Author Topic: Bad jokes thread  (Read 139716 times)

Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #705 on: August 10, 2020, 10:37:54 PM »
What follows was a Feghoot story written by a work colleague with whom I had many a merry exchange of puns, acrostics and the like, and who sadly died young. In his memory I present one of his best moments.

William sat on the beach.  His lips were dry and his skin had started to blister. 
He'd noticed the barrel bobbing in the shallow surf about an hour ago, and had managed to wrestle it a few metres up the soft sand.  It lay beside him now, its short shadow not quite covering his feet.  He looked at it again; there was anger in his eyes, and sadness...perhaps a note of frustrated resignation.
Four months into her voyage, the barque HMS Cork had been low on fresh water. When the lookout had sighted the green flush of vegetation rising on the horizon, the Captain had ordered a slow and cautious approach to the uncharted island. 
White water had hinted at the jagged and stabbing fingers of submerged reefs, but their need had been dire.  They'd had no choice but to risk the reefs and make for the safety of the lagoon, and from there to launch parties in search of mineral springs or other sources of fresh water.
The crew worked well together.  They were all experts in their trades; the carpenters, the shipwrights, the bosuns, the coxswains, the officers...each man jack highly skilled, but only really effective when working as a part of the whole...as a part of the crew. 
William had been a boy seaman, serving as a domestic hand and keeping the Cork's accounts.  But he'd always felt himself to be a part of the crew. He'd never felt alone or afraid at sea, because he'd believed his crew to be capable of anything.
Cork had struck the reef during the first watch. William had felt and heard the horrible rending as the Cork's wooden hull had been opened by a submerged enemy. He'd been thrown from his chair at the work table as the reef grabbed hard and slowed the vessel's progress. Shouts had broken out immediately as the hands assessed the damage and tried to stem the flood of Pacific water. But to no avail. The ship had gone down in minutes, and the crew had been forced into the unwelcome embrace of the roiling white waves.
55 men had gone into the water, but only one had survived the crashing waves, and the cutting coral, and the hungry predators. Only one had made it to shore.  And that one had been William.  He was lost and alone now, unsupported by the crew that had been his strength. 
He looked again at the barrel, and wondered about the rum that it contained. He ached for its taste. He ached for the oblivion that its sharp and sugary promise might bring. The barrel was sealed with a single, and small, stopper and William knew he couldn't remove it alone. He'd tried. He'd struggled with the cursed thing without success. 
And now he knew he needed help to remove the stopper. He needed his shipmates. If he was ever to remove the plug and access the rum, he would need the Cork's crew...
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

Ruler of Bartolomeu de Gusmão Airport.

Róisín

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #706 on: August 11, 2020, 05:52:43 AM »
Groooaaan! I like that one, Yastreb.
Heard a funny one today: Someone just stole my thesaurus! I have no words to describe how I feel!
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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #707 on: August 12, 2020, 11:13:46 AM »
This is another fine piece by my late workmate.

MINORITY REPORT

Phillip K. Dick had come up with the idea.
It was the ability to detect a culinary crime, before it even happened, and intervene. It was ethically dangerous, and socially contentious. But the Thyme Police had the ability to stop a kitchen accident before it happened. They were still trialling the process. 
Rosemary was in charge. In two years, they’d had no failures. Basil had found the process hard to get used to. He’d felt like such a Dill; still, that Nut Meg had talked him around.
But things had started to go wrong; suddenly and unexpectedly. Ginger thought there was a Leek in the department, but no one could be sure.
Rosemary yelled out suddenly, “Cumin here, the lot of you. Now!”
He didn’t want to go. He had Anise who was celebrating her 18th birthday today. But Sorrel had convinced him to attend. It had been Sage advice.
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

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Grade E cat

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #708 on: August 12, 2020, 12:57:29 PM »
Culinary crimes, uh? I'd like to make an anonymous delation of a certain Mikkel Madsen who lives in Denmark.
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phocena

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #709 on: August 12, 2020, 11:46:41 PM »
Some more culinary and/or joke crimes, courtesy of a high school friend...

What do you call a cow with three legs?
Spoiler: show
Tri-tip

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Spoiler: show
Lean meat

What do you call a cow with one leg?
Spoiler: show
Steak

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Spoiler: show
Ground beef
native: :usa:
rusty: :mexico:
learning: :egypt:
want to learn: :southkorea:
maybe one day: :china:

Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #710 on: August 13, 2020, 10:40:51 AM »
My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now he's just "Dav"...
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #711 on: August 18, 2020, 12:14:54 AM »
A friend supplied a slew of jokes he found on a Reddit thread about "Dad Jokes." Do they deserve that title? You decide.

