Post by: urbicande on February 25, 2016, 02:54:57 PM
Here's one that came around the office the other day:
Last week I was reading a book on anti-gravity. I couldn't put it down!
Post by: meshebe on February 25, 2016, 03:11:11 PM
Spoiler: answer • show
I love these kind of jokes.
New favorite thread.
Post by: Eriaror on February 25, 2016, 03:15:31 PM
What does a chameleon do in an oven?
Spoiler: show
What do you get if you combine a mole and a giraffe?
Spoiler: show
When you throw it up, it's nothing; when it falls down the lights turn up at the neighbor's house, what is it?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Adrai Thell on February 25, 2016, 03:19:44 PM
I have a really bad one I stole at one point...
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters...
Spoiler: show
Post by: IKEA on February 25, 2016, 03:49:25 PM
Hoooo boy, this thread will be amazing... :PHa! Okay, if you have second thiughts about your apointment on Native American land...
I have a really bad one I stole at one point...
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters...Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Two peanuts walk down the street. One was a salted. (Say it out loud).
Post by: Keeper on February 25, 2016, 04:21:16 PM
Some of my favorites that I remember:
Spoiler: show
Post by: saminiemi on February 25, 2016, 04:23:00 PM
On which side of the church do the trees grow taller?
Spoiler: show
If a plane crashes directly on a border between two countries, on which country do you bury the wounded?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Krisse Kovacs on February 25, 2016, 04:44:26 PM
What does a chameleon do in an oven?I found this one weird, but when I read it in hungarian I died of laughing xDSpoiler: show
and kinda same for the other two
Post by: Fauna on February 25, 2016, 04:45:34 PM
What is brown and sticky?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Róisín on February 25, 2016, 04:58:30 PM
. How do you tell if a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.
. Why do ASIO agents go around in threes?
One can read and write. One can operate a telephone. The third is to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.
Post by: urbicande on February 25, 2016, 05:25:21 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Double H on February 25, 2016, 05:30:18 PM
Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? - Because it was two tired.
Two fish are in a tank.
One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?!"
Post by: Kiraly on February 25, 2016, 05:43:50 PM
This one is better if it's said aloud, but I'll try to approximate with text:
Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale says:
"OOOOOOOOEEAAAUUUEEEEOOOUUUUUEEEAAAAAAUUUUUUEEEEEEEOOOOOOOUUUUUUEUEIEIEEEEEEIAAAAAOOOOUUUUUEEEAAAAOOOOAAEEEEEEEEEAAUUUUUOOOOOOOOOO...."*
The second whale says,
Spoiler: show
*This part can go on for as long as you can make whale sounds. I have a friend who likes to tell it at parties and he can make the whale sounds go on for a long time.
Post by: Noodles on February 25, 2016, 05:58:29 PM
"We don't serve your kind in here."
A tachyon walks into a bar.
What should you say if someone offers you bootleg sodium bromate?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Purple Wyrm on February 25, 2016, 06:09:17 PM
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out! We don't serve string here!". The string walks out, bends himself into a loop, messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender asks suspiciously, "Are you a piece of string?". The string says "No, I'm afraid not".
Also the schoolyard classics...
Why did the parrot fall out of the tree?
Spoiler: show
Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
Spoiler: show
Why did the possum fall out of the tree?
Spoiler: show
Post by: frostykitty on February 25, 2016, 06:51:28 PM
My friend had been reading a book on Scandinavian Mythology. I wanted to borrow it, so I asked, "Did you FINNish that book yet?" ( background dialogue; "Eh, eheh, get it? Get it? Finnnnnish?" "Oh gosh please stop..." "But, but do you get it?-")
Now in band, out last Trombone just quit. TUBAd, huh? Now low brass has BASSically three people left.
Now, I was going to tell an element joke, but all the good ones argon...
And finally, don't listen to stars, their just full of hot air.
Post by: Athena on February 25, 2016, 07:12:57 PM
Warning: dorky science jokes ahead.
"We don't serve your kind in here."
A tachyon walks into a bar.
What should you say if someone offers you bootleg sodium bromate?Spoiler: show
Dorky science jokes for the win!
Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases here!"
Helium doesn't react.
Post by: Athena on February 25, 2016, 07:34:49 PM
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Well, I you can't Curium and you can't Helium, you may as well Barium!
Post by: meshebe on February 25, 2016, 07:43:21 PM
"If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate!"
;D
Post by: starfallz on February 25, 2016, 07:54:23 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Antillanka on February 25, 2016, 08:00:10 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: IKEA on February 25, 2016, 08:14:06 PM
Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: Puls3 on February 26, 2016, 02:10:10 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Double H on February 26, 2016, 08:48:56 AM
Post by: Eriaror on February 26, 2016, 09:50:00 AM
Why do some elephants have red eyes?
Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on February 26, 2016, 09:54:23 AM
The bartender looks at them and says, "Get out of here. We don't serve minors."
Post by: meshebe on February 26, 2016, 02:50:38 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Fimbulvarg on February 26, 2016, 05:55:34 PM
Why did Adele cross the road?
Spoiler: show
Why was the scarecrow promoted?
Spoiler: show
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Double H on February 26, 2016, 06:13:10 PM
Spoiler: show
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
Post by: meshebe on February 27, 2016, 07:13:02 PM
What gets wetter as it dries?
Spoiler: show
What runs, but never moves,
has a bed, but never sleeps,
has a mouth, but never eats?
Spoiler: show
Also I have to say that I'm loving all the jokes... but the scarecrow joke and the armies/sleevies jokes are my two new favorites XD
Post by: Purple Wyrm on February 27, 2016, 07:35:59 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: IKEA on February 27, 2016, 07:40:35 PM
Who's there?
Amnesia.
Amnesia who?
Spoiler: show
Post by: wolfie on February 28, 2016, 07:26:49 AM
How do you put an giraffe in a fridge?
Spoiler: show
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
Spoiler: show
[/spoiler]
King Lion gives a party, but certain animals are not there. Why and who isn't at the party?
Spoiler: show
Eheheh. Even though this is the bad jokes thread I still feel bad for posting this horrible joke. *giggles a little bit about own joke*
edit: Have a horrible pun as well:
It's green and its sliding of a mountain.
Spoiler: show
Eheheheheh. :3
Post by: Eriaror on February 28, 2016, 08:04:29 AM
This is a primary school favorite joke ensemble. Hope you all like it.This one has a final part though:
How do you put an giraffe in a fridge?Spoiler: show
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?[/spoiler]Spoiler: show
King Lion gives a party, but certain animals are not there. Why and who isn't at the party?Spoiler: show
[...]
You have to cross a river infested with alligators. What do you do?
Spoiler: show
Also: How do you hunt big blue elephants?
Spoiler: show
How do you hunt big green elephants?
Spoiler: show
And how do you hunt small yellow elephants?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Laufey on February 28, 2016, 08:10:20 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Purple Wyrm on February 28, 2016, 08:44:11 AM
Where can you find a legless tortoise?Spoiler: show
So mean! :))
Post by: meshebe on February 29, 2016, 06:37:31 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: IKEA on February 29, 2016, 09:37:16 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Purple Wyrm on March 01, 2016, 02:29:37 AM
Spoiler: show
And for those who think they can withstand its horrors, here's the exterminatus of bad jokes - The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike
Spoiler: show
Post by: wolfie on March 01, 2016, 05:17:04 AM
Where do you go to weigh a whale?Spoiler: show
And for those who think they can withstand its horrors, here's the exterminatus of bad jokes - The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White BikeSpoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on March 01, 2016, 12:37:34 PM
Post by: Róisín on March 01, 2016, 05:34:08 PM
Post by: meshebe on March 03, 2016, 12:00:04 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Kiraly on March 03, 2016, 12:27:09 PM
Did you know? The only real difference between crows and ravens is that crows have five pinion feathers, and ravens only have four.
So the difference between a crow and a raven? Well, that’s a matter of…
Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on March 03, 2016, 02:05:24 PM
Post by: IKEA on March 04, 2016, 05:41:14 AM
Post by: JoB on March 04, 2016, 10:22:18 AM
even though I doubt the truth of the initial statementThere are actually various differences (http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-the-difference-between-a-raven-and-a-crow.htm) between the two, including the feathers. Even more importantly, the terms aren't clearly defined; in some areas/languages, "ravens" includes "crows", in others it's the other way around, in yet others, they are separate groups.
Where I live, the ravens (Kolkrabe) are the only ones to be entirely black, including beak and feet, so telling them apart
Spoiler: show
Post by: Kiraly on March 04, 2016, 10:57:05 AM
There are actually various differences (http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-the-difference-between-a-raven-and-a-crow.htm) between the two, including the feathers. Even more importantly, the terms aren't clearly defined; in some areas/languages, "ravens" includes "crows", in others it's the other way around, in yet others, they are separate groups.
Where I live, the ravens (Kolkrabe) are the only ones to be entirely black, including beak and feet, so telling them apartSpoiler: show
Haha, I heartily approve of this addition. :)
Post by: Purple Wyrm on March 04, 2016, 07:54:20 PM
There are actually various differences (http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-the-difference-between-a-raven-and-a-crow.htm) between the two, including the feathers. Even more importantly, the terms aren't clearly defined; in some areas/languages, "ravens" includes "crows", in others it's the other way around, in yet others, they are separate groups.
Can confirm - we have huge black birds (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_raven#/media/File:Australianraven.jpg) here that everyone calls crows, but are actually ravens. There are two species of crow, but you hardly ever see them with the ravens strutting around everywhere going "AAAAAA! AAAA! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6YhVOHX-ws).
Why don't snowmen like broccoli?
Spoiler: show
Post by: IKEA on March 04, 2016, 08:01:14 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on March 05, 2016, 07:48:12 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: meshebe on March 07, 2016, 03:24:57 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: IKEA on March 09, 2016, 05:51:00 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Double H on March 09, 2016, 06:00:10 PM
What do you call an evil vampire wizard?Very good, this is the first one that made me groan.Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on March 09, 2016, 07:56:18 PM
Very good, this is the first one that made me groan.
It's an example of biting humour. Fangs for pointing it out.
Post by: LadyRamkin on March 09, 2016, 08:03:35 PM
Post by: meshebe on March 09, 2016, 08:29:07 PM
Spoiler: show
And LadyRamkin.... beautiful string of puns!!!!
Post by: corncobman on March 09, 2016, 09:35:24 PM
...then I became a huge wind turbine.
Post by: Róisín on March 09, 2016, 09:56:10 PM
'What do you call a selchie who is a solitary mage?
An hermetic seal.'
Post by: meshebe on March 16, 2016, 03:10:31 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Athena on March 16, 2016, 03:45:51 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: LadyRamkin on March 16, 2016, 06:46:10 PM
Have you heard of the invention of the shovel?I love "trowl" you made that pun. I really "dig" itSpoiler: show
Post by: meshebe on March 20, 2016, 12:07:26 AM
Anyway, I found another good chemistry joke:
Did you know protons have mass?
Spoiler: show
Post by: loki on March 20, 2016, 12:15:23 AM
but i made it up myself and i am proud of it (unfortunately)
so here it is
what do you call a group of boobs?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Nimphy on March 20, 2016, 03:26:38 AM
LadyRamkin, your puns are terra-rific! I'm glad you unearthed the full potential of that lame joke. ;D....
Anyway, I found another good chemistry joke:
Did you know protons have mass?Spoiler: show
Wow.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on March 21, 2016, 01:11:37 AM
Officers are on the lookout for a small medium at large.
Post by: OwlsG0 on March 23, 2016, 05:08:20 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on March 23, 2016, 05:10:27 PM
That vampire wizard joke reminded me:
'What do you call a selchie who is a solitary mage?
An hermetic seal.'
*groan*
I guess that's payback for the woad less traveled.
Post by: meshebe on March 31, 2016, 11:13:30 PM
Spoiler: show
Haaaaah :))
Post by: Jethan on April 01, 2016, 03:41:31 AM
What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?Spoiler: show
Haaaaah :))
Well, it made me laugh! :D
Post by: OwlsG0 on April 01, 2016, 05:13:00 AM
this is a little......inappropriate?
but i made it up myself and i am proud Mikkel it (unfortunately)
Tuuri here it is
what do you call a group Mikkel boobs?Spoiler: show
This April 1st edit is a new joke in itself
Post by: urbicande on April 01, 2016, 10:52:43 AM
Post by: IKEA on April 03, 2016, 04:26:35 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Krisse Kovacs on April 03, 2016, 07:02:49 PM
I was going to colour my art, but I used only one black pen, so I said:
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on April 05, 2016, 07:57:17 PM
Have you ever been to the south of France?Yes, and yes,Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on April 05, 2016, 10:21:02 PM
Yes, and yes,Spoiler: show
I think you're Toulouse with your criticism.
Post by: KicknRun on April 05, 2016, 10:59:50 PM
Spoiler: disclaimer • show
What do you call it when a lot of people die in church?
Spoiler: answer • show
Spoiler: another joke in script format • show
Post by: Keeper on April 06, 2016, 09:14:09 AM
I go to Catholic school, so there is so many Catholic jokes. So many.Spoiler: disclaimer • show
What do you call it when a lot of people die in church?Spoiler: answer • showSpoiler: another joke in script format • show
What a coincidence, I have another.
I hear nuns do the same things every day.
Spoiler: show
Post by: Juniper on April 10, 2016, 03:35:29 AM
Some of my favorites are: the best way to defeat your enemies is to chop their feet off.
Two TV antennas got married. The wedding itself wasn't that great but the reception was amazing.
An invisible man and an invisible woman got married. Their kids weren't much to look at either.
I'd forgotten how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.
Post by: Iceea on April 10, 2016, 04:19:18 PM
I'm not even sure they would qualify as groaners ;)
Post by: urbicande on April 11, 2016, 03:06:16 PM
Post by: Troposphère on April 12, 2016, 10:16:23 AM
The reason that bicycles fall over if you don't hold them up is because they're two tired.
This is the best joke I have heard in a while :D.
Post by: OwlsG0 on April 13, 2016, 02:28:29 AM
The reason that bicycles fall over if you don't hold them up is because they're two tired.
Told this gem to my friend while we were cycling. Not two minutes later, my bike catches something and throws me over the handle-bars. I think I may have offended it.
Post by: Pupunen on April 13, 2016, 10:13:45 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: meshebe on April 26, 2016, 11:42:08 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Iceea on April 27, 2016, 01:38:06 PM
Told this gem to my friend while we were cycling. Not two minutes later, my bike catches something and throws me over the handle-bars. I think I may have offended it.
I sent this to a serious bicycle riding friend of mine and he came back with this.
**************************************************************
Augh.
And here is another technological leap forward from Google Netherlands…
/>
the self-driving bicycle.
Post by: urbicande on April 27, 2016, 02:48:13 PM
And here is another technological leap forward from Google Netherlands…
/>
the self-driving bicycle.
I love the "Only available April 1st" tagline there :)
Post by: OwlsG0 on April 27, 2016, 04:58:00 PM
And here is another technological leap forward from Google Netherlands…
/>
the self-driving bicycle.
I love Google Nederlands. I really do. This isn't even a bad joke. This is hysterical- that stupid, uplifting music Google always puts in the back of their adds, the way those shots are executed, the way the interviewees are so danged earnest and pleased with the product.
Well played, Nederlands, well played.
Post by: ginger on May 08, 2016, 01:36:40 PM
"I went to space camp once... and it was out of this world!"
Post by: Juniper on May 08, 2016, 02:27:43 PM
From a recent ice breaker game at a conference:
"I went to space camp once... and it was out of this world!"
That reminds me of the new space themed restaurant that opened up. Too bad it's lacking in atmosphere.
Post by: OwlsG0 on May 09, 2016, 04:58:35 PM
That reminds me of the new space themed restaurant that opened up. Too bad it's lacking in atmosphere.
Really? They just opened up one of those near my house and the place took off like a rocket.
Post by: urbicande on May 09, 2016, 05:04:55 PM
Post by: Tr on May 09, 2016, 06:03:04 PM
And we all know that an astronauts favorite candy is a Mars Bar!But... BUT... ;)
(http://www.candywarehouse.com/assets/item/regular/milky-way-candy-bar-127609-w.jpg)
Post by: Juniper on May 09, 2016, 10:36:39 PM
Post by: OwlsG0 on May 10, 2016, 02:32:17 AM
I suppose while we're on the subject of space jokes I should mention the book on anti-gravity I was reading the other day, it was so good I just couldn't put it down.
Those kinds of books are just really stellar reads, aren't they?
