Tuuri's going through some books when she finds an old beat-up notebook. Picking it up she reads the handwritten title: "Ting jeg ikke lov til at gøre." (Things I'm not allowed to do.) Curiosity gets the better of her, and she opens it, to find the list below. The items are written in different colored inks, some older, some newer, some items crossed out or amended, all in the same handwriting. Tuuri reads item after item, eyes growing wider and wider, and she realizes that the true puzzle about Mikkel is not how he manages to get fired so often, but how he manages to get hired.
'En hel skide flok' is not a valid response when asked for an enemy numbers report.
Or for ANY numbers report.
Yes, this includes inventory.
No longer allowed near the armory.
Not allowed to wrap new crew members in blanket burritos and joke about eating them, because no one understands my sense of humor
I am no longer allowed to debrief hunters after disastrous missions.
Or normal missions.
I am not allowed to talk to hunters.
Having a large couch does not make me a licensed psychiatrist.
Neither does owning a "pipe of wisdom."
Not allowed to appear out of nowhere.
Not allowed to ask mages to assist in the same.
No longer allowed to teleport.
Any form of instant travel counts as teleporting.
Not allowed to ask mages to assist with above.
Not allowed to ask scientists either.
Building a "Cat-a-pult" is neither a useful nor humane military tactic against Trolls.
No longer allowed near Grade A cats.
No longer allowed near Grade B cats.
No longer allowed near cats of any kind.
No longer allowed near animals even approximating catness.
No longer allowed near animals of any kind.
Not allowed to operate helicopters.
Not allowed to operate jet aircraft.
Not allowed to operate propeller aircraft.
Not allowed to operate flying vehicles of any sort.
Not allowed to convert non-flying vehicles to flying vehicles.
Not allowed to use catapults for above purpose.
Not allowed near airfields.
Not allowed near tank depots.
No longer allowed near the jeep garage.
I am not allowed to tell people with gastric distress to "
put de lime in de coconut and drink it all up."Not allowed to change anyone's uniform to Nazi Germany's military uniform even when I think it suits them better.
Not even when everyone thinks it suits them better.
Not allowed to suggest any changes to the uniforms.
Not allowed to keep beasts as pets.
Even if I promise that I won't feed it after midnight.
Even if I promise that I won't feed it people
We do not need to blow up every bridge we come across in case there are trolls living under it.
Even if the last three or so did have trolls under them.
Goblins do not make excellent cobblers.
Giving gold rings to goblins will not make them mutter "my precious"
Not allowed to wear medals claimed to have been awarded by supernatural entities
Not allowed to trick greenhorns into awarding them to me as a proxy to such entities
Standing order to present self to the CO for a uniform inspection every morning oh-five-thirty
Not allowed to appear for same with full battle gear and grimacing "because I'm still tired"
Not allowed to drag a chest with same gear behind me right across the paved parade ground
I will not ask icelandic mages for next week's lotto numbers. Besides they almost certainly got the tickets first.
I will not taunt or insult the spirits
Even if I do it in runo time
Not allowed to make bets with mages to taunt spirits
Especially if they are Norwegian
As of the Saimaa incident, I am never to be given access to a kantele
I am no longer allowed to entrust classified information to the following: myself, new recruits, foreign diplomats, Trond Anderson, and Admiral Olsen
Especially Admiral Olsen
I am not the high priest of Loki and am not religiously obligated to put buckets of water over the door to the military conference room.
I am not allowed to become an ordained priest of Loki
I am not allowed to become an ordained priest of any god, deity, or supernatural entity.
Especially the Hiisi
Not allowed to send scouts through poison ivy and then claim they have the rash
Even if they are immune
Not allowed to switch the cleanser's dynamite with hair care products
Not allowed to use cleanser equipment for cooking
I am no longer allowed near any cleanser equipment
I may not ask cleansers to cook for me
I may not ask cleansers to do anything
I am no longer allowed near cleansers without supervision
Cats do not count, no matter how smart they are
Trolls are not pacified by an offering of billy goats
Giants do not go "fee-fi-fo-fum" and I am not allowed to make information pamphlets that say otherwise
Even if we did just fight a giant that said that.
