Things Mikkel Madsen is Not Allowed to Do:

[LooNEY_DAC]

I will not organize, participate in, or suggest a raffle for Admiral Olsen's beard braids.
...or the contents of any of the base's supply stores.

I will not sell places in a line for people to throw things at Admiral Olsen.
...or tickets to watch the participants do so.
I will hand over all funds already collected for this endeavor.

I will not sell places in a line for people to throw things at me...
...unless I intend to go through with it.
I am solely responsible for any altercations that occur amongst people jostling for a better place in said line.

[Grade E cat]

I will not send new recruits on snipe hunts in nearby Silent towns.
I will not send new recruits on snipe hunts in Silent countries.
Especially Reynir Árnason.
I'm not allowed near our honored guest from Switzerland.
I'm not allowed near our honored guest from Japan.
I'm not allowed near our honored guest from Madagascar.
I'm not allowed near our honored guest from Australia.
I'm not allowed near the descendants of the handful of people who were in Antartica when the Rash happened.

I will hand over all material concerning the webcomic "Replay".
I will stop calling Reynir "Ada".
Stefen is not a good rolemodel.
Trolls can't be killed more easily with Japanese katana.
Nevermind, our guest from Japan just confirmed that one is actually true.
The internal organs of trolls do no contain any hidden clues about their nature. I am to decontaminate those sheets myself.
If it's in a story set not that long after its own apocalypse, I am to assume that someone already tried it decades ago.

[Lazy8]

I will not shove snowballs down the back of my commanding officer's jacket.
I will not shove snowballs down the back of my subordinates' jackets.
I will not shove snowballs down the back of anyone's jacket.
Nor down the front of anyone's jacket.
Nor down anyone's pants, boots, or other articles of clothing.
I will not bring snowballs within arm's reach of any other person.
I will relinquish all snowballs currently in my possession, effective immediately.
I will not make more snowballs.

[Grade E cat]

I will not shove snowballs down the back of my commanding officer's jacket.
I will not shove snowballs down the back of my subordinates' jackets.
I will not shove snowballs down the back of anyone's jacket.
Nor down the front of anyone's jacket.
Nor down anyone's pants, boots, or other articles of clothing.
I will not bring snowballs within arm's reach of any other person.
I will relinquish all snowballs currently in my possession, effective immediately.
I will not make more snowballs.

And let's not forget the ultimate snowball-related trolling move:

I will explain where I found that large Old World freezer.
I will explain to any visitors to the base why there is now an official rule against throwing snowballs at people in summer.

(I literally taught myself to read in English with Calvin and Hobbes comics.)

[LooNEY_DAC]

I am not allowed to go around wearing a chicken on my head.
I am not a giant chicken poorly disguised as a human, nor are any of my colleagues.
...especially not Admiral Olsen.
I am not allowed to sing the "Chicken Boo" song.
...especially not when Admiral Olsen is in my immediate vicinity.

[LooNEY_DAC]

I am not allowed to use the terms "paper cut" and "multiple organ failure" in the same paragraph, to say nothing of the same sentence.
I am not allowed to mention circumcision, appendectomies, septicemia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, metastatic tumors, or waterboarding in the same paragraph as the term "paper cut".
I am not allowed under any circumstance or in any context to use the phrase "true story".
I am not allowed to tell stories, true or not.
...especially true stories.
...especially true stories about Admiral Olsen.

[Grade E cat]

My spatial awareness issues not entitle me to use echolocation.
Especially in a place that is called the Silent World for a good reason.
I should get glasses already.
I will not get any glasses before their design gets approved by my entire chain of command.
I am no longer allowed to start a debate on whether the slowness of the approval process or the average time I can keep a job are at fault in me not getting any glasses yet.

[wavewright62]

My attempts at using echolocation do not entitle me to call myself Batman.