Post by: Shine on May 10, 2016, 04:18:31 AM
*Note in Italian it's not heads or tails but heads or crosses.
Jesus and John the Baptist are wandering in the desert.
"Cousin, I'm bored. Wanna play heads or crosses to pass the time?"
Post by: OwlsG0 on May 10, 2016, 05:22:27 AM
I think I may love this thread.
*Note in Italian it's not heads or tails but heads or crosses.
Jesus and John the Baptist are wandering in the desert.
"Cousin, I'm bored. Wanna play heads or crosses to pass the time?"
I love it when my long-ago Sunday school learning is actually useful in every day life. Like when understanding a bad joke. That's definitely all kinds of useful.
Post by: urbicande on May 13, 2016, 11:05:44 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Shine on May 14, 2016, 01:04:03 AM
"Hm, I wonder what they think will work here."
After a while he sees a series of signs, first a few with writing on them, then widely-spaced circles that seem to go along for the whole stretch:
1. If you can see one circle, the speed limit is 50.
2. If you can see two circles, the speed limit is 75.
3. If you can see three circles, the speed limit is 100.
Spoiler: show
Post by: ginger on May 14, 2016, 10:29:38 AM
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?Spoiler: show
Sea ya later!
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 14, 2016, 07:45:14 PM
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?Spoiler: show
What did the grape say when it was stepped on by an elephant?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Iceea on May 16, 2016, 10:34:28 AM
Quote from: urbicande on May 13, 2016, 11:05:44 PM
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Spoiler: hide
Nothing. It just waved.
What did the grape say when it was stepped on by an elephant?Spoiler: show
It's a Monday morning, and I had a bad night's sleep. Whatever possessed me to read this thread, gahhh...
Post by: OwlsG0 on May 17, 2016, 04:01:02 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on May 17, 2016, 09:43:31 AM
How many hombres does it take to change a light-bulb?Spoiler: show
Why do you only need one egg to make an omelet in France?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Gwenno on May 17, 2016, 09:57:06 AM
Why do you only need one egg to make an omelet in France?Pah! This is the only joke which has gotten a burst out laughing reaction from me so far. Kudos to you weird flying camera or whatever thing, kudos.....Spoiler: show
Post by: Double H on May 18, 2016, 06:54:44 PM
"You're a unit of power, Harry."
"I'm a watt?!"
Post by: Tr on May 18, 2016, 07:44:50 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Spoiler: show
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Athena on May 18, 2016, 11:40:39 PM
Pffff hahahaha!
Why did the chicken cross the road?Spoiler: show
Knock knock!
Who's there?Spoiler: show
I've heard a slightly meaner version of this.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Spoiler: show
Knock knock.
Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on May 19, 2016, 10:13:44 AM
Post by: OwlsG0 on May 20, 2016, 06:38:52 PM
How do you keep a thread in suspense.
By failing to include the punchline?
Post by: Noodles on May 20, 2016, 08:32:54 PM
A: Knock knock!
B: Who's there?
A: KGB
B: KGB who?
Spoiler: show
Post by: WrittenEmber on May 20, 2016, 10:17:47 PM
Post by: Juniper on May 21, 2016, 12:53:07 AM
An astronaut arrives on the newly built Mars colony and is shown his living quarters. He isn't happy, and when asked why, he replies, "I was hoping for more space."I bet that place totally didn't have enough atmosphere either (fun fact ! Mars does have an atmosphere but it's incredibly thin, around a 100 times less dense than the Earth's atmosphere)
Post by: urbicande on May 21, 2016, 11:39:11 AM
The crew member nodded and said, "Don't worry ma'am. We're only 3 miles away from land."
The woman looked relieved and asked, "Oh, that's good. In which direction?"
"Straight down!"
Post by: WrittenEmber on May 21, 2016, 01:34:21 PM
I bet that place totally didn't have enough atmosphere either (fun fact ! Mars does have an atmosphere but it's incredibly thin, around a 100 times less dense than the Earth's atmosphere)
Yes, and the library was full of nothing but comet books. The gravity of the situation didn't hit him too hard, though. He just had to accept that his logic had been eclipsed by the stellar advertising for the place.
Post by: JoB on May 21, 2016, 05:46:52 PM
The woman looked relieved and asked, "Oh, that's good. In which direction?""Do ships sink very often?"
"Straight down!"
"No, most that do will stay down."
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 21, 2016, 08:59:50 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on May 21, 2016, 09:28:46 PM
What's green, scaly and goes up and down, up and down?[envious sigh]Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 21, 2016, 09:48:11 PM
[envious sigh]Spoiler: show
(http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/slow_clap_citizen_kane.gif)
Post by: Tr on May 21, 2016, 09:55:50 PM
[envious sigh]Ugh, yeah, I know. We've got those here in the States, too.Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on May 21, 2016, 10:05:41 PM
Ugh, yeah, I know. We've got those here in the States, too.See, that's why turtle-based ones are just so much better.Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: Noodles on May 21, 2016, 10:45:40 PM
See, that's why turtle-based ones are just so much better.Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: meshebe on May 22, 2016, 06:46:16 PM
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please."
=D
Post by: Anna on May 22, 2016, 10:24:44 PM
A Man, an Elf and a Hobbit walk into a bar.
…Well, the Elf and the Man walk into a bar. The Hobbit walks under it, laughing.
Post by: Double H on May 23, 2016, 10:43:44 AM
A Tolkien-themed oneOooo this one is good.
A Man, an Elf and a Hobbit walk into a bar.
…Well, the Elf and the Man walk into a bar. The Hobbit walks under it, laughing.
Post by: Anna on May 23, 2016, 12:07:54 PM
Oooo this one is good.Thanks, I made it myself. :D
Post by: urbicande on May 25, 2016, 02:07:26 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: OwlsG0 on May 26, 2016, 02:41:57 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Lazy8 on May 30, 2016, 10:24:25 AM
Spoiler: show
...
I'll just show myself out now.
*slinks away into Corner of Shame*
Post by: Tr on May 30, 2016, 10:31:28 AM
See? See? I told you the AC was on too high!(https://41.media.tumblr.com/e25a49539a0ac1298bfe705c314dfb40/tumblr_inline_nlo78qX3To1r2g2kx_500.png)Spoiler: show
...
I'll just show myself out now.
*slinks away into Corner of Shame*
Well done.
Post by: Athena on May 30, 2016, 11:01:10 AM
See? See? I told you the AC was on too high!Spoiler: show
...
I'll just show myself out now.
*slinks away into Corner of Shame*
Is it wrong that at first I thought AC meant Assassin's Creed, and its a big game to run so your computer couldn't handle it and froze? ::)
Post by: Iceea on May 30, 2016, 09:48:48 PM
people seem to be taking it as a challenge
and
Musician:
Someone who packs $5K worth of gear into a car,
and drives 100 miles, 160 Km, to make $50...
Post by: Róisín on May 30, 2016, 10:42:28 PM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 31, 2016, 12:22:41 AM
How does a band tell that the stage is level?
Spoiler: show
Did you hear about the band that locked their keys in the van?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Buteo on May 31, 2016, 01:14:15 AM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 31, 2016, 01:32:03 AM
Purple Wyrm, who does the drummer tell those jokes on?
I believe the base guitarist is next in the pecking order :)
Post by: frostykitty on May 31, 2016, 03:39:28 PM
Post by: Iceea on May 31, 2016, 10:56:48 PM
Spoiler: show
Iceea quietly exits the room...
Post by: urbicande on June 17, 2016, 01:00:07 PM
Both drivers were marooned.
Post by: OwlsG0 on June 18, 2016, 07:03:45 PM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on June 18, 2016, 09:19:04 PM
(Not mine, but I heard it the other day and thought it was perfect for this thread ;) )
Post by: Keeper on June 18, 2016, 09:30:06 PM
There are two types of people in this world. Those who can count, those who can't count, those who aren't sure if they can count or not, and those who don't understand the basic structure of jokes.
(Not mine, but I heard it the other day and thought it was perfect for this thread ;) )
Slightly nerdier one that I used to have on a shirt:
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Post by: Athena on June 18, 2016, 11:21:11 PM
Slightly nerdier one that I used to have on a shirt:
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
YES! My brother has a shirt like that too! ;D
Post by: Shine on June 19, 2016, 12:44:01 AM
Slightly nerdier one that I used to have on a shirt:I was considering posting this one, then I scrolled farther down and saw yours.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Curses! Foiled again!
Post by: Noodles on June 19, 2016, 03:56:09 PM
The bartender says, "OK, but why the little pause?"
The rabbit looks at his feet and says, "well, I've had them my whole life, I don't know, I guess it comes with being a rabbit?"
Post by: Purple Wyrm on June 19, 2016, 06:54:54 PM
YES! My brother has a shirt like that too! ;D
And me! :D
Post by: ginger on June 19, 2016, 07:28:22 PM
There are two types of people in this world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
Post by: Solokov on June 21, 2016, 01:18:02 PM
The serpent guards eyes glow.
The horus guards beak glistens.
The Setesh guards nose drips.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on June 21, 2016, 07:22:18 PM
Three jaffa meet on a netral world.
The serpent guards eyes glow.
The horus guards beak glistens.
The Setesh guards nose drips.
BEST. JAFFA. JOKE. EVER.
On another subject, where do vampire pencils come from?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Antillanka on June 21, 2016, 10:56:23 PM
BEST. JAFFA. JOKE. EVER.
On another subject, where do vampire pencils come from?Spoiler: show
Whyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?
Post by: urbicande on June 22, 2016, 08:45:59 AM
BEST. JAFFA. JOKE. EVER.
On another subject, where do vampire pencils come from?Spoiler: show
Now that's the write stuff!
Post by: frostykitty on June 24, 2016, 01:22:59 PM
BEST. JAFFA. JOKE. EVER.
On another subject, where do vampire pencils come from?Spoiler: show
As a matter of fact, my friend and I were taking a walk the other day and we came across a random pen, laying on the ground. After she brilliantly pointed it out, I said "Well, it is Pennsylvania..."
Post by: Athena on June 30, 2016, 01:28:34 PM
Post by: Kelpie on July 01, 2016, 12:10:30 AM
Well I guess she had...
butter fingers.
Post by: ginger on July 03, 2016, 04:32:00 PM
*sees a woman in the grocery store drop a tub of butter*
Well I guess she had...
butter fingers.
You are the best type of person.
Post by: urbicande on July 11, 2016, 10:20:23 PM
You might call it being dipped in skalding water
Post by: Anna on July 11, 2016, 11:23:44 PM
When Tuuri got her job, there was obviously a sort of baptism ritual.I just took off my glasses so I could facepalm properly.
You might call it being dipped in skalding water
Post by: urbicande on July 12, 2016, 05:52:45 PM
"All mushrooms are edible. Some only once."
Post by: Róisín on July 12, 2016, 06:51:55 PM
Post by: ChazHoosier on July 12, 2016, 10:59:10 PM
In old Småland, there is a village with two churches—one run by a young pastor and the other by an old one. Every Sunday after services, the two pastors met at the local cafe to discuss the spiritual welfare of the village. One Sunday, the younger colleague arrived very late, looking very upset.
"What's wrong?" exclaimed the old pastor, sincerely concerned.
"Someone in my parish stole my bicycle, and I don't know who!" cried the younger man.
"This is how you get your bicycle back," explained the older pastor, who was old enough to know a thing or two about the world. "Next Sunday, give a sermon on the ten commandments. Really lay on the fire and brimstone! Put the fear of God into them, and when you get to "THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!" look out over the congregation and see who is sweating the most—this is the one who stole your bike.
The next Sunday, the pastors met at the cafe at the usual time, the young pastor looking quite composed. "Did you do it?" cried the pastor. "Who stole your bicycle?"
"I gave the sermon alright," said the young pastor. "I really laid in to them, too. People were quaking in the pews. 'You shall have no other gods before, do not make unto thee any graven images...' you know them all of course... And when I got to 'THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,' I remembered where I left my bike!"
Post by: Juniper on July 13, 2016, 01:26:02 AM
Heard from a friend of mine in Finland when I was there on holiday in the last two weeks, which she says she heard from her father.
"All mushrooms are edible. Some only once."
You know I've heard this joke before except about lava. Did you know that you can drink lava but only once ?
Post by: Jethan on July 13, 2016, 06:53:23 PM
You know I've heard this joke before except about lava. Did you know that you can drink lava but only once ?
"Might as well be drinking liquid gold."
Post by: Juniper on July 14, 2016, 02:07:57 AM
"Might as well be drinking liquid gold."
which begs the question, what did Siv really mean by that (http://www.sssscomic.com/comic.php?page=64)
Post by: Róisín on July 14, 2016, 02:16:47 AM
Post by: Juniper on July 14, 2016, 02:27:55 AM
I had thought she meant that fruit juice was extravagantly expensive? I mean, I've heard of gold being used therapeutically, but I think it's injected rather than ingested? And drinking actual liquid gold probably wouldn't feel that much different to drinking lava.
I know, I was trying to make a joke but apparently it didn't go over well :c
Post by: Jethan on July 14, 2016, 11:44:20 PM
I know, I was trying to make a joke but apparently it didn't go over well :c
I was implying molten gold and wishing death on her teammates in that context. xD
Post by: OwlsG0 on July 15, 2016, 07:45:00 AM
I was implying molten gold and wishing death on her teammates in that context. xD
If Siv really did kill the others, with all the threats they face from trolls it would be a rather...rich...way to die, at the hands of their boss
(Since we are on the bad jokes thread)
Post by: Anna on August 04, 2016, 10:43:55 PM
Post by: urbicande on August 05, 2016, 05:17:17 PM
Descartes shakes his head and says, "I think not." Then he vanishes.
Post by: Róisín on August 05, 2016, 05:58:43 PM
Post by: urbicande on August 05, 2016, 10:47:26 PM
Which just goes to prove that you should never put Descartes before the horse.
Post by: OwlsG0 on August 06, 2016, 05:59:07 PM
Post by: urbicande on August 06, 2016, 10:37:48 PM
THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and 2 South Africans ...
... all walk into a fine upscale restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
Post by: Solokov on August 06, 2016, 11:58:29 PM
Seen on Facebook
THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and 2 South Africans ...
... all walk into a fine upscale restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
Not enough facepalm macros on the internet for that one.
Post by: Lazy8 on August 07, 2016, 09:12:53 AM
Seen on Facebook
THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and 2 South Africans ...
... all walk into a fine upscale restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
*stares at joke for a few seconds*
*doesn't get it*
*suddenly gets it*
*slooooooowly facepalms*
Post by: JoB on August 07, 2016, 09:58:39 AM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, [...] a Croatian, ..."Excuse me," replies the German, "that's what we brought le cravate (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cravat) for!"
... all walk into a fine upscale restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
Post by: OwlsG0 on August 08, 2016, 04:37:56 AM
Seen on Facebook
THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and 2 South Africans ...
... all walk into a fine upscale restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
Did they bring along an extra South African in case they lost the other one?
(Or am I being insensitive and is it to represent the fact that there are historically distinct communities of black South Africans and white South Africans and one of each went out to eat to represent their individual ethnic communities?)
Post by: saminiemi on August 08, 2016, 02:23:16 PM
"Excuse me," replies the German, "that's what we brought le cravate (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cravat) for!"Brilliant ;D
Post by: urbicande on August 08, 2016, 10:41:52 PM
Post by: Ana Nymus on August 08, 2016, 11:39:04 PM
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Ah, so you make chemistry jokes?
Answer: Yes, but only periodically.
Post by: Jethan on August 09, 2016, 12:13:14 AM
Post by: OwlsG0 on August 09, 2016, 03:49:41 AM
Here's another awful joke:
Five guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
Post by: urbicande on August 09, 2016, 08:27:01 AM
Five guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
:)
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says, "What is this, some sort of joke?"
Post by: OwlsG0 on August 09, 2016, 08:30:52 AM
:)
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says, "What is this, some sort of joke?"
A cow walks into a bar and goes up to order, saying "Hay, bartender!"
Post by: Iceea on August 11, 2016, 06:08:11 PM
"About your cat Dr Schrödinger, I'm afraid there's good news and bad news..."
Post by: Lazy8 on August 11, 2016, 10:46:38 PM
The veterinarian comes up to speak to Dr Schrödinger in the waiting room.
"About your cat Dr Schrödinger, I'm afraid there's good news and bad news..."
*facepalm*
If you wanna do bad physics/math jokes, you've got some competition:
i to pi: Be rational.
pi to i: Get real.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting and see a deer. The physicist shoots, but misses by three meters to the left. The engineer says "No no no, you're doing it wrong!" and takes his turn... and misses by three meters to the right. At which point the statistician says "Yeah! We got him!"