Beasts are never "good eatin"
In contrast to what I may think, "the fish is rotten" does not mean "only my boss may eat it".
The sheep is served best without wool.
Not allowed to hide wool in sheep meat.
Not allowed to give my acorns-allergic co-worker acorns 'just to see what would happen.'
I shall never, ever, withhold my cookies from anyone.
I shall not demand anything even slightly illegal at the price of my cookies.
What is legal and what is illegal is decided by local law, not anything or anyone else.
Five course meal is not what my superior means when he says "snack".
The opposite is also true.
Serving dishes with alcohol to sailors on duty is a terrible idea, regardless of the amusement it brings me and my colleagues.
Not allowed to tell visiting VIP that the dish is made of troll.
Especially if the dish is made from troll.
Troll is not viable food.
Calling troll by any other name does not make it viable food.
Not allowed to cast exorcisms on troll to use it for cooking.
Not allowed to ask mages to do the same.
If a dish is moving on its own accord, I can safely assume that it is inedible.
Throwing food away is not 'wasting it' if it tries to crawl out of the pot on its own.
Not allowed to throw the food away into my boss' bed, even if it 'looks just like him.'
The dish I'm serving is not made from my co-workers.
The dish I'm serving is not made from customers.
Not allowed to call any dish "Soylent Green".
When a customer complains of a fly in the soup the correct response is to fetch a fresh bowl of soup, not to lift the insect out of the soup by its wings and shout, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
I am not permitted to spit in an customer's drink, particularly in full view of the customer.
A chef's hat is not part of military uniform.
Especially if it is over one metre tall.
I am not allowed to tie Admiral Olsen's braids to anything, including other parts of Admiral Olsen.
Not allowed to send grossling hunters into superior's quarters with a false report about a "Drider infestation".
Not allowed to write fanfics about my superiors and co-workers.
Not allowed to put aforementioned fanfics where everyone can see them.
I am not permitted to give nicknames.
Not permitted to diagnose my superior officers with face cancer.
Not permitted to diagnose officers with illnesses that do not exist.
Not permitted to diagnose anyone with illnesses that do not exist.
Not permitted to diagnose anyone with illnesses "in late stages of development".
Not permitted to work on new illnesses.
Not permitted to blackmail mages into doing same.
I am not allowed to diagnose people with EUS (Extreme Ugliness Syndrome), especially female recruits.
I am not allowed to perform "aesthetic facial surgery."
I am not allowed to ask any mage to do it for me.
I am not allowed to scream "Darn! Foiled again!".
Ever.
I am not allowed to put whoopie-cushions in the seats if my superiors.
I am not allowed to be in the proximity of my superiors or their belongings ever again.
Not allowed to advise people to take up smoking on the grounds that "Tobacco's a herb, so it's practically medicine!"
If someone advises me to "Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!", I shall not actually put it in my pipe and smoke it.
The medicinal alcohol I can draw from the medical depot is plenty potent, and there is no need for me to make my own.
Shrapnel wounds do not count as "received in the line of duty" if they are the result of my "medicinal alcohol"-still exploding.
Rubbing alcohol is for medicinal use only, and is not to be consumed.
Lighting fluid is for professional use only, and is not to be consumed.
Not allowed to prescribe anyone, including self, medicinal alcohol for internal use.
"Could do with a stiff drink" is not a medical diagnosis.
Not permitted to call "positive thinking" a cure-all medicine for actual ailments and conditions.
Not permitted to substitute any sort of invented placebo for actual medical treatment.
Applying tiger balm to the insides of protective gear is not funny.
Not allowed to use the phrase "Dare you" around Norwegians. They will always do it.
Catnip is not allowed.
My proper military title is “Specialist Madsen” not “Princess Alexandra”.
Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
Not allowed to ask mages to perform black magic.
Not allowed to offer mages compensation for the same.
Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.
Not allowed to join the Trolls.
Not allowed to join any militia.
Not allowed to form any militia.
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson-like powers”.
God may not contradict any of my orders.
May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, or slime, even if I’m right.
Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are. Especially if it’s true.
