Author Topic: The Forum's Scriptorium  (Read 110741 times)

Buteo

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #435 on: March 10, 2021, 12:36:53 AM »
Róisín, I think the weather here likes your poem - it started raining as I was reading it. (No sleet, fortunately; some of our plants wouldn't survive that.)

Yastreb

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #436 on: April 09, 2021, 10:18:51 AM »
While I was at Róisín's, I sat down with the local writer's group, who meet fortnightly and do challenges. I thought I'd take part in this one, and chose from the list the topic "Letter to a Government Minister." Talking a slightly liberal interpretation, I based this in the universe of my Dragonhost Saga, which begins in a world long after a global catastrophe caused by an... unwise experiment. What follows is that world's equivalent of Einstein's letter to President Roosevelt.

***

THE WARNING

***

To their Imperial Majesties Galeron Uvrann and Juille Kaldrenor
To the High Masters of the Orichalcum Tower
To the High Masters of the Tower of Swords

I submit this final appeal to the highest authorities of Zantria in the hope that reason will prevail.

The One Land Concept has received the final approval of the Orichalcum Tower, the Tower of Swords, and the Obsidian Throne. As of this writing, preparations are being made to initiate the final process within the next fifteen days.

I would admit that the Concept itself is laudable, upon first reading. To unite the known world with the Leypath network would seem to be the most praiseworthy of endeavours. But to achieve this dream, the Concept's creators have decided to harness methods that are fraught with danger.

I would draw the attention of Your Worthinesses to the work of Kasara Taniya in formulating the Aetherworld Doctrine, especially the conclusions in Codex Four: To breach the boundaries of reality and in so doing interfering with the flow of events in alternate worlds would be both morally wrong and potentially dangerous to an incalculable degree.

The Concept's creators have chosen to flout that warning. To bring about their dream of a global leypath network, they intend to draw upon the Life Force not just of this world but of other realities, and are willing to risk all to complete their work.

The One Land Concept must not proceed.

Should it proceed, I predict that the result will be calamity, and not merely confined to the shores of Zantria. I believe that the entire world will suffer from the corruption of the Life Force.

Should this warning go unheeded, I will take my own measures to protect Zantria, and to shield its Life Force from the destruction and corruption that threatens us all.

Let the Wisdom of the Dragon guide you in this matter.

Respectfully submitted
Syrivaln Anzarmal of the Orichalcum Tower
« Last Edit: August 25, 2022, 09:24:20 AM by Yastreb »
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Róisín

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #437 on: April 09, 2021, 11:35:35 AM »
I like how you fitted this so neatly into the overall pattern of the tale! I should put my challenge piece up too, even if it was nowhere near such a literary piece! 
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Groupoid

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #438 on: May 06, 2021, 03:41:58 AM »
I’d like to share the following piece, but am not sure whether it should go here since it’s in German.
Spoiler: show

Dass die Töne zu dir dringen,
von nie gekannter Heiterkeit,
soll die Welt sie zu dir bringen,
in unverstandner Einfachheit.

Diese, die mir so viel sagen,
diese, die mich ständig jagen,
manche, die ich klar bemerken kann,
hör’ sie, irgendeinmal, irgendwann.

Da mein Leib mein einz’ger ist,
will mich nicht verloren geben.
Aber werden soll die Welt,
so dass sie mir mehr gefällt.

A hasty translation to English
Spoiler: show

May the sounds get to you,
of unknown happiness,
that the world may get them to you,
in never-understood simplicity.

These, which say so much to me,
these, which always hunt me,
some, which I can notice clearly,
hear them, one day, sometime.

Since my body is my only one,
I don’t want to say “I’m lost”.
Instead the world shall become,
more pleasant for me.
(I mean: I want to change the world to make it more pleasant for me, but didn’t state it that way explicitly)
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Keep Looking

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #439 on: May 06, 2021, 05:03:12 AM »
Groupoid, this poem is lovely! There isn't an established thread for poetry in non-english languages, so I think posting your poem here is fine!

