Bad jokes thread

[Jitter]

Yastreb, take a look at your archives and post one more joke, ok? We need more Scouts, there are Kades about!

[Grade E cat]

Derived from the general term for meal+chat combos, "nomversation", I trust?

It's actually meant to be a streamlined version of "non-conversation", but that works also  .

[Yastreb]

I don't have much fondness for motor racing, but on the other hand, motor racing gave us Murray Walker, an enthusiastic commentator who... well, read on.

A battle is developing between them. I say developing, because it's not yet on.
A sad ending, albeit a happy one, here at Montréal for today's Grand Prix.
Michael Schumacher is actually in a very good position. He is in last place.
Excuse me while I interrupt myself.
That just shows you how important the car is in Formula One Racing.
There's no damage to the car.....except to the car itself.
As you can see, visually, with your eyes.
Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?
Either the car is stationary, or it's on the move.
There are four different cars filling the first four places.
He can't decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
He is shedding buckets of adrenalin in that car!
He's here again for the first time.
I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem.
I don't know what happened, but there was a major malmisorganization problem there.
I imagine the conditions in those cars today are totally unimaginable.
I make no apologies for their absence. I'm sorry they're not here.
It's not quite a curve. It's a straight actually!
It's raining and the track is wet!
I've no idea what Eddie Irvine's orders are, but he's following them superlatively well.
Look up there! That's the sky!
Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.
Prost can see Mansell in his earphones.
Tambay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now.
That's history. I say history because it happened in the past.
The boot's on the other Schumacher now!
The faster he goes the quicker he'll get to the pits. The slower he goes the longer it will take.
The gap between the two cars is 0.9 of a second which is less than one second.
The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
There's nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire.
This is an interesting circuit because it has inclines, and not just up, but down as well.
Now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
With half of the race gone, there is half of the race still to go.
Two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.
You can cut the tension with a cricket stump.
You might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing.

[Purple Wyrm]

Reminds me of Lt Cdr Tommy Woodroffe's commentary on the illumination of the fleet at Spithead in 1937

"At the present moment, the whole fleet is lit up. When I say 'lit up', I mean lit up by fairy lamps."

"Now, if you'll follow me through ... if you don't mind ... the next few moments... you'll find the fleet doing odd things."

"I'm sorry, I was telling some people to shut up talking."

"At the moment there's a whole huge fleet here. The thing we saw this afternoon, this colossal fleet, lit up ... by lights ... and the whole fleet is in fairyland! It isn't true, it isn't here!"

"It's gone! It's gone! There's no fleet! It's, eh, it's disappeared! No magician who ever could have waved his wand could have waved it with more acumen than he has now at the present moment. The fleet's gone. It's disappeared."

"I was talking to you ... in the middle of this damn (cough), in the middle of this fleet ... and what's happened is the fleet's gone, disappeared and gone"

"There's nothing between us and heaven. There's nothing at all!"

(in his defence he was quite spectacularly drunk  )

[Yastreb]

Somewhere on the high seas, the First Mate of a merchant ship comes on duty one morning, signs the log, and is shocked to see that the Captain has written "The First Mate was drunk last night."

The First Mate is unhappy with that. He was barely tipsy, and it hasn't happened before, but now it's on record and it makes him look bad. But the Captain just shrugs; as far as he was concerned the First Mate was drunk, and anyway he can't remove the entry, so it has to stay there, come what may.

Next day the Captain prepares to sign the log... and is gobsmacked to see the entry by the First Mate; "The Captain was sober last night."

[Anna]

My sister really changed after she became a vegetarian. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

[Yastreb]

There was a comedy many years ago, The Strange Case of the End of Civilisation As We Know It, with John Cleese as Sherlock Holmes and Arthur Lowe as Dr Watson. There was an extended scene in which Watson tries to complete the Time crossword, and Holmes supplies the answers, which... well, read on.

"Source of citrus fruit... one, two, eight."
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson."

"Acccess in an emergency... five, five."
"Alarm entry, my dear Watson."

"Conservative MP pays ex-wife maintenance... seven, four."
"Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."

"Cowardly form of sea life... six, five, three."
"Yellow Manta Ray, my dear Watson."

"In the Californian style... one, two, eight."
"A la Monteray, my dear Watson."

Edited to add another joke.

[Grade E cat]

These days, I sometimes can't get up in the morning because I have too much on my chest.