Not allowed to wake a recruit by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
Sock puppets may not contradict any of my orders.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
Not allowed to eat cookies at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
Not allowed to eat cookies at formation even if I
did bring enough for everybody.
My title is “Specialist Madsen”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
I do not have super-powers.
Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
I am not the atheist chaplain.
I am not authorized to fire officers.
Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
“The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Madsen.
Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Sweden.
Swedes do not have only four toes on each foot, and I am not allowed to inform Finns that they do.
I am not allowed to perform "corrective surgery" to ensure that any Swede has only four toes on each foot.
I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
Not allowed to make any "Psychological Warfare" products depicting the Dalsnes incident.
Psychological Warfare is not a valid tactic against trolls.
Woad is not camouflage makeup.
May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
May not conduct medical experiments on my chain of command.
“Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is
not a cadence.
I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
May not form any press gangs.
Must not start any Situation Report with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”
Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” trolls, game, or livestock.
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
If the thought of something makes me smile, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
Nerve gas is not funny.
I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
The proper procedure while gassing a trolls nest is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
Troll nests are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new recruits that they are.
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.
I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, small children, or books.
Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and Swedish.
I am not authorized to change national policy.
I am not qualified to operate any Danish, Icelandic, Norwegian, or Swedish Armored vehicles.
I cannot trade my CO to the Trolls.
Burn pits for organic material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
I cannot arrest children for being rude.
I cannot arrest adults for being rude.
I am not authorized to perform arrests.
Tissue samples should not be stored in the barracks.
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Icelandic, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
The above goes doubly for superior officers.
Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
“No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that an IV is acceptable.
“Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.
Cats are not authorized to countermand any orders.
“I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used when confirming a diagnosis of a sensitive nature.
An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of an Icelandic uniform, messily drunk.
Even if my commander did it.
Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.
I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
I should not threaten suicide with army rations.
Putting candy into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all at once while in formation is not funny.
Must not send new recruits for the following items: a BT punch, a long wait, a left-handed screwdriver, a frogs-hair brush, striped paint, or summer air for the tires.
Must not pass out DOA (Dead on Arrival) forms to new recruits, then insist they be filled out.
Must not refer to new recruits as "Troll bait."
Must not refer to new recruits as "Fresh meat."
Must not refer to new recruits as "Human sacrifice."
Must not engage with new recruits.
The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Madsen, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”
Teaching Icelandic children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
The revolution is not now.
When detained, I do not have a right to a strip search.
No part of the military uniform is edible.
Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
Take that hat off.
I do not get “that time of month”.
No, the pants are not optional.
DNA samples obtained in the course of performance of duties are not for resale.
Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
Not allowed to “defect” to the trolls during training missions.
On training missions, try not to shoot the General’s horse.
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.
My name is not a killing word.
I am not the Emperor of anything.
I am not the Empress of anything.
Taunting Icelanders is not permitted.
Taunting Norwegians is not permitted.
Taunting Finns is not permitted.
Taunting Swedes is permitted, but only in moderation.
May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
It is inappropriate to challenge superiors to an "old-world duel."
It is inappropriate to challenge subordinates to an "old-world duel."
Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.
Must not use the crematorium as an oven.
The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.
I am not allowed to give tattoos.
I am not allowed to sing any song until verse 68 ever again.
Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
Must not valiantly push officers onto trolls to save the squad.
"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give a recruit.
Do not convince non-immune recruits that their razorbumps are an outbreak of rash.
Do not convince immune recruits that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
I am not allowed to preform an exorcism to repair a heating unit.
I am not allowed to request a mage to do the same.
I am not allowed to declare martial law.
I am not allowed to plant a Danish Flag on Swedish soil and claim that land for Denmark.
I am not allowed to order a class A cat.
I am not allowed to bypass written procedures to order a class A cat.
When clarifying why I ordered a class A cat, “to guard my cookies” is not a proper answer.
I am not allowed to mock a senior officer with baby talk.
I cannot declare my barracks a sovereign nation
I cannot request diplomatic immunity because my barracks are a sovereign nation.
I am not allowed to tape an officers hands together in order to prevent him from operating equipment, even if it is in the officer's best interests.
