Source of inspiration (and a fair bit of the list) www.skippyslist.com (http://www.skippyslist.com). Still, apropos and quite funny.And the other half! https://tommyt.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/things-i-wasnt-allowed-to-do-in-the-navy/ (https://tommyt.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/things-i-wasnt-allowed-to-do-in-the-navy/)
http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html
And one for the RPG people.
I am not permitted to give nicknames.
Catnip is not allowed.
My proper military title is “Specialist Madsen” not “Princess Anastasia”.
Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
Not allowed to ask mages to perform black magic.
Not allowed to offer mages compensation for the same.
Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.
Not allowed to join the Trolls.
Not allowed to join any militia.
Not allowed to form any militia.
Rubbing alcohol is for medical use, and is not to be consumed.
Lighting fluid is for professional use, and is not to be consumed.
Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
God may not contradict any of my orders.
May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
Sock puppets may not contradict any of my orders.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
Not allowed to eat cookies at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
Not allowed to eat cookies at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
My title is “Specialist Madsen”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
I do not have super-powers.
Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
I am not the atheist chaplain.
I am not authorized to fire officers.
Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
“The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Madsen.
Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Sweden.
I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
Not allowed to make any "Psychological Warfare" products depicting the Dalsnes incident.
“Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
Psychological Warfare is not a valid tactic against trolls.
Woad is not camouflage makeup.
May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
May not conduct medical experiments on my chain of command.
“Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence.
I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
May not form any press gangs.
Must not start any Situation Report with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”
Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” trolls, game, or livestock.
May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
If the thought of something makes me smile, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
Nerve gas is not funny.
I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
The proper procedure while gassing a trolls nest is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
Troll nests are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.
I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, small children, or books.
Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and Swedish.
I am not authorized to change national policy.
I am not qualified to operate any Danish, Icelandic, Norwegian, or Swedish Armored vehicles.
I cannot trade my CO to the Trolls.
Burn pits for organic material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
I cannot arrest children for being rude.
I cannot arrest adults for being rude.
I am not authorized to perform arrests.
Tissue samples should not be stored in the barracks.
I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Icelandic, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
The above goes doubly for superior officers.
Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
“No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that an IV is acceptable.
“Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.
Cats are not authorized to countermand any orders.
“I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
The loudspeaker system is not to be used when confirming a diagnosis of a sensitive nature.
An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of an Icelandic uniform, messily drunk.
Even if my commander did it.
Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.
I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
Putting candy into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all at once while in formation is not funny.
Must not pass out DOA forms to new recruits, then insist they be filled out.
Must not refer to new recruits as "Troll bait."
Must not refer to new recruits as "Fresh meat."
Must not refer to new recruits as "Human sacrifice."
Must not engage with new recruits.
The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Madsen, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”
Teaching Icelandic children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
The revolution is not now.
When detained, I do not have a right to a strip search.
No part of the military uniform is edible.
Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
DNA samples obtained in the course of performance of duties are not for resale.
Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
Not allowed to “defect” to the trolls during training missions.
On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.
I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
My name is not a killing word.
I am not the Emperor of anything.
I am not the Emperess of anything.
Taunting Icelanders is not permitted.
Taunting Norwegians is not permitted.
Taunting Finns is not permitted.
Taunting Swedes is permitted, but only in moderation.
May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
I am not allowed to give tattoos.
I am not allowed to sing any song until verse 68 ever again.
Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
Must not valiantly push officers onto trolls to save the squad.
"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal.
Do not convince non-immune Non-Commissioned Officers that their razorbumps are an outbreak of rash.
Do not convince immune Non-Commissioned Officers that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
I am not allowed to preform an exorcism to repair a heating unit.
I am not allowed to request a mage to do the same.
I am not allowed to declare martial law.
I am not allowed to plant a Danish Flag on Swedish soil and claim that land for Denmark.
I am not allowed to order a class A cat.
I am not allowed to bypass written procedures to order a class A cat.
When clarifying why I ordered a class A cat, “to guard my cookies” is not a proper answer.
I am not allowed to tape an officer's hands together in order to prevent him from operating equipment, even if it is in the officer's best interests.
Using a flame thrower is not a permitted way to “one up” the guy that smacked me with a towel.
I am not allowed to yell, “Repel All Boarders” when my boss is trying to come aboard.
"Mother may I" is not the way to request permission for anything.
Saluting is not optional when I am taller than the officer.
I am not allowed to make up my own names for equipment. Explosives are not a “boomdy-booms”, a flamethrower is not a “portable dragon” and tanks are not “coffins”
I am not allowed to write my own names for equipment in the logs.
I am not allowed to settle a difference of opinion with my Chief by thumb wrestling.
I am not allowed to give newly reported personnel a detailed statistical analysis of how one of them will die within the next year. I am also not allowed to form a betting pool on which one of the new crew it would be.
I am not allowed to collect data for the ships logs telepathically.
I am not allowed to request mages to do the same.
I am not allowed to go to sick call because I have a “morale deficiency”.
I am not allowed to conduct substance abuse prevention training while intoxicated.
I am not allowed to, or offer to, “kiss it and make it feel better” as a medical procedure.
I am not allowed to substitute “nude” for the approved uniform in any situation.
I am not allowed to wake up any member of the crew with a fire extinguisher.
I am not allowed to use anti-contamination clothing as ski wear.
I am not allowed to write a prescription for “intelligence” for any Commanding Officer.
I am not allowed to refer to my chain of command as “the forces of evil”.
I am not allowed to talk to any member of the media.
I am not allowed to wake up a new crew member, spending his first night on a mission, while dressed in full anti-contamination clothing and yelling, “Holy %$#@! We have a survivor!”.
I am not allowed to use the excuse “demonic possession” for anything
I am not allowed to ask mages to validate the same
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER is it permissible to put on a fish tail and flop around the deck screaming, "I'M A $@#&ING MERMAID!"
http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html
And one for the RPG people.
May I suggest adding "I am not allowed to diagnose my superior officers with face cancer"?Not permitted to diagnose officers with illnesses that do not exist.
Not permitted to diagnose officers with illnesses that do not exist.YES GOOD.
Not permitted to diagnose anyone with illnesses that do not exist.
Not permitted to diagnose anyone with illnesses "in late stages of development".
Not permitted to work on new illnesses.
Not permitted to blackmail mages into doing same.
(If there had been any previous missions into the Silent Lands before, I'ld also add "not permitted to redirect missions so as to raid pre-Rash B weaponry sites".)
