1
“What the hell, Lalli?” Emil’s voice was unpleasantly loud. “Why would you agree to another expedition?”
“For money.”
“You need money?”
“No. You do.”
Emil grimaced. “Yes, I do want to be rich, in the future, but… that’s me, not you.”
The casual statement struck Lalli with its logic. Emil was completely right: his future wasn’t Lalli’s business. Lalli had been stupid to assume it was.
Anyway, the expedition job wasn’t bad. He had enjoyed passing through Silent cities, quick and quiet, secure in his skills. And it would take him away from Mora, and the memory of his stupidity.
***
“I’m sorry, Emil.” Aunt Siv said. “I know you were hoping to see Lalli again. Such a shame he decided to visit new friends, instead.”
“If only we’d spoken on the radio more…”
“You know we needed the airtime to give the team updates on Known World news.”
“Speaking of news,” said Uncle Torbjörn. “Here’s a new article about you and Lina. ‘Fashionable Couple of the Season’.”
“We’re not a--” Actually, did that even matter now that Lalli had left him? His aunt and uncle were so supportive: if this mercenary romance made them happy, perhaps he should pursue it.
2
Lalli stepped out of the tank and towards the fire. The soup smelled good. He accepted a bowl with a nod and a yawn.
“Where are you headed tonight?” Hilde asked.
“West. Looking for a path towards the art galleries.”
“Our distracted day scout couldn’t find one, huh?” she laughed. “Small wonder. Look.”
Lalli followed her pointing finger towards two figures seated together on a log: their day scout, and their cleanser.
He lost track of Hilde’s words as his heart clenched. He’d spent ten years making the Silent World his own. Would he never be free of these memories?
***
At the opening of the new Ancient Art Wing of the Västerström Museum, Lina glittered among her admirers, Silent World jewels catching the light, while Emil perfected his charming host act. His parents would have been proud.
During the coach-ride home, however, he started wondering whether the laughter that followed his jokes was genuine, or sycophantic. And then Lina put her hand over his and… Was she between lovers, again? Well, Emil knew his duty.
He just doubted that he’d be able to perform it without evoking one of his precious ten-year-old memories. And he hated to cheapen them so.
3
Emil stared at the painting, horrified. “A man killed by arrows? Why would anyone...?”
“Ancient religious imagery.”
This trip to inspect the new art collection was supposed to clear Emil’s head, not fill it with nightmare fuel. And why was he being assisted by the returning team’s medic, and not its captain?
“Giant attack,” explained the medic. “We prevailed, but it took down the leadership, captain and head scout both.”
The room spun. Only one scout in the company held that title.
“Are they…?”
“They’re in the infirmary.”
Emil was halfway there when he realized he had left without explanation.
***
Lalli woke up staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. A glance around revealed an unfamiliar infirmary--and the familiar figurehead of Västerström Expeditions, asleep in an awkward-looking armchair.
As post-coma wish-fulfillment dreams went, this one seemed very obvious, especially once Emil stirred, blinked, and smiled, even brighter than in newspaper photos. When Lalli requested water, he almost tripped over himself to fetch it, and his touch as he helped Lalli sit up was as gentle as in Lalli’s memories.
Thirst quenched, Lalli leaned against Dream Emil’s shoulder. He knew the illusion would end soon, but for now he felt safe and hopeful.
4
The minute Emil spent sitting with Lalli’s head on his shoulder filled him with more joy than the previous decade of his life.
“Time to wake up,“ said Lalli quietly. His Swedish accent was unrecognizably good now, but the familiar, whispery voice still made Emil shiver.
Anyway, Lalli was right. It was time to wake up from the numb nightmare that was Emil’s current life. But first--why was Lalli squirming away, and swinging his feet onto the floor?
“Lalli, wait! Isn’t one of your legs--”
“Ah!” Lalli lay splayed on the floor, his expression a mixture of pain and surprise.
***
Soon the nurses arranged Lalli back on the bed. He was laying as comfortably as possible, but his face still betrayed pain. And more than that - Lalli didn't look much like the outdoorsy champion highlighted in Company advertising, portrayed in news articles, and described in his stellar performance reviews. Of course, he had always been slender, but now he looked like he'd been starving for years.
Emil’s secret Lalli-themed scrapbooks, though meticulously kept, had misled him. He had expected to find Lalli badly wounded, yes, but otherwise healthy. Competent, proud, even content. Not such a gaunt mask of long-time suffering.
