Bad jokes thread

[Róisín]

I never got used to very Anglo-Australian Liz addressing her pair of elderly Siamese cats with”Raus, katzen”! when she wanted them out from under her feet. That was because the person from whom she got them had been in the habit of addressing them in German. Those cats were the ones she had before the present semi-tamed ferals, dunno if you met them?

[dmeck7755]

WRT cats...

5 - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE THE LITTERBOX, DAMN YOU!

6 - WHY CAN'T YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY?!? (Also rendered as MOVE, CAT!)

MOVE CAT!!! is a great one.  Yesterday I accidentally stepped on one of their tails.  He has been avoiding me since

[Grade E cat]

Contribution to the cat thing:
- Okay Mr. Hungry One, here's a nice bowl of special vetenarian cat food with two differents medicines mixed in... wait, where did you go? (He eventually comes back to eat it, but still...)
- I know this is a single bed, but you're a tenth of my size, you shouldn't be taking up that much space!

[thorny]

WRT cats...

6 - WHY CAN'T YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY?!? (Also rendered as MOVE, CAT!)

Even more applicable, currently, to the relatively-new fairly large puppy. No, I don't want to walk into your wet nose! Move it!

MOVE CAT!!! is a great one.  Yesterday I accidentally stepped on one of their tails.  He has been avoiding me since

That doesn't seem to cause mine to avoid me. If anything they get more underfoot, demanding I pick them up and pat them in apology for stepping on them.

(yes, yes, I know. If I didn't, some of the time, pick up and pat the Underfoot Cat in the Way, they wouldn't get in the way as often. But . . . )

[Yastreb]

I saw this sign today in the window of a bottle shop.

"Waiter, there's a hair in my wine!"
"Sorry sir, it must still be FUR-menting."

[Róisín]

Thorny, the other annoying cat feature is their power of selective gravity. They can move like a light breeze over things that should make noise as they cross, but don’t. Then they lie on the blanket directly above your feet, and suddenly weigh as much as a human. And Aggie is a tiny delicate cat!

[dmeck7755]

Thorny, the other annoying cat feature is their power of selective gravity. They can move like a light breeze over things that should make noise as they cross, but don’t. Then they lie on the blanket directly above your feet, and suddenly weigh as much as a human. And Aggie is a tiny delicate cat!

We have two cats that have mastered the art of furry-brickness.

You get up to go to the bathroom and there is this heavy furry rock in your place

[thorny]

Thorny, the other annoying cat feature is their power of selective gravity.

Oh yes indeed.

Pick up a cat who wants to be picked up? Weighs as much as a fluffy blanket.

Pick up a cat who doesn't want to be picked up? Weighs as much as a block of lead.

[Yastreb]

I was watching a video on Mark Felton's military channel about the personal sidearms of Nazi leaders, and something Dr Felton said prompted me to post this comment.

When Dr Felton referred to von Ribbentrop's Luger, and added, "This weapon was captured by a US officer concealed in some of his personal baggage..." Did anyone else just for an instant wonder how a US officer managed to conceal himself in von Ribbentrop's personal baggage?

[Róisín]

Heard again today an old and awful joke: “Why is this lousy pub called ‘The Fiddle’?” “Because it is a vile inn!” Groannnn!

[Buteo]

I was watching a video on Mark Felton's military channel about the personal sidearms of Nazi leaders, and something Dr Felton said prompted me to post this comment.

When Dr Felton referred to von Ribbentrop's Luger, and added, "This weapon was captured by a US officer concealed in some of his personal baggage..." Did anyone else just for an instant wonder how a US officer managed to conceal himself in von Ribbentrop's personal baggage?

It's a wonderful mental image, isn't it?

Heard again today an old and awful joke: “Why is this lousy pub called ‘The Fiddle’?” “Because it is a vile inn!” Groannnn!

O, boe!

[Yastreb]

Back to cats...

"STOP PLAYING WITH THAT! IT'S NOT A TOY!"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHEN WILL YOU STOP PUSHING THINGS OVER!?!"*

* This gave rise to the often quoted meme about why cats prove the Earth isn't flat, because cats would have pushed everything over the edge by now...

[dmeck7755]

Back to cats...

"STOP PLAYING WITH THAT! IT'S NOT A TOY!"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHEN WILL YOU STOP PUSHING THINGS OVER!?!"*

* This gave rise to the often quoted meme about why cats prove the Earth isn't flat, because cats would have pushed everything over the edge by now...

LOL

Another is "Get OUT of my feet"

[Yastreb]

If you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery.

I sent a food parcel to my former wife. FedEx.

My attempts to mix nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.

[Yastreb]

Back to cats with one that I'm surprised I didn't think of before.

"GET OFF MY LAPTOP!"

Fortitude is the trope namer here. One time I found her sitting on the keyboard; she'd activated airplane mode, put the volume on mute, and opened a new tab on Bing. Another time she created and saved a bookmark folder called something like ssssssssssssss;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;.