Hrolfr keeps coming up with great stuff! (If anyone can think of a better typeface for the title, feel free to suggest one -- it's Zapfino currently)
Herewith I present:
Emil's Good Day
Zero minus 5min:
Sigrun: "Remind me again, Emil, why we're doing this your way?" She’s looking at down the avenue at Mikkel in the further distance who is fiddling with a large cargo bicycle.
It's a surprisingly warm & overcast winter's day, perfect weather for Trolls to leave their nests.
Emil, distracted as he fiddles with some wires and fussing:
"You lost at cards to me, dear Captain. Now we do it, Swedish Cleanser Style."
Sigrun, using her precious pre-apocalypse binoculars to glass the area around Mikkel. Grunts: "I didn't lose as badly as Mikkel. We'd better get started." She sees Emil stretching. "And I swear by all the Gods, if you do that stupid dance now Emil, I will tie you up and leave you for the trolls."
Emil looks innocent. Moi? Dance now? Heaven forfend.
Earlier, by two days:
Sigrun: "Ok, Lalli, these beasts are my lovely Uncle Harald's latest invention, on loan. Behold, 'The Troll Slayer Mk IX'."
She sweeps off the shroud and two large bolt-action rifles with huge suppressors hanging off the front are visible, braced on bipods. In front of each are a small case of stripper-clipped rounds of significant size. The guns are brutal-looking, but prettily incised and carved with animals and nature scenes.
Emil whistles "Pretty," Lalli steps forward & picks up a big, fat, long brass cartridge and bounces it in his hand. He whistles too.
Sigrun: “Yes, big, heavy, barely-subsonic rounds, they'll drop a troll like nobody’s business. One shot. You'll want to fire them from the bipods, unless you are bigger than Mikkel here. The recoil is … substantial."
Tuuri translates. Lalli responds. Tuuri: "Lalli's good, Sigrun, he wants to go take some ranging shots & check the zero." Sigrun and Lalli wander off with guns in tow and a couple of clips. A couple minutes later, some loudish "WBHOOMP!" noises are heard. It startles some birds. Lalli is laughing.
Even earlier, a week ago:
Emil is pointing at a small model/plan of the avenue: "So, that's my plan, any questions?"
Mikkel: "Respectfully, Emil, I don't like the part where I'm the Pied Piper of Copenhagen. Me, Bait! I've seen what happens to the worm when the fish gets too close, and Sigrun's and Lalli's reconnaissance news is, frankly, terrifying. That’s a BIG nest."
Tuuri: "All that fire stuff, how we going to set that up? I'm sure we do not have enough on-board. Even if we raid Mikkel's mythical stash." Mikkel shows no emotion.
Emil: “I have a clever plan.”
Sigrun: "I see what you are doing, but it seems like a LOT of work to get the damn trolls out and away from the books and stuff in that library. But you are right, if we get them out, that library is possible. Otherwise, it’s a death trap.”
Lalli: Looks thoughtful. Says nothing. Yawns. Thinks * Troll Ambush. That Idiot Emil in charge. This'll be fun. Remember to tell Tuuri to have a plan B *
Emil: “You heard the weather report on 'Radio Norden', it'll be perfect winter Troll weather here in a week, not so cold as now, and we'll have to go into hiding anyway and this week is cold and nasty. Great week to work, and you all promised when you lost, last night. This plan is perfect. What can go wrong?"
Mikkel and Sigrun exchange glances. Sigrun: "OK, we'll set it up your way and defer final judgment." Mikkel looks a little consternated: "Fine."
This Morning, in the cool half-light:
Tuuri comes to Emil: "We're all set, you?"
Emil smiling broadly and with glint in his eyes: "YES! This is going to be epic." He makes the final connections, aside from one big battery. And then sets his small demolition and pyro board with the knife switches by a folding chair set up on the front of a small pile of rubble.
"How’s everyone else doing?"
Tuuri: "Mikkel is obsessing about that old cargo bike you two found, he is Not Happy. Sigrun has set up her firing position and is muttering about Swedish lunatics. Other than some complaints earlier about all the lifting and fetching making him sore, Lalli is all set up and having a nap. Everything else is set up too, just like you've been bugging us about, ALL WEEK. Sheesh.”
“I've got the Cattank all set to run like hell when this crazy plan of yours fails. All the trolls that are local, lured? Emil, seriously, this is nuts. This place is infested with them."
Emil looks at her with confidence: "Hey now, oh ye of little faith. This is going to work."
Tuuri, dubiously: "Ok Emil. Sigrun is going to kill you, slowly, if this fails or poor Mikkel gets hurt. I'm not kidding. She's not happy with using him as bait."
Emil: "It's going to work, the Trolls will be brought out, we'll kill them and we can then clean out that Library safely. Nests, Giant, or not."
Tuuri, alarmed: "GIANT?"
Emil: "Didn't Lalli and Sigrun tell you? They saw a big one in the basement last night. It had moved out from deeper in."
Tuuri: "No... Oh dear. We're fighting a giant now. With one cleanser, one scout, one soldier, a medic and a Skald. I do hope Mikkel left his little flask in the cattank."