Plus, anything and everything involving spherical chickens or cows...
Post by: OwlsG0 on August 12, 2016, 06:39:32 AM
The photon says "No thank you. I'm travelling light."
Post by: Lazy8 on August 12, 2016, 08:44:35 AM
Bartender: Are you sure?
Atom: Yes, I'm positive!
Post by: Tr on August 12, 2016, 09:38:22 AM
Post by: Double H on August 12, 2016, 11:37:10 AM
Post by: meshebe on August 12, 2016, 11:56:14 AM
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go deer hunting. A deer walks into view and the engineer gets ready to shot. He makes some basic assumtions, supposes that the air resistance has a small enough effect to not factor into this situation, and finally fires. His bullet lands one meter short. Next, the physicist gets ready to shot. She take into account the air resistance, the effects of gravity, the curvature and rotation of the earth, and fires. Her shot lands one meter too far.
The statistician jumps up and says, "We got 'em!"
Post by: meshebe on August 12, 2016, 12:04:25 PM
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
Post by: Lazy8 on August 12, 2016, 12:10:46 PM
A driver gets pulled over for running a red light and tries to defend himself by saying that he wasn't aware it was red - he was going to fast that the red light appeared blueshifted to green.
He promptly got a ticket for speeding.
Post by: Iceea on August 12, 2016, 03:28:35 PM
Do you think there's intelligent life on Mars?
I sure do.
Why is that?
Well, you don't see them spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get here do you?
Post by: urbicande on August 12, 2016, 04:23:37 PM
Post by: Double H on August 12, 2016, 04:51:07 PM
There was a statistician who stood with one food in a bucket of ice water and one foot in a bucket of very hot water and said "On the average, I feel fine!"
https://youtu.be/oJ3REJYFuv8?t=32s (https://youtu.be/oJ3REJYFuv8?t=32s)
Post by: OwlsG0 on August 12, 2016, 10:01:10 PM
To get to the same side
(A cousin of mine has the Mobius tattooed on and have literally spent full hours trying to work out where it stops)
Post by: Gwenno on August 13, 2016, 07:36:43 AM
From the pages of Boy's Life, many years ago:
Do you think there's intelligent life on Mars?
I sure do.
Why is that?
Well, you don't see them spending hundreds of millions of dollars to get here do you?
To counter that:
I don't know why people think we're going to find intelligent life on Mars. We've been on earth all this time and have still seen no sign of intelligence
Post by: OwlsG0 on August 13, 2016, 08:57:34 PM
As pi leaves the house, 'i' shouts "I wish you'd be rational!"
And pi shouts back "Get real!"
Post by: Lazy8 on August 13, 2016, 08:58:31 PM
The mathematical symbols pi and 'i' meet at a party and get into a relationship. They stay together for a long time, but strains start to show in the relationship. After a long time 'i' and pi have a huge blow-out fight.
As pi leaves the house, 'i' shouts "I wish you'd be rational!"
And pi shouts back "Get real!"
But... but... I already told that one...
Post by: Buteo on August 13, 2016, 09:21:39 PM
Post by: OwlsG0 on August 13, 2016, 09:41:33 PM
But... but... I already told that one...
Oh, crap, sorry dude! I must have re-discovered it then because I thought it was the first time I read it. Whoops! First credit for the joke to Lazy8
Post by: JoB on August 14, 2016, 12:04:55 PM
Please someone post more math jokes I'm loving these. ;DEeeehh, don't count on it. Unless math is integral to their work, people tend to minimize its presence in their lives to tangents.
"You have dialled an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
Post by: Lazy8 on August 14, 2016, 12:37:24 PM
Eeeehh, don't count on it. Unless math is integral to their work, people tend to minimize its presence in their lives to tangents.
*facepalm*
Post by: urbicande on August 14, 2016, 08:53:20 PM
Eeeehh, don't count on it. Unless math is integral to their work, people tend to minimize its presence in their lives to tangents.
"You have dialled an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
(http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/theamazingworldofgumball/images/7/79/Godzilla_facepalm.jpg)
Post by: Anna on August 22, 2016, 07:32:07 PM
Post by: Juniper on August 22, 2016, 07:42:15 PM
If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.
Post by: OwlsG0 on August 24, 2016, 12:00:00 AM
Spotted on tumblr today:
If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.
muted screaming
Post by: Athena on August 24, 2016, 01:19:00 AM
What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
*sigh...* ok. You win. That's pretty good. :V
Spotted on tumblr today:
If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.
I just got this and wow. :))
Post by: urbicande on August 24, 2016, 09:32:24 AM
Spotted on tumblr today:
If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.
Love it!
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks!
Post by: JacobThomsen on August 24, 2016, 10:06:39 AM
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks!
Nothing like dark jokes on a Wednesday. Here's one more, it's not that "fun" but I'll post it anyway
You’re standing in front of a man, he says: “if you tell me a lie I’ll cut your head off, but if you tell me a truth I’ll choke you”. What do you say?
Spoiler: show
Here is a more traditional one.
A man, his son and a dog walk into a bar.
"Ow!"
"Ow!"
"Woof!"
Post by: urbicande on August 24, 2016, 12:14:35 PM
You’re standing in front of a man, he says: “if you tell me a lie I’ll cut your head off, but if you tell me a truth I’ll choke you”. What do you say?Spoiler: show
Surely the proper answer is to say nothing at all.
Post by: JacobThomsen on August 24, 2016, 12:44:32 PM
Surely the proper answer is to say nothing at all.
No the man don't like to wait, you have to say something or he'll just kill you :P
Post by: Lazy8 on August 24, 2016, 01:50:31 PM
No the man don't like to wait, you have to say something or he'll just kill you :P
In which case you should just cut his head off first. It's legitimate self-defense!
Post by: JacobThomsen on August 24, 2016, 01:59:52 PM
In which case you should just cut his head off first. It's legitimate self-defense!
Only Sigrun would be skilled enough to do that
Post by: Lazy8 on August 24, 2016, 04:40:22 PM
Anyway, here's a fun one I was subjected to. I was out having brunch with a male friend who's gay (this is relevant). We were talking about stuff to do in the city, and he mentioned visiting a part of town where I'd run into a creepy guy old enough to be my grandfather who'd started hitting on me and just would not take a hint. So I made mention of this, and said "So if at any point I grab onto your arm and introduce you as my boyfriend, please play along."
Him: "Okay, I'll try to play it straight."
Me: ... "You win. I don't know what, but you win."
Post by: Oscar Leigh on August 25, 2016, 09:34:46 AM
Just a fair warning: there is some mention of sexual harassment.
Anyway, here's a fun one I was subjected to. I was out having brunch with a male friend who's gay (this is relevant). We were talking about stuff to do in the city, and he mentioned visiting a part of town where I'd run into a creepy guy old enough to be my grandfather who'd started hitting on me and just would not take a hint. So I made mention of this, and said "So if at any point I grab onto your arm and introduce you as my boyfriend, please play along."
Him: "Okay, I'll try to play it straight."
Me: ... "You win. I don't know what, but you win."
Speaking of relationships, did you hear about the geologist who fell in love with a diamond?
He's into carbon dating.
Did you hear about the Welsh carrot who drank bleach?
He's a moron.
Post by: urbicande on August 25, 2016, 12:40:46 PM
A big red rock eater
Post by: OwlsG0 on August 25, 2016, 04:21:13 PM
What's big, red, and eats rocks?
A big red rock eater
What's red and white and black all over?
Sun-burnt penguin.
Post by: Double H on August 25, 2016, 08:15:56 PM
Post by: Oscar Leigh on August 26, 2016, 06:30:42 AM
Very shellfish.
Post by: Anna on August 26, 2016, 01:39:34 PM
It's soda pressing.
Post by: Iceea on August 26, 2016, 01:59:38 PM
I recently got a job crushing beverage cans.
It's soda pressing.
super groan! definitely a 3 pointer ;)
Post by: Anna on August 30, 2016, 07:23:31 PM
It was a play on words.
Post by: Jethan on August 30, 2016, 07:49:37 PM
I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
So terrible it's good...
Post by: Tr on August 30, 2016, 08:59:13 PM
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Róisín on August 31, 2016, 03:09:06 AM
Maud. (Moored.)
Post by: Iceea on August 31, 2016, 10:20:59 AM
What do you call a woman tied to a pier?
Maud. (Moored.)
A really good "down east" accent could pull that off. "Aye-u, I maud ma skiff at the landing"
Post by: Purple Wyrm on August 31, 2016, 07:49:03 PM
An ambulance.
(I may have told this one before...)
Post by: Róisín on August 31, 2016, 09:30:34 PM
Post by: urbicande on August 31, 2016, 10:19:32 PM
The Prince is a bit startled by this and continues greeting patients. The next one screams, "Some hae meat, and canna eat"
Even more surprised, the Prince goes to the next patient and says hello, but the reply is only, "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie"
Prince William looks at the doctor and asks, "Is this the psychiatric ward?"
"Nae, lad" says the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
Post by: Purple Wyrm on August 31, 2016, 11:28:45 PM
Post by: Róisín on September 01, 2016, 03:01:24 AM
Post by: Anna on September 02, 2016, 11:06:08 PM
(apologies for the indirect cuss)
Post by: Oscar Leigh on September 07, 2016, 09:26:49 AM
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Haikus are easy. But some times they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
Post by: Athena on September 07, 2016, 02:46:29 PM
Thanks to my stepbrother for finding these.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Haikus are easy. But some times they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
:)) Those are both great!
Post by: VibratingText on September 07, 2016, 03:25:13 PM
Post by: Oscar Leigh on September 07, 2016, 06:25:41 PM
A zoologist, a physicist, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer some distance ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations and fires, missing by 5 feet to the left. The zoologist analyzes the deer's movement and fires, missing by 5 feet to the right. The statistician drops his gun and happily exclaims, "We got 'em!"
ROFL. :)) :))
Post by: OwlsG0 on September 07, 2016, 06:37:14 PM
A zoologist, a physicist, and a statistician go hunting. They see a deer some distance ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations and fires, missing by 5 feet to the left. The zoologist analyzes the deer's movement and fires, missing by 5 feet to the right. The statistician drops his gun and happily exclaims, "We got 'em!"
We sure do love statistician jokes on this thread
Post by: Anna on September 07, 2016, 06:48:25 PM
“Yes,” the man responded, “Eumenides?”
Post by: OwlsG0 on September 07, 2016, 06:55:36 PM
A Greek man walks into a tailor’s shop holding a pair of trousers. The tailor takes the pants and holds them up, turns to the man and says “Euripides?”
“Yes,” the man responded, “Eumenides?”
(I'll add my mom's favourite joke to that)
A Greek guy walks into a tailor's shop holding two pairs of trousers. Both of them are ripped.
The tailor picks up the first pair and says "Euripides?"
The man shakes his head and points to the second pair "No, I rip-a dose"
(I don't think it's that funny, but every time my mom tells it she laughs until she can't breathe)
Post by: urbicande on September 08, 2016, 09:55:58 AM
We sure do love statistician jokes on this thread
On the average, they're funny.
43% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Post by: Anna on September 09, 2016, 08:47:03 PM
Post by: Oscar Leigh on September 10, 2016, 05:22:06 AM
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
OH MY LORD!
A popular author is doing a book tour. He signs a book for a pretty young girl with yellow ribbons in her hair. She is very happy. Then he calls the next in line. A large mechanical appliance comes up. "Hey," it says "I'm a huge fan."
Post by: urbicande on September 10, 2016, 11:17:07 AM
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
That's the cheesiest joke I've read in a long time.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on September 10, 2016, 11:35:50 AM
Post by: urbicande on September 13, 2016, 02:55:47 PM
"Oh, come on," protests the mushroom, "I'm a fungi!"
Post by: Anna on September 16, 2016, 01:51:26 PM
A condescending con descending.
Post by: Athena on September 16, 2016, 03:37:08 PM
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
I didn't et it at first and then I read it more carefully... :haw:
Post by: urbicande on September 16, 2016, 04:58:14 PM
A ratty-looking string walks into a bar. The bartender looks at it and says, "Get out. We don't want you in here."
The string is annoyed at this, so as soon as it leaves, it twists itself up and goes right back into the bar. The bartender looks suspiciously at it and says, "Hey, aren't you the string that was just in here?"
"Nope," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot."
Post by: Jethan on September 16, 2016, 10:50:45 PM
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
I just have to particularly point this out as being fabulous.
Post by: VibratingText on September 18, 2016, 12:07:27 PM
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Post by: Anna on September 18, 2016, 12:48:58 PM
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.Classic
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Also, some writing advice I found:
Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written..
Post by: OwlsG0 on September 20, 2016, 08:01:41 PM
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
I want that on a shirt
Post by: urbicande on September 21, 2016, 12:56:20 PM
Nothing. It just waved.
Post by: Double H on September 21, 2016, 05:48:58 PM
What did the ocean say to the beach?::)
Nothing. It just waved.
Do you know what you get when a tyrannosaurus running eastwards at 25mph meets a tyrannosaurus running westwards at 15mph? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Post by: Anna on September 23, 2016, 12:13:19 AM
Post by: Double H on September 23, 2016, 02:43:53 PM
Post by: Anna on September 26, 2016, 10:53:02 PM
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage about 20 minutes during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as double bassists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. “Hey! We need to get back!”
“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.“
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
“Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”
Post by: Purple Wyrm on September 27, 2016, 12:16:29 AM
“Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! ;D
Post by: Solokov on September 27, 2016, 12:33:42 AM
A couple musicians once made the treck to his grave soon after he had died to pay respects. The gravedigger slowly led the to the mausoleum.
After a spell the musicians began to hear music from within the crypt, curious they sat and listened before realizing it was beethoven's 9th only in reverse. Soon it stopped and for a time there was nothing. Silence pervaded the air for a time before the music filled the air again. Quickly they realized it was beethoven's eighth.
On their way from the lichyard they commented on it to the gravedigger who replied "o'course that'd happen. He's decomposing you lackwits."
Post by: Anna on September 27, 2016, 10:45:21 PM
Post by: OwlsG0 on September 28, 2016, 02:12:50 AM
Just because one rock is gneiss, and the other is a piece of schist, doesn't mean you should take either of them for granite.
On the subject of schist-related jokes
A bull and a piece of schist get married. They then visit a fertility clinic to see about conceiving a child naturally, but their fertility specialist says it's totally impossible. There is no scientific way to enable this and they are better off fostering or adopting.
Not to be discouraged, the couple tries and within a year are inviting their fertility specialist to the maternity ward to see their new baby. The schist greets the fertility specialist at the door and points to the bull, happily cuddled up in the hospital bed with the new infant.
"We conceived a child naturally." says the schist
Shocked beyond all belief, the specialist points at the infant and shouts "Bullschist!"
Post by: Juniper on September 28, 2016, 05:51:58 AM
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede........a walkie-talkie.
Okay that's a good one, I'm keeping this to use sometime :D
Post by: Purple Wyrm on September 29, 2016, 01:21:46 AM
Post by: Iceea on September 29, 2016, 12:05:10 PM
A man walks into a fancy restaurant and orders an expensive lobster dish. After some time the waiter brings him a meal consisting of a lobster shell full of cigars. "What the hell is this!?" demands the man "I ordered the Lobster Thermidor!". "Oh I'm terribly sorry sir" replies the waiter "I thought you asked for the Lobster Humidor".
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! ;D
;)
Post by: Anna on October 01, 2016, 06:35:30 PM
They reply:
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”
Post by: urbicande on October 01, 2016, 07:47:39 PM
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”
They reply:
“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”
I *needed* that groan.
Post by: Anna on October 01, 2016, 08:15:46 PM
I *needed* that groan.;D Always happy to help!
Post by: ginger on October 01, 2016, 10:37:50 PM
She then notices that in his reorganization efforts, he is simply moving bottles from the bottom shelf to the top. When she asks, "What are you doing?" he replies, "Well, I've been pretty upset since our argument, but cleaning has been really lifting my spirits."
Post by: Anna on October 06, 2016, 05:06:31 PM
She needed to make a de-paws-it.
Post by: Juniper on October 18, 2016, 11:53:38 PM
Post by: Anna on October 19, 2016, 12:21:07 AM
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
Post by: JacobThomsen on October 19, 2016, 07:57:47 AM
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?This is weird but we had the exact same joke back when I was a member of the danish scouts, except we had a penguin instead of a duck and it asked for fish instead of grapes. And on every single trip there would be a play of it where one of the leaders would dress as a penguin, it was kind of the official scout play.
