The Forum's Scriptorium

[Róisín]

I know what you mean. Some feedback is better than none.

[wavewright62]

I've finally had a chance to read your chapter properly, Ran.  I like the intrigue this story promises, but I suggest spacing out the revelations and intrigue a bit more?  Setting up the worldbuilding and premise is great in a first chapter, then introduce more permutations as you go. 

Spoiler: specific items • show

Lelouce's feelings toward Nunally and Suzaku are well-placed in the first chapter.  The note showing knowledge of the dream should definitely go into a subsequent chapter.  CC/Marianne might want her own chapter? Geass being available elsewhere should be down the track, possibly after encountering it unexpectedly used against someone else.  Too many shocks to poor Lelouche right away.
Knowing nothing about Code Geass, there are elements probably known from that world.  Witch, for example, is a term used all over fiction stories, but no two definitions of their abilities and characteristics are the same.  So I don't know whether the name Marianne is meant to be kept secret, or what CC stands for.  Hence her thoughts might want their own chapter?
 

tl;dr - moooore pls

[RanVor]

I've finally had a chance to read your chapter properly, Ran.  I like the intrigue this story promises, but I suggest spacing out the revelations and intrigue a bit more?  Setting up the worldbuilding and premise is great in a first chapter, then introduce more permutations as you go. 

Spoiler: specific items • show

Lelouce's feelings toward Nunally and Suzaku are well-placed in the first chapter.  The note showing knowledge of the dream should definitely go into a subsequent chapter.  CC/Marianne might want her own chapter? Geass being available elsewhere should be down the track, possibly after encountering it unexpectedly used against someone else.  Too many shocks to poor Lelouche right away.
Knowing nothing about Code Geass, there are elements probably known from that world.  Witch, for example, is a term used all over fiction stories, but no two definitions of their abilities and characteristics are the same.  So I don't know whether the name Marianne is meant to be kept secret, or what CC stands for.  Hence her thoughts might want their own chapter?
 

tl;dr - moooore pls

I've just come home from an all-night-long Munchkin session and I really should go to sleep ASAP, but seeing as I've finally got some useful feedback, sleep is going to have to wait! I'll try to explain some of my reasons for doing things this way under a spoiler. Please, keep in mind that the story is primarily intended for Code Geass fans, who already have the necessary context.

Spoiler: explanations • show

Regarding the note, it is the absolute core of this chapter and cannot be moved anywhere else. It is the first of many and instrumental in setting up the story. Without it, the chapter would be about nothing.

Regarding Geass users, I wanted to showcase Lelouch's analytical mindset using information C.C. wouldn't care enough to conceal. It also might push him to make some unexpected decisions he didn't make in the original story, but maybe should have. So it can potentially work as a setup for that. Also foreshadows a minor, but important character that's going to appear later on.

Regarding C.C., she knows a lot more than she lets on and she's definitely going to get some focus in the future. In fact, the next chapter is going to be split between her and Suzaku. Also, nobody has any idea of what her name stands for, so don't expect to find out anytime soon.

Regarding Marianne, she's actually a different character than C.C. and her name is absolutely meant to be kept as secret as possible. I'll try to elaborate on that in the next chapter.

[Róisín]

Oh good, you are going on. As mentioned, I am unfamiliar with the source work, but it sounds interesting!

[Yastreb]

RanVor; keep it up. As I found out personally, honest feedback is the best way to learn and develop. I sent my completed manuscript of Earthfire, volume one of the Dragonhost Saga, to a friend whose opinion I trust, and she sent it back with strongly-worded comments about parts she found wanting. It improved the story greatly.

Speaking of feedback... on the Global Mythologies thread, I was detailiing the cosmology of the Dragonhost Saga (which at the start takes a lot from Slavic myth and legend) and mentioned that the major character's homeland is Tunguska; Maglor pointed out that Tunguska is Turkic rather than Russian. That started me thinking, and I decided to change that name to Gevarna, from the Russian for haven. That also makes sense in the context of the story, as the inhabitants came there seeking a home away from the devastation of a worldwide disaster.

[Jitter]

Ran, I have also finally read. It’s intriguing! It’s hard to know, when I am also completely unfamiliar with Code Geass, but calling C.C a “witch” here works for me. For me, the referral to “Marianne” also flows well. Are the sections in italics from the source material?

As I said, it’s hard to understand with no context, but I happen to like fiction like that, which just drops you in the middle of something and you figure it out yourself. So, while I probably didn’t understand all of it, I did get enough to get interested!

Oh and I especially enjoyed “he would eat breakfast, go to school, command the terrorists and...” As you do Very subtly humorous and it works!

[RanVor]

RanVor; keep it up. As I found out personally, honest feedback is the best way to learn and develop. I sent my completed manuscript of Earthfire, volume one of the Dragonhost Saga, to a friend whose opinion I trust, and she sent it back with strongly-worded comments about parts she found wanting. It improved the story greatly.

