Things Mikkel Madsen is Not Allowed to Do:

[LooNEY_DAC]

Neither asking nor answering "general" questions confers upon me the rank of general, and I am not allowed to behave as though it does.

[JoB]

Being tasked to care for the cat-tank's perimeter alert system does not make me "a master of fencing".
Dealing with the situation of a non-immune seiðkarl being out and about without a mask does not mean I'm "responsible for the filtering of all local runic magic".
Being posted on top of the cat-tank as the only one without a firearm doesn't mean I "retreated to the Feldherrenhügel with my bodyguards".

[wavewright62]

I may not use clods prised from the tank treads as 'special spice mix' in my Yule biscuits.
I may not use actual sand in my sandkakker.

[OwlsG0]

I may not use clods prised from the tank treads as 'special spice mix' in my Yule biscuits.
I may not use actual sand in my sandkakker.

I will stop hiding the British seasonal confectionery known as 'mince pies' around Admiral Olsen's office. I am well aware of his allergy to pastry-bread and will be considered responsible if the Admiral once again has to use his EpiPen.

[Grade E cat]

Here are my ideas. Warning: I'm equally okay with Emil and Lalli being friends or a couple and it shows in some of these

I am not allowed to make wanted posters for Emil Västerström's former private tutors claiming them to be high-end scammers.
Even if I know a Finnish skald that is more educated than him.
I am not allowed give Tuuri Hotakainen a fake pregnancy diagnosis based on her abdomen looking "more pronounced than usual"
Especially if any male friends of hers are in the room.
Even if I suspect that particular friend to be more interested in her male cousin.
Even if the incident revealed that the friend in question actually does not know how children happen.
I am not allowed to give the Talk to sheltered twenty year old Icelandic sheep herders anyone.
I am not habilitated to officiate weddings nor blood brother ceremonies.
Captain Eide may be habilitated for both, but they are still invalid if peformed while both parties are asleep.
Or if only one party is asleep.
"So, what are we all doing here ?" is a bad sign when spoken by a blood brother or groom to be.
Especially if the person speaking these words is not named Lalli Hotakainen.
Emil Västerström and Lalli Hotakainen shall not be pushed into a lifetime union of any kind until they speak each other's languages.
Six words does not count as speaking the language.
Even if three of them were "I love you".
Due to precedents in not understanding what is going on,  Lalli Hotakainen will be explained the concept of marriage.
In a language in which he actually speaks.
More than six words.
Even if I managed to make an explanation only using the six words in question.

[Ragnarok]

Here are my ideas. Warning: I'm equally okay with Emil and Lalli being friends or a couple and it shows in some of these

I am not allowed to make wanted posters for Emil Västerström's former private tutors claiming them to be high-end scammers.
Even if I know a Finnish skald that is more educated than him.
I am not allowed give Tuuri Hotakainen a fake pregnancy diagnosis based on her abdomen looking "more pronounced than usual"
Especially if any male friends of hers are in the room.
Even if I suspect that particular friend to be more interested in her male cousin.
Even if the incident revealed that the friend in question actually does not know how children happen.
I am not allowed to give the Talk to sheltered twenty year old Icelandic sheep herders anyone.
I am not habilitated to officiate weddings nor blood brother ceremonies.
Captain Eide may be habilitated for both, but they are still invalid if peformed while both parties are asleep.
Or if only one party is asleep.
"So, what are we all doing here ?" is a bad sign when spoken by a blood brother or groom to be.
Especially if the person speaking these words is not named Lalli Hotakainen.
Emil Västerström and Lalli Hotakainen shall not be pushed into a lifetime union of any kind until they speak each other's languages.
Six words does not count as speaking the language.
Even if three of them were "I love you".
Due to precedents in not understanding what is going on,  Lalli Hotakainen will be explained the concept of marriage.
In a language in which he actually speaks.
More than six words.
Even if I managed to make an explanation only using the six words in question.

*slow clap*

[Antillanka]

Here are my ideas....

*sobs in the corner* ... *or maybe is quiet snickering*

[Róisín]

Grade E Cat, that's wonderful!

[OwlsG0]

Here are my ideas. Warning: I'm equally okay with Emil and Lalli being friends or a couple and it shows in some of these

I am not allowed to make wanted posters for Emil Västerström's former private tutors claiming them to be high-end scammers.
Even if I know a Finnish skald that is more educated than him.
I am not allowed give Tuuri Hotakainen a fake pregnancy diagnosis based on her abdomen looking "more pronounced than usual"
Especially if any male friends of hers are in the room.
Even if I suspect that particular friend to be more interested in her male cousin.
Even if the incident revealed that the friend in question actually does not know how children happen.
I am not allowed to give the Talk to sheltered twenty year old Icelandic sheep herders anyone.
I am not habilitated to officiate weddings nor blood brother ceremonies.
Captain Eide may be habilitated for both, but they are still invalid if peformed while both parties are asleep.
Or if only one party is asleep.
"So, what are we all doing here ?" is a bad sign when spoken by a blood brother or groom to be.
Especially if the person speaking these words is not named Lalli Hotakainen.
Emil Västerström and Lalli Hotakainen shall not be pushed into a lifetime union of any kind until they speak each other's languages.
Six words does not count as speaking the language.
Even if three of them were "I love you".
Due to precedents in not understanding what is going on,  Lalli Hotakainen will be explained the concept of marriage.
In a language in which he actually speaks.
More than six words.
Even if I managed to make an explanation only using the six words in question.