Post by: urbicande on October 19, 2016, 10:28:42 AM
This is weird but we had the exact same joke back when I was a member of the danish scouts, except we had a penguin instead of a duck and it asked for fish instead of grapes. And on every single trip there would be a play of it where one of the leaders would dress as a penguin, it was kind of the official scout play.
They use a similar thing in Scouts here in the US, although the duck usually asks for "duck food" and it would be spread out among several other skits in the campfire!
Post by: urbicande on October 19, 2016, 04:21:01 PM
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Post by: OwlsG0 on October 20, 2016, 07:01:29 PM
And one seen on Twitter:
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
As water, I am offended by this joke. It got me very steamed up.
Post by: Anna on October 29, 2016, 12:44:20 PM
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Kelpie on November 04, 2016, 12:37:11 AM
The second man died.
Post by: Solokov on November 04, 2016, 12:48:40 AM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on November 04, 2016, 03:02:45 AM
A puffin!
Post by: Gwenno on November 04, 2016, 08:16:59 AM
Two men walk into a bar. The first man says "I'd like some H2O". The second man says "I'd like some H2O, too".
The second man died.
A variation I've come across a few times.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'd like some H2O". The second chemist says "I'd also like some water"
The first chemist then mumbles to themselves, angry that their murderous plan had failed.
Post by: urbicande on November 04, 2016, 12:32:19 PM
Post by: Iceea on November 04, 2016, 12:58:24 PM
I put my root beer into a square cup. Now it's just beer.
I had to think about that one for quite a bit. So badddddddddddd
Post by: Solokov on November 04, 2016, 01:06:32 PM
1forrest1.
Post by: urbicande on November 04, 2016, 02:05:06 PM
I had to think about that one for quite a bit. So badddddddddddd
Note the thread title!
Post by: Double H on November 04, 2016, 07:34:35 PM
I've got a really bad one I found the other day:
I had some sea food and now I'm eel.
Post by: wavewright62 on November 05, 2016, 05:44:37 AM
Apropos of the family tree release, someone said of Ensi's paramour Ukko-Pekka that it was also the nickname of a rifle, much like the one handed down to Lalli.
They helpfully included this link to a picture of said rifle. (http://"http://www.mosinnagant.net/finland/finnish_mosin_nagantm39.asp")
My response was that Ensi wanted her kid to be a son of a gun.
Thank you, thank you, you're all beautiful... :-*
Post by: OwlsG0 on November 05, 2016, 08:55:29 AM
By popular acclaim (okay, I was dared to do it):
Apropos of the family tree release, someone said of Ensi's paramour Ukko-Pekka that it was also the nickname of a rifle, much like the one handed down to Lalli.
They helpfully included this link to a picture of <a href="http://www.mosinnagant.net/finland/finnish_mosin_nagantm39.asp>said rifle.</a>
My response was that Ensi wanted her kid to be a son of a gun.
Thank you, thank you, you're all beautiful... :-*
Thank you. I definitely needed to see this
Post by: JoB on November 05, 2016, 03:56:59 PM
I put my root beer into a square cup. Now it's just beer.I wonder, if you had owed that beer to someone else, would it have turned imaginary upon pouring it back out?
Post by: wavewright62 on November 05, 2016, 05:47:13 PM
I wonder, if you had owed that beer to someone else, would it have turned imaginary upon pouring it back out?Just so long as you don't put it back in the fridge untouched, therefore dividing it by zero.
Post by: OwlsG0 on November 05, 2016, 11:34:53 PM
A rude jester
Post by: urbicande on November 08, 2016, 01:05:12 PM
The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."
Post by: Double H on November 09, 2016, 10:22:14 AM
I've only got my shelf to blame.
Post by: JoB on November 15, 2016, 05:27:07 PM
Conductor: "Sir, as that sign over there states, if you aren't seated, you are required to hold onto one of the straps to prevent accidents."
Passenger: "And the sign next to it says 'wear SuperShaper bras' ... would you happen to wear such a thing, Sir?"
Post by: VibratingText on November 16, 2016, 10:48:07 AM
I went to a movie-watching party. I'm generally introverted, and didn't talk to anyone - just watched the movies. The movie ends, people debate what to watch next. I decide to put in the movie I brought with me. Everyone likes it - it was a Jim Carrey movie, and one of his better ones. People start talking with me, and thanking me for bringing the movie.
No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.
Post by: urbicande on November 16, 2016, 11:34:40 AM
People keep talking about soy latte.
Is "soy latte" what el conejo blanco says in "Alicia en El País de Las Maravillas"?
Post by: urbicande on November 17, 2016, 10:45:33 AM
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "This is clearly a joke from the set-up, but we are uncertain if it's funny or not"
Gödel replies, "We can't prove the joke is funny from within the joke using the axioms of the joke alone."
And Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just not telling it right."
Post by: Anna on November 21, 2016, 03:02:00 PM
Independent.
Post by: OwlsG0 on November 22, 2016, 10:16:59 PM
Post by: MR_PLINKETT on November 23, 2016, 01:01:47 AM
Post by: OwlsG0 on November 23, 2016, 01:57:17 AM
Why did everyone love Jesus? Because he was HUNG LIKE THIS. 8)
(When I chortled at this the cross I wear under my shirt scratched me. The irony, right?)
Post by: urbicande on November 23, 2016, 08:53:04 AM
Why did everyone love Jesus? Because he was HUNG LIKE THIS. 8)
That joke is likely to make some people cross.
Post by: JoB on November 25, 2016, 02:31:26 PM
That joke is likely to make some people cross.Fortunately, we don't need to nail down a common POV on it.
Post by: wavewright62 on November 26, 2016, 02:50:35 AM
Post by: urbicande on November 26, 2016, 08:07:54 PM
Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts; they believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.
*groan*
Post by: urbicande on November 28, 2016, 11:11:40 AM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on December 01, 2016, 06:57:58 PM
Parrots eat 'em all
(Explanatory note for our North American friends (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paracetamol) :) )
Post by: urbicande on December 01, 2016, 10:19:51 PM
Why is it so hard to get painkillers in the jungle?
Parrots eat 'em all
(Explanatory note for our North American friends (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paracetamol) :) )
Hee hee. (said the man who used to live in the UK)
Post by: wavewright62 on December 24, 2016, 09:34:34 PM
"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street, helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"
"Yeah," said Rincewind, picking up a knife and testing its blade thoughtfully. "Luters, I expect."
- from The Light Fantastic
Post by: Double H on January 03, 2017, 06:53:14 PM
Here's a bad joke:
Interviewer: How much milk do your cows produce?
Farmer: The black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: The black one.
Farmer: Couple of liters a day.
Interviewer: And the brown one?
Farmer: Couple of liters a day.
Interviewer: Aha... and what do you feed them?
Farmer: The black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: The black one.
Farmer: Hay in the winter, and grass in the summer.
Interviewer: And the brown one?
Farmer: Hay in the winter, and grass in the summer.
Interviewer: Why do you keep asking which cow I mean when the answer is the same anyway?
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Then whose is the brown one?
Farmer: The brown one's mine.
Post by: Antillanka on January 04, 2017, 10:10:32 AM
^^ I love that one
Here's a bad joke:
Interviewer: How much milk do your cows produce?
Farmer: The black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: The black one.
Farmer: Couple of liters a day.
Interviewer: And the brown one?
Farmer: Couple of liters a day.
Interviewer: Aha... and what do you feed them?
Farmer: The black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: The black one.
Farmer: Hay in the winter, and grass in the summer.
Interviewer: And the brown one?
Farmer: Hay in the winter, and grass in the summer.
Interviewer: Why do you keep asking which cow I mean when the answer is the same anyway?
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Then whose is the brown one?
Farmer: The brown one's mine.
Mikkel would take note ^^
Post by: urbicande on January 04, 2017, 12:51:44 PM
^^ I love that one
Here's a bad joke:
Interviewer: How much milk do your cows produce?
Farmer: The black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: The black one.
Farmer: Couple of liters a day.
Interviewer: And the brown one?
Farmer: Couple of liters a day.
Interviewer: Aha... and what do you feed them?
Farmer: The black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: The black one.
Farmer: Hay in the winter, and grass in the summer.
Interviewer: And the brown one?
Farmer: Hay in the winter, and grass in the summer.
Interviewer: Why do you keep asking which cow I mean when the answer is the same anyway?
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Then whose is the brown one?
Farmer: The brown one's mine.
That's udderly ridiculous.
Post by: PaperArtillery on January 18, 2017, 04:55:26 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: wavewright62 on January 18, 2017, 06:01:30 PM
What do you call a building full of musicians?Spoiler: show
Wow. That IS a bad joke!
Post by: Iceea on January 19, 2017, 10:56:28 AM
What did one dog say to the other?
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on January 24, 2017, 04:14:56 PM
What did one dog say to the other?Reminds me of another one ...Spoiler: show
"Can you play the violin?"
Spoiler: show
Post by: Iceea on January 25, 2017, 10:16:09 AM
There was a special on TV about plumbers and some of the scams they routinely pull
Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on January 25, 2017, 12:38:28 PM
Post by: JoB on January 25, 2017, 01:15:40 PM
A diplomat is a person who, when asked their favorite color, answers "plaid"Actually (https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/caskiestin107330.html) ...
Post by: Shine on February 02, 2017, 11:48:03 AM
the place I'm staying at is on Ohmstrasse, almost the same as when I was a kid living just off Resistance Square.
Post by: urbicande on February 02, 2017, 02:22:29 PM
My mom is currently in Berlin, so she sent us a message:
the place I'm staying at is on Ohmstrasse, almost the same as when I was a kid living just off Resistance Square.
:D
Post by: Fauna on February 03, 2017, 09:19:02 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: wavewright62 on February 03, 2017, 04:33:57 PM
My mom is currently in Berlin, so she sent us a message:*facepalm* :V :V
the place I'm staying at is on Ohmstrasse, almost the same as when I was a kid living just off Resistance Square.
Kudos for sharing one that's not currently doing the social media circuits.
::)
Post by: JoB on February 05, 2017, 04:18:29 PM
the place I'm staying at is on Ohmstrasse, almost the same as when I was a kid living just off Resistance Square."Ihr da ohm macht doch eh' watt ihr volt!"
Post by: Iceea on February 05, 2017, 08:05:48 PM
My mom is currently in Berlin, so she sent us a message:
the place I'm staying at is on Ohmstrasse, almost the same as when I was a kid living just off Resistance Square.
the EE in me will be groaning for days........................................
Post by: Double H on February 11, 2017, 07:14:39 PM
Get it?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Juniper on February 12, 2017, 02:58:47 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/X7kzQMa.jpg)
Get it?Spoiler: show
(-_ど)
Okay but what do you call somebody who has no body and a nose? Nobody knows.
Post by: Iceea on February 20, 2017, 12:09:43 AM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on February 20, 2017, 06:07:25 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?What do you call a postman without 'o's?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Iceea on February 26, 2017, 09:13:31 PM
Do you know why you can't hear the Pterodactyl use the bathroom?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Purple Wyrm on February 26, 2017, 11:38:09 PM
Do you know why you can't hear the Pterodactyl use the bathroom?Spoiler: show
Not a viewer of *Death in Paradise* by any chance are we? :)
Post by: Iceea on February 27, 2017, 02:11:51 PM
Not a viewer of *Death in Paradise* by any chance are we? :)
Actually I stole that from the comments from the Headless Bliss web toon. Which you might enjoy...
Post by: JoB on March 04, 2017, 06:52:56 PM
Do you know why you can't hear the Pterodactyl use the bathroom?Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: Anna on March 04, 2017, 10:14:39 PM
Post by: heiteru on March 05, 2017, 03:48:56 AM
A cat and a kitten at right angles from each other are purr-pendicular. :3Awwwww! It's adorable one!
Post by: JoB on March 05, 2017, 08:24:37 AM
A cat and a kitten at right angles from each other are purr-pendicular. :3They're more likely to cuddle up in purrallel, though.
Post by: Anna on March 07, 2017, 09:55:38 PM
Post by: urbicande on March 09, 2017, 02:49:53 PM
Post by: Iceea on March 09, 2017, 09:40:35 PM
The iPhone 7 wireless ear buds may not work but it didn't burn up like the Galaxy Note 7.
Post by: Iceea on March 14, 2017, 04:35:07 PM
Why do people get so excited about pi day?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Athena on March 16, 2017, 07:11:10 PM
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Purple Wyrm on March 16, 2017, 07:29:38 PM
Found a really bad one on Instagram today.
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?Spoiler: show
BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
;D
Post by: Shine on April 02, 2017, 08:41:37 AM
why don't you make it using python
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on April 06, 2017, 03:49:34 PM
One of my classmates is making his own version of snake, and someone asked him:Let me guess the answer ...
why don't you make it using python
Spoiler: show
Post by: Iceea on April 13, 2017, 02:53:56 PM
…
The plot thickens!
Post by: Shine on April 13, 2017, 04:15:20 PM
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.That is... incredibly beautiful. Imma steal it!
…
The plot thickens!
Post by: urbicande on April 13, 2017, 05:03:26 PM
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
…
The plot thickens!
The first dirty joke here!
Post by: Purple Wyrm on April 15, 2017, 08:50:15 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/Rgrn4Rc.png)
Post by: wavewright62 on April 15, 2017, 05:38:37 PM
I'm really not sure why I made this. But I did.
(https://i.imgur.com/Rgrn4Rc.png)
Old-timers tell the best jokes. (the computers, surely not *you* Mr Wyrm sir) How do I know they're old-timers? Check out the font.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on April 15, 2017, 08:29:10 PM
Old-timers tell the best jokes. (the computers, surely not *you* Mr Wyrm sir) How do I know they're old-timers? Check out the font.
Oh I don't know. I am getting on in years ;D
Post by: Anna on April 24, 2017, 11:12:21 AM
Post by: JoB on April 24, 2017, 03:19:24 PM
I have some jokes about my unemployment, but none of them work.I demand unenjoyment pay!
Post by: Anna on April 27, 2017, 08:12:57 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Rosepieces on April 27, 2017, 10:02:13 PM
Post by: urbicande on April 28, 2017, 03:25:31 PM
Anyone need a brewer joke? They're my special-tea!
They don't have any real tea in communist countries, because proper tea is theft.
Post by: Jethan on April 28, 2017, 10:19:38 PM
They don't have any real tea in communist countries, because proper tea is theft.
Brilliant joke.
I wish I could offer a pun in response. xD
Post by: JoB on April 29, 2017, 05:17:57 AM
They don't have any real tea in communist countries, because proper tea is theft.They're usually atheists, too, so the required teaology is right out.
Post by: Gwenno on April 29, 2017, 09:58:33 AM
They don't have any real tea in communist countries, because proper tea is theft.
Puns about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
;)
Post by: wavewright62 on May 05, 2017, 11:20:07 PM
Post by: Iceea on May 06, 2017, 11:30:03 PM
Puns about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
;)
I just got this now, groan.......................................................
Post by: Gwenno on May 07, 2017, 08:09:48 AM
I just got this now, groan.......................................................
Hahah, it took me a while to get it too when I first saw it :P The delay just adds to how amazing/awful it is
Post by: JoB on May 07, 2017, 08:11:19 AM
*hand thumping on the ground* STAHHP!No reason to start hostiliteas, mate ...
Post by: StellersJayC on May 12, 2017, 07:34:26 PM
Brother: Ow, that stung like a bee!
Dad: Oh? Let me see!
Me: Are you sure it's not a "D"?
EDIT (several days later):
Me: I'm not funny. I wish I was funny.
Mom: ...You're funny looking.
Me: Yeah, but I'm not trying for that, so it doesn't count.
Post by: OwlsG0 on May 15, 2017, 07:34:17 PM
Three guys are going out for some drinks. Two of the guys walk into a bar.
The third guy walks under it and calls an ambulance.
Post by: Anna on June 06, 2017, 08:30:34 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Purple Wyrm on June 06, 2017, 09:50:22 AM
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?Spoiler: show
Boooooo!
Post by: urbicande on June 06, 2017, 02:20:00 PM
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?Spoiler: show
I'm tempted to flame you for that.
Post by: JoB on June 07, 2017, 03:51:58 PM
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?(https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1295/7985/products/29409_PT02_large.jpg) (https://www.zippo.com/collections/windproof/products/three-monkeys?variant=31028251597)Spoiler: show
I'm tempted to flame you for that.(https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1295/7985/products/28671_MAIN_large.jpg) (https://www.zippo.com/collections/windproof/products/keep-calm-and-flame-on?variant=28387660609)
Post by: urbicande on July 07, 2017, 08:08:19 AM
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Iceea on July 07, 2017, 12:31:13 PM
Seen on Facebook this morning:
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?Spoiler: show
oh, oh, oh, it took that many reads for it to sink in...