Not permitted to call "positive thinking" a cure-all medicine for actual ailments and conditions.
Not permitted to substitute any sort of invented placebo for actual medical treatment.
Not allowed to advise people to take up smoking on the grounds that "Tobacco's a herb, so it's practically medicine!"THESE ARE BRILLIANT, Y'ALL!!! Keep'em coming!
If someone advises me to "Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!", I shall not actually put it in my pipe and smoke it.
Shrapnel wounds do not count as "recieved in the line of duty" if they are the result of my "medicinal alcohol"-still exploding.
The medicinal alcohol I can draw from the medical depot is plenty potent, and there is no need for me to make my own.
A-HAHAHA! This is just fantastic! I love it!YES. *adds to list*
Heh. I read "There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Sweden" and it suddenly occurred to me...
Mikkel's the reason Tuuri thinks Swedes only have four toes on each foot, isn't he?
Applying tiger balm to the insides of protective gear is not funny.I actually had to look up tiger balm and MIKKEL NO.
Not allowed to use the phrase "Dare you" around Norwegians. They will always do it.
Not allowed to prescribe anyone medicinal alcohol for internal use.
"Could do with a stiff drink" is not a medical diagnosis.
And then Tuuri finds, on the very last page, written in the same handwriting as the rest of the notebook: "New job. All of these no longer apply."
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER is it permissible to put on a fish tail and flop around the deck screaming, "I'M A $@#&ING MERMAID!"I've been giggling throughout the whole thing but this one made me laugh. for obvious reasons
I actually had to look up tiger balm and MIKKEL NO.
Great, now I want to go to Denmark and find some Mikkel of my own and marry him if I want to die in peace!I have to say my favorite here is the final ban on proximity to superiors' belongings. I wonder what else he did to their things?.....
May I suggest?
I'm not allowed to diagnose people with EUS (Extreme Ugliness Syndrome), especially the female recruits.
I'm not allowed to perform esthetic facial surgery.
I'm not allowed to ask any mage to do it for me.
I'm not allowed to scream "Darn! Foiled again!". Ever.
I'm not allowed to put whoopie-cushions in the seats if my superiors.
I'm not allowed to be in the proximity of my superiors or their belongings ever again.
I have to say my favorite here is the final ban on proximity to superiors' belongings. I wonder what else he did to their things?.....
I think we've focused in the military part of his curriculum too much... I would love to know what "I'm not allowed"s he compiled during his time as a cook hehe
Any thoughts about that, my darlings?
In contrast to what I may think, "the fish is rotten" does not mean "only my boss may eat it".
The sheep is served best without wool.
Not allowed to hide wool in sheep meet.
Not allowed to give my acorns-allergic co-worker acorns just to see what would happen.
I shall never, ever, withhold my cookies from anyone.
I shall not demand anything even slightly illegal at the price of my cookies.
What is legal and what is illegal is decided by local law, not anything or anyone else.
Five course meal is not what my superior means when he says "snack". The opposite is also true.
Serving dishes with alcohol to sailors on duty is a terribad idea, regardless of the amusement it brings me and my colleagues.
Not allowed to tell visiting VIP that the dish is made of troll. Especially if the dish is made from troll.
Troll is not viable food.
Calling troll by any other name does not make it viable food.
Not allowed to cast exorcisms on troll to use it for cooking.
If my dish is moving on its own accord, I can safely assume that it's inedible.
Throwing food away is not wasting it if it tries to crawl out of the pot anyway.
Not allowed to throw the food away in my boss' bed, even if it looks just like him.
The dish I'm serving is not made from my co-workers.
Not allowed to call any dish "Soylent Green".
I hoped at least some of those are worthwhile.
A chef's hat is not part of military uniform, especially if it is over one metre tall.These are A: hilarious, B: brilliant, and C: added.
In contrast to what I may think, "the fish is rotten" does not mean "only my boss may eat it".
The sheep is served best without wool.
Not allowed to hide wool in sheep meet.
Not allowed to give my acorns-allergic co-worker acorns just to see what would happen.
I shall never, ever, withhold my cookies from anyone.
I shall not demand anything even slightly illegal at the price of my cookies.
What is legal and what is illegal is decided by local law, not anything or anyone else.
Five course meal is not what my superior means when he says "snack". The opposite is also true.
Serving dishes with alcohol to sailors on duty is a terribad idea, regardless of the amusement it brings me and my colleagues.
Not allowed to tell visiting VIP that the dish is made of troll. Especially if the dish is made from troll.
Troll is not viable food.
Calling troll by any other name does not make it viable food.
Not allowed to cast exorcisms on troll to use it for cooking.
If my dish is moving on its own accord, I can safely assume that it's inedible.
Throwing food away is not wasting it if it tries to crawl out of the pot anyway.
Not allowed to throw the food away in my boss' bed, even if it looks just like him.
The dish I'm serving is not made from my co-workers.
Not allowed to call any dish "Soylent Green".
I hoped at least some of those are worthwhile.
I hoped at least some of those are worthwhile.
In contrast to what I may think, "the fish is rotten" does not mean "only my boss may eat it".
The sheep is served best without wool.
Not allowed to hide wool in sheep meet.
Not allowed to give my acorns-allergic co-worker acorns just to see what would happen.
I shall never, ever, withhold my cookies from anyone.
I shall not demand anything even slightly illegal at the price of my cookies.
What is legal and what is illegal is decided by local law, not anything or anyone else.
Five course meal is not what my superior means when he says "snack". The opposite is also true.
Serving dishes with alcohol to sailors on duty is a terribad idea, regardless of the amusement it brings me and my colleagues.
Not allowed to tell visiting VIP that the dish is made of troll. Especially if the dish is made from troll.
Troll is not viable food.
Calling troll by any other name does not make it viable food.
Not allowed to cast exorcisms on troll to use it for cooking.
If my dish is moving on its own accord, I can safely assume that it's inedible.
Throwing food away is not wasting it if it tries to crawl out of the pot anyway.
Not allowed to throw the food away in my boss' bed, even if it looks just like him.
The dish I'm serving is not made from my co-workers.
Not allowed to call any dish "Soylent Green".
I hoped at least some of those are worthwhile.
From a fanfic I wrote a while ago that I've only just remembered:
I am not allowed to tie Admiral Olsen's beard braids to anything, including other parts of Admiral Olsen.