[LooNEY_DAC]

I am not allowed to call a mage carrying a cat "The Mystic and the Mius".
I am not allowed to call a mage in a stable block "The Mystic in the Mews".
I am not allowed to call a mage surrounded by cows "The Mystic and the Moos".
I am not allowed to say that a mage surrounded by sheep is "having a baaaaa'ed day".
I am not allowed to send a mage into stables, a cowpen, a sheepfold, or anywhere else livestock are gathered.
...even if said mage is used to dealing with livestock.

[Grade E cat]

I am not allowed to make fake animal tracks, show them to a nearby mage, and claim I saw them appear out of nowhere.

EDIT: Couldn't resist, I've been wanting to tell that dumb joke for too long:
I am not allowed to call a running Reynir "fast food".

[hexdit]

I am not allowed to breed new kinds of trolls "just because I thought Troll Totoros would be cute"

[wavewright62]

I am not allowed to breed new kinds of trolls "just because I thought Troll Totoros would be cute"

I am not allowed to market these as Roombas.

[Hearth]

I am not allowed to spread unspecified rumors that there is “something fishy” about the dargrenning program

I am not allowed to tell anyone that the dargrenning program is part of an organization that is attempting to domesticate trolls as household pets and work animals through a selective multi-generational breeding program.

I am not allowed to advise recruits who are considering starting a family against using the dargrenning program

I am under no circumstances to “mention in passing” that the dargrenning program and its parent company has notoriously bad organization and record-keeping problems. Stories of accidental troll-human hybrids are particularly off limits. Especially if they involve Admiral Olsen.

I am not allowed to advise recruits who are in need of some quick cash to capture trolls alive and sell them. I am especially not allowed to use the phrase “the dargrenning company is always buying.”

I am not allowed to defend myself in court against the dargrenning program in a libel case by claiming that I was blackmailed by a rival company. I am not allowed to point to my commanding officer as being associated with said rival company. I am not allowed to jump from the stands screaming “it’s all a conspiracy!” in the insuring chaos.

I am not allowed to mention the dargrenning program in the context of conspiracies, troll-breeding, or otherwise malicious and inapplicable subjects ever, ever again, as required by law.

[Grade E cat]

I am not allowed to spread unspecified rumors that there is “something fishy” about the dargrenning program

I am not allowed to tell anyone that the dargrenning program is part of an organization that is attempting to domesticate trolls as household pets and work animals through a selective multi-generational breeding program.

I am not allowed to advise recruits who are considering starting a family against using the dargrenning program

I am under no circumstances to “mention in passing” that the dargrenning program and its parent company has notoriously bad organization and record-keeping problems. Stories of accidental troll-human hybrids are particularly off limits. Especially if they involve Admiral Olsen.

I am not allowed to advise recruits who are in need of some quick cash to capture trolls alive and sell them. I am especially not allowed to use the phrase “the dargrenning company is always buying.”

I am not allowed to defend myself in court against the dargrenning program in a libel case by claiming that I was blackmailed by a rival company. I am not allowed to point to my commanding officer as being associated with said rival company. I am not allowed to jump from the stands screaming “it’s all a conspiracy!” in the insuring chaos.

I am not allowed to mention the dargrenning program in the context of conspiracies, troll-breeding, or otherwise malicious and inapplicable subjects ever, ever again, as required by law.

Should I end up doing any of the above anyway, I should avoid doing it within earshot of people who already have family members born out of the dargrenning program.

I am not allowed to claim that the dargrenning program makes the embryos immune by adding cat genetic material to them, then promptly point in Lalli Hotakainen's general direction.

[JoB]

I am not allowed to market these as Roombas.

Nor for cosmetic purposes.

I am not allowed to claim that the dargrenning program makes the embryos immune by adding cat genetic material to them, then promptly point in Lalli Hotakainen's general direction.

I am not allowed to continue misspelling "dagrenning" as "dargrenning" to prevent people from finding any background information other than the one I planted beforehand.
I am not allowed to claim that it should be "dar..." so as "to better reflect the 'dark' and 'daring' aspects" I previously claimed them to have.
Also, I am not allowed to converse with Finnish scouts in cat-ese when others are within earshot.