Post by: JoB on July 07, 2017, 05:16:36 PM
oh, oh, oh, it took that many reads for it to sink in...Well, that's no wonder.
Spoiler: show
Post by: Noodles on July 07, 2017, 10:32:55 PM
Seen on Facebook this morning:pffffFFFFFFFFFFF ;D ;D
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?Spoiler: show
Post by: Anna on July 08, 2017, 02:05:55 AM
- Their our know rules
Post by: Purple Wyrm on August 16, 2017, 12:08:07 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Iceea on August 16, 2017, 11:01:56 AM
What's a blue whale's favourite James Bond film?Spoiler: show
pffft!
Post by: Antillanka on August 17, 2017, 02:57:31 PM
What's a blue whale's favourite James Bond film?Spoiler: show
Booooooooooo XD
Post by: Solokov on August 18, 2017, 12:24:10 AM
Why to chicken coops only have two doors?
Spoiler: show
Post by: wavewright62 on August 18, 2017, 01:08:42 AM
From my boss today.Booo! Sedan and shuddup!
Why to chicken coops only have two doors?Spoiler: show
Post by: Iceea on August 18, 2017, 10:36:16 AM
From my boss today.
Why to chicken coops only have two doors?Spoiler: show
Booo! Sedan and shuddup!
3 points!
Post by: Solokov on August 23, 2017, 11:12:30 PM
Spoiler: Dad Jokes II: The daddening • show
Post by: Shine on August 24, 2017, 01:57:24 AM
Spoiler: show
I was just about to post the shitzu joke, you monster.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on August 24, 2017, 04:19:03 AM
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
I've always heard that one about Davy Crocket
Post by: wavewright62 on August 24, 2017, 04:38:19 AM
I've always heard that one about Davy Crocket
Wasn't Davy's wild?
Post by: PickleChip on August 24, 2017, 04:51:12 AM
Where do cats go in the afterlife?
Purr-gatory
¿Dónde van los gatos en el más allá?
Pur-gato-rio
Post by: Purple Wyrm on August 24, 2017, 05:20:36 AM
Wasn't Davy's wild?
Indeed it was!
Post by: Róisín on August 24, 2017, 10:48:48 AM
Post by: Shine on August 24, 2017, 05:27:28 PM
And it's funny, for a pun.
Post by: Róisín on August 24, 2017, 11:06:47 PM
Post by: Solokov on August 25, 2017, 01:22:52 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Shine on August 25, 2017, 04:19:17 PM
Spoiler: show
I'm so sorry
Post by: Anna on August 28, 2017, 11:01:31 PM
Pretty sure I already made this one, but ok.Spoiler: Dad Jokes II: The daddening • show
Post by: Solokov on August 29, 2017, 01:56:55 AM
Pretty sure I already made this one, but ok.
To be fair I did stumble across your post after I'd posted when I was skimming through the thread.
Here's one I'm fairly certain nonone's posted yet.
Where does the Fonz like go to eat?
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on October 08, 2017, 11:08:11 AM
They count up to 9,999. (http://www.kirchenbedarf-friedrich.de/Kirchenbedarf/Sonstiges/Beichtzaehler.html) By my reckoning, that's at least one hour of clicking at top speed - and that's way faster than the lost sheep can talk.
Post by: wavewright62 on October 08, 2017, 06:29:07 PM
I browsed through the online store of a clergy outfitter today, and happened on confession counter devices. (Just to make sure everyone gets the point: While in the confession booth, the priest may be holding one of those in his hand so as to keep count of your sinful tale, and not hand you a less-than-adequate penance just because he's trying to forget the details again ASAP.)
They count up to 9,999. (http://www.kirchenbedarf-friedrich.de/Kirchenbedarf/Sonstiges/Beichtzaehler.html) By my reckoning, that's at least one hour of clicking at top speed - and that's way faster than the lost sheep can talk.
From what I understand, the confession / absolution process is based on faith, so you may now have to go confess that you have questioned the process, which may now exceed the parameters on your calculations. Sorry about that.
Post by: Anna on November 03, 2017, 05:09:44 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Purple Wyrm on November 03, 2017, 10:02:49 PM
(Sorry ;D)
Post by: Iceea on November 04, 2017, 12:09:04 AM
A pirate walks into a dockside tavern with a ship's wheel poking out of his trousers. The barman says "Sorry, but you do know there's a ship's wheel poking out of your trousers?". The pirate replies "Yaaaaar! It's drivin' me nuts!"
(Sorry ;D)
I know this is the bad jokes thread, but
and I'll bet you're not sorry at all :haw:
Post by: wavewright62 on November 04, 2017, 03:14:30 AM
What do you call a lazy kangaroo joey?quote author=Purple Wyrm link=topic=809.msg148679#msg148679 date=1509760969]Spoiler: show
A pirate walks into a dockside tavern with a ship's wheel poking out of his trousers. The barman says "Sorry, but you do know there's a ship's wheel poking out of your trousers?". The pirate replies "Yaaaaar! It's drivin' me nuts!"
(Sorry ;D)
[/quote]
Egad, I love this place.
Post by: Grey-cat2 on November 05, 2017, 09:19:11 AM
Sigh.
What's the main thing a banana and a guitar have in common?
Spoiler: show
Post by: tulikokko on November 05, 2017, 05:22:11 PM
Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underwear?
Ch-yer-nob'll fall out!
Post by: thorny on November 05, 2017, 06:49:21 PM
Who's there?
Arn.
Arn who?
Spoiler: show
(what??! you did say this was the bad jokes thread, didn't you?)
Post by: Purple Wyrm on November 06, 2017, 02:02:02 AM
Who's there?
The Interrupting Cow
The Interrupti..
MOOOOOOO!
Post by: JoB on November 15, 2017, 06:51:11 PM
"Unique!?", the somewhat on-edge agent shoots back, "bird imitators are a dime a dozen! Stop wasting my time with that!"
"Very well, suit yourself," says the man and flies out of the window.
Post by: Anna on November 29, 2017, 09:16:44 AM
Post by: Róisín on November 29, 2017, 09:34:29 AM
Post by: Anna on November 29, 2017, 10:13:52 AM
Grrroooannn! Anna, that's a shaggy story.Why, thank you! ;D
Post by: urbicande on November 30, 2017, 12:39:18 PM
A boy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but he gets them. He goes to rent a limousine. The rental line is very long but eventually he does it. He goes to get her flowers. The line at the florist’s is very long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get some punch. He goes to the refreshments table and there’s no punchline.
*groan*
Post by: wavewright62 on November 30, 2017, 02:29:26 PM
A boy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but he gets them. He goes to rent a limousine. The rental line is very long but eventually he does it. He goes to get her flowers. The line at the florist’s is very long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get some punch. He goes to the refreshments table and there’s no punchline.
bwahahahaHAHAHA Okay, I admit that I really like shaggy dog stories. I was the only one of my siblings who really shared this love with my father. *sniff* Dad jokes ftw.
Post by: JoB on December 25, 2017, 08:09:41 AM
Q: What happens if you put a bomb in a tin of alphabet spaghetti?
Spoiler: show
Q: What do you call a blind reindeer?
Spoiler: show
Q: What's the name of Father Christmas's wife?
Spoiler: show
Q: What do you call Father Christmas's helpers?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Anna on January 17, 2018, 02:06:31 PM
Post by: JoB on January 17, 2018, 07:04:20 PM
If we got all the cats in the world to meow at once, it would be catastrophically loud.[ponders arranging them into a fsssst array (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phased_array)]
Post by: Iceea on February 13, 2018, 11:20:00 PM
What is Yoda's favorite dinosaur?
Spoiler: show
And there's another one I heard tonight; oh yea almost forgot;
A blind man goes shopping with his seeing eye dog.
He walks into a store, stops in the middle, picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around and around.
A clerk sees this and comes running up in great distress and in a very anxious voice asks the blind man, "Sir, sir what are you doing??"
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on February 14, 2018, 05:49:24 PM
A blind man goes shopping with his seeing eye dog.(https://i0.wp.com/www.docrat.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Caption-competition-finished-068.png?resize=385%2C480) (http://www.docrat.com.au/category/competitions/)
He walks into a store, stops in the middle, picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around and around.
Post by: Anna on February 21, 2018, 11:56:26 PM
Spoiler: show
How much does it cost to get a piercing from a pirate?
Spoiler: show
Where does a werewolf sit in a theater?
Spoiler: show
Mitch: What kind of bird did you get at the pet store?
Joey: A keet.
Mitch: Don’t you mean a parakeet?
Joey: No, I only got one!
Post by: wavewright62 on February 22, 2018, 02:42:44 PM
Post by: Iceea on February 24, 2018, 10:57:52 PM
Edit 2/26: I passed that on to a friend who enjoys them, he responded with;
That reminds me of the time when one older kid came trick or treating to my house. He was dressed up as a pirate. I asked where his buccaneers were. He said,
Spoiler: show
Post by: Anna on February 26, 2018, 09:13:29 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: wavewright62 on February 27, 2018, 05:35:10 PM
Which is heavier, 100 pounds of bricks or 100 pounds of feathers?Spoiler: show
D'awww. As with all the best jokes, it carries truth.
Post by: Grade E cat on May 03, 2018, 02:58:23 PM
What does a French person say when they have to reluctantly throw a bunch of vegetables away?
Spoiler: show
If you don't speak French.
Spoiler: show
Post by: Róisín on May 03, 2018, 09:27:31 PM
The expression 'tant pis, tant mieux' doesn't translate precisely into English. Sort of 'so much the better, so much the worse', 'good if you succeed, too bad if you don't'.
Post by: Grade E cat on May 05, 2018, 02:15:46 AM
Post by: Róisín on May 05, 2018, 05:30:28 AM
Post by: Grade E cat on May 05, 2018, 06:53:00 AM
Post by: JoB on May 06, 2018, 02:47:42 PM
*looks with new respect at her own battered old copy*(https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/sssscomic/images/c/c6/Banknotes.png/revision/latest?cb=20151231163420)
Post by: Iceea on May 07, 2018, 04:45:57 PM
A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Post by: Buteo on May 09, 2018, 04:21:07 PM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 10, 2018, 04:34:01 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on May 10, 2018, 11:19:22 AM
What does Thor put on first thing in the morning?Well, unless he has slept in full clothingSpoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: urbicande on May 14, 2018, 12:29:43 PM
Well, unless he has slept in full clothingSpoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: Iceea on May 15, 2018, 12:11:15 PM
A funny bit from the movie/DVD Tim's Vermeer
2 Weeks
When a computer programmer says it will take 2 weeks to do something or finish a project, you run away screaming. Because that’s the generic answer for “I have no idea how long this is going to take”.
One rule of thumb is to double that and go to the next unit. So 2 weeks becomes 4 months.
Post by: Anna on May 31, 2018, 10:26:57 PM
Post by: Hearth on May 31, 2018, 11:42:02 PM
The past tense of William Shakespeare is Wouldiwas Shookspeared
That is brilliant and I love it and hate it in equal proportions (which is to say, I entirely love it) ;D
Post by: urbicande on June 04, 2018, 11:59:42 AM
The past tense of William Shakespeare is Wouldiwas Shookspeared
I need to show this to several people
Post by: Iceea on June 15, 2018, 10:24:03 AM
As comedian Bob Hope lay on his death bed in 2003, his wife Dolores asked him where he'd like to be buried.
His reply: "Surprise me."
Post by: Purple Wyrm on June 16, 2018, 05:15:13 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Anna on June 16, 2018, 08:30:05 PM
Post by: Iceea on June 25, 2018, 07:26:40 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/50TEUjQ.jpg)
Post by: Anna on June 25, 2018, 08:23:11 AM
I posted this in the OOC thread for the current RP adventure but it is worthy of wider considerationTruth! ;D
(https://i.imgur.com/50TEUjQ.jpg)
Post by: Iceea on July 09, 2018, 11:03:19 AM
for all those who are careful about what they eat
(https://i.imgur.com/MHSg9GR.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/uMlOheQ.jpg)
what? who me? nah, never
Post by: Anna on July 29, 2018, 08:44:38 AM
Post by: Hearth on August 04, 2018, 12:03:50 AM
I found some joke about fabric, but they’re all tearable.
I have a similar problem. I know a lot of good jokes about pizza, but they’re too cheesy
Post by: Purple Wyrm on August 06, 2018, 12:34:17 AM
With a gift of poison fish!
Post by: Grade E cat on August 06, 2018, 02:43:51 AM
Post by: Róisín on August 06, 2018, 06:52:35 AM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on August 06, 2018, 07:27:35 AM
I think I got that one. Is the target audience French-English bilinguals but any chance?
French-English-German trilinguals! :D
Got it also. I suspect we may be the target demographic.
Pretty much! ;D
Post by: Grade E cat on August 06, 2018, 10:16:47 AM
French-English-German trilinguals! :D
Too bad my German is so rusty, I'm probably missing the German part. *Googles gift+german* Oh, nice.
Post by: JoB on August 06, 2018, 04:27:00 PM
What's the best way to kill a linguist?Cue the fugu(e). ;)
With a gift of poison fish!
(Poisson sans boisson est poison, Fisch will schwimmen - which ceased to be true ever since fish became available refrigerated instead of only salted, but I digress.)
My favorite radio station had sort of a mini-competition today for the best answer to people peering into (someone else's) two-fer stroller and going "aaawwwww are they twins?!?". Seems that the winner was "no, triplets. We leave the ugly one at home."
Post by: beergood on August 07, 2018, 06:17:18 AM
"Look! Here's the perfect proof of why English is the most beautiful language. 'Butterfly' - it expresses perfectly the movement of this delicate creature, how it flutters by..."
"Non," says the French linguist. "Ze French word for zis ethereal insect is 'papillon' - just listen, 'ow ze word is just as soft and untouchable as ze butterfly itself. French is ze most beautiful language!"
"No no no," says the Spanish linguist. "De Spanish word for butterfly is 'mariposa'. Can you imayine a word dat more perfectly captures de beauitful colores of de wings, de way de sunlight shines tru dem? Spanish is de most eloquent languaje!"
And so on. The Italian offers "farfalle", the Dutchman "vlinder", the Swede "fjäril", the Dane "sommerfugl", the Finn "perhonen", the Irishman "féileacán"... And finally the German has enough, pounds his fist on the table and shouts:
"Und vot is vrong mit SCHMETTERLING?!?"
Post by: Grade E cat on August 07, 2018, 11:08:54 AM
Post by: JoB on August 07, 2018, 02:08:15 PM
"Und vot is vrong mit SCHMETTERLING?!?"To give credit where credit is due, we borrowed "smetana" (cream, in the same vein as "butter (https://en.wiktionary.org/w/index.php?title=butterfly#Etymology)fly") from Czech for that one. :P
Post by: wavewright62 on August 07, 2018, 05:10:05 PM
Back in the 20s or 30s, there was supposedly a real competition for the most beautiful language, with Italian taking first and Estonian second. A Google search suggests that the Estonian entry was the sentence "Sõida tasa üle silla (Go slowly over the bridge)" but my mother used to tell it as "Ulla oli silla üle, õlu õles alla (Girl named Ulla went over the bridge with a beer under her shoulder)." Inspiring stuff.
Post by: Iceea on August 24, 2018, 03:34:09 PM
Because then,
Wait for it,
Because then they’d be, Gershwin’s rap CDs in blue…
I sent this to a colleague at work who responded with:
My brother bought a racing snail but he wasn’t performing very well so he took the racing shell off of that snail to give to one of his other racing snails.
Now the first snail is acting sluggish.
Post by: Anna on October 29, 2018, 10:21:27 AM
When it becomes apparent.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on October 29, 2018, 11:05:40 PM
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent.
BOOOOOOOOO!!! ;D
Post by: JoB on October 31, 2018, 03:09:40 PM
BOOOOOOOOO!!! ;DS-mother it!
Post by: Anna on October 31, 2018, 03:16:15 PM
“Pick a cod, any cod.”
Post by: Antillanka on November 23, 2018, 09:05:23 PM
Post by: vegetablemonster on November 25, 2018, 06:19:15 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Mebediel on November 25, 2018, 08:19:29 PM
Post by: wavewright62 on November 26, 2018, 01:50:36 AM
Joke is slightly crude so I'm putting it under a spoiler.Spoiler: show
Note for British English speakers: This does not rhyme with "you mine." (Even after 20+ years, it still makes me pause to hear someone pronounce it that way.)