You gave me this mental image of Admiral Olsen waking up in his room only to find out that he's tied to everything with his hair and spending the next day untying himself because he doesn't want to cut this magnificent beardAlso, not allowed to send grossling hunters into superior's quarters talking about a "Drider infestation".
From a fanfic I wrote a while ago that I've only just remembered:
I am not allowed to tie Admiral Olsen's beard braids to anything, including other parts of Admiral Olsen.
;D :D ;D :D
You gave me this mental image of Admiral Olsen waking up in his room only to find out that he's tied to everything with his hair and spending the next day untying himself because he doesn't want to cut this magnificent beard, while Mikkel tries to make as much distance between himself and the Admiral as humanly possible...
And now I'm really curious about this fanfic of yours.
Also:
Not allowed to write fanfics about my superiors and co-workers.
Not allowed to put aforementioned fanfics where everyone can see them.
Also, not allowed to send grossling hunters into superior's quarters talking about a "Drider infestation".And now Olsen's reaction upon seeing Mikkel at his dock again seems rather tame....
And now I'm really curious about this fanfic of yours.
Shameless self-promotion intensifies: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3613659
Your shameless self-promotion is entirely justified. Even if sad, this story is great.
Some good ones I thought up:
Not allowed to send scouts through poison ivy and then claim they have the rash
Even if they are immune
Not allowed to switch the cleanser's dynamite with hair care products
Not allowed to use cleanser equipment for cooking
I am no longer allowed near any cleanser equipment
I may not ask cleansers to cook for me
I may not ask cleansers to do anything
I am no longer allowed near cleansers without supervision
Cats do not count, no matter how smart they are
Trolls are not pacified by an offering of billy goats
Giants do not go "fee-fi-fo-fum" and I am not allowed to make information pamphlets that say otherwise
Even if we did just fight a giant that said that.
Beasts are never "good eatin"
I am not the high priest of Loki and am not religiously obligated to put buckets of water over the door to the military conference room.
I am not allowed to become an ordained priest of Loki
I am not allowed to become an ordained priest of any god, deity, or supernatural entity.
Especially the Hiisi
Sir. Orc, you deserve a medalNot allowed to wear medals claimed to have been awarded by supernatural entities ("readers" included)
Rereading the things Mikkel is not allowed to do, I've been thinking... did they lower the discipline standards that much in Y90? Are they that desperate for conscripts? Because, if Mikkel did only one or two of those things in any this-age-army, he'd still be cleaning the bathroom floor with his tongue as a punishment! Well, he's jobless for a reason, but still...It's a mystery. Blackmail is my guess.
Blackmail is my guess.Are you suggesting that Mikkel keeps "finding" jobs around Denmark because Trond wouldn't like him to get hired to Norway? :D
Are you suggesting that Mikkel keeps "finding" jobs around Denmark because Trond wouldn't like him to get hired to Norway? :DThis is now fact.
Are you suggesting that Mikkel keeps "finding" jobs around Denmark because Trond wouldn't like him to get hired to Norway? :D
This is now fact.
New items for the list:
We do not need to blow up every bridge we come across in case there are trolls living under it.
Even if the last three or so did have trolls under them.
Goblins do not make excellent cobblers.
Giving gold rings to goblins will not make them mutter "my precious".
(Not mine)
Not allowed to change anyones uniform to Nazi Germany's military uniform even when I think it suits them better.
Not even when everyone thinks it suits them better.
Not allowed to operate helicopters.Not allowed near any jeeps driving officers around.
Not allowed to operate jet aircraft.
Not allowed to operate propeller aircraft.
Not allowed to operate flying vehicles of any sort.
Not allowed to convert non-flying vehicles to flying vehicles.
Not allowed to use catapults for above purpose.
Not allowed near airfields.
Not allowed near tank depots.
No longer allowed near the jeep garage.
Building a "Cat-a-pult" is neither a useful nor humane military tactic against Trolls.No longer allowed near beasts even approximating catness.
No longer allowed near Grade A cats.
No longer allowed near Grade B cats.
No longer allowed near cats of any kind.
No longer allowed near animals even approximating catness.
No longer allowed near beasts even approximating catness.Y'all are all such geniuses!
No longer allowed near animals of any kind.
Not allowed to wrap new crew members in blanket burritos and joke about eating them, because no one understands my sense of humor
'En hel skide flok' is not a valid response when asked for an enemy numbers report.Language!
Or for ANY numbers report.
Yes, this includes inventory.
...
No longer allowed near the armory.
Here's one!I must also not convince Icelanders that Denmark has vast coconut forests.
I may not use coconuts and say I am in a cavalry brigade.
If I procure coconuts, I must explain how I got tropical plant life in Scandinavia.
An artillery piece is not a toy.And ESPECIALLY not the tanks.
Neither are the grenade launchers.
Crippling one's team mates is right out.…even if it does improve team efficiency.
Grenades are NOT for fishing.What are you talking about? no, grenades are so effective - they must be built for fishing...
Grenades are NOT for fishing.
…even if it does improve team efficiency.
No longer allowed near metal pipes of any kind.Not allowed to remove the barracks' plumbing, either.
Only vaguely related, but I'm currently earwormed by the concept of a roomful of dwarves singingoh god you've gotten me too
That's what Mikkel Madsen hates (http://"http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/Blunt_the_Knives_(song)")
So carefully, carefully with the plates!
oh god you've gotten me too
*hums along, grimly*
When the mage says there are hostile ghosts, cannot suggest calling the ghostbustersMay not warn others to "not cross the streams".
Humming the ghostbusters theme will not, in fact, repel hostile spirits
Mutiny is not permitted.
I am not allowed to end speeches with "Carthage must fall".
I am not allowed to end sentences with "Carthage must fall".
I am not allowed to substitute "Iceland" or "Reykjavík" for "Carthage".
I am not allowed to comment on the desirability of the destruction of any nation or city, former or extant, unless it is relevant to the matter at hand.
I am not allowed to make decisions regarding the relevance of destruction on city or nation wide scales.
I am not allowed to alter historical documents to indicate that I have permission to launch city or nation-wide destruction campaigns
I am not allowed to alter historical documents to indicate that I have been granted future sight by divine entities to persuade my commanding officers to launch city or nation-wide destruction campaigns
I am no longer allowed within a thirty meter radius of the Reykjavik Historical Archives.
