country; and a breakdancing cyborg Ork capoeira machine-gunner with specialized pneumatic ankle-spikes used to anchor himself into floors to help absorb full auto recoil living in the apocalyptic ruins of Chicago.

Then there are the community legends – figures of myth, the heroes of stories passed down in whispers in the darkest corners of fansites and forums. Names like “Boas Mungo”, the ork street Shaman / slumlord / professional fixer of the downtown Seattle undercity, reknowned for his sheer rippling machismo and bizarre manner of speech. Or “Bear-Who-Walks-Through-Walls”, the Troll Bear Shapeshifter who can dig tunnels through anything short of a reinforced blast bunker at a rate of at least twenty feet per minute with his bare (bear) hands.

Spoiler: the misfits • show

Back in my RPG times, we also had a band of merry misfits with the most feeble-minded character abilities :
– Lawful good thief who just can “steal” things off another thief to hand it back to the original owner
– Undead paladin who found himself being an abdomination of nature but could not off himself because his god forbid him to do so
– Dwarfen mason with claustrophobia
– High cleric with a serious tourette-syndrome when holdig a sermon
– Many warriors being haemophiliacs, pacifists or simply physically unfit to lift a sword

[Purple Wyrm]

I was about 80% sure Sir Bearington would be brought up on the first page, and I'm glad to see you didn't disappoint.

Happy to help! 

On the subject of classic RPG tales, how about the Head of Vecna?

[Abprallen]

Happy to help! 

On the subject of classic RPG tales, how about the Head of Vecna?

Oh my god that's actually hysterical
I'm trying not to wake my parents up from laughing :'D

[Kelpie]

Happy to help! 

On the subject of classic RPG tales, how about the Head of Vecna?

Yep, that's a good one too!
But see, we're missing the true classic here. The Gazebo

Stories aside, what do you guys who have played D&D 5e think of what's happened to shields? Personally it bugs the heck out of me that a buckler and a tower shield add the same amount of AC bonus and I'm thinking about just using the 3.5 stats for it, but I'm sort of afraid of confusing my friends who have only played 5e.

[Solokov]

Spoiler: And the rats go skree • show

So, for the longest time in my D&D group we had a running joke that when rat swarms were out of range of being able to attack anyone but still being in combat, they would go 'skree'.

Well I was pinch gm'ing for the group because the regular gm had to do things, so for starters I put them in a dream state, and then had the mysterious druid show up to chill and smoke his pipe (he's generally our in game cue that things are about to go down).. so somehow the party winds up split up through a labyrinth, the mage has tea and smokes with the druid and the rogue wanders around. Somehow I manage to pipedream  back to one place, and then I have a dragon sized rat claw it's way out of the rouge's forehead after he bumps it on a table.


Enter Skree, god of rats. The fight was supposed to be a TPK dream sequence because of illitihids being annoying and inducing dreams but the mage takes off down the tunnel away from skree and spends 20 minutes shooting magic missiles at skree because I forgot to make the boss room a locked up arena and forgot I as GM could do rocks's fall everyone dies..... Still Skree entered the mythos as the god of rats and has been a running problem dogging the party ever since... and yes I have kept him up to date.

Spoiler: BEHOLD SKREE • show

Skree, god of rats
Huge creature
there are three phases to this fight.

Freshly summoned, fully realized, and partially banished. Each phase has 125 hp for a total of 375.

When freshly summoned, Skree has the following abilities:


Standard actions:

Claw
Attack, melee:
+8 vs AC
1d8+5

Quick Bite:
Unless stunned skree has an attack of opportunity for any target entering
a 2 square cone in front of the rat god. Can only be triggered once per combat round.
2d6x2 to damage -4 versus reflex, on hit target is surprised and cannot attack this round.



When fully realized skree has the above abilities as well as:

Persistant Rat Swarm, 1d4 damage to any players within 12 feet of skree per combat round.

Tail whip: Attack of opportunity any time a player enters or leaves a 20 foot radius of skree. save -3 vs agility, 1d6 damage on hit and the player's turn is suspended and placed at the bottom of the initiative list.

