Bad jokes thread

[Yastreb]

With my role-playing group long aeons ago (so it seems now), during a game of Earthdawn, the party encountered an unusual being; basically a human with the head of a tiger. Not being of the Knights of the Dinner Table style, we talked with him, thereby gaining some useful information, and parted amicably.

"He's going to Nepal," I said.
"Why?" the GM asked.
"What else would a cat man do?"

[Yastreb]

Japanese chess players have no time to rest. It's all Go, Go, Go.

[Yastreb]

Yesterday I was diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants...

Feefiphobia.

[Yastreb]

And to all those planning to overindulge in the days ahead... Yule be sorry!

[Róisín]

But I’m sure we will enjoy it all the same! If I remember correctly you don’t even enjoy good whiskey? Little say my home brew. Ah well, as the old song says:
 “If she likes a drappie
We maun weel agree.
If she darena tak it
All the mair for me!”.

[Buteo]

[This may not play well outside the U.S. - even in countries separated by a common language, food terms differ. However:]

One of my cats needs a prescription diet. On top of that, he likes mixed flavours, and won't eat enough if the food isn't appealing.

So I combine a can of seafood flavor and one of poultry, and feed him fish and chicks.

[Grade E cat]

The joke works best in French, but it's so bad I couldn't resist:
What do you call half of a "quatre-quarts" cake? A "deux-quarts".

[Yastreb]

An officer from each of the United States armed forces - the Navy, the Army, the Marine Corps, and the Air Force - was given the order "Secure a building" and told to draft the appropriate operational instructions.

The Navy officer ordered that all fire-fighting equipment be confirmed as fully effective, all first-aid stores fully stocked, any trip hazards eliminated, all electrical equipment properly earthed and verified as safe, and all emergency exits clearly signposted and uncluttered.

The Army officer ordered guards placed on all doors, sentinels on the roof and upper floors, roving patrols on the perimeter, and access to be restricted to authorised personnel.

The Marine Corps officer prepared plans for an assault by a company supported by mortars and rocket launchers, with detailed orders on clearing the floors of hostiles, securing prisoners and intelligence, evacuating the wounded, and setting up defences against counter-attacks.

The Air Force officer wrote, "Contact the owner to discuss options to rent or purchase."

[Yastreb]

Who doesn't love a good mixed metaphor?

"Mr. Speaker, I smell a rat, I see him forming in the air and darkening the sky, but I’ll nip him in the bud."

"He's skating on thin ice, and if he doesn't watch out he'll find hinself in hot water."

"He's a wolf in sheep's clothing, and cares only about feathering his own nest."

“When you open that Pandora’s box, you will find it full of Trojan horses.”

“Let’s fix our roof while the sun is shining because we’re on a course to hit the rocks and we have to fix it.”

“The fig-leaf they are trying to pull over people’s eyes just won’t wash.”

[Yastreb]

What do you call esoteric knowledge when it becomes fashionable?

Hip gnosis.

[Grade E cat]

My cat has Attention Deficit Disorder. He's not getting enough attention.

[wavewright62]

What do you call esoteric knowledge when it becomes fashionable?

Hip gnosis.

You always leave us great material, but this is next-level stuff.  thank you

[Yastreb]

"I hate being half-bicycle and half-motorcycle," he moped.

Lacking Energy by Beau Nidle

[Jitter]

Yastreb I think you mean I HATE being…?

[Yastreb]

Um, yes, that should have read "hate being..."

Corrected, and thanks.