I am no longer allowed within the grounds of Reykjavik Historical ArchivesI may not coerce others into entering the Reykjavik Historical Archives in my stead.
I may not coerce others into entering the Reykjavik Historical Archives in my stead.
The five above rules also apply to the Mora Historical Archives.
There is neither a Blood God nor a Skull Throne, and they do not require either blood or skulls, respectively.
I am not allowed to yell 'Just as Planned!' when something goes horribly wrong.
I am not the High Priest of the following deities:
Zeus, Dionysus, Poseidon, Khorne, Ares, Aphrodite, Baal, Ishtar, Slaanesh, Yahweh, The Golden Emperor, Cthulu, Mars, Hypnos, Arceus, Nurgle, Om, Terry Pratchett, any form of Greater Demon, or Tzeentch.
This applies to all deities not on this list.
I am not allowed to make up new deities to worship.
I approve of Terry Pratchett being a deity! And Mikkel would be sooo into the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
There is neither a Blood God nor a Skull Throne, and they do not require either blood or skulls, respectively.
I am not allowed to end speeches with "Carthage must fall".
I am not allowed to end sentences with "Carthage must fall".
I am not allowed to substitute "Iceland" or "Reykjavík" for "Carthage".
I am not allowed to comment on the desirability of the destruction of any nation or city, former or extant, unless it is relevant to the matter at hand.
I am not allowed to make decisions regarding the relevance of destruction on city or nation wide scales.
I must not prank the new recruits during target practice with ketchup and a convincing death rattle.Neither am I the last unicorn, and I will stop referring to myself as such.
I must not fake amnesia to get out of duties including target practice, clean-up, cooking and patrol
I am not the last Mohican and will stop referring to myself as such
Neither am I the last dragon and will stop referring to myself as such
Neither am I Batman and will stop referring to myself as such
'Troll' is not a language, and I am not allowed to list it as such in my resume.
Ominous booming thunder should not be heard after my name is spoken.
I am not allowed to ask mages for help with the above action.
(As inspired by one of the other threads a week or so back)
The "M" in the Gender section of my papers stands for "Male" not "Mikkel", and I may not claim otherwise.
A punch in the teeth is not the traditional greeting of my peopleI am not allowed to challenge my superior officers to a "slap fight to the death"
(As inspired by one of the other threads a week or so back)Brilliant.
The "M" in the Gender section of my papers stands for "Male" not "Mikkel", and I may not claim otherwise.
'En hel skide flok' is not a valid response when asked for an enemy numbers report.
Or for ANY numbers report.
Yes, this includes inventory.
...
No longer allowed near the armory.
I will surrender my duelling glove to the relevant authorities within the week
There are no circumstances under which I am permitted to construct a katzenklavier.
Not even using Grade C Felines.
I am not allowed to substitute the Grade C Felines with new recruits, even the under-performing new recruits
I am not a superior life form
I am not secretly an alien come to observe how humans survive an apocalypse
I am not a higher consciousness, nor is my 'true form' a cloud of sentient gas
I am not allowed to appropriate the megaphone to announce 'ALL HAIL THE GLOW CLOUD.'
I am not allowed to appropriate Admiral Olsen for the same purpose.
I am not allowed to drop the corpses of fully grown lions on people who displease meI shall never again explain in great detail how to turn a maggot-infested animal corpse I found decomposing someplace into a somewhat safe gag prop to my superiors, even if they ask for it.
I will explain where and when I procured the aforementioned cadaver
Flashcards are not an appropriate way to express my emotionsEven if the cards are more accurate than my body language.
Even if the cards are more accurate than my body language.
I am not allowed to communicate my emotions through interpretative dance
I am not, and never have been, in a tribe, and cannot wear my tribe's ceremonial garb during my interpretive dance. [Or any time at all]I may not start a new tribe for myself to be in.
I do not have an "alignment".
I must obey all orders given to me even if they will "violate my alignment" and result in an "xp penalty".
Instructions given to me by my superiors are orders not "quests", and must be referred to as such.
I may not start a new tribe for myself to be in.
I may not fill any of my superiors' offices with ping-pong balls.
I will explain, in detail, where exactly I got enough ping-pong balls to fill Admiral Olsen's office.
For gods' sake, I will pick up all those ping-pong balls before someone slips on one and breaks their neck.
I may not bribe or blackmail anyone into picking up the ping-pong balls for me.
Even if one of the mages could do it faster than I can.
'Nap time' is not on the roster and I should stop claiming it is and drugging people who annoy meI will explain just how I managed to steal the smoke bomb from the Cleansers.
I will explain where I obtained the sedatives
When called before my superiors, I will not end a discussion with a smoke bomb and a speedy abscond
"But we've been through this already" is not an adequate reason to avoid routine tasks such as taking inventory.Nor is "thrice this night even".
I am to surrender all materials concerning the pre-Rash fictional epic "Star Trek" to my immediate superiors.Non of the ships or boats are named "The Starship Enterprise"
I am not allowed to claim that works of fiction from the Old World are actually true.Nor am I allowed to claim that any work of fiction from the Old World is actually a prophecy from an ancient mage.
The admiral is not a system lord, I will treat him with respect due his station.
I am not, have not been, and will never be a member of the tok'Ra.
I may not inform visiting Finns, Norwegians and Icelanders that they worship false gods.
I may not say "indeed" in a cryptic fashion.
I am not, and have never been a "first prime", no matter what I paint on my forehead.
Mikkel is no longer allowed to use his Galaxy Note to play Pokemon Go while in the Silent World.
(https://66.media.tumblr.com/2a6d5f74df7b2185a6a103368a0d5994/tumblr_od8we4kC2w1t7y48to1_400.jpg)
"I was playing Pokémon Go" is not a valid excuse for breaking into your superior's office.
"There was a Dragonite" is not a valid excuse for breaking into your superior's office.
"There was a Mewtwo", however, is, but not for Mikkel.
We don't know how you found that software, or how you managed to manufacture the devices for playing it, but we must ask that you stop distributing them among base personnel. Five people have walked into walls already, and at least two now think trolls are a rare breed of these 'Pokemon'.I shall hand the servers over to the specialist team so that they can fix the presence of Pokémon
I shall hand the servers over to the specialist team so that they can fix the presence of Pokémon
- generally away from areas that need to be protected from enemy forces
- in showers and toilets
- in the beds of my superiors
It is not appropriate to take revenge upon my superiors because of this.The Godfather is not a documentary and I am not allowed to tell the skalds otherwise.