5
Dream Emil had left. Of course he had, he never stayed. He couldn't, as he was just a figment of Lalli's imagination. A rare glimpse of what could have been. What Lalli had once imagined could have been, back when he was a young fool.
Stupid Dream Emil. Why couldn't Lalli keep him away? Why did he always have to appear, for a fleeting moment of happiness that always left Lalli longing for more? Longing for things that, he now understood, could never be.
His contract made sure he would never be really rich, no matter what treasures they found.
***
Lalli had a high fever. The leg wound was badly infected, and the company doctors were out of ideas. "Sorry sir, you asked to be notified of any changes in Hotakainen's condition. He’s getting worse.. He's… I fear we're out of options."
"Out of options? This is supposed to be the finest company hospital in Sweden!"
"We… I know you forbade this, but… we must amputate. He must lose his leg. Or his life."
"No! He would never forgive me… he wouldn’t agree to this, never. He lives for his scouting. It would kill him!"
"Not doing it will, soon."
6
"Madsen Medical."
"Put me through to Mikkel Madsen."
"I am sorry, Mr. Madsen doesn’t take calls."
"He'll take mine. This is Emil Västerström. Yes, that Västerström. Tell him it's a matter of life and death."
"Emil? What is it? I made it clear…" Mikkel was clearly annoyed.
"MIkkel, please don't hang up! It's not me, it's Lalli! I know you won't deal with Västerström Expeditions, and I don't blame you. But it's Lalli! Our doctors say he's dying, and losing his leg, and they can't do anything! Mikkel, you have to help!"
"Hrmh, how soon can you get him here?"
***
Emil's speedboat was ready within the hour. Sometimes, fame and fortune were useful!
Lalli remained unconscious throughout the journey, but his face turned greenish as they crossed the Baltic. Or was Emil imagining it? He definitely wasn’t imagining the leg, which was sickeningly red and yellow, even above the bandages.
Emil had just had an epiphany, and now this. He couldn't lose Lalli, and Lalli couldn’t lose a leg. Although, without a leg he wouldn't be able to run away to the Silent World again, so maybe... No, stop it, Emil, you horrible person. Not at such a price, never!
7
The heaving had stopped. For a while, it was as if the planks of Lalli’s haven had been shaken by a storm. Not a pleasant sensation. Almost like being on one of those stupid boats!
Now it was quiet again. Very, very quiet. Just the way Lalli liked it. The haven was darkened by its gnarly branches. In the perpetual shadow the water lilies that once thrived on his pond had died, ages ago.
Stupid lilies!
Coming to think of it, his water seemed to be off. It looked slimy, and stank. Should he worry? No, who cared. About anything.
***
"Well well, you weren't wrong this time.” Mikkel sighed. “It is very bad."
"But Madsen Medical is the finest hospital in the world. Surely you can help him? I’ll pay anything!"
"Some things cannot be bought, Emil. I was hoping you had learned that by now. Alas, I see I am mistaken."
"I didn't mean it like that. But this is Lalli. For him, I would--"
"Maybe… Our doctors don’t know about it, but I do have an ointment from Iceland. Sometimes it works… miracles, I suppose."
"How much is it?"
"It's free. Reynir sends it. You know, helping."
8
Reynir's ointment seemed to help. The angry colors receded on Lalli's leg, and his breathing was easier.
"Hmm, it’s definitely working. Actually, it's mainly intended for Norwegian and Icelandic patients, so I haven't really tested it on Finns. Interesting. I must send my notes to Reynir, he'll want to know."
"This is Lalli, not some interesting case! When will he wake up?"
"That I do not know. His leg seems to be healing now. But I'm still worried for his heart."
"Heart? Is there something wrong?"
"He got badly hurt some ten years ago. I don't think he's healed yet."
***
Lalli had been badly hurt before? Why hadn't Emil known? While he had been angry at the way Lalli had left him, he had been unable to stop keeping an eye on his welfare.
Could it have happened right before his wedding? He had been so busy back then, so focused on making the right impression on his new circle. He might have missed an update. And now Lalli was too weak to survive this injury, all because Emil had wanted to fit into ‘high society’, as if that mattered. As if anything mattered anymore, if Lalli were to die.
9
"A bit early for a midlife crisis, isn't it, darling?"
Lina's tone was acid. Emil regretted accepting the call. "What crisis?"
