okay so I got home yesterday!! I didn't make it to the next stage of UKM where representatives from the whole country compete against each other, I'm sliiightly disappointed (they choose very few representatives but there were only tWO literature performances TWO. I HAD A PRETTY GOOD FIGHTING CHANCE) but I had a lot of fun and people kept telling me how much they liked my performance and I feel generally great. Even after being surrounded by Too Many People the whole weekend and having to sleep on the floor for two nights.
It was, as I've mentioned earlier, kind of my first time being openly agender at a thing, and it went both as expected and better than expected (I hope I'm not making people uncomfortable talking about these things ahah ha), this is what I've learnt from it:
- being openly non-binary is a CHORE. You HAVE to keep telling people all the time. Nobody questioned it when I said so, nobody was being mean or ignorant, but no matter how you look or what you wear (even that infographic tank top), poeple will hardly ever consider you might be something other than a girl or a boy. There was both a trans boy and a trans woman at the event (together, we form the Trans Trinity), and they never had to correct anyone or anything, so it's not like people were closeminded or anything - just Not Used to people like me. But they tried! I could pop into the web editor's office and ask them to change the pronouns they used for me in one of the articles, and they did, no questions asked. (I felt a surge of power after that. ME. BEING CORRECTLY ADRESSED ON THE INTERNET.)
- One of the most notable moments was when my presenter said my preferred pronouns and then called me "she" in the SAME SENTENCE. I wasn't even mad, just doubled over in laughter backstage. (To be fair, my presenter was a young boy and he might not have even understood what I meant at all. He apologized later so all good)
- I felt safe the whole time! It's probably something with the area I live in being very chill about these things, but despite being surrounded by tall and beefy teenagers (from my perspective, anyway. Hey, do you know how many metal bands attend UKM? SO MANY. welcome to norway) that could very well be the bullies of their schools, there wasn't even a mean glance thrown my way. So that's cool!
- So I had this impression, from the myriad of performances that are just blonde teenagers singing mainstream love songs with their acoustic guitars, that most everyone would be Straight and Normal - and I've got nothing against straight and normal but it gets exhausting to be alone among people like that, sorry. But then I learned something important: backstage people. The backstage people are weird and queer and the kinda people I hang out with. Guess who incidentally ended up sharing the room with backstage people? Yours truly. I made a good decision the day I chose rooms. (and I tried to not make the weekend all about my gender or how queer i am..... i tried. it wasn't my fault we ended up like this. I'm not the one who dubbed our room 'the Gender Room'. Though I am a little disappointed they watched Pride without me.)
- I can finally say "not actually a girl" without feeling remorse. It's, ugh, complicated, giving up on a title I wore so proudly for so long - and I'm not gonna go indepth on why I made the decision of giving it up (unless you ask, I guess), and sometimes I still feel this pang of intense doubt like. what if i'm wrong. what if i'm wrong and only doing this to follow a weird trend or to get attention or or or
BUT
1) i have never done anything to be trendy in my entire life, and i'm not starting now
2) i can very well attract attention without being weird about gender.
3) would i do ALL THIS if my feelings weren't at least a teensy bit valid? Like, it would be SO MUCH MORE PRACTICAL why am i even doing this to myself if not
4) am i going to pretend I have not spent hours, days, months, maybe years mulling this over and over. am i really
SO YEAH that was. uh. my adventure in trying to get my gender acknowledged at an official event with real people.