I don't speak German, but reading the poem in German (and trying my best to approximate how things sound) I could really see (hear?) the rhyme and rhythm you've put through the poem. And the meaning is absolutely beautiful.
I write poetry sometimes.

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #440 on: May 06, 2021, 05:44:28 AM »
Groupoid, pretty much what Keep Looking said. I can read a bit of German rather than speak it, but know enough to follow the pattern of the poem. Lovely!
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Groupoid

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #441 on: May 06, 2021, 03:51:42 PM »
Now that I read it again after reading your comments, I see that I covered the topic I had in mind sufficiently, that its practically impossible to guess it. Now it reads like a love poem or somesuch, and really not what I had in mind when I wrote it some months ago. But I'll take that as well.
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Lallicat

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #442 on: May 17, 2021, 06:17:51 PM »
So I've been writing a story, which isn't unusual for me. But unlike all the others, I didn't drop this one within a few weeks. I've been working on it since January and I've been writing fairly consistently. The progress I've made from then to now in my writing is incredible! I've gotten so much better since then, and wanted to show the difference. This is the first section from the first time I wrote it and what it looks like now that I've finished rewriting it. And if anyone has feedback I would love that, I can always improve.

Spoiler: original section • show
     Lark was not a morning person. They worked best at night, when the world was at a standstill and no one was awake to bother them. They almost never got up before noon, and if they did, they had to consume a metric ton of coffee to function properly. Everyone in the neighborhood knew not to bother Lark in the morning. Unfortunately, the palace messengers did not. The sun had been only up for a couple hours, when one of the Queen’s messengers brightly knocked on Lark’s door, holding the royal summons in her hand. She waited politely, but the house was deathly silent. She knocked again, a little louder this time. There was a crash. Some sounds of footsteps, then, nothing.
   “I have a message for Mx. Lark Craft!” The messenger called out.
        “I’m coming, I’m coming! Don’t get your hair in a knot!” a muffled voice called out. There were shuffling sounds, another crash. The lock turned and the door was opened with a huff, revealing Lark, looking very annoyed. They had a serious case of bedhead, and their clothes were crumpled and wrinkled, as if they had fallen asleep in them. There was an inkstain on their cheek, and a pair of glasses sat crookedly on their nose. “You wanted to see me, yes?” they asked in a clipped voice. To her credit, the messenger didn’t comment on their appearance; she simply read the message.
     “The Queen has summoned you. She wishes to discuss one of your latest inventions, the Skeleton Ship. Please report to the palace at noon in two days’ time. Make sure you bring the message, as that is your entrance ticket.” Lark blinked a couple times.
     “Right. Thanks.” They grabbed the message and started to close the door, then paused. ”I’ll be there,” they told the messenger with a nod. The door shut with a click. The messenger took the hint, and returned to the palace.


Spoiler: rewritten section • show
     The first sun’s rays peek over the horizon, slowly stretching across the land, warming the ground and waking the sleeping. Drowsy eyes blink and limbs stretch as every living thing starts their day. Some pull the blankets over their heads to enjoy a few more minutes of rest, while others sleepily walk outside, and enjoy the half-twilight before the second sun’s rising ushers in the beginning of the new day. Slumped over their desk, clothes wrinkled and glasses smudged, Lark Craft wakes up with the rest of the world. Rubbing the sleep out of their eyes, they look down at the blueprints on which they had been working and sigh. They give it one last longing glance, then turn and get ready. They owned one of the most popular shops in Leylock, repairing broken automatons and any gadgets their clients brought in. Their favorite type of client, however, was the ones who wanted modifications or customizations. Those were the requests that let Lark make something new, instead of fixing something that someone else had made. But as their shop exploded in popularity, there became less and less time for them to work on their own projects. Their days became filled with repair after repair, often spilling into the night. They stood up late every day, trying to catch just a few minutes to work on their project. They weren’t sleeping well and it was starting to show in their work. Their eyes catch their reflection in the window, and they sigh once more, dragging their fingers through their hair. They really don’t want to work today. Nevertheless, they make their way to the front of the shop to flip the sign to open. Straightening out their attire, they walk over to the kitchen to make themself a cup of tepsa. While they really should be tending to the shop, the bell on the door would alert them about any customers, and no one came in this early anyway. They sipped the drink slowly, letting its invigorating properties take effect. They could barely function in the morning without it. They slowly sip the bitter beverage, absolutely miserable as they hear the bell ring.
     “Oi! Lark!” A high-pitched voice rang through the store, making Lark choke on their tepsa. “Where ya at little sib?”
     “Andy?” they managed to sputter.