Zero Hour:
Emil sitting on a folding chair, demolition board on his lap. Carbine at his feet. Looking at clock. "OK, wave the flag for Mikkel, Tuuri. Here we go."
Sigrun, 5 meters to the to the right, and Lalli 5 meters to the left, are nestled down behind their rifles, extra clips carefully arrayed near them, checking the whitewashed stones arrayed down the avenue every 10 metres as range markers all the way to Mikkel, who waves in return and unties some ropes, and takes the big cargo bicycle off the kickstand as he climbs on.
Turri goes forward to her rope section and eyes the quick release knots. She looks at Emil, who is concentrating. The smell of heavy fraction liquid hydrocarbons wafts by.
The noises and vibrations cause by the falling weights that Mikkel released when he saw the flag starts to fade, all the loud scrap metal settles down, leaving only a bell clanging. Emil closes the first switch and small strings of "pops" are heard from near where Mikkel is, in the buildings. Mikkel is looking around nervously. The little fireworks are to irritate the trolls. They whistle and pop, rattle and sigh.
Mikkel starts to pedal slowly in a circle and the cargo bicycle starts to make an infernal clanking and banging as the gear in the cargo bed engages. A louder noise is heard from inside the buildings and a smallish Troll hops out, quickly followed by a couple more, and some smaller beasts. Then more.
Mikkel starts to pedal away towards Emil and the crew, & the Trolls give chase, but suddenly a wall collapses on one side just behind the fleeing Mikkel. Out wobbles a giant, screaming, followed by a second Giant smaller, but still rather large. And yet more trolls large and small.
Mikkel starts to pedal faster. The bicycle noise makers get louder.
Emil yells to Sigrun a little high-pitched: "Sigrun, TWO giants, AND more trolls are still coming out! Is this your idea of messing with me?"
Sigrun, calmly: "No. Looks like there were TWO nests, we missed that. The Beasts too. You good, or do we need to retreat now?"
Emil, more calmly now: "We're still good. We can't leave Mikkel anyway. Oh bugger."
Lalli opens fire with his big new rifle, and the thing closest to Mikkel loses its head violently, but keeps running for a few steps before collapsing.
Mikkel is screaming something in Danish. No one can hear what. He's pedaling very quickly now, drawing the growing pack of Trolls and giants over the small bridge into Emil's “solution”. The faster trolls are starting to gain on the old bicycle. Sigrun and Lalli start to fire at a slow measured rate and nothing gets too close to Mikkel. But Mikkel's obviously working very hard and his face is red. The heavy bike is taking its toll. The Trolls are faster than expected.
Lalli is muttering: "Perkele", the rifle goes CHOOMPH! "perkele", rifle: CHOOMPH!, "perkele" ... there’s a lot more trolls that they expected. He's please with the rifle though, those massive bullets are deadly at this range.
As the final giant crosses the bridge, picking up speed, Emil yells to Tuuri, "One, Five and Three!" Tuuri loosens her knots. The ropes slither away, pulled by falling weights. Emil closes some more switches and across the back near the bridges, there are some bright flashes and the tanks that Tuuri had tipped with her ropes reveal themselves to be liquid hydrocarbon that bursts into flame, closing off the bridge escape.
That second slower, smaller giant stumbles as under its body multiple small flashes, bangs, and black smoke erupt. It screams and falls, but continues to advance for some seconds.
Mikkel enters a clearly marked white-washed lane now, as the Troll pack and remaining giant come on fast, but firmly boxed in by the warehouses on either side, and the new lake of fire and activated minefield behind. The only path of escape is towards Emil, led on by Mikkel's fleeing & very noisy bicycle.
As he emerges from the lane, Emil flips several more switches, and the front runners of the Trolls stumble and several small bangs sound out. They are covered in ichor and several fall grievously damaged. The rest of Troll pack rolls over their bodies like a wave. More small improvised mines detonate. The wave furls like on the sea.
Sigrun and Lalli are now firing regularly, but Mikkel is slowing for some unaccountable reason, though he's standing on the pedals hard, no longer yelling.
Lalli yells loudly in Finnish: "Move your fat sluggish geriatric Danish posterior faster, you cretin!" (Ed.: Paraphrase, what he really said was much, much, ruder.) He kneels and leans forward to shoots another, dangerously close to Mikkel, troll creature. Its mid-section explodes under the hammering of the big rifle.
The remaining giant at the rear starts to THRUMM and scream as it sees the Cattank and understands the shooters are causing it pain and how close Mikkel is.
Mikkel makes it across the drainage ditch that fronts our heroes position on the improvised plank bridge on foot, bicycle abandoned, and grabs the rope that collapses it, just in time to drop a troll into the oily ditch. He’s gasping for air. Emil turns and yells to Tuuri: "NOW! ALL OF THEM", waits a second, and flips a last remaining switch.
The ditch bursts into flame. Through the heat shimmer, the Troll pack and Giant seem to shudder to a stop, and there's a rolling set of rather quiet little explosions under them as the second small minefield they are crossing is made live. Those trolls able, start to flee backwards away from the flaming ditch as the screams of the Troll caught in it reach a high-pitched howl.