"Racing a speedboat across the Baltic! Honestly! And just a week before… Tell me you haven't forgotten?"
"Of course not, dear." Emil scoured his memory. "How could I forget… our tenth anniversary party?"
"It will be the event of the year. Everyone who’s anyone will be there. Including my beloved husband, of course.”
“I will… I will try.” Emil needed to go.
“Try? If you miss this, I will never forgive you."
Emil realized he couldn’t make himself care.
***
“Can you believe the nerve! Lina thinks I’m at her beck and call! As if she owned me.” Emil was livid.
“Actually, her ownership is considered common knowledge,” Mikkel responded calmly.
“By whom?”
“Reynir and myself, mostly. Sigrun calls you her trophy husband. Lalli never mentions you, ever.”
Emil’s head was spinning. Out of his many questions, he managed to blurt out, “You talk about me?” Mikkel sighed wearily. “Sorry, I mean… I didn’t know you kept in touch!”
“It is customary, between comrades in arms.”
“But I was there too! Why didn’t–”
“You were not interested in us commoners.”
10
At Lalli’s bedside, Emil sank into self-pity. Why had he been so…blind? Proud? Stupid? He had lost so much, without even noticing.
Lalli’s rejection had hurt, had made him distance himself from his friends to avoid painful reminders, but he had never intended to sever all ties. Only, somehow, he had done exactly that, embracing his new high life like the idiot he was.
And what did he have to show for it? An empty existence, an estranged wife, a circle of “friends” that meant nothing to him -- and cared about him even less.
Sobbing quietly, he took Lalli’s hand.
***
The water in Lalli’s pond looked better. The slime had cleared, and… there was a small rivulet of water flowing into it. That hadn’t been here before, he realized through his torpor. The water from the little brook felt warm when the current brought it to his hand, lying idly in the pond water.
The water brought with it a memory. A voice. A scent. A touch of soft golder hair. Stupid Dream Emil! This is my Haven! Let me be!
Lalli’s prone form sighed and muttered something. As Emil leaned closer, he thought he could make out “Stupid Emil”.
11
Initially, Mikkel had found Emil’s bedside vigil amusing and annoying. Typical Emil drama. Now, he was getting concerned.
“The nurses sent me here,” he told Emil.
“Why?” Emil’s eyes never left Lalli’s pale face. “I did shower, like they asked.”
Only after hearing that bad hygiene could harm the patient, apparently. “You need to eat and sleep, too.”
“But Lalli could wake up at any moment! I must be here. I need to tell him... so many things.”
“Like why you left him? No need. Everyone knows it was the money.”
“What? I didn’t leave him.”
Mikkel raised an eyebrow.
***
“So it was… a misunderstanding?” Reynir sounded overjoyed at the possibility.
“Based on what Emil says, yes.”
“You don’t believe him?”
“I do, but still, he–” No, Mikkel wouldn’t burden his charitable, forgiving friend with his ongoing misgivings. “Anyway, his wife keeps calling. He won’t answer, so she’s threatening to sue us for sheltering her errant husband.”
“Can she do that?”
“No. But she can divorce him.”
“That’s… good, isn’t it?”
“Emil thinks so. He wants out of the marriage, money be damned. He still has hospital bills to pay, though, so I got him a lawyer. A grateful ex-patient.”
12
Emil stumbled through the overgrown, unhealthy wood, desperate to find someone – but whom? The only person who mattered so much was Lalli, but Lalli was… ill. At Madsen Medical.
The memory jolted Emil awake, in his bedside chair. To his relief, Lalli was still unconscious.
Relief? He really was contemptible, with his selfish need to be there when Lalli woke. But he couldn’t let Lalli go. He had done so once before, out of self-pity and hurt pride, when he should have followed him, into the Silent World if need be.
This time, he would explain, and beg for forgiveness.
***
Lalli’s dream was restless. He felt a deep sadness, and Emil, nearby. Usually Dream Emil was a comforting, if fleeting, presence. A happy memory.
This time the familiar voice the wind carried through Lalli’s woods sobbed and wailed, as if Emil were afraid, or hurt, somewhere close. Why such a dream? Emil never needed to be scared, cocooned in his luxuries. Emil had all he wanted. Or… did he?
The emotion felt real and intense. Maybe he should check.
As Lalli sat up, he noticed something white in the water, near the new streamlet. The bud of a water lily?