Something I've realized is that I can't rush the flow of events. It's really important to set up the story, and show the characters and the world they live in without rushing into the action immediately. That has helped me pace my writing much better and I think gives is a better flow overall.
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catbirds

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #443 on: May 17, 2021, 11:23:45 PM »
Lallicat, I'm no expert at writing, but I like the depth of the description in the rewritten section! It's less active, but it's good! Better paced? I think you did well in taking your time to tell people about the world. It seems to describe a totally different scene, though, so I'm curious about what the rest of the story will be like.

Though there are times when you might not need long descriptions. I've used single words as paragraphs before, and there are times when the best choice is to just have alternating dialogue. I think you're a pretty good judge for that, considering you've written more than I have at this point... probably.

I also like that you started your story off with a much more everyday or "normal" scene, so the reader knows that whatever lies beyond will probably uproot the protagonist from their comfort zone.

I think the one real critique I have of it is that the first paragraph has very repetitive sentence structures, which gets a bit boring to read. A lot of the sentences start with a pronoun. Maybe changing up the way you describe it would be nice, like adding a sentence describing the tepsa in between two of the sentences towards the end or something. In this particular paragraph, it should be okay because it is one of those heavily descriptive parts. More sentences describing things in general would be a nice final touch here :)

I hope this makes sense? Take your time writing it!
« Last Edit: May 18, 2021, 12:21:21 AM by catbirds »

Songbird

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #444 on: May 18, 2021, 11:53:21 AM »
Lallicat Automatons? You got my attention here.

My critique should be prefaced with the obligatory disclaimer about my lack of experience in writing and how that may invariably lead me to approach a few things in a less objective and more taste-based way. Regard and disregard it appropriately. ;D

I like the structural (but not narrative) pacing of the original version better and the substance of the rewritten one. Taking a closer look at both may be helpful so that's what I'm doing if you don't mind.

Original
I like the active writing in the original version, it flows better and offers more opportunities to catch one's breath. The issues I had with it is its low density of information and the recursive writing. You're onto something when you talk about setting up the character and world. The original barely establishes anything except about them not being a morning person. The first few sentences lay it down with dash of humor I enjoyed, but effect was lost when the next sentences and actions kept describing Lark's un-morningness in different manners, missing opportunities to advance the setup or scene in a new direction, burning a mental image of a clumsy and potentially grumpy person instead.

I also felt a bit offended at being unceremoniously shoved out of the house, that's no proper way of treating your guests! :'D The first sentences offer a pretty close 3rd person POV look at Lark before taking a turn that locks you out of their house. Most books switch between POVs sparingly, and that's not to say it can't be done in a same scene, it's just that it's good to be careful and purposeful about it (eg Dune). Because that paragraph was in the still establishing the character obscuring them halfway works against it. There wasn't anything to get hold of before the switch, and if overused this device becomes frustrating as it can feel as deliberately withholding information from the reader to maintain tension. That's dangerous because it can erode reader's trust; be careful to not do it lightly or by accident nor before you had the opportunity to earn it.