Using a flame thrower is not a permitted way to “one up” the guy that smacked me with a towel.
I am not allowed to yell, “Repel All Boarders” when my boss is trying to come aboard.
"Mother may I" is not the way to request permission for anything.
Saluting is not 'optional' when I am taller than the officer.
I am not allowed to make up my own names for equipment. Explosives are not “boomdy-booms”, a flamethrower is not a “portable dragon” and tanks are not “coffins”
I am not allowed to write my own names for equipment in the logs.
I am not allowed to settle a difference of opinion with my superior by arm wrestling.
I am not allowed to settle a difference of opinion with my superior by thumb wrestling.
I am not allowed the use the Engineer's wife as a navigational aide, no matter how big she is.
I am not allowed to form a labor union.
I am not allowed to use golf carts, cars, roller-blades or oxygen tanks during a 1.5 mile run in order to improve my time.
I am not allowed to revise the Uniform Code of Military Justice to suit my own personal needs
I am not allowed to blame poor performance on “Mental trauma received during the D-Day invasion at Normandy”
Personal intimate grooming cannot be used as an excuse for being late.
I am not allowed to use one curse word for every three regular words while giving training to recruits.
I am not allowed to give new recruits a detailed statistical analysis of how one of them will die within the next year.
I am also not allowed to form a betting pool on which one of the new crew it would be.
I cannot get a day off from work to attend my son’s game if I don’t actually have a son, or any child.
I am not allowed to have an allergic reaction to BS.
I am not allowed the be relieved from my watch station by “Casper the friendly ghost”.
I am not allowed to use the announcing system to voice my personal opinion about lunch.
I am not allow to skip while marching in formation.
I am not allowed to skip.
I am not allow to use the following statements while filling out evaluations for junior personnel:
“Can chug a beer in 3 seconds”
“Should be chemically castrated to protect the human gene pool”
“has hit rock bottom and started to dig”
“Has lowered all performance standards and continuously fails to meet them”
“Gets all the ladies”
“is a danger to himself and those around him”
“is smarter than anyone who will read this report. Just ask him, he will tell you so”
I am not allowed to put in a supply request ordering a new backbone for an officer.
I am not allowed to collect data for logs telepathically.
I am not allowed to request mages to do the same.
I am not allowed to go to sick call because I have a “morale deficiency”.
I am not allowed to conduct substance abuse prevention training while intoxicated.
I am not allowed to have my invisible friends stand my watch.
I am not allowed to learn technical information by osmosis.
I am not allowed to use classified materials to build paper airplanes.
I am not allowed to refuse an order because an officer didn’t ask nicely.
I am not allowed to give superior officers a time out.
I am not allowed to amend the posted plan of the day to include recess.
I am not allowed to turn a fully pressurized fire hose on a senior officer.
I am not deaf and shouldn’t pretend to be so when addressed by anyone senior to me.
I am not allowed to dare a Captain to assist in carrying heavy equipment, or anything else.
I am not allowed to, or offer to, “kiss it and make it feel better” as a medical procedure.
I am not allowed to substitute “nude” for the approved uniform in any situation.
I am not allowed to wake up any member of the crew with a fire extinguisher.
I am not allowed to use anti-contamination clothing as ski wear.
I am not allowed to write a prescription for “intelligence” for any Commanding Officer.
I am not allowed to refer to my chain of command as, “the forces of evil”.
I am not allowed to talk to any member of the media.
I am not allowed to wake up a new crew member, spending his first night on a mission, while dressed in full anti-contamination clothing and yelling, “Holy %$#@! We have a survivor!”.
I am not allowed to use the excuse “demonic possession” for anything
I am not allowed to ask mages to validate the same
I am not allowed to bleach the blue out of a Norwegian flag
Ghost stories are not allowed.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER is it permissible to put on a fish tail and flop around the deck screaming, "I'M A $@#&ING MERMAID!"
And then Tuuri finds, on the very last page, written in the same handwriting as the rest of the notebook: "New job. All of these no longer apply."
Edit: list to be updated as new things that Mikkel Madsen is not allowed to do are discovered.