I should not leave severed horse heads in their beds, even if they are made of papier-mache and corn syrup
No one understands my cinematic references
The Godfather is not a documentary and I am not allowed to tell the skalds otherwise.
I do not have a daughter
Therefore no one is able to disrespect me on the day she is to be married
I may not claim one of my younger female siblings is said daughter
I will stop smuggling my youngest siblings onto the base. A military base is no place for preteens
He took too long, and the others had to help him.
Things Mikkel is no longer allowed to do: Stack chairs
Sabaton is not a direct historical source.
I am not allowed to organize heavy metal concerts to play at 3 in the morning in the residential district.
Sabaton is not a direct historical source.
I am not allowed to organize heavy metal concerts to play at 3 in the morning in the residential district.
A fellow Sabaton fan! Huzzah!
I am not allowed to look for the trollified remnants of band members for the purpose of giving free concerts. Don't force us to reveal the details of Operation Hammerfall.
A fellow Sabaton fan! Huzzah!
I am not allowed to look for the trollified remnants of band members for the purpose of giving free concerts. Don't force us to reveal the details of Operation Hammerfall.
Not allowed to teach trolls to play musical instruments... again.I am not allowed to use the remains of trolls as musical instruments.
I am not allowed to use the remains of trolls as musical instruments.
Or live trolls for that matter. (That may be a rule already though.)
Not allowed to get a little girl to tell new recruits "they mostly come out at night... mostly." For 'Trolls and you 101', even though the information is accurate the presentation is incredibly unnerving.
Additionally, there are better ways to inform my colleagues that their flies are unzipped than pointing and saying "My god! It's full of stars!"
Additionally, there are better ways to inform my colleagues that their flies are unzipped than pointing and saying "My god! It's full of stars!"I will explain where I got this picture, and remove it from the places where our cats tend to gather.
I will explain where I got this picture, and remove it from the places where our cats tend to gather.
(https://i.imgflip.com/azpak.jpg)
I am not allowed to communicate only with memes.
I may not refer to my superiors as "uncultured swine" for weeks after they not only prevent me from communicating only with memes but also have the nerve to ask me what a meme actually is.
Pictures of frogs are not a substitute for currency, no matter how 'rare' these 'pepes' are.
I am not allowed to ride a unicycle into camp saying "here comes dat boi !!"I will explain, in detail, where I got that unicycle.
I am not allowed a unicycle for any reason.
I do not have CHIM and I cannot just 'handwave' a unicycle into existence.
I am not allowed to list any fellow workers as '@#$!!ing ripped' in my reports, even though she is, I swear it, and I am terrified,
I am not allowed to refer to Sigrun as a 'bara waifu'.Even if I tell her what that is.
Especially now that she knows what that is.
I am to no longer attempt to teach Sigrun the subtleties of sarcasm in, as the admiral put it, "a fashion of trial by fire", especially while giving her important information.
I will not change places with my twin brother...I will not disguise myself with a long blond wig and pretend to be Mikkela, the female member of the "Madsen Triplets." I do not have an identical twin sister, and I never did.
(I had a loooooong and funny while thinking of the possibilities)
I may not blame the existence of my twin on "hideous secret genetic experiments conducted by the Y90 military as it gets more and more desperate".I may not blame the Y0 military either.
This order shall stand even during those times I am not in the military's employ.
I am not permitted to substitute 'of doom' with 'de la muerte'.
I will explain what 'de la muerte' means.
I will explain how and where I learned the old world language known as 'Spanish'
The board game ouja is in fact not "fun for the whole family living and dead" and is considered a mild annoyance to the local spirits at best.Not allowed to consult dead family members' counsel using it anymore.
I will not disguise myself with a long blond wig and pretend to be Mikkela, the female member of the "Madsen Triplets." I do not have an identical twin sister, and I never did.
I will not use my succession of look-alike siblings to pretend to be me, with varying amounts of padding and wigs, and assume my dutiesI will not use my succession of look-alike siblings to pretend to be Admiral Olsen.
I will stop smuggling my younger siblings onto the base, particularly Mille, as she steals ammunition and speaks only in shouts
I will not use my succession of look-alike siblings to pretend to be me, with varying amounts of padding and wigs, and assume my duties
I will stop smuggling my younger siblings onto the base, particularly Mille, as she steals ammunition and speaks only in shouts
I will not use my succession of look-alike siblings to pretend to be Admiral Olsen.
…Particularly Mille.
My siblings are longer allowed on base at any time, for any reason.
…Particularly Mille.
I will stop stacking my younger siblings on top of one another, concealing the resulting tower under a trench coat, and having them distract security while I sneak in unnoticed.
I am not allowed to use Rocky as a training video for "Troll Boxing"
I am not allowed to use Rocky II as a training video for "Troll Boxing"
I am not allowed to use any of the Rocky movies as a training video for "Troll Boxing"
I will inform my superiors as to where I got these videos, as well as a dvd player
I am not allowed to continue hosting "Troll Boxing"
I am not allowed to even mention "Troll Boxing"
"Troll Boxing" is not the national sport of Denmark
"Troll Boxing" was never, at any point, the national sport of Denmark.Marco Trollo is not a fun water activity
Neither was "Troll Rodeo".
"Troll Boxing" is not the national sport of Denmark
It's much easier and more environmentally friendly to put them in bags rather than boxes.I shall use military-issued body bags for the purpose and not Christmas gift paper bags.
I shall use military-issued body bags for the purpose and not Christmas gift paper bags.
I am not allowed to use pillaged Chinese-food takeaway boxes from Feng's Noodle House to transport troll remains, even if it is technically recycling.
I am not allowed to use pillaged Chinese-food takeaway boxes from Feng's Noodle House to transport troll remains, even if it is technically recycling.
I will stop storing troll remains in the break-room fridge in these aforementioned boxes, because it is both unhygienic and disgustingI am no longer allowed to use pillaged Chinese-food takeaway boxes from Feng's Noodle House for any purpose.
I may not use clods prised from the tank treads as 'special spice mix' in my Yule biscuits.
I may not use actual sand in my sandkakker.
Here are my ideas. Warning: I'm equally okay with Emil and Lalli being friends or a couple and it shows in some of these
I am not allowed to make wanted posters for Emil Västerström's former private tutors claiming them to be high-end scammers.