Rewritten
I like what I saw of the world and character in the rewritten version. Both sound much less generic, presenting an idea that captures interest in the long run. I want to know more about Lark and the sort of world that has automatons—ot just automatons but so many in need of repair they keep a mechanic (?) up at night!

Like catbirds I had issues with the pacing and passive voice; this is a large chunk of information delivered in a too still manner.

At the risk of being too prescriptive it'd work better for me if the information was sprinkled in different sections as it became relevant or came into focus (eg empty cups of tepsa scattered in the kitchen making the person at the door raise their eyebrows, offering hooks to establish Lark is a bit disorganized and messy and very short exchange about being up at night to deal with the volume of work, introducing us to these characters voices and personalities at the same time). Sentences that can establish multiple things at once are worth their weight in gold. If you can rely information in active scenes like character exchanges it's even better.

Being descriptive is not bad, mind you, but my suggestion is to look at how the authors you love do it. How they make it work, why? What do you like about them, is it the voice, the rhythm, what?  It's possible, for example, to give a distinct voice to the narrator and turn the location in a character of its own right like Scott Lynch does in his Lies of Locke Lamora. It's works wonderfully as the writing is kept dynamic and the sarcasm ticks a lot of personal preference boxes for me. It works in that case because at times the narrator actively and humorously critiques the setting as they describe it, and what would be an otherwise dark place gets an infusion of humor to lighten it. The narrator voice sides with the reader, anticipating their reactions at times and while it makes the narrator—which is not a character but in 3rd person if I recall it correctly—slightly unreliable it also makes it active. It compliments the story in a manner I look forward to infodumps, which is so weird! Finding the sort of voice that compliments your setting and type of story greatly helps with the descriptive parts.


That's it. I hope it helps and great work in sticking with the story and exploring writing structures!

Yastreb

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #445 on: May 19, 2021, 05:20:47 AM »
I had the idea of rendering a scene in Earthfire, the first of my Dragonhost Saga tetralogy, in the style of a story-teller. So...

SIR LAZAR AND THE VEELA'S SON

On a day one month before the crowning of King Vaslav, First of His Name, a Free Company accepted two new recruits into its ranks. One was a veteran crossbowman, and the other a young archer, and they were sworn brothers, by their own words.
The young archer, who gave his name as Yastreb, drew attention from his new comrades, for he was a beardless boy, though skilled with the bow, and his manners were almost those of one of gentle blood. Too, he bore a longbow of black yew, like those of the archers of Caillor, and on his belt he wore a good sword. And on his cheek was a large and livid scar, a sure sign of combat faced and survived. Was he truly of humble birth, cast out into the world to make his own way and befriended by the old warrior, as he said? So his comrades wondered.
Others in the company, especially among the spearmen, wove their own fancies about Yastreb, and some came to believe that he was in fact a woman who, disfigured and shunned, had decided to take the warrior's path. Still others said that he was more likely the illegitimate son of a noble family, unrecognised yet not wholly spurned, as his good accoutrements and attentive guardian testified.
But in time the truth became known, and whispered from one to another. that Yastreb was indeed the illegitimate son of a noble, but more than that; his mother was a Veela. They pointed to his lack of a beard, and the bow that he bore, for were such bows not the favoured weapons of the Veelas everywhere?