Oh dear, does this mean I must now reciprocate? *wracks brain*
Spoiler: favourite bad word that is not necessarily a bad word joke • show
Post by: Anna on November 26, 2018, 02:10:31 AM
Note for British English speakers: This does not rhyme with "you mine." (Even after 20+ years, it still makes me pause to hear someone pronounce it that way.)It won’t open?
Oh dear, does this mean I must now reciprocate? *wracks brain*Spoiler: favourite bad word that is not necessarily a bad word joke • show
Post by: Róisín on November 26, 2018, 02:19:48 AM
Post by: thorny on November 26, 2018, 10:32:38 AM
It will, however, open in Anna's quote of that post.
It'll also open in wavewright's post if I try opening it while on the reply page.
This is strange.
Post by: JoB on November 26, 2018, 10:43:11 AM
Spoiler: favourite "bad word that is not necessarily a bad word" joke • show
Post by: wavewright62 on November 26, 2018, 01:23:50 PM
Post by: Iceea on November 26, 2018, 03:13:34 PM
Ja, fixed it now. I tend to forget which punctuation marks don't work in spoiler headers. The joke's not good enough for all the palaver, either. Sorry folks.
I enjoyed it. Probably because I've been an enlisted person in the military...
Post by: Róisín on November 26, 2018, 04:38:51 PM
Post by: wavewright62 on November 26, 2018, 08:56:45 PM
And Australians may use that word as a term of familiarity or affection, as in "How are you, you old b-? Haven't seen you for ages."Exactly. I've heard my bosses give job references, "he's a good bastard, that."
Post by: Iceea on November 27, 2018, 12:24:20 PM
Many years ago there was a movie about events during the Boer War where the British brought in Empire troops to help with the fighting. Some Aussie's got caught up in the death of a civilian. All trumped up evidence, a real crock 'O poop situation. End result was they were found guilty and sentenced to die by a firing squad of their own men. Final scene was the shooting. Just before the command was given to fire one of the sentenced ones calls out to his mates, "Do it right ya bastards".
Truly a universal term of respect.
Post by: Róisín on November 28, 2018, 12:26:13 AM
'Here in my prison cell I sit
A deuced crestfallen chappie,
And own I find myself a bit
A little bit - unhappy.'
Post by: wavewright62 on November 28, 2018, 01:04:51 PM
You might find interesting the death song made by one Harry 'Breaker' Morant, one of those set up as an'example' to the 'impertinent and insubordinate' Aussie soldiers, while he was awaiting execution. It is a classic example of bleak Australian humour. I can't do links but if you want to look it up, the first lines are:
'Here in my prison cell I sit
A deuced crestfallen chappie,
And own I find myself a bit
A little bit - unhappy.'
https://mypoeticside.com/show-classic-poem-20112 (https://mypoeticside.com/show-classic-poem-20112)
Fascinating stuff!
Post by: Róisín on November 28, 2018, 05:27:08 PM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on December 04, 2018, 11:26:41 PM
From an Australian perspective the b word is being used in three clear, distinct ways here, which could be calqued as follows...
Which one of you [people who I regard as friends] is the [neutral term for person] that called this [neutral term for person] a [offensive slur]?
Post by: wavewright62 on December 06, 2018, 01:16:02 PM
Post by: Anna on January 04, 2019, 10:49:31 PM
A hisstorian.
Post by: Grade E cat on January 05, 2019, 05:00:30 AM
Post by: Iceea on January 17, 2019, 12:03:51 AM
Kiel, "I had a feeling it was the big ugly coming back to bite my arse."
Diva,"What's plan B?"
Kiel, "Already did plan B"
Diva, "Plan C?"
I've been there...
Post by: Iceea on January 20, 2019, 01:04:27 PM
A series of bad/good ones occurred in our RP Discord. This one particularly tweaked my head. I believe it was from Solokov.
What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Anna on February 04, 2019, 11:09:09 AM
Aware Wolf
Post by: Antillanka on March 12, 2019, 07:29:58 PM
Post by: Anna on March 12, 2019, 07:55:29 PM
*chuckling against my will*My work here is done. >:D
Post by: Gwenno on April 07, 2019, 01:19:08 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Anna on April 28, 2019, 08:52:22 PM
“Pick a cod, any cod!”
EDIT: crap, copied myself!
Post by: ILoveMySocksAndSweater on April 29, 2019, 09:37:34 PM
If horses wear horse shoes then they must wear horse socks too, because only an animal would wear shoes without socks!
*a laugh track emits from a broken speaker*
Post by: Demopans on April 30, 2019, 07:25:00 AM
Knock knock
Who’s there
The Doctor
Doctor Who?
Post by: Anna on May 01, 2019, 11:22:15 PM
It might crack up. :V
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 09, 2019, 07:17:31 AM
We all heard this one I’m sure:
Knock knock
Who’s there
The Doctor
Doctor Who?
When I was a kid the final line was "Doctor Who from Channel Two!" since said channel broadcast the show :)
Post by: wavewright62 on May 09, 2019, 05:16:49 PM
Post by: Róisín on May 09, 2019, 08:31:39 PM
Post by: Anna on May 16, 2019, 12:54:13 AM
C’mon, it’s a dead giveaway!
Post by: Ana Nymus on May 16, 2019, 10:50:39 AM
There are three things I hate in this world: the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities.
Post by: wavewright62 on May 17, 2019, 06:02:23 AM
I came across this one the other day, but I can't seem to find its source:Oh, bravo to the author!
There are three things I hate in this world: the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities.
Post by: JoB on May 22, 2019, 09:45:50 AM
What do you call a news-aggregating periodical for German "risk and capital management" (i.e., insurance companies, in German, "Versicherungen" or, if you insist on olde, high-brow, straight-from-Latin vocabulary, "Assekuranzen")?
Definitely. Not. This (https://www.asscompact.de/).
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 22, 2019, 07:57:43 PM
Definitely. Not. This (https://www.asscompact.de/).
Oh dear ;D
Post by: Solokov on May 23, 2019, 06:13:54 AM
My daughter's (Jewish) primary school once put on a play featuring a Doctor Who-like character, but who was actually Doctor Me (the word for 'who' in Hebrew is pronounced as 'me'). The script called for multiple walk-ons, deliberately to make use of the pun. ("Wait, who are you?" "Yes, I'm Me!" "Who?" "Me!" "Sorry, but you are me?" "Yes, that's right! Who!" "Uh, me?" and so on) - cue 10yo moppets laughing their heads off every time.Sounds like a modification of who's on first.
Post by: Mebediel on May 23, 2019, 07:25:48 PM
Sounds like a modification of who's on first.Love that bit! Feel like it could also be tied into Doctor Who if it hasn't been already.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 24, 2019, 08:05:26 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Grade E cat on May 24, 2019, 01:12:26 PM
I found a statement that is apparently best delivered by a French person, so here I go:
I have four-twenty-ten-nine problems, and one of them is my country's counting system.
Post by: JoB on May 24, 2019, 02:39:19 PM
Why does the Swedish defence force put barcodes on all its ships?Why doesn't the Norwegian navy?
Spoiler: show
I have four-twenty-ten-nine problems, and one of them is my country's counting system.Welcome to Denmark (https://satwcomic.com/just-a-number) ...
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cc0MGsmWoAI8N9z.jpg)
(FWIW, the French spoken in the Benelux (B+NL+LU) and Switzerland uses "nonante-sept" (literally "ninety-seven") instead of F+CAN "quatre-vingt-dix-sept".)
Post by: Grade E cat on May 24, 2019, 02:49:32 PM
(FWIW, the French spoken in the Benelux (B+NL+LU) and Switzerland uses "nonante-sept" (literally "ninety-seven") instead of F+CAN "quatre-vingt-dix-sept".)
I used to write my fanfics in French, and I saw the difference when a Belgian person started publishing in the same fandom as me. At the time, it made me feel like I was reading English translated word-to-word.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 24, 2019, 07:15:51 PM
Why doesn't the Norwegian navy?Spoiler: show
I bow to your superior punning skills! ;D
Post by: Demopans on May 24, 2019, 08:14:15 PM
Why doesn't the Norwegian navy?I wonder what language has a worse system than Danish...Spoiler: show
Welcome to Denmark (https://satwcomic.com/just-a-number) ...
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cc0MGsmWoAI8N9z.jpg)
(FWIW, the French spoken in the Benelux (B+NL+LU) and Switzerland uses "nonante-sept" (literally "ninety-seven") instead of F+CAN "quatre-vingt-dix-sept".)
Post by: Anna on May 25, 2019, 01:07:51 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Anna on September 07, 2019, 12:56:20 PM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on September 07, 2019, 08:04:27 PM
Some aquatic mammals escaped their enclosure at the zoo. It was otter chaos.
BOOOO!!! ;D
Post by: JoB on September 08, 2019, 02:19:30 PM
Some aquatic mammals escaped their enclosure at the zoo. It was otter chaos.Ah? The staff's training has been improved, then. The last escape had turned into an all-out pandamonium.
Post by: Grade E cat on September 08, 2019, 02:59:29 PM
Ah? The staff's training has been improved, then. The last escape had turned into an all-out pandamonium.
I hear the zookeeper threw a giraffe-it over that one.
Post by: wavewright62 on September 08, 2019, 04:40:36 PM
I hear the zookeeper threw a giraffe-it over that one.You ain't lion.
Post by: thorny on September 08, 2019, 10:28:39 PM
Post by: JoB on September 09, 2019, 10:05:33 AM
That's not a gnu joke.*sigh* Tough Augie (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augsburger) hens today ...
Post by: Anna on September 09, 2019, 10:15:02 AM
*sigh* Tough Augie (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augsburger) hens today ...Stoatally. I did steal it though, I tend to use the internet to ferret out jokes.
Post by: Solokov on September 12, 2019, 03:43:00 PM
Post by: wavewright62 on September 12, 2019, 03:55:56 PM
What kind of computer can sing really well?A Commodore?
Post by: Solokov on September 12, 2019, 04:25:20 PM
A Commodore?
Nope. A Dell.
Post by: wavewright62 on September 12, 2019, 07:47:53 PM
Nope. A Dell.Ba-dum-tssssh
(http://i989.photobucket.com/albums/af14/epierceabbott/Screen%20Shot%202016-06-09%20at%2018.49.29_zpskgnjyknr.png)
Post by: Solokov on September 13, 2019, 02:15:12 AM
Post by: wavewright62 on September 13, 2019, 06:31:49 AM
Post by: Grade E cat on September 28, 2019, 02:06:11 PM
The Fatal Family Photo (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FatalFamilyPhoto) is an overused cliché.
Post by: JoB on September 28, 2019, 05:43:37 PM
Accidentally came up with a pun for bilinguals:... three points Abzug (https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Abzug) for Hufflepun ...
The Fatal Family Photo (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FatalFamilyPhoto) is an overused cliché.
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on October 20, 2019, 06:44:45 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on October 20, 2019, 07:28:43 PM
Post by: wavewright62 on October 21, 2019, 07:31:13 PM
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on October 26, 2019, 04:28:45 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on October 26, 2019, 04:32:53 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on October 26, 2019, 04:37:32 PM
Post by: Grade E cat on October 27, 2019, 10:00:51 AM
Two cats have a swimming race. One is named One-Two-Three and one is named Un-Deux-Trois. Which one wins?
Spoiler: show
Post by: wavewright62 on October 27, 2019, 03:28:30 PM
Post by: JoB on October 28, 2019, 09:16:46 AM
Two cats have a swimming race. One is named One-Two-Three and one is named Un-Deux-Trois.How did the other comment on his victory, "For Fievel! (http://"https://anamericantail.fandom.com/wiki/An_American_Tail:_Fievel_Goes_West?file=Vlcsnap-2015-05-21-09h36m17s441.png")"? ;)
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on October 28, 2019, 02:50:36 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Mebediel on November 01, 2019, 01:41:21 PM
When does a joke become a dad joke?Hey now, these jokes are going too far...that is, father than they should beSpoiler: show
Post by: Anna on November 04, 2019, 07:02:52 PM
Post by: wavewright62 on November 06, 2019, 03:03:09 PM
If womb is pronounced “woom”, and tomb is pronounced “toom”, shouldn’t bomb be pronounced “boom”?
That's "earth-shattering ka-BOOM" to you... ;D
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on November 06, 2019, 11:40:28 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Grade E cat on November 07, 2019, 12:55:37 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: wavewright62 on November 07, 2019, 06:26:20 PM
What's brown and sticky?Spoiler: show
I know what else is brown and sticky.Spoiler: show
(http://i.imgur.com/XpIYGaV.jpg?1)
Post by: Solokov on November 12, 2019, 12:23:36 AM
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on November 15, 2019, 01:42:19 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on November 15, 2019, 03:26:06 PM
What bone is the coolest bone?*ahem (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eisbein)*
(Note that the Wikipedia article is in error to translate "Bein" with its current standard meaning of "leg" here, instead of the outdated meaning but directly related word of "bone".)
Post by: Purple Wyrm on November 18, 2019, 06:13:14 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on November 20, 2019, 06:43:26 AM
A day passes.... my condolences. (SCNR)
Post by: IntensiTea on November 21, 2019, 03:56:05 AM
Two drums and a cymbal fall off of a cliff.
Ba-dum! Tssss!
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on November 25, 2019, 05:43:24 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: wavewright62 on November 26, 2019, 10:50:03 PM
Where would you go to hire a Russian cat?Spoiler: show
*eyes roll backward into skull*
Post by: IntensiTea on November 30, 2019, 08:28:44 PM
"What are you studying?"
"Aesthetic chemistry."
Spoiler: show
Post by: Purple Wyrm on December 01, 2019, 06:30:08 AM
One day a village in the islands decided they needed a circle, so they called in McAllan. He came in, surveyed the site and came up with a design that everyone agreed was brilliant. Then he presented his fee - 100 copper torcs.
The village couldn't afford this, but a local spoke up claiming he could erect the circle for half that cost. So McAllan left and the local got to work. True to his word he got the entire thing finished to McAllan's design before the winter solstice and collected his fee of 50 copper torcs, which he used to retire and build a longhouse.
So, from that day, when visitors came to the village and saw the very impressive stone circle they'd ask "Is that a Callan McAllan?" and the locals would reply "Well, it's certainly Callan-ish"
(I am so sorry :)))
Post by: Róisín on December 01, 2019, 10:48:45 AM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on December 01, 2019, 06:18:31 PM
Grooooaaan! Wyrm, that is awfully funny, or funnily awful, or something! Appreciated, since most of my other recent conversations about Callanish have been sad or serious.
Thank you! It just popped into my head when I was going to bed the other day and I realised there was only one place I could put it ;D
Post by: donthangdamien on December 08, 2019, 06:50:28 PM
I'm sorry to say no pun in ten did.
Post by: Róisín on December 08, 2019, 08:56:08 PM
Post by: Solokov on December 09, 2019, 11:05:04 AM
A bar walks into a man, the bar says "Oops, I think we mixed this up."
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on December 26, 2019, 06:41:44 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on January 05, 2020, 10:28:45 PM
Post by: Anna on January 05, 2020, 11:09:27 PM
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on January 20, 2020, 05:06:45 PM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on January 20, 2020, 11:17:19 PM
If a child refuses to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
BOOOOOOO!! ;D
Post by: JoB on January 21, 2020, 05:49:40 AM
If a child refuses to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?In theory. For all practical purposes, we don't want to jail them; compulsory education's gonna fix that problem real quick.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on January 21, 2020, 08:51:33 AM
Locals are not worried, as there's more than one way to Skinnekatt.
Post by: wavewright62 on January 21, 2020, 04:15:08 PM
News Flash! The main road into the tiny Scottish village of Skinnekatt has been cut off by a landslide.
Locals are not worried, as there's more than one way to Skinnekatt.
(https://i.imgur.com/yf1BLoS.png)
And on that note, what do you do with a sick boat?
You take it to the doc!
Also, to The Narcisstic Mage: booo hehehehe keep 'em coming
Edit: omg I found a Dad Joke site (I think linking would mebbe be against the Forum's Terms of Use), here's a sample:
Kermit the frog went to the bank. He was seated at the desk of loan officer Patricia Wack, who asked him a few questions. “Why should we give you this loan?” “Well, my father is Mick Jagger…” Patricia was unimpressed, “Do you have any collateral?” Kermit reached into his pocket and pulled out a few small figurines. Frowning, Patricia decided to call in her manager. She explained that Kermit wasn’t meeting their criteria, and instead just offering up these irrelevant bits of information and pieces of junk.