Even if I know a Finnish skald that is more educated than him.
I am not allowed give Tuuri Hotakainen a fake pregnancy diagnosis based on her abdomen looking "more pronounced than usual"
Especially if any male friends of hers are in the room.
Even if I suspect that particular friend to be more interested in her male cousin.
Even if the incident revealed that the friend in question actually does not know how children happen.
I am not allowed to give the Talk tosheltered twenty year old Icelandic sheep herdersanyone.
I am not habilitated to officiate weddings nor blood brother ceremonies.
Captain Eide may be habilitated for both, but they are still invalid if peformed while both parties are asleep.
Or if only one party is asleep.
"So, what are we all doing here ?" is a bad sign when spoken by a blood brother or groom to be.
Especially if the person speaking these words is not named Lalli Hotakainen.
Emil Västerström and Lalli Hotakainen shall not be pushed into a lifetime union of any kind until they speak each other's languages.
Six words does not count as speaking the language.
Even if three of them were "I love you".
Due to precedents in not understanding what is going on, Lalli Hotakainen will be explained the concept of marriage.
In a language in which he actually speaks.
More than six words.
Even if I managed to make an explanation only using the six words in question.
Here are my ideas....
Here are my ideas. Warning: I'm equally okay with Emil and Lalli being friends or a couple and it shows in some of these
I am not allowed to make wanted posters for Emil Västerström's former private tutors claiming them to be high-end scammers.
Even if I know a Finnish skald that is more educated than him.
I am not allowed give Tuuri Hotakainen a fake pregnancy diagnosis based on her abdomen looking "more pronounced than usual"
Especially if any male friends of hers are in the room.
Even if I suspect that particular friend to be more interested in her male cousin.
Even if the incident revealed that the friend in question actually does not know how children happen.
I am not allowed to give the Talk tosheltered twenty year old Icelandic sheep herdersanyone.
I am not habilitated to officiate weddings nor blood brother ceremonies.
Captain Eide may be habilitated for both, but they are still invalid if peformed while both parties are asleep.
Or if only one party is asleep.
"So, what are we all doing here ?" is a bad sign when spoken by a blood brother or groom to be.
Especially if the person speaking these words is not named Lalli Hotakainen.
Emil Västerström and Lalli Hotakainen shall not be pushed into a lifetime union of any kind until they speak each other's languages.
Six words does not count as speaking the language.
Even if three of them were "I love you".
Due to precedents in not understanding what is going on, Lalli Hotakainen will be explained the concept of marriage.
In a language in which he actually speaks.
More than six words.
Even if I managed to make an explanation only using the six words in question.
...
If I refer to Sigrun as a 'waifu' one more time, the reprimand will be severe and injurious
I will stop changing Emil's surname on paperwork from 'Vasterstrom' to 'Hotakainen'
I will stop changing Reynir's surname to Hotakainen on paperwork.
If I do, I'll have to specify which member of the family he's supposed to have ended up with.
"He hit it off with the ninety year old grandmother" is not the right answer to the shipping wars among the skalds.
I have no right to dissolve the Reynir/Lalli faction of shippers among the skalds.
Even if I was at Emil and Lalli's engagement party just a few days ago.
In honor of something that came up in the art museum a couple weeks ago:
I will not slip jägerdraught in Admiral Olsen's ale.
Even if it took two weeks for anyone to notice that he had mutated into a green-skinned, pointy-eared, tusk-bearing, loud and blood thirsty super-soldier.
I will not slip the substance in Captain Eide's drink either.
Even if it took a visit from Lalli Hotakainen one month later for someone to notice that there was "something weird" about her.
I will explain how I managed to even make jägerdraught.
Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel.
Actually on that subject...
* I shall not teach Icelanders the Danish for "You have offended my honour and I demand satisfaction" under the pretence that it constitutes a friendly greeting.
I will also tell him about the ten pending duels he has in Dalsnes and try to get as many as I can canceledConvincing the Dalsnesians to team up and duel Reynir all at once does not qualify as "getting the other nine duels cancelled".
.
* I shall not teach Icelanders the Danish for "You have offended my honour and I demand satisfaction" under the pretence that it constitutes a friendly greeting.
Now we just need something to rhyme with 'silver'
Closest I've heard is 'door-hinge'.If it only has to rhyme, wouldn't stuff from "lozenge" to "shooting range" to "mange" qualify as well?
If it only has to rhyme, wouldn't stuff from "lozenge" to "shooting range" to "mange" qualify as well?
According to Google the only exact rhyme in English for 'orange' is 'sporange', which is a very rare alternative form of 'sporangium', which is apparently part of a fern.
Any and all riddle contests must be conducted in languages spoken by the majority of those participating.
'Hurple purple hath a red girdle
A stone in his belly, a stick up his arse.
And yet hurple purple is never the worse.'
Can you guess the answer?
Close but not quite! I've heard two versions of the answer. In Scotland it's a ripe hawthorn berry, in the Borders and Northumbria it's a ripe sloe fruit (otherwise known as blackthorn). Both plants have a purplish-red fruit when ripe, and both are gnarly twisty little trees, especially in the winds of the Highlands, (hence the 'hurple'). The stick is the stem, the stone is the seed.
According to Google the only exact rhyme in English for 'orange' is 'sporange', which is a very rare alternative form of 'sporangium', which is apparently part of a fern.This starts to sound like the English language chose to almost invent new, single-use phonemes/pronunciation to name that one fruit. I like the Dutch approach of naming it sinaasappel (literally "Chinese apple") a lot better now. :P
"curple" which means the hindquarters of a horse.... muh? How did U and R come to swap their places (WRT croup(e)/Kruppe)?
I am supervising the recreation period of the non-immune civilian in quarantine, not "taking the mage for walkies."I made the ugliest noise
Dear dog, how did you come up with so many things?
I told you, I told you! ;D??? I must know what you are speaking of
(Rachel McG on disqus)
??? I must know what you are speaking of
•I will not imply or state that Lalli is an "animal person" and has "invited the madness" by biting Reynír.
•I will not refer to Emil as "just some guy", or as Lalli's "not-friend" since they are apparently actually friends.
•I will surrender all material pertaining to the pre-Rash horror comic "Wilde Life" immediately.
•I will explain how I obtained the aforementioned material and how I managed to learn to read English.
•Thunder Children do not exist, and even if they did, there would not be any in Denmark.