And so it was that the Free Company took its rest in a village to drill and buy provisions, and into that village rode Sir Lazar Azurok and his retinue.
Now Sir Lazar was a vassal of Baron Urosh Dulbrenok, a knight of little wealth who sought deeds of arms that might bring him honourable advancement, and he was making his way to his Lord in expectation of imminent war, as many believed that Sir Drago Voyinok would soon make war on Duke Vukor Branvok and the Ownership.
But on this day Sir Lazar was seeking diversion, and his eyes lit upon a young maiden of the village, and he commanded his men-at-arms to bring the maiden to him at the inn. At this a village youth rushed to defend the maiden, for he was her swain, but a warrior struck him senseless, and Sir Lazar said to his sergeant, "Kill that one!"
And in the next moment, before a blow could be struck, the youth Yastreb stepped forth, arrow notched and bow drawn to ear, and cried out, "If he dies, then you die also!"
Sir Lazar was astonished, and shouted wrathfully, "Know you who you would threaten, varlet?"
But Yastreb cried out again, "If he dies, then you die also!" and Sir Lazar cursed his fate and told his men-at-arms to stand back as the maiden and her sweetheart fled.
Now at this Sir Lazar spoke in wrath, "I am Sir Lazar Azurok, and I do not wish to hear your name! How brave you are, with all your comrades at your back! Let us meet in challenge between staves, and no quarter asked or granted!"
There are those who wonder if Sir Lazar knew Yastreb's origins, for as all know, it is the custom for one of gentle blood and coat-armour to only issue such a challenge to one of his own class. Others believe that he simply wished to dishonour the youth with a slow and lingering death in such a combat, and there is reason to believe this, as you will see.
Yastreb accepted the challenge, and the staves were placed.
Sir Lazar and Yastreb came to handstrokes, and it was soon plain to all that Sir Lazar outmatched Yastreb in skill. In just moments Sir Lazar struck Yastreb three times, wounding him in the thigh, the shoulder and the chest, and deflected Yastreb's attacks with ease. Indeed, it was as if the knight was toying with his opponent, as a cat plays with a mouse.
Then Sir Lazar swung hard, as if to cleave Yastreb in twain, and the blow did not land, but the youth's sword was shivered and he received a wound to the head that left him lying in the dust. He managed to rise and draw out his dagger, to meet his fate with weapon in hand.
At that, Sir Lazar shouted, "His blood is mine!" and stepped forward, whether to continue the slow shaming or deliver the killing blow no-one can say.
For in that moment, the Veela blood in Yastreb's veins boiled in wrath.
To the astonishment of all, he struck with the dagger, with blinding speed, and sent the blade into Sir Lazar's heart.
And Sir Lazar fell slain, and Yastreb knelt weeping by his corpse.

Sir Lazar's men-at-arms took away his corpse, and the Free Company remained, but the Captain realised that with their duty taking them through Baron Dulbrenok's lands, it would not be safe for Yastreb to remain with them. Told of this, Yastreb's companion said, "Where he goes, I go. My oaths to him come before all others."
And when the Free Company had marched away, the maiden came to Yastreb, to bless him in the name of The Saviours. He did not speak, but bowed to her, in all humility, and with his companion walked from the village.
And whither they went, no-one can say.

So ends this tale, as all things end.

« Last Edit: May 19, 2021, 07:33:59 AM by Yastreb »
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Róisín

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #446 on: May 19, 2021, 07:02:21 AM »
Nice use of the storyteller’s style, Yastreb! Well done. And a good story!

Edit: the language usage, since I assume you are going for a Middle English effect:
you ‘cleave’ something in twain (present tense), but the past tense is that something is ‘cleft’ in twain. And it might be interesting to try telling that as a story, I will have to try telling it next time you are over here.

Tomorrow is library writers group, and our assignment for this time is ‘create an original character’. I will be curious to see what they make of mine, since I plan to use Warri from some of my fanfic stories. I am still attempting to introduce them to the whole concept of fanfic, it is fun.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2021, 07:15:50 AM by Róisín »
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Alkia

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #447 on: June 04, 2021, 07:59:47 PM »
Hullo! I wrote a little poem today, recorded it, and thought I'd share (also relevant because it has trolls in it):

video link (on imgur) because I'm not sure the forum allows video uploads/I don't know how to upload videos on here: https://imgur.com/mFE1ULp