Frustrated, the manager pointed to the figurines and exclaimed, “Those are knick-knacks, Patty Wack! Give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on January 29, 2020, 01:55:02 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Grade E cat on January 29, 2020, 02:43:58 PM
(thought it'd be funnier if you got it from an actual French person)
Post by: Solokov on February 24, 2020, 06:37:22 PM
Post by: Purple Wyrm on February 25, 2020, 11:17:20 PM
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar, the rabbit says "I might be a typo."
I'll be using that one! :D
Post by: Yastreb on March 24, 2020, 09:59:42 AM
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.
There are 10 types of people in this world; those that can ready binary, and those that can't.
Rene Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Will you have the usual?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and disappears.
Heisenberg may have been here.
Post by: Yastreb on March 24, 2020, 10:01:29 AM
Did you know that french fries are not actually cooked in france?
No, but if you hum the tune, I'll join in.
Post by: Jitter on March 24, 2020, 11:37:39 AM
- those who can extrapolate from an incomplete set
Post by: Yastreb on March 24, 2020, 12:39:44 PM
After that round of business failures, it comes as no surprise that a salvage company has gone under, a building firm went to the wall, and a radio station called in the receivers.
This just in; a sanitation company was taken to the cleaners, and a company trading in surplus armoured vehicles has tanked.
Finally... an airline specialising in off-peak travel turned out to be a fly-by-night operation.
Post by: Yastreb on March 27, 2020, 07:49:25 AM
An international chess championship was being held in a five-star hotel, and the manager became increasingly vexed by the keen spectators who would hang around in the atrium by the entrance, singing the praises of this or that national champion.
Finally he ordered them to hold such meetings outside the hotel. As he explained to his staff, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"
In apartheid-era South Africa, it was the law that the race of competitors at every sports event be clearly stated; hence the sign that read THE WRESTLERS ARE NATIVE TONIGHT.
When Alexander the Great was marching east he equipped each of his men with a piece of red cloth to be worn around the wrist. The piece of cloth served to provide the men with an indication of the weather and time of day. When the cloth was wet, it told them that it was raining, if the cloth was dry, the weather was good, if the cloth was black, it was night time, when it was bright red, the sun was out, if it was brown, it was time to bathe. This piece of cloth was commonly referred to as Alexander's Rag Time Band.
A South Korean named Syngman Rhee had a brother who was a reporter for Life Magazine in the days when that magazine was still flourishing. Life Magazine sent him into the wilds of Africa to track down a story. And nothing was heard from the reporter for weeks.
At last, very much alarmed about the missing reporter, Life magazine hired a team of reporters to go searching for him -- a man and a woman. They trekked through the jungle, they journeyed through town after town -- and at last their persistence was rewarded with success.
The lady exclaimed with great joy: "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you!'
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose badge ID's her as Patricia Wak.
"Miss Wak, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wak. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Post by: Yastreb on March 28, 2020, 10:55:52 AM
"I donated to the wrong charity!" she said with some misgiving.
"I'm dating a porn star!" he ejaculated.
"Put the gun away," he said disarmingly.
"I'm an alchemist, so I know an alembic when I see one!" he retorted.
Post by: Yastreb on March 29, 2020, 10:46:55 PM
The first time I saw a universal remote, I thought "wow, this changes everything."
I heard they work best on a salt and battery charges.
Oh dear.
That was my response last week when I went hunting for venison and returned empty-handed.
I went looking for a dear but ended up watching an ant elope. It was a beautiful ceremony.
I went to a TV antennas wedding. The reception was fantastic
I gave away all my used batteries...free of charge.
Take that man away and lock him in a dry cell!
And now... here is the
Police chased the getaway cat for 40 miles.
Arthur Kitchener was seriously burned when he came in contact with a high voltage wife.
An amazingly gripping story of ten men lost in the dessert.
A dense fox on Friday night did not promise well for hunting with the Essex Union.
At the station he bought a ram sandwich.
The skeleton was believed to be that of a Saxon worrier.
Following the fire in the work in York Hill, planning applications to rebuild the factory were refused, so that nasty repairs had to suffice.
The steam trawler Ingoldsby sang mysteriously during the night.
Brian Saunders has been awarded the RSPCA bronze medal for rescuing a car trapped up a tree.
The speaker told of his adventure with a perilous bra constrictor.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on March 30, 2020, 03:58:12 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 01, 2020, 12:59:22 AM
Ah, my dear, don't worry, it's a simple enough job; you'll be providing a bath for Countess Bathory.
Silence in the ranks! You're to report to HMS Erebus and HMS Terror for the Franklin Expedition.
Volunteer crewmen needed for WS-125 nuclear bombers; this position is restricted to family men over forty
Agricultural labourers needed for North American primary producers; free passage and food supplied, long-term employment guaranteed.
Broaden your horizons! See the world! Consider a career as an in-flight attendant on the all-new Hindenburg zeppelin!
Buenas dias, senores! I am Don Pedro de Ursua, and this is my loyal lieutenant, Lopez de Aguirre. I assure you that our journey will be both memorable and profitable.
Deckhand wanted for routine New York-Liverpool trading voyage. Apply to Captain Charles Briggs aboard the Mary Celeste.
Listen up - I need a volunteer for navigator duty on Flight 19. Report to Lieutenant Taylor at 1400 - it's just a routine training flight over the Florida Keys; you won't be gone long!
Trail hands and guides required to escort Donner party across Rockies to California. Own weapons not required. Fat, healthy, well-marbled applicants will be viewed favourably.
Once the test is completed, you are to collect as many pieces of the bomb casing as you can find inside the area. Doctor Oppenheimer and his team need them right away for evaluation.
The Sergeant's just let me have a peek at the new orders from London that he's taking in to the Colonel after lunch. I couldn't read it all, but it seems the Battalion's going to be doing prisoner escort duty somewhere. I didn't recognise the name but it was at some Bay somewhere New down in South Wales, so at least they're not sending us off overseas.
Post by: Róisín on April 01, 2020, 10:14:11 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 01, 2020, 10:07:28 PM
Meanwhile, we present...
THE CURSE OF THE BABELFISH!
This Yugoslav hotel prides itself on its service – THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID – and its lifts are truly magical: TO MOVE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF CABIN SHOULD ENTER MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS NUMBER OF WISHING FLOOR.
Japanese hotels also provide excellent service: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID and know that some customers just aren’t that honest: IS FORBITTEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT PERSON TO DO SUCH THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ THIS NOTIS.
Thai hoteliers know who to trust: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
Meanwhile, in Zurich they prefer to keep things out in the open: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE
But Parisians definitely know the score, and don’t care what’s going on: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK
Perhaps that's why a Polish hotel wishes its guests: SWEAT DREAMS
In an Austrian hotel climbers are kindly asked: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION
Bucharest hoteliers don't seem to like their guests much: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE
East Germany didn't like them either: PLEASE HANG YOURSELF HERE.
Tourists would be well-advised to steer clear of this Rhodes tailor: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION
But you can get the right gear for the job at a Paris dress shop: DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING
This Bangkok laundry knows what its customers want: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS
And so does this laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING HAVE A GOOD TIME
Hiring a car in Tokyo sounds delightful: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR
The traffic signs are worrying: CARS WILL NOT HAVE INTERCOURSE ON THIS BRIDGE
And no less strange in another Japanese city, Kyushi: STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS
Whatever you do, don't ever risk parking in Luxor: PARKINGINWRONGPLACES WILL MAKEYOU ACCOUNTALBETOLAW APARTFROM BEING ATRESPASSINGONTHERIGHT OFTHECITIZENANDTHESTATE
This German campsite is a tad puritanical: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THAT PURPOSE.
Whereas in Thailand they advertise donkey rides: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Meanwhile, on a Russian cruise liner…be alarmed. Be very alarmed. HELPSAVING APPARATA IN EMERGINGS BEHOLD MANY WHITLES! ASSOCIATE THE STRINGING APPARATA ABOUT THE BONSOMES AND MEET BEHIND. FLEE THEN TO THE INDIFFERENT LIFESAVERING SHIPPEN OBEDIENCING THE INSTRUCTS OF THE VESSEL CHEF!
Post by: Yastreb on April 04, 2020, 02:53:06 AM
Beauty and the Boast – She’s hot and she wants everyone to know it!
Fantastic Flour – it’s a bakeoff like no other
Last Mango in Paris – Some people will do anything for a decent fruit salad
Lord of the Rungs – The race for the top has never been cheaper
Mulder on the Orient Express – He must solve a mystery that doesn’t involve the paranormal…
President Evil – The new blockbuster movie from the DPRK. “A true story… you will believe or be shot” (Kim Jung-Un)
Rambo: First Blond Part 2 – He leaves no man behind, if you know what I mean…
Scareface – “Say hello to my little fiend!”
Seven Bridges for Seven Brothers – Sibling rivalry spawns a contest of civil engineering
The Delta Farce – There’s something wrong on the Mekong
The Filth Element – Can a simple sewage worker save the world before it all goes down the toilet?
The Frowning Pool – They may be happy campers but they ain’t happy swimmers!
The Puns of Navarone – Allied comedians are sent on a secret mission to seek out and destroy the fiendish Nazi Killer Joke
Where Beagles Dare – Snoopy comes out of retirement to take on Manfred von Richthofen Junior
Post by: Purple Wyrm on April 05, 2020, 12:36:41 AM
The Puns of Navarone
Reminds me of one of the Sandy Mitchell Ciaphus Cain novels that features a convent of Battle Nuns located on a plateau suspiciously named 'Gavarrone' :))
Post by: Yastreb on April 06, 2020, 02:27:53 AM
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I pulled the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, except for one glass, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the second bottle and did the same, except for one glass, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the good old booze down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
Post by: Yastreb on April 09, 2020, 06:16:09 PM
The evil Necromancer had a personal seal made from the bones of baby swans - he loved to flourish his cygnet ring.
An intervention order brought against a self-styled musician who played a drum kit and a bugle at all hours. The local paper reported their action under the headline ONE MAN BANNED.
A gifted but eccentric dancer insisted on performing at night with the only illumination provided by a stage hand with a Verey pistol. Reviewers were unanimous; she did her act with flare.
The burglar who broke into Baron Fields' collection of medieval musical instruments had a specific target in mind, and made a clean getaway with the lute.
The window washer slipped off the ladder and fell through the glass. He was rushed to hospital with a pane in his elbow.
Two colleagues drew each other’s names in the office Secret Santa; upon learning that his friend had bought him a magnificently stuffed and mounted seabird John made an identical order at the same taxidermist. "After all," he observed, "one good tern deserves another."
Post by: Yastreb on April 12, 2020, 09:47:35 PM
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, speaks tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
4. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
10. Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way again" giving much joy to the congregation
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Pat's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will give a farewell message after which the choir will sing Break Forth Into Joy.
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
22. Please place the donation in an envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
25. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be hymns in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and be ready to sin.
28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
29. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
30. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
31. Eighth graders will present Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
32. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Post by: Yastreb on April 13, 2020, 07:20:15 PM
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
The technician suspected of causing his peers had never thought of the blast as "bright."
A Hawaiian, Chun was inspired by the garments worn by plantation workers and the silk shirts made from kimono scraps, and in 1931 invented the Aloha Shirt.
A Hawaiian, the garments worn by plantation workers inspired Chun and the silk shirts made from kimono scraps, and in 1931 invented the Aloha Shirt.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
July 4th is no longer a public holidaying?
Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his 8-year-old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner.
His 8-year-old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner, 42 years old, murdered Peter Stone.
The object was later stated by the US military to have been a specialised surveillance balloon.
The US military to have been a specialised surveillance balloon later stated the object.
Georgann Williams, 28, of Little Rock, Arkansas, was killed after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by eyewitnesses.
Eyewitnesses killed Georgann Williams, 28, of Little Little Rock, Arkansas, after leaping through her moving car’s sunroof during an incident best described as “a mistaken rapture”.
Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left.
Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to leave.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably would work anyway.
Post by: Yastreb on April 17, 2020, 01:00:38 AM
How to give a cat a pill
1) Pick cat up. Cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open. Push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure that pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Get cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard. Close door on neck; leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to hospital. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Post by: Róisín on April 17, 2020, 02:16:00 AM
By the way, your parcel arrived today with book and stuff, all got here safely. Thank you thank you! The tree Book is wonderful. Star says thank you too.
Post by: Grade E cat on April 17, 2020, 03:21:35 AM
Post by: Jitter on April 17, 2020, 06:23:08 AM
1) hold pill like treat
2) result
Grade E cat, you are clearly a Grade A cat whisperer!
Post by: thorny on April 17, 2020, 10:57:48 AM
How to give a cat a pill
How to give a pill to a dog:
Yes, but in the other direction:
How to housebreak a puppy
--- 1) Choose a puppy over 12 weeks old. Bladder control won't be good enough before that.
--- 2) Put the puppy in a small confined space. Make sure space is easily cleanable.
--- 3) Clean the space.
--- 4) Clean the space.
--- 5) Clean the space.
--- 6) Give up and accept that the puppy needs, for now, to be able to scent its new quarters with the familiar scent of puppy piss. Leave the space as is, put puppy on leash, take puppy outdoors.
--- 7) Try to encourage puppy to use suitable spot.
--- 8 ) No, not that spot! Over this way, please!
--- 9) (half an hour later) Oh, good good dog! (Finally!)
--- 10) Repeat steps 7 through 9 every couple of hours, every day, for the next couple of months.
--- 11) In intervals between 10, watch puppy like hawk whenever it's not in restricted quarters, in case you didn't do 10 often enough.
--- 12) Repeatedly over the next couple of months: Clean up the results of blinking at the wrong moment. (Maybe somewhere around the second week you can also clean the restricted quarters and have some chance that they'll stay that way.)
--- 13) Congratulations! Your puppy is housebroken! Maybe. Except when you couldn't get home soon enough. And except when it's excited, or scared, or just extra glad to see you.
How to housebreak a kitten:
--- 1) Choose a kitten over 5 weeks or so old. (actually, for socialization 8 weeks or so is much better if you're separating kitten from mother; but for housebreaking 5 to 6 weeks will do.)
--- 2) Put kitten in a room with cat pan, and without anything else similar that kitten could dig in.
--- 3) Your kitten is now housebroken.
Post by: Jitter on April 17, 2020, 01:29:23 PM
Exceptions also include when it has something wrong, including but not limited to, bladder infection, when she is in heat or he sniffs there is a female in heat somewhere within the 10 block radius, when another dog visits your house (and for two weeks after this), as well as just because :)
Post by: thorny on April 18, 2020, 03:54:59 PM
(The heat issues, for both male and female and for both species, can of course generally be taken care of -- or better yet, prevented -- by a bit of surgery at the vet's.)
Post by: Vulpes on April 18, 2020, 06:53:43 PM
I do have to admit that all those exceptions can apply to cats; with the addition of Because The Cat Is Mad At You.
(The heat issues, for both male and female and for both species, can of course generally be taken care of -- or better yet, prevented -- by a bit of surgery at the vet's.)
A neighbour had an adult cat, never had any trouble with it... until he got a dog. The cat took one look and went into hiding. That seemed reasonable, they figured it'd get curious and re-appear in an hour or two. Then his wife went to finish doing the laundry. She had left a pile of clothes on the floor; one of his shirts had been extracted from the middle of the pile, and was sitting beside the other clothes with a cat turd on it. And that was the end of that - message sent. Cat never did it again.
Here's a meta-joke. My cousin has her own special way with jokes. One day she had a new one to share: Two ducks go fo a swim. After, one duck turns to the other and says, "Can I borrow your towel?" The other duck says, "What do you think I am, a hair-dryer?" Cousin goes off into gales of laughter, as the rest of us stare at her, until her sister says, "I think that was supposed to be a duck and a rabbit..."
Post by: Jitter on April 18, 2020, 08:17:17 PM
What is the difference between a duck?
Post by: Yastreb on April 19, 2020, 04:46:43 AM
Why is a mouse when it spins?
Post by: Róisín on April 19, 2020, 05:26:29 AM
Post by: Jitter on April 19, 2020, 07:13:23 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 19, 2020, 07:17:35 AM
Meanwhile...
Two French Foreign Legionnaires are lost in the desert. They've been wandering for days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to death from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune to see a big market before them. Naturally they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the merchants’ cries, and they reach the market to realise that it's really there.