The winter tends to make my slightly overweight cat really clingy.

[Yastreb]

Another forum I once posted to had a thread in which members could be appointed as something akin to Agony Aunts, to answer any and all questions that could be vexing other members. I was chosen for that role; here are some of the questions they asked, with my somewhat weird answers.

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
Due to EC regulations, mouse-flavoured food is in the same category as moose-flavoured, which is banned because of a Canadian lawsuit.

If Erwin Schrodinger's surname had been different, would that have affected the cat?
Based on observations from parallel universes, nothing changes; Maxwell's Cat is exactly the same, though Schrodinger's Demon is quite dangerous.

What does the fox say?
There are three possible answers.
* No idea - they're always running away from my wolves
* No idea - I don't speak Japanese
* Sour grapes

Why are shamrocks called shamrocks?
Strangely enough, it's not the obvious answer. They're named after Cham Roque, a Norman knight who put them in his coat of arms.

If #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it #2?
The No. 1 Pencil is a propelling pencil made of solid gold with a cap of pure diamond, and using only graphite recovered from the steering vanes of Vergeltungswaffe 2 rockets. Its whereabouts are currently unknown.  A group known as the Scribaceous Society safeguards the No. 1 Pencil; its members would die rather than reveal its location, because any drawing made by it gives the artist total control over the object or person depicted.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when you start off by telling everyone your name?
Because it was assumed when AA was formed that people would give false names, but no-one caught on to that.

What causes the thing you just put down on the desk to disappear, and where does it go?
It's always been Gremlins. They've branched out recently; their latest trick is to dolly spirit fail paradise dreadful judgement guild conspiracy paladin visitors insert random gibberish into the answers in advice columns.

What's going on around here?
There's something happening here, but what it is ain't exactly clear. There's a man with a gun over there telling me I got to beware.

So stop, hey what's that sound?
It's only the scarlet soldiers, dear, only the soldiers coming.

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, what makes TEFLON stick to the pan?
Mud.

On Sunday there was a big wasp in the bathroom, yesterday there was one in the stairwell window. Where are they coming from?
You've been hit by a plague of Republican National Congress members. Put up pictures of President Obama and Hillary Clinton and you should have no more trouble.

Why is my washing machine not pumping out the water properly?
There may be a water-kelpie trapped inside. Stir a pinch of horse-radish and a teaspoonful of chopped parsley in the washing powder to set it free.

[Róisín]

Had to laugh at the last one. Are you familiar with Rick Kennett’s short story on the subject? Might amuse you. And if any of the tales in his collections sound familiar, yes, he hung out with the boys and with me for awhile.

[Grade E cat]

The joke section of TV Tropes pages strikes again:

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all waiting for a ship. Looking to kill a little time, they troop down to a local vaudeville theater. They arrive just after the show has begun and take their seats in the far back of the theater, just as a juggling act is starting. After a minute, the juggler notices the four of them in the back and calls to them "Can you four see me back there?" The Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and German reply "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."

[JoB]

The Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and German reply "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Jä."

Spoiler: show

Works a lot better with the correct plain "a" instead of the Umlaut ...

[Yastreb]

Had to laugh at the last one. Are you familiar with Rick Kennett’s short story on the subject?

I remember all three tales in The Reluctant Ghost-Hunter. Any story that begins with "Mister, there's a horse in one of your washing machines" is one that stays in the mind.

Grade E Cat's joke reminded me of a supposely true story (translation; tall tale) of a nurse named Pika Bu who had a very brief stint in an Intensive Care Unit. Why so brief a stint? Because she had to take calls, and she would answer, "Pika Bu, ICU."

[Róisín]

Grrroooaaan! Yastreb, that is terrible! I love it.

And anent weird stories, I notice that the book you sent me mentions in passing the Long Tunnel Mine at Walhalla. Do you remember that place? That was the mine that Mark J got lost in. Many , many thanks for the parcel. Much appreciated!

[Crumpite]

Typical Michigander humor: 

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern  Michigan recently with
two buckets of fish leaving a lake well  known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you  have a license to catch those
fish?"

The man replied to  the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!"  the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here  fish down to the lake and
let them swim around for a while. I whistle  and they jump back into
their buckets, and I take 'em  home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said,  "Here,
I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT  to see this!." The game warden was curious now.

The man poured  the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several  minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded.

"When are you going  to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?"  The man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The  man asked.