(Inspired by a comment thread on disqus)
hahaha yes! :)) I love the idea of some sort of Wilde Life crossover, that comic is great!Oh good grief, don't tempt me! I've got at least three other au ideas I'm neglecting.
Oh good grief, don't tempt me! I've got at least three other au ideas I'm neglecting.
I am no longer allowed to communicate through the majesty of danceMeanwhile, the other members of the expedition-to-be wait for the arrival of their crewmate Mikkel, who is delayed by be(e)ing stung by his CO.
I am not part bee, therefore this demand is not discriminatory against my ethnic background
I will cease making that unending buzzing noise whenever I move
I am not required to consume flowers or other nectar-producing plants every 15 minutes
I am not allowed to carry a needle to simulate the sensation of a sting, nor administer this when someone irritates me
I will stop tormenting those among my colleagues who are allergic to bees by threatening them with a fatal dose of my 'genuine bee venom' if they incur my wrath
I am no longer allowed to communicate through the majesty of dance
I am not part bee, therefore this demand is not discriminatory against my ethnic background
I will cease making that unending buzzing noise whenever I move
I am not required to consume flowers or other nectar-producing plants every 15 minutes
I am not allowed to carry a needle to simulate the sensation of a sting, nor administer this when someone irritates me
I will stop tormenting those among my colleagues who are allergic to bees by threatening them with a fatal dose of my 'genuine bee venom' if they incur my wrath
There are better way to hide the fact that I'm briging a cat back from the Silent World than convincing my employers that they are hallucinating it.I am not allowed to call anyone "backup food supply".
It's "cooking duty" not "food duty". Especially if it's being assigned to anyone that I have called "backup food supply" on previous occasions.
I am not allowed to call anyone "backup food supply".
...<i>Especially</i> the civilians.
...Even if they agree.
I am not allowed to use the phrase "backup food supply".
...Or "emergency rations".
The Blessed Felines are our friends and allies and are not to be used as dust mops.
...Or rug beaters.
I am not allowed to tell those assigned to me to use the Blessed Felines in the aforementioned manner.
I will personally clean up all the bloodstains resulting from my violations of the above.
It is known as "the Silent World" for good reason; therefore, I am not allowed to use noisemakers of any type.
I will explain exactly where and how I obtained a working air-horn.
Blasting an air-horn at someone from behind does <i>not</i> cure "cranial-rectal inversion".
There is no "cranial-rectal inversion epidemic" in the Danish Army.
...Or the Danish Navy.
I am not allowed to shave the cats unless specifically ordered to do soI just gave myself a nosebleed from laughing so hard. Very funny!
If ordered to shave the cats I shall do the job properly and not 'improvise'
Even in an attempt to 'raise morale through humour' (https://i-cdn.embed.ly/1/display?key=fd92ebbc52fc43fb98f69e50e7893c13&url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fzixh85akiwwy.jpg)
I am not allowed to refer to my superiors as 'dude'I am really really seriously not allowed to mutter something along the lines of "but those're all dudes" as my company approaches a minefield.
I am not allowed to refer to my superiors as 'Mr/Ma'am Dude', or 'Sir dude' or add 'dude' to any honorific
I will not put "Only you can prevent forest fires" posters in cleanser barracks.
I will not tell people that mere proximity of a cleanser can start a fire.
The above applies to mages as well.
I will not tell people that the leading local cause of fires is my employer trying to cook.
Even if everyone knows this to be true.
Whentaking the mage for walkiessupervising the civilian's recreation time I will not make him wear a leash
I will not arrange for Torbjörn and Reynir to bump into each other to see for how long they can aplogize to each other.
I will not organize overprotectiveness contests between Onni, Emil and Reynir's older siblings.
Especially if the props include Tuuri, Lalli, Reynir, a large quantity of rope and a pool of hungry piranhas.
I will explain where I found piranhas.
If these piranhas are really my pets, I shouldn't have starved them in the first place.
I will not name my pet piranhas after my collegues, current or former.
I will stop bringing 'Commander Fishgrun' to my meetings in a fishbowl. She makes everyone else around me feel menaced and uncomfortable.Sigrun Eide is not a member of the Danish military, therefore:
Sigrun Eide is not a member of the Danish military, therefore:
I will not threaten new recruits with "the wrath of Sigrun"
...or my peers
...and certainly not my superiors
...even if it is the mostbesteffective motivator.
I will stop enlisting Sigrun Eide to stand behind me and stare down my seniors when I am attempting to obtain something from themI will stop being out of uniform most of the time, and explain where I found a print shop making me a t-shirt with Sigruns larger-than-life staring face on it.
I will not use a pink, grey and orange marker on sleeping cadets in quarantine.
I will not create false sores on sleeping cadets in quarantine with only markers and oatmeal.
I will immediately explain how I broke quarantine without breaking any of the quarantine tamper seals as that is an important security problem.
Furthermore, I will divulge the supplier of my seemingly endless supply of oatmeal that is somehow not affecting the institution's own supply
While it is fascinating that I captured a troll that is both non-hostile and secretes oatmeal, sadly "captain quaker" needs to be put down.I shall cooperate with the Öresundsbro base's quartermaster, who has recently grown a suspicion why a fifteen-stories-high ex-oil-drilling-platform supposedly has only three decks to offer for him to use.
Or of course her ghost might take up residence in one of the big shiny tanks she so admired at the beginning of the story....Not to mention a bajillion other gimmicks of Öresundbro base, from dozens of radios to elevators to everything making up the Dalahästen terminal ...
Not to mention a bajillion other gimmicks of Öresundbro base, from dozens of radios to elevators to everything making up the Dalahästen terminal ...
Radio Geezer: "Are those trolls talking to us in Finnish now!?"
Radio Geezer: Where's that scout? The one that speaks Finnish. Somebody fetch him!
Lalli: Yes sir?
Radio Geezer: see if you can decipher this
Radio Ghost Tuuri: ...did the watermelon say to the pomengranate that sneaked up on it? "I didn't seed you there!"
Lalli: Nothing to worry about, except that I'm on my way to murder Officer Madsen. I'll need that wrench.
I wish someone would illustrate some of these.I am not allowed to illustrate the things I am not allowed to do...
I am not allowed to illustrate the things I am not allowed to do...
...or demonstrate.
(Windy is encouraged to illustrate them, however.)