They run into a third mine field, now live, grievously injuring the large remaining giant, but it continues to slop forward using a badly damaged tentacle to sweep the little mines.
Mikkel, red faced, out of breath, splattered in ichor, turns around and looks on, and throws up.
Lalli and Sigrun both stand up and move nervously towards the Cattank. Will the trolls disregard the flaming ditch?
Tuuri is in the driver’s seat and is looking nervously at Emil who is standing tall and straight. Calmly holding his carbine, smiling from ear to ear.
"JA!" he yells and whole length of the short block is suddenly wet with oily mix from the tipped over barrels that Turri had initiated, and igniters start bloom all down the middle of the road.
The whole block is now a sea of flame and of roasting & screaming Trolls. A vision of hell, Emil feels the heat and noise of the trapped trolls and his smile gets wider. The heat is impressive, the warehouses are blackening and starting to burn, the short length of intra-warehouse road is worthy of The Swedish Solution to Trolls.
Emil looks on with a beatific face at the writhing and screaming Grosslings, large and small.
Mikkel looks up from where he's wiping his mouth, and accepts his flask from Tuuri, who has emerged. Mikkel still out of breath and sick: "What was Lalli yelling?" Tuuri: "You magnificent Danish demigod!" Mikkel: "Really?" Tuuri: "Close enough."
Sigrun and Lalli are just holding their rifles, faces in obvious awe of the destruction and mass slaughter Emil has perpetrated.
As the roaring fire noise lessens, suddenly Mikkel yells: " EMIL! You..." he searches for grievous insult... "SWEDE! I am never playing cards with you again. EVER. That" he coughs and throws up, again " ...was the single most stupid thing, I have ever done in my life." He takes a long drink from the flask and hands it back to Tuuri. He sits down. Gasping. Trying not to throw up.
Sigrun, in full battlefield command voice: "Cleanser Västerström!"
Emil snaps to attention quite creditably, out of surprise: "Yes Ma'am." He looks a little guilty.
Sigrun: "You may commence victory dance. Dismissed."
Emil looks happy & starts a energetic dance, hooting and hollering something in unintelligible Swedish, and after a moment Lalli joins him holding the heavy rifle over his head singing something else in Finnish, but copying the moves creditably. It looks decidedly odd.
Sigrun looks at Lalli and Emil cavorting on the rubble pile, silhouetted against the dying flames, and says to Tuuri at her side: "Your cousin is pretty strong for a little guy; that rifle is heavy. Kicks like a mule too."
Tuuri contemplates the spectacle of her cousin and Emil: "The only way that dance could be more disturbing was if they were doing that naked. What the devil are they doing?"
Sigrun: "Not a clue, he said something about his class of cleansers finding some old piece of gear in the rubble and when they got it powered there was some old dance thing looping, so they adopted that as their class victory dance."
Turri: "Wow. Oh dear" ( face palms in embarrassment.)
Sigrun: "Ja. But Emil deserves it so don’t laugh. Today was awesome. I am so bringing some Swedish cleansers back with me to Norway when this is over, to teach. Using that old useless fuel from the buried gas station tanks like that, the improvised mines & pyro effects, the weight-driven clangers… Nifty."
Emil stops, strikes a silly pose and yells "Gangnam STYLE! WOOOOT!" He hugs Lalli. Lalli looks embarrassed. Emil is too happy to care, Tuuri tosses him the flask underhand.
Suddenly from behind, Mikkel rises like a Leviathan out of the depths, now angry, red faced.
"YOU!" He spins Sigrun around by the shoulder. He sticks his index finger in Sigrun's face. (She looked at it cross-eyed, rather surprised.) "YOU! Should. Know. Better!" he glowers, eyes glowing red in the failing flames. "If you EVER lose to that little... SWEDE ... at cards again, I'm going to take you over my lap and spank you until you can't sit down for a month." He catches his breath, "This was the worst idea, EVER."
Tuuri, Lalli and Emil look shocked. Mikkel is yelling at Sigrun.
Sigrun steps back and LAUGHS. Her eyes shining. "Tuuri! See THERE's the kind of man you want, one who promises, (long pause, she licks her lips) foreplay!" She turns and walks away swinging her hips in an exaggerated manner, looking over her shoulder at Mikkel, waggling her eyebrows in an obviously overacted comic opera-sultry manner.
Tuuri and Emil, blush, beet red. Lalli looks confused, but nabs the flask from Emil and discreetly pockets it.
Mikkel – aghast, turns white at his fear and rage driven over-reaction -: " I didn't, I do.. I never... That's not.. you infuriating... WOMAN!" He’s obviously incoherent.
He stops, looks at the 3 left gawking.
"What are you three looking at? We need to pack up and go the fallback location. We need to clean up, decontaminate, and tomorrow we can come pick up the pieces here and check out that library. Assuming we've not attracted every other Troll in Copenhagen to this party. MOVE NOW."
Everyone starts to scurry about as Mikkel glowers, arms crossed. Still furious. Looking over the field of twitching blackened trolls.