Well, I definitely didn't get as much of that as I hoped. It doesn't matter that much in this case as I'm really satisfied with this chapter, but the next (which is being worked on I swear it's true) is much trickier for me to write and I have to concentrate on getting it done first and foremost, so more pointers would be welcome. I guess I'll have to be more insistent next time. 

Ran, I have also finally read. It’s intriguing! It’s hard to know, when I am also completely unfamiliar with Code Geass, but calling C.C a “witch” here works for me. For me, the referral to “Marianne” also flows well. Are the sections in italics from the source material?

As I said, it’s hard to understand with no context, but I happen to like fiction like that, which just drops you in the middle of something and you figure it out yourself. So, while I probably didn’t understand all of it, I did get enough to get interested!

Oh and I especially enjoyed “he would eat breakfast, go to school, command the terrorists and...” As you do Very subtly humorous and it works!

Spoiler: more explanations • show

Regarding C.C. being a witch, well, she isn't in the literal sense, but that's what she calls herself in canon, so it's there. And it's only appropriate, really. She might not have any magic, but she's definitely supernatural.

At least in this and the next chapter, the italic sections (with the exception of the notes) are literally scenes from the anime transcribed by myself. Although I may have gone a bit more in-depth with the thoughts and emotions of the characters in those scenes than the show did. You can think of it as my interpretation of what happened.

As for the last bit, well, I didn't really intend that to be funny, but I guess I'm glad it worked out that way. 

[Jitter]

Ran, calling it “funny” is perhaps a bit much, darkly humorous maybe!

I gathered C.C. isn’t exactly a witch but it seems to suit the character.

[Groupoid]

Yesterday I got struck by inspiration, which made writing like solving a crosswords puzzle. i.e. very fun. You get to enjoy this piece thanks to a certain R.K. who encouraged me to publish it.
Edit: Warning for strong emotions ahead & verbal violence. The work is very much non-fluff, but I don’t think other warnings apply.

Spoiler: Do remember • show

Do remember all the time:
You as human are not fine!

Be in just the way I tell you,
Think of people all around you,
Never step on any toes,
Nowhere should you stick your nose.

Hear me talk about my work,
Listen or you are a jerk.
We expect you of this form,
Never leave the path or norm!

Do what you are told to do,
Or no one will marry you.
Always will you be rejected,
Never shall you feel accepted.

You are different in some ways,
Hide them well inside a maze,
Never shall we notice them,
Even if you go plem-plem.

When and if we are concerned,
We just want it be adjourned,
For ourselves it threatens hell,
If you don’t conform as well.

Do remember all the time:
You as human are not fine!

Spoiler: Author’s notes • show

I got used to getting the above feelings from some people and made the (horribly false) generalisation that all/most people act like that. That’s a big piece of "my issues" that I could recognize in the last few days. But saying that the text portrays exactly what happened would be too strong an accusation as well, but it isn’t exactly wrong either... Well, it’s art.

You may interchange "I" and "we" as you like. I consider it finished for now, but might change it a little. It was very easy to improvise music about this text, mostly to the (obvious, regarding the meter) rhythm of (𝅘𝅥𝅮  . 𝅘𝅥𝅯   𝅘𝅥𝅮. . 𝅘𝅥𝅯   𝅘𝅥𝅮  . 𝅘𝅥𝅯   𝅘𝅥  ). (I’m not sure whether the rhythm renders well...) It could make a fine song, I think (but probably adjusting some things...).

[LooNEY_DAC]

I looked over RanVor's chapter and PMd him.

Also, I put a couple of extremely brief bits up:
Light
Dark

[Róisín]

I was looking for something else among my old work and came across this poem. At the moment we are still afflicted by drought, and I found this a pleasing thought:

RAIN ON THE ROOF

Close your eyes and hear it whisper
Slipping down the windowpane.
Stifling air turns colder, crisper.
Listen to the falling rain.

Harder still the rain is beating
Lays the dust and cools the sky.
Now: Hooray, it's started sleeting!
Weather bureau can't tell why.

On the roof the rain like thunder
Hammers on the rattling tin.
Lightning splits the sky asunder
Gaping like some stormgod's grin.

Let us raise a shout together
Cheer the sound that keeps us sane
In our baking desert weather:
On the tin roof hear the rain!

[midwestmutt]

Lovely. Really sets a scene.

[Maglor]

Hammers on the rattling tin.
Lightning splits the sky asunder

I love the alliteration here)

[Róisín]

Thank you both! I like both endrhymes and alliteration. I can write free verse, but I enjoy having internal rhymes even in that.

[Keep Looking]

Róisín, I love this poem! The rhythm is really nice, and also just the sound of the whole thing - both the way it physically sounds, and how it paints a picture.