During partial banishment Skree gains the following ability, but loses persistant rat swarm, and Quick Bite

Engulf:
+4 vs agility
Skree lunges foreward and engulfs the target in it's mouth, can be only used on a target within 12 feet

Swallow
-2 vs strength/agility (higher score)

Skree swallows any target currently engulfed, immobilitiing them until they make a strength saving throw of 16 or above to claw their way out of skree's esophogus, placing them back into engulf

Spoiler: The dog suplexed WHAT? • show

So this was a oneshot test campaign during 5e's closed beta. We had two parties of 6 being run by two dms who would then be having the two parties trainwreck into each other.

We'd been dungeoning our way though, more or less the texas chainsaw killer's meat locker and finally got to the center of the dungeon, as the other party walks in as well covered in blood... well we're all covered in blood by this point and we have a good old mexican standoff... until the giant cube of meat in the center of the room moves and tries to smash the nearest paladin.

We start fighting the meat golem, and over the course of 20 minutes we realize that it's just regenerating. Someone figures out that the statue by where it had been sitting was the power source and so the ranger's wolf runs up, and passes the strength check to pick up the  ogre sized stone statue in it's teeth and toss it off into the hole behind it, breaking it and leaving the meat golem unable to regenerate.

So yeah we finished the short campaign with a wolf suplexing a statue.

[Rhynerd]

I was a rather wild DnD 3.5 (with a hint of Pathfinder and Deadlands) campaign back in 2015 (and maybe a bit of 2016). It's probably worth a few stories and chat log excerpts (provided the chat archive wasn't deleted).

Allow me to list some of the more persistent party members:

Spoiler: show

• A Tengu Rogue/Gunslinger (my character)
• A part-whale dragonborn mage
• A half-half-elf half-half-orc fighter
• A human vigilante combat bard
• A formerly human spirit that occasionally lives in his two swords
• An NPC human cyborg "razorgirl" (think a grappler that just wants to stab you with cybernetic claws)
• An NPC human Hedge Wizard with powers rivaling the gods

[LooNEY_DAC]

Not mine, but another classic I found lurking on the Order of the Stick forum.

The SUE Files.

Yes, this is where the Cheese Forges came from.

[WrittenEmber]

I just started a new DnD 5e campaign last night. Our DM homebrewed a lot of the stats for our characters, so that we could play unusual things. For example, we have a robot halfling, a gunslinger elf, a sentient construct, a fallen angel with amnesia, and my own character, who is a giant, bipedal wolf-person.

Our very first active session, we repaid this hard work and generous encouragement of our creativity by completely derailing our DM's whole plan for us.

Spoiler: Our DM Is In For A Hard Time • show

My character and the angel were already friends and traveling together. All the rest of them came to the starting point -- a market square -- separately. Three of these characters strike up a conversation, which lasts maybe ten minutes before the DM says, "An airship flies over the square, drops ropes, and sky pirates descend on the square and begin attacking and looting." A fight follows, of course, and that's most of the session... but when it's over, the DM says, "The city guard arrives and places all of you under arrest." Arguments are made, none of them work; basically the city guard lets pirates and raiders run rampant and demands protection money from the citizens to keep them safe, and we bungled that up so now we're in trouble.

In meta terms, the DM wants us all in jail together so we can get to know each other and be given some kind of group quest to clear our names or otherwise get ourselves out of trouble -- this is what's supposed to bring all of us strangers together to make a party.

But none of us wants to go to jail.

So the halfling robot says he's going to run across the square and jump in the well. Rolls high and pulls it off, much to the DM's surprise and minor annoyance. Another character thinks that's a great idea and tries it too; he also pulls it off (his first crit all night), even though he spent the entire actual fight trying and failing to run away.

Then my angel buddy decides to lie her backside off and try to convince the guard that I, the wolf-person, am royalty and she's my bodyguard. (This is absurd for several reasons. One, she's super vulnerable and obviously nobody's bodyguard. Two, I'm a huge, tanky fighter and obviously don't need a bodyguard. Three, my race doesn't even have royalty.) Natural 20, plus some ridiculous modifier on top. The guard buys it 100%, apologizes, and calls me 'your highness'. Me and the angel are free to go. We leave immediately before the ruse can fall apart.

So instead of six adventurers bonding in a jail cell, our DM has two characters in jail, two down a well, and two on the loose and booking it out of that town. The DM ended the session and congratulated us on breaking his opener.

We all acknowledged that we are the worst. But we had so much fun doing it.