Windy thanks you for your encouragement, but must back down from the obligation as she has neither skill nor time to do it.She is, however, willing to reconsider the proposal if she is still alive next week.
Noooooo Windy needs to stay alive because we need more Windy arts!
Noooooo Windy needs to stay alive because we need more Windy arts!The Danish admirality would like to stress that this order neither comes from them, nor fits the thread's topic / addressee.
(Thanks, Grade E Cat, for this one.)Any magical tainting of my own food is my own fault for disobeying the above.
I will not tell the mages that the food is magically tainted.
I will not pretend to magically taint the food in any way.
I will not insist that the only test to see if food is magically tainted is to have a mage eat it first.
I will not shove snowballs down the back of my commanding officer's jacket.
I will not shove snowballs down the back of my subordinates' jackets.
I will not shove snowballs down the back of anyone's jacket.
Nor down the front of anyone's jacket.
Nor down anyone's pants, boots, or other articles of clothing.
I will not bring snowballs within arm's reach of any other person.
I will relinquish all snowballs currently in my possession, effective immediately.
I will not make more snowballs.
I am not allowed to breed new kinds of trolls "just because I thought Troll Totoros would be cute"
I am not allowed to spread unspecified rumors that there is “something fishy” about the dargrenning program
I am not allowed to tell anyone that the dargrenning program is part of an organization that is attempting to domesticate trolls as household pets and work animals through a selective multi-generational breeding program.
I am not allowed to advise recruits who are considering starting a family against using the dargrenning program
I am under no circumstances to “mention in passing” that the dargrenning program and its parent company has notoriously bad organization and record-keeping problems. Stories of accidental troll-human hybrids are particularly off limits. Especially if they involve Admiral Olsen.
I am not allowed to advise recruits who are in need of some quick cash to capture trolls alive and sell them. I am especially not allowed to use the phrase “the dargrenning company is always buying.”
I am not allowed to defend myself in court against the dargrenning program in a libel case by claiming that I was blackmailed by a rival company. I am not allowed to point to my commanding officer as being associated with said rival company. I am not allowed to jump from the stands screaming “it’s all a conspiracy!” in the insuring chaos.
I am not allowed to mention the dargrenning program in the context of conspiracies, troll-breeding, or otherwise malicious and inapplicable subjects ever, ever again, as required by law.
I am not allowed to market these as Roombas.Nor for cosmetic purposes (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_fish#Spa_resorts).
I am not allowed to claim that the dargrenning program makes the embryos immune by adding cat genetic material to them, then promptly point in Lalli Hotakainen's general direction.I am not allowed to continue misspelling "dagrenning (https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/dagrenning)" as "dargrenning" to prevent people from finding any background information other than the one I planted beforehand.
Nah, JoB: I suspect that their teeth just aren't suitable for ichthyotherapy! Not to mention that they are are an unsuitable species!I am not allowed to promote other "improved" cosmetic procedures, nor to claim that "the incompatibility must lie on the client's side" ever again.
I am not allowed to continue misspelling "dagrenning (https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/dagrenning)" as "dargrenning" to prevent people from finding any background information other than the one I planted beforehand.
I am not allowed to claim that it should be "dar..." so as "to better reflect the 'dark' and 'daring' aspects" I previously claimed them to have.
Fascinating! I'm amazed at some of the stuff you find.Me too. I was actually trying to find an online copy of the apocryphal story about an astrophysics professor who was surprised seeing the students who had come to the first lecture of that semester's course, only to find that the university calendar had its title misprinted as "cosmetic rays", but a factual one was even better. 8)
I should've known I’d misspell it >:( oh well, no point in going back and changing it now ;D
Should I end up doing any of the above anyway, I should avoid doing it within earshot of people who already have family members born out of the dargrenning program.I shall not build a time machine, go back Emil Vasterstrom's conception, and arrange a marriage between him and Lalli Hotakainen "in the spirt of Swedish-Finnish relations".
I am not allowed to claim that the dargrenning program makes the embryos immune by adding cat genetic material to them, then promptly point in Lalli Hotakainen's general direction.
"Especially not while in quarantine."Speaking of which ...
Speaking of which ...I will not, I repeat not use said cells as recording studios.
I will not try to shut up my superior, not even when her rambling threatens to bless us all with repeated penal doublings of our quarantine time.
I will not do a standup Admiral Olsen parody to drown her out, either.
I will not parody Admiral Olsen, period.
I will refrain from any "public" display until we're out of these huddled-together non-soundproof quarantine cells.
I will not encourage the mission cat to carry squirrels using her military collar as a saddle.I will not encourage the mission cat to wear a pair of boots.
I will not encourage the mission cat to wear a 'uniform' cape.
I will not encourage the mission cat to wear a pair of boots.I will not refer to the mission cat as "Puss in Boots", either.
If I am ever invited to spend a few days in a colleague's family home, I am to stay out of the kitchen unless I'm in there to eat.I am not allowed to make a barbecue pit.
I am not allowed to get around the above by working in the kitchen with a piece of bread in my mouth. Or a cookie. Make that literally any food I could pull that trick with.
I am not allowed to improvise a kitchen in another room in the house either.
I am not allowed to make a barbecue pit.... out of the pit they call home. :P
... out of the pit they call home. :PAny form of barbecue is forbidden.
Any form of barbecue is forbidden.So is "I wanted to prepare the sauna for our Finns, and accidentally left some meat on the stove I had turned up a tad high".
So is "I wanted to prepare the sauna for our Finns, and accidentally left some meat on the stove I had turned up a tad high"."Emil does weird things when Lalli catches food" is not an excuse, and not only because that sheep was not killed by a rifle or knife.
Especially when someone obviously turned the roast halfway through.
I will return the TARDIS immediately.
I will explain where I got that parrot and how I managed to hide it all this time.
Laughing because it's quite popular to speculate mysterious characters are time lords on TV Tropes, and "Mikkel is a timelord" was already on SSSS's "Wild mass guessing" page when I got into the comic.I live to make laughter.
(Actual credit goes to wavewright62 and Purple Wyrm)I shall explain to my superiors how I managed to find out about not-publicly-known concepts from the Old World, again, in this case, "necromancy" and "Twister".
I will not introduce Finnish mages to the Old World concept of rap battles.
Nor will I introduce Icelandic mages to the ancient game of Pictionary.
I will not tell Lalli to lick his own eyeball.
Or convince anyone else to do the same.
Even if he is capable of doing so.