Bad jokes thread

[Jethan]

I saw an ad that showed a photo of a pizza captioned with: You want a "pizza" me?

[OwlsG0]

I told the Descartes joke to my crush and he squirted orange juice out of his nose. At least now I know he's human too and has those terrible awkward moments. Also, he's still cute with orange stuff dribbling out of his nose.

Here's another awful joke:

Five guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

[urbicande]

Five guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says, "What is this, some sort of joke?"

[OwlsG0]

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says, "What is this, some sort of joke?"

A cow walks into a bar and goes up to order, saying "Hay, bartender!"

[Iceea]

The veterinarian comes up to speak to Dr Schrödinger in the waiting room.
"About your cat Dr Schrödinger, I'm afraid there's good news and bad news..."

[Lazy8]

The veterinarian comes up to speak to Dr Schrödinger in the waiting room.
"About your cat Dr Schrödinger, I'm afraid there's good news and bad news..."

*facepalm*

If you wanna do bad physics/math jokes, you've got some competition:

i to pi: Be rational.
pi to i: Get real.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting and see a deer. The physicist shoots, but misses by three meters to the left. The engineer says "No no no, you're doing it wrong!" and takes his turn... and misses by three meters to the right. At which point the statistician says "Yeah! We got him!"

Plus, anything and everything involving spherical chickens or cows...

[OwlsG0]

A photon walks into a hotel. The porter asks them: "Do you have any bags you would like me to bring to your room?"

The photon says "No thank you. I'm travelling light."

[Lazy8]

Atom: Help me, I left one of my electrons behind in the bar!

Bartender: Are you sure?

Atom: Yes, I'm positive!

[Tr]

I would make some sort of chemistry joke here, but all the good ones argon.

[Double H]

Please someone post more math jokes I'm loving these. 

[meshebe]

Edit: oops someone beat me to this joke, sorry!

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go deer hunting.  A deer walks into view and the engineer gets ready to shot.  He makes some basic assumtions, supposes that the air resistance has a small enough effect to not factor into this situation, and finally fires.  His bullet lands one meter short.  Next, the physicist gets ready to shot.  She take into account the air resistance, the effects of gravity, the curvature and rotation of the earth, and fires.  Her shot lands one meter too far. 

The statistician jumps up and says, "We got 'em!"

[meshebe]

How about this one instead:

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"

The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.

"A cat," Schrödinger replies.

The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."

Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."

[Lazy8]

Well if we're doing the whole physics + traffic thing...

A driver gets pulled over for running a red light and tries to defend himself by saying that he wasn't aware it was red - he was going to fast that the red light appeared blueshifted to green.

He promptly got a ticket for speeding.

[Iceea]

From the pages of Boy's Life, many years ago:
Do you think there's intelligent life on Mars?
I sure do.
Why is that?
Well, you don't see them spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get here do you?

[urbicande]

There was a statistician who stood with one food in a bucket of ice water and one foot in a bucket of very hot water and said "On the average, I feel fine!"