It's about my favorite aesthetic, goblincore, and I guess I just kept coming up with fun rhymes and trying to slot them in until ta-daa! I got this!! I'm not a practiced poet at all so it's a bit awkward (that was my first time recording too hah) and I do apologize for the poor audio quality, but overall I'm very excited about this. I'm PLANNING on turning it into a song (we'll see how motivation goes :D), so I'll keep you all updated on that

« Last Edit: June 04, 2021, 08:02:02 PM by Alkia »
Knows:🇬🇧🇩🇪
Learning:🇳🇴, 🇨🇳
Wants to learn:🇨🇮(Gaelic), 🇫🇷

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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #448 on: June 05, 2021, 02:12:06 AM »
It's a fun poem, and listening to you read it really added to the experience. Good luck with making a song of it, if that happens!
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Re: The Forum's Scriptorium
« Reply #449 on: June 10, 2021, 07:04:25 AM »
The subject of this short story came up in another conversation on the Forum, and I was reminded of something I wrote for the library writers group back in 2019. I was playing with the theme of dragon and maiden, was reminded of a satirical ballad, and came up with this small piece of nonsense:

HOW THE DRAGON SAVED THE PRINCESS
ASSIGNMENT FOR 27 JUNE 2019

We are all storytellers here. So I expect that we are all familiar with that vast body of hero-tales, poetry, songs and folklore to which Sir Thomas Malory refers as ‘The Matter of Britain’. This story is not part of that canon. It is, indeed, a piece purely of my own invention, in which I am perhaps amusing myself a little at the expense of the oh-so-noble Sir Eglamour.

I’m sure all present have at least heard of that valiant knight, even if they do not know all of his story. I am not going to recite it for you. The tale is long and pompous, rather like the knight himself, and I refuse to go through the refrain of ‘fah, lah, lah fah, fah lah lah lankyedowndilly’ for as many times as his epic requires. I think it will be far more interesting to take a peek behind the scenes.

Perhaps you have also heard the story of how the fatherless boy Emrys became the Merlin of Britain? Trust me, the two tales are connected. By dragons. My own theory is that the dragon is the totemic creature of the Island of Britain, patron and guardian and most powerful landspirit. Never mind all this modern nonsense about lions and unicorns……revisionist twaddle, I call it.

However, when that stuffy fool Eglamour decided to slay a dragon, he made one very basic mistake…..he misgendered the dragon. You can see it in the ballad, right from the lines ‘There leaped a dragon from out of his den’ and ‘But when he saw Sir Eglamour, oh that you had but heard him roar’. Anyone who knows anything about dragons could tell you that all the really big,  dangerous dragons are old, clever females. It is only the males who roar, while spreading their wings and mantling their crests in a ridiculous threat display. They are too timid to leap out at anything much bigger than a lapdog, little say leap out at an armoured knight on his armoured warhorse.

A female dragon, if she acknowledges the presence of a human at all, is more likely to speak. Or if she is very annoyed, to hiss. Since the hiss is often the prelude to a wave of fire and acid, that is not a sound one wants to hear!

The reason that Eglamour took it upon himself to play at dragonslaying was a silly one: he wanted to marry the local princess. She was far above him in name and fame, but he had convinced himself that if only he could impress her sufficiently with his dragon-slaying machismo, she would fall into his arms with glad cries of “My hero!” and they would live happily ever after. It was not to be.

When Eglamour reached the mountain where the dragon had her cave, he was appalled to see the princess sitting on a rock outside the cave, happily singing and playing her smallharp. She was a cultured woman with a singularly beautiful voice, and Eglamour was transfixed by her loveliness. Then, without any thought of courtesy, he sprang forward and clasped her to his breast. Her harp lay smashed on the ground under his feet, and that infuriated her even more than did his passionate and very bristly kisses. He obviously intended marriage by capture. She screamed at the top of her expressive and highly trained voice, and help came.

“Unhand my student!” hissed the furious dragon. “You savage! You will destroy her glorious voice as you have smashed her instrument! Die, you brute!” A single claw slid into Eglamour’s heart.
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