Bad jokes thread

[Róisín]

I read that one to Star, who thought it was funny. He likes a good pun.

[Lee M]

Here's one from Tim Vine, that great purveyor of bad jokes:
A fella once asked me, "Should we be allowed to own land on the Moon?" I said, "It's a grey area."

To which I might add, nobody will ever inherit the Moon, because there's no air apparent.

[Yastreb]

Over the years I accumulated a list of things said at work that... could have been better phrased.

“Don’t abuse yourself, that’s our job.”
“Draw a line in the sand, and if that doesn’t work, you pull the plug.”
“Give her enough rope, and she’ll dig herself a deeper and deeper hole.”
“I saw a thunderstorm walking home last night.”
“I’m not raising my head above the radar unless I have to.”
“If he pulls it off, maybe he can swing it.”
“It was a slow news day, so they brought out that old chestnut and gave it a run.”
“The fourth of Saturday is a March.”
“There’s no light at the end of the rainbow.”
“This tickle in the throat’s a pain in the bum.”

[Yastreb]

Some more titles with just one letter added, subtracted, or changed...

Nicholas Monserrat's classic tale of retail tragedy... The Shop That Died Of Shame
Don't trust a man with iron thews and a big sword, he might be... Conman The Barbarian
Bankruptcies abound wherever he goes... The Ruining Man

[Yastreb]

A young boy was eagerly looking forward to a visit from his uncle Alf, but his hopes were dashed when his father told him that Uncle Alf was going to Wimbledon instead!
"But why?" the boy sobbed.
His father shrugged. "Alfred lauds tennis, son!"

[dmeck7755]

[Yastreb]

What the young lad didn't know was that Uncle Alf actually officiated at Wimbledon, and wasn't liked because of his foul temper and bad attitude generally. One day he took his little son to the tennis and at the end of the match lifted the boy on to his lap, but the boy started crying and then ran away.
Why? Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire.

[dmeck7755]

There was a farmer who lived on a potato farm, and one day he needed to till the soil to plant more potatoes. He was old and tired and couldn't do the whole thing himself, and his son was in jail, so he couldn't get it done. He wrote a letter to his son, saying that he needs the farm dug up to plant more potatoes, and that his problems would be over if he was there. His son sends a letter back, "don't dig up the farm, that's where I buried the bodies!". Soon the police swarmed and dug up the entire farm, but found nothing. After they left, he received another letter, "that's the best I can do for you from here, you can plant the farm now"

[Yastreb]

Here's the history of Munich, as confusingly rendered by Babelfish...

1158 - The place name was led back an upright standing monk with benediction hand and gebetbuch already in the Middle Ages to "munich/muenich", thus "monk", why the first delivered city seal (1239) already shows a monk head with zipfelmuetze, starting from 1304. Like that it is today common as stadtwappen and city seals still in representative form. ...
1180 - Pfalzgraf petrol from the house Wittelsbach becomes duke of Bavaria. It begins the government of this sex persisting to 1918 as dukes, cure prince and kings of Bavaria. ...
1481 - So far also still with several buildings, among other things a chapel, market place cultivated from this is released and becomes only now the rectangular free space as which it today presents itself.

[Grade E cat]

I love singing "The lion sleeps tonight". Sometimes the impulse to do it is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

My brain seems to have latched onto Hamilton songs out of nowhere. You know what, I've been working non-stop for about two hours. I'm going take a break, I'll be right back.

[Yastreb]

As much as I love puns, howlers and comical ambiguities come a close second in making me laugh. I recall back in my childhood reading the novels by Anthony Buckeridge about the misadventures of schoolboys Jennings and Derbyshire. In one of them the boys are writing a story about super-sleuth "Flixton Slick"; it includes these passages...

"The crowd cheered as the aeroplane soared overheard and waved handkerchiefs."
"The Shadow grabbed up a revolver and fired three times. Crack! Crack! Crack! Two constables fell dead and the third whistled through his hat."

Then there was a running gag about the sign above the village store: "Chas H Lumley Home-made cakes and bicycles repaired."

[dmeck7755]

1. The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render

2. The unbelievable knight: Sir Real

3. The knights who were so fat they sat around a table by themselves: Sir Round and Sir Cumference

4. The undercover knight: Sir Veillance

5. The knight who came to an untimely end: Sir Cease

6. The knight who never got killed in battle: Sir Vivor

7. The knight who always guessed right: Sir Miser

8. The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Past

9. The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prise

10. The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount

11. The knight who funded the castle's operations: Sir Tax

12. The knight who kept the kingdom's maps up to date: Sir Veyor

13. The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis

14. The knight always called on as the first substitute: Sir Rogate

15. The most outstanding of all the knights: Sir Perb

16. The hardest knight of them all: Sir Amic

17. The knight who was most at home in a 3-ring castle: Sir Cus

18. The saddest knight of them all: Sir Rowful

19. The extra knights: Sir Perfluous and Sir Pernumerary

20. The dancing knight: Sir Prance Alot

Received from Barry Lunt.

[dmeck7755]

The three random yet recurring phases of cat ownership:

 1- You are as elegant as moonlight and shadow, my sleek panther, my tiny hunter

2- You are my little boopersnoot squigglebutt squishydoodle

3- STOP EATING PLASTIC YOU GODDAMN MALEVOLENT LITTLE GARGOYLE

[Róisín]

I would add one “Cat, please find somewhere to sleep other than on my face!”

[Yastreb]

WRT cats...

5 - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE THE LITTERBOX, DAMN YOU!

6 - WHY CAN'T YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY?!? (Also rendered as MOVE, CAT!)