I will stop changing Emil's surname on paperwork from 'Vasterstrom' to 'Hotakainen'
I will remove my 'shipping chart' from the living room, as it is both confusing and disturbing to everyone who observes it but me
If I refer to Sigrun as a 'waifu' one more time, the reprimand will be severe and injurious

[Buteo]

...
If I refer to Sigrun as a 'waifu' one more time, the reprimand will be severe and injurious

Ah, because someone will explain to Sigrun what it means, right? And then stand out of the way.... 

[Grade E cat]

I will stop changing Emil's surname on paperwork from 'Vasterstrom' to 'Hotakainen'

Love that one, wish I had thought of it myself

Just got inspired for a new one remembering some of the older posts about Admiral Olsen:
I will not tie Reynir Árnason's braid to a water pipe while he's asleep and claim I changed my mind about him being treated as a prisonner when he wakes up.
The fact that we returned from that particular expedition several months ago is not the only thing wrong with doing this.

[Solokov]

My doctor's bag will contain more than just a bonesaw and a bottle of whiskey.
I can't just keeping buy rounds of drinks until everybody passes out so I can rob them.
Not allowed to bet someone I can field strip a grenade faster than them.
....Even if the entire base's morale would be improved by that event.
Addendum to face cancer rulings: there is no such thing as beard cancer, and I am not allowed to even mention such a thing to new recruits.
I am no longer allowed to spread the rumor that cleansers make "carnage-angels" after a successful operation, we already have enough problems with them and I can't give them any new ideas.
Not allowed to force people suspected of being infected with the rash to watch "rocky Horror" on repeat, I am also to surrender all copies of this picture show in my possession to base authorities.
No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors, we have limited supplies of these because the cleansers have a knack for burning through them all.
Rash beasts don't fall for the fake ball trick more than once.
Soccer games using the tanks are strictly against danish army regulations.

[Grade E cat]

In honor of something that came up in the art museum a couple weeks ago:
I will not slip jägerdraught in Admiral Olsen's ale.
Even if it took two weeks for anyone to notice that he had mutated into a green-skinned, pointy-eared, tusk-bearing, loud and blood thirsty super-soldier.
I will not slip the substance in Captain Eide's drink either.
Even if it took a visit from Lalli Hotakainen one month later for someone to notice that there was "something weird" about her.
I will explain how I managed to even make jägerdraught.

Completely silly ones I had in mind but felt uncomfortable adding as a double-post:
I will stop changing Reynir's surname to Hotakainen on paperwork.
If I do, I'll have to specify which member of the family he's supposed to have ended up with.
"He hit it off with the ninety year old grandmother" is not the right answer to the shipping wars among the skalds.
I have no right to dissolve the Reynir/Lalli faction of shippers among the skalds.
Even if I was at Emil and Lalli's engagement party just a few days ago.

[OwlsG0]

I will stop changing Reynir's surname to Hotakainen on paperwork.
If I do, I'll have to specify which member of the family he's supposed to have ended up with.
"He hit it off with the ninety year old grandmother" is not the right answer to the shipping wars among the skalds.
I have no right to dissolve the Reynir/Lalli faction of shippers among the skalds.
Even if I was at Emil and Lalli's engagement party just a few days ago.

I will stop encouraging the skalds' frankly obsessive interest in the romantic lives of my colleagues
I will not incite another infamous incident like the Great Ship War of Y91, because it interrupts military schedules
I will stop pointing at Emil and Lalli when they are together and shouting 'OTP'

(unrelated batch)


When introducing my team to others, I will stop referring to us as the following
Reynir: the klutz
Sigrun: the muscle
Emil: the beauty
Lalli: the creeper
Tuuri: the jack-of-all-trades-kind-of-useless-but-also-indespensible
Myself: the brains

[Solokov]

Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel.

Fake eye spots on my helmets do not help intimidate the monsters, they're mutated murderbeasts from 90 years ago, anything I can come up with will not really intimidate them.

I am not allowed to do anything that would make a troll cry.

Not allowed to replicate anything I did that intimidated a troll or made them cry in polite company.

Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death.

Not allowed to requisition any animal in units of 100 or more.

If command has to ponder the ramifications of anything I requisition for more than a minute the answer is obviously no.

There is a limited amount of innuendo that can be fit into a mission briefing, my mission is in no way related to finding this limit.

I am to stop spreading the rumor that all there is to finland is the silent world, reindeer and sniper rifles despite what my trip with the Hotakainens to Finland proved or disproved.

Not allowed to do math in longhand format out of protest.

"Create a distraction" doesn't mean with trolls trained in ballroom dance.