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor... then Who is.

My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.
I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

People who run behind cars get exhausted.
But people who run in front of cars get tired.

GF- “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”
BF- “ Our relationship is what? Over.”

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!"
He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad. It’s cutting hedge technology!"

My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”
He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

Ruler of Bartolomeu de Gusmão Airport.

Jitter

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #712 on: August 19, 2020, 05:31:23 PM »
Yastreb, you have made a mistake! These aren’t very bad!
🇫🇮 🇬🇧 🇸🇪 🇫🇷 (🇩🇪)(🇯🇵)((🇨🇳))

:A2chap03: :A2chap04: :A2chap05:

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Anna

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #713 on: September 05, 2020, 06:01:04 PM »
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there was a Sith Lord with a joint disorder. His name?
Darth Ritis.
:chap10::chap11::chap12::chap13::chap14::chap15::chap16::chap17::chap18::chap19::chap20::chap21:
:A2chap01::A2chap02::A2chap03::A2chap04::A2chap05:
:book2::book3::book4:

And remember what peace there may be in silence.

Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #714 on: September 05, 2020, 08:35:27 PM »
ADVISORY

DO NOT READ BEFORE MEALS


OK then? Read on...

The Spectator ran a challenge to invent the worst bill of fare. Here are two lists provided by their readers.

Mint Bloater Soup
Donkey Liver Mousse with Butterscotch Sauce
Sow's Udders in Aspic with Whelk Fritters
Liquorice Potatoes and Crystallised Sprouts
Parsnip Porridge
Goat's Kidneys in Marmalade
Camembert and Rhubarb Waffles
Sardine Shortbread
Mentholated Coffee

Hors d'Oeuvre Maison (whelks, Pontefract cakes, boiled liver, ants' eggs in chilled puree of Swede)
Baleine a l'Ecossaise (Whale brains in whiskey sauce)
Porc Tartare (Served with roast banana skins, pickled fudge and crushed Horlicks tablets)
Coupe Royale (Tomato ice cream with anchovies, garlic, salted garlic and crème de menthe)
Cafe Minceur (A blend of coffee, alcohol-free lager and carrot juice)
Bon-bons Surprise (Chocolate coated oysters)
"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

Ruler of Bartolomeu de Gusmão Airport.

wavewright62

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #715 on: September 09, 2020, 04:42:58 PM »
Some of those dishes I would actually try.  Hint: none of those are from the 2nd menu!   :P
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Yastreb

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #716 on: September 09, 2020, 07:39:26 PM »
This "menu" is taken from alleged examples of howlers noted by tourists.

Buttered Saucepans And Fried Hormones
Children Soup
Cold Shredded Children And Sea Blubber In Spicy Sauce.
Deep Fried Fingers Of My Lady
Dreaded Veal Cutlet With Potatoes In Cream
Fried Fishermen
Indonesian Nazi Goreng.
Lobster Thermos
Muscles Of Marines
Nut of Holy Jacques Jumped
Pork With Fresh Garbage
Rather Burnt Land Slug
Roasted Duck Let Loose
Strawberry Crap
Sweat From The Trolley
Teppan Yaki Before Your Cooked Right Eyes
Toes With Butter And Jam

"Life is all we are. Life is what defines us. In the end, Life is the answer."

Ruler of Bartolomeu de Gusmão Airport.

Róisín

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #717 on: September 10, 2020, 02:43:39 AM »
I can sort of work out what some of those are meant to be, like Coquilles St. Jacques andLobster Thermidor, but some are a total mystery. Lady fingers are a kind of okra, and I presume the veal cutlets should be breaded. Weird and funny!
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thorny

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #718 on: September 10, 2020, 10:07:47 AM »
Lady fingers are a kind of okra

Also a kind of cake (well, I'd say cake, but probably the term in some countries is biscuit):
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ladyfinger_(biscuit)

Róisín

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Re: Bad jokes thread
« Reply #719 on: September 10, 2020, 12:58:32 PM »
thorny, I thought the vegetable rather than the shortbready/cakey thing because ‘fried’. And the ‘muscles of marines’ might be salt water mussels rather than freshwater mussels?

Yastreb, wherever do you find this stuff?

And is the ‘sweat’meant to be ‘sweets’?
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