So the Legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stall-holder, "Stall-holder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some sustenance you can sell us." The stall-holder shakes his head. "I'm sorry, French Foreign Legionnaire type persons, but all I have to sell are bowls full of jelly and cake, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the merchant, "Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water." The merchant looks at them, embarrassed. "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask. All I have to sell are these large bowls of jelly and cake topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, each with a little cherry in the middle at the top - there" (points to a glace cherry). "I cannot help you."
The Legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall. "Look mate" (all formality having been forgotten) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The merchant looks at his curl-ended shoes in shame. "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you are bowls of jelly and cake with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."
The legionnaires go through the market, stall by stall, asking each stall-holder whether they had any water they could sell them and thus save their lives. Each merchant gives the same reply, all they have to sell are bowls of jelly and cake with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires leave the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. One turns to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sell is bowls of jelly and cake with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."
The other shrugs. "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."
Post by: Róisín on April 19, 2020, 08:31:35 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 20, 2020, 08:34:45 PM
Harlez-vous francais?... Can you drive a French motorcycle?
Ex post fucto ... Lost in the mail
Idios amigos... We're wild and crazy guys!
Veni, VIPi, Vici... I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered
J'y suis, J'y pestes... I can stay for the weekend
Cogito Eggo sum... I think; therefore, I am a waffle
Respondez s'il vous plaid... Honk if you're Scots
Que sera, serf... Life is feudal
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi... The King is dead. No kidding.
Posh mortem... Death styles of the rich and famous
Pro Bozo publico... Support your local clown
Monage a trois... I am three years old
Felix navidad... Our cat has a boat
Haste cuisine... Fast French food
Veni, vidi, vice... I came, I saw, I partied
Quip pro quo... A fast retort
Ich liebe rich... I'm really crazy about having dough
Fui generis... What's mine is mine
VISA la France... Don't leave chateau without it
Merci rien... Thanks for nothin'
Chapeaubriand... My hat is on fire
Post by: Róisín on April 20, 2020, 11:47:36 PM
Post by: Jitter on April 21, 2020, 08:41:23 AM
What is the difference between a duck?
It’s a better swimmer than a walker 🦆🏊👍🦆🚶👎
Post by: Yastreb on April 21, 2020, 06:55:47 PM
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Text message exchange
"Our plane just landed in Paris."
"O RLY?"
"No, Charles de Gaulle."
Post by: Róisín on April 21, 2020, 07:36:54 PM
Post by: Yastreb on April 23, 2020, 10:12:29 AM
Aspydistra - a bugged pot plant
Barn Notice - a TV series about an Amish builder
Bellycose - aggressively seeking food
Camerarderie - photo club membership
Cigarotte - smoking material with extra strong constriction qualities
Clocktail - drink bought before the end of happy hour prices
Conviction Currents - the old trial-by-throwing-them-in-the-water method
Corroberate - to collectively chastise
Corsette - a well-dressed warship
Crocodire - unfortunate situation that creeps up on you
Crustfallen - a failed baker
Dearth row - standing room only
Duel process - the etiquette of pistols at dawn.
Dunosaur - sand lizard
Enthusiastick - motivational device
Errory - a model of the Ptolemaic version of the Solar System
Expletive depleted - when one runs out of swear words.
Financé - a man who has agreed to marry you because of your large dowry
Flantastic - pie in the sky
Helpdusk - You finally get through to the IT service centre....at closing time.
Hipnotic - groovily mesmerising
Hoarsepower = basic unit of laryngitis
Hostile terrine - poisoned pate
Magnethics - behavioural code for lines of flux
Neckromancer - vampire lover
Punchant - fondness for word games
Terminutor - Seeking the death of Sarah Connor one inch at a time
The Bobbit - a cutting-edge horror fantasy
Vulgar Friction - taunting a mathematician
Post by: Róisín on April 23, 2020, 10:46:30 AM
Post by: The Narcissistic mage on April 23, 2020, 04:50:13 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Grade E cat on April 24, 2020, 03:53:18 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: yeethaw_gang on April 24, 2020, 08:31:24 AM
Step 1. Receive word of God
Step 2. Spread word of God
Step 3. ???
Step 4. Prophet
Post by: Jitter on April 24, 2020, 09:49:46 AM
(Does it show? It’s the grimacing face)
Post by: Yastreb on April 24, 2020, 11:27:59 PM
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
CND Ducks Call for Hard Line on Russia
Drive to Ban Horse Whipping Mushrooms
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
German is Held Over Call Girls
Grapefruit Late Telling Police of Injured Man
Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Police Disbelieve a Naval Stoker Who Says He is Not Dead
Police Found Drunk in Shop Window
Police Found Safe Under Blanket
Police Shoot Man With Knife
Sheep Attacks Rocket
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
You Can Skate More Than a Mile On a Slice Of Bread
Post by: Róisín on April 24, 2020, 11:39:45 PM
Post by: Yastreb on April 24, 2020, 11:50:49 PM
There'll be some more headlines to follow, I promise.
Post by: Lenny on April 26, 2020, 05:05:48 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 26, 2020, 05:47:02 AM
$74M Hashish Haul After Joint Probe
Antique Dealer Thought Girl was Older
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Bodies in Garden are a Plant, Says Wife
Burglar Cracks Victim’s Skull – Finds Nothing
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Lucky Victim was Stabbed Three Times
Man Here To See Wife Robbed And Beaten
Magistrates Act to Keep Theatres Open
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Parisian Beheaded for Killing Wife Before Mistress
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Victims of Violence in Ulster May Get More
Violence - Judge Hits Out
Post by: wavewright62 on April 27, 2020, 03:35:42 AM
I surmise the grapefruit one was about a man who normally brings out/serves grapefruit getting injured, and his absence was a tip-off that something had happened to him, possibly establishing a time point needing an alibi from someone?
Post by: Yastreb on April 27, 2020, 05:16:18 AM
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Crash Courses for Private Pilots
Deer Kill 17,000
Man Found Dead In Graveyard
No Water – So Firemen Improvised
Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Slippery Fish Make Jam On A2
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Traffic Will Hit Homes If Motorway Scrapped
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery – Hundreds Dead
War Dims Hopes for Peace
Post by: Róisín on April 27, 2020, 07:37:56 AM
Post by: Jitter on April 27, 2020, 09:12:30 AM
Post by: thegreyarea on April 27, 2020, 12:16:28 PM
Post by: Yastreb on April 27, 2020, 04:46:18 PM
Abattoir Staff Will Be Halved
Catering College Staff Cooked for the Queen
Gas Rig Men Grilled By Villagers
Headless Body In Topless Bar
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
New York Ban On Boxing After Death
Patients Cut to Ease Crowding
Porters March Over Asian Immigrants
Rescuers Toasted in Hot Rum
Taxman Crushed in Orange Juice Case
Three Battered In Fish Shop
Woman Falls Three Stories As She Waters Flowers
Woman Hurt While Cooking Husband's Breakfast in a Horrible Manner
Post by: Jitter on April 27, 2020, 05:15:47 PM
Woman Hurt While Cooking Husband Breakfast in a Horrible Manner
The first two almost had me spit out my evening snack :)
Post by: wavewright62 on April 27, 2020, 10:11:18 PM
The owner swore that the cat loved it.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on April 28, 2020, 12:53:24 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 28, 2020, 09:28:02 AM
We used to get some great sports headlines when Dennis Pagan was coaching one of the national football sides :))
[I have a collection of great sports howlers to share - in the meantime:
AND THE BEST FAMILY LIFE AND SEX LIFE HEADLINES ARE…
20-Year Friendship Ends At Nashville Altar
Father Should Be Included In Planning First Child
Mounting Problems For Young Couples
New Screwing Method Cuts Fatigue and Increases Productivity
Panda Mating Fails; Vet Takes Over
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Sterility May Be Inherited
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Post by: Yastreb on April 30, 2020, 04:37:37 AM
Blaze Closes Crematorium
Bristol Flower Group Picks Their Leader
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Council Decides To Make Safe Danger Spots
Filming In Cemetery Angers Residents
Girl With A Detective In Her Boot
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Joint Body Plan for Cemetery
New Shocks on Electricity Bills
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Public Health Problem: Special Committee Sits On Bed Bug
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Shell Found On Beach
The Common Market - Swiss Role for Britain?
Post by: Yastreb on May 03, 2020, 08:03:26 AM
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
WAIT! WAIT! There's more...
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and fell dead on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," said the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 04, 2020, 12:14:31 AM
Spoiler: show
Post by: Yastreb on May 05, 2020, 11:03:25 PM
"A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries." -- Brain Theft
"Beat him out of recognizable shape!" -- Police Story 2
"Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected." -- Saviour of the Soul
"Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!" -- Pedicab Driver
"Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep." -- Pedicab Driver
"Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person."
"Gun wounds again?" -- Rich and Famous
"He is jealousing!" -- Dr. Wai and the Scripture Without Words
"He started it first!" -- Fong Sai-Yuk II
"How can you use my intestines as a gift?" -- The Beheaded 100
"I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way." -- Holy Weapon
"I got knife-scars more than the number of your leg's hair!" -- As Tears Go By
"I threat you! I challenge you meet me on the roof tonight for a duet!" -- The Iceman Cometh
"I will kill you until you are dead from it!"
"I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!" -- Pom Pom and Hot Hot
"It is destinated to be you!" -- Dr. Wai and the Scripture Without Words
"I've to cut partial of my freedom." -- Once Upon a Time In China and America
"Just scold Chang as 'Shame-less asshole' for three times. Then you will free from this kind of suffer forever." -- The Kung Fu Cult Master
"Master, where are those people of Ming Sect? They seem to be disappeared." Kung Fu Cult Master
"Quiet or I'll blow your throat up." -- On the Run
"Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants." -- The Seventh Curse
"The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?" -- Lethal Panther
"This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat."
"Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?" -- Armour of God
"Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination."
"You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken." -- Pedicab Driver
"You are too useless. And now I must beat you."
"You daring lousy guy." -- Satyr Monks
"You will not happy ending!" -- The Kung Fu Cult Master
Post by: Jitter on May 06, 2020, 01:40:08 AM
Post by: Róisín on May 06, 2020, 04:58:21 AM
Post by: Yastreb on May 08, 2020, 11:52:14 PM
MOVIE MASHUPS!
Battle Beyond The Fists Of The North Stars
Closely Observed Trainspotting
Cloud Atlas Shrugged
Conan The Barbarian Queen
How Soylent Green Was My Valley Of The Dolls
In the Heat of the Judgement Night Deathstalker
Kiss Of The Dragonslayer
Let's Get Harry Carter Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone
The Magnificent Seven Days Of The Cruise Of The Condor in May
The Long Swift Sword And The Sorcerer Of The Valiant Siegfried
Close Encounter Of The Third Kind Hearts And Coronets
The Lavender Hamburger Hill Mob
Where Iron Eagles Dare
Master and Commander: The Far Side Of The World Of Suzie Wong
Panic Room At The Top
Reservoir Dogs Of War
Saving Private Ryan's Daughter
Shout at the Devil In A Blue Dress
Sleeping With The Enemy At The Gates
Terminators Of Endearment
The Beastmaster Of The World
The Gods and Generals Must Be Crazy
Lost Event Horizon
Fried Green Tomatoes For Danger
The Sixth Day Of The Jackal
Grey Ladyhawke Down
The Day The World Caught Fire Down The Enemy Below
The Dead Italian Snow Job
All Quiet On The Wild Wild Western Front Page
Anatomy Of A Murder By Death Ship of Fools
The Longest Day Of The Dolphin
The Taking of Pelham One Two Three Men And A Baby
Drop Dead Gorgeous Fred
Post by: wavewright62 on May 11, 2020, 09:58:47 PM
Death Becomes Her Smell
Singin' in the Purple Rain
Bridge Over the River Kwai Runs Through It
The World's Fastest Indian According to Garp
It's a Beautiful Life of American Pi
Little Miss Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Games
The War Games of the Worlds
It Came From Outer Spaceballs
The Last Airbender Like Beckham
A Walk in the Clouds With a Chance of Meatballs
Aliens of the Deep Throat
The Brother From Another Planet of the Apes
Children of a Lesser Gods Must Be Crazy Stupid Love
Under the Brokeback Mountain
The Quiet Earth Girls Are Easy Money
Peter and the Teen Wolf of Wall Street
No Country for Old Men in Black Behaving Badly
Twelve Angry Grumpy Old Men
and for 'Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension'... I got nuthin'
Post by: thegreyarea on May 12, 2020, 07:52:21 AM
Post by: Yastreb on May 12, 2020, 10:03:24 AM
PLASTERED PROVERBS!
(Part one)
You can't pour water from a dead horse.
There's no point flogging an empty vessel.
Needs must as the fat lady sings.
It ain’t over until the devil drives.
You can’t make a silk purse out of a golden egg.
Don’t kill the goose that laid the sow's ear.
Loose lips make light work.
Many hands sink ships.
If a tree falls in the forest, and no-one is there to hear it, the one eyed man is king.
In the country of the blind, does it make a sound?
How long is the head of a pin?
How many angels can dance on a piece of string?
The early bird has no turning
It’s a long road that gets the worm
A rolling stone has no turning.
It’s a long road that gathers no moss.
People who live in glass houses blame their tools.
Bad workmen shouldn’t throw stones.
A rolling stone makes light work.
Many hands gather no moss.
A rolling stone saves nine.
A stitch in time gathers no moss.
Don’t cry over the messenger.
Don’t shoot spilled milk.
Don’t put all your eggs before the horse.
Don’t put the cart in one basket.
You can’t fight the messenger.
Don’t shoot city hall.
Every cloud has a whimper.
Not with a bang but a silver lining.
There’s a sucker born twixt cup and lip.
There’s many a slip every minute.
Give a dog a bad name and he’ll take a mile.
Give him an inch and it will stick to him.
Post by: Róisín on May 12, 2020, 10:07:29 AM
Post by: JoB on May 12, 2020, 03:12:45 PM
You can't pour water from a dead horse.
There's no point flogging an empty vessel.
Spoiler: somewhat explicit mental image • show
Post by: Alkia on May 12, 2020, 05:30:50 PM
Post by: wavewright62 on May 12, 2020, 11:02:05 PM
He was the one credited with "Wherever you go, there you are" and "It ain't over until it's over."
He is, however, also reputed to have said "I never said most of the things I said."
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 13, 2020, 04:08:00 AM
Some English subtitles in Hong Kong films - some of them have been verified by a friend who's a fan of the genre.
A little off topic, but the lyrics to the Shivaree Song 'Daring Lousy Guy' are 90% built from these quotes...
/>
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 13, 2020, 04:26:33 AM
Oh my gosh, and Yogi Berra was famous for his seeming twisted sayings!
He was the one credited with "Wherever you go, there you are" and "It ain't over until it's over."
He is, however, also reputed to have said "I never said most of the things I said."
Those of us of a certain vintage will remember some of the... odd things said by American Vice President Dan Quayle
- Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
- Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
- Mars is essentially in the same orbit . . . Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
- What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
- The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.
- I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.
- One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.'
- Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
- I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.
- The future will be better tomorrow.
- We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
- People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
- I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.
- We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
- I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
- I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
- When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
- Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
- We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
- For NASA, space is still a high priority.
- Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
- It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.
Post by: Yastreb on May 13, 2020, 04:57:04 AM
PLASTERED PROVERBS!
(Part Two)
The hand that rocks the cradle calls the tune.
Whoever pays the piper rules the world.
It’s an ill wind that has no turning.
It’s a long road that blows nobody any good.
Never draw to a sheep as for a lamb.
Might as well be hanged for an inside straight.
One man’s meat is worth more than good advice
A good scare is another man’s poison.
Enough is the best policy.
Honesty is as good as a feast.
Don't let your mouth make lemonade.
If life gives you lemons, write cheques you can't cash
All that glisters is not Rome.
All roads lead to gold.
A change is as good as the dawn.
It’s always darkest before a holiday.
God helps those who dance on the head of a pin.
How many angels can help themselves?
When in Rome, shepherd’s delight.
Red sky at night, do as the Romans do.
Loose lips ask questions later.
Shoot first and sink ships.
Birds of a feather gang aft agley.
The best laid plans of mice and men flock together.
Many a mickle makes a thousand words.
A picture is worth a muckle.
All roads get the grease.
The squeaky wheel leads to Rome.
I'll give him a dose in his own coins.
I'll give him the change of his own medicine.
You can't make an omelette without small steps.
Big journeys begin with breaking eggs.
A drowning man will clutch at its weakest link.
A chain is only as strong as a straw.
If life gives you lemons, make a silk purse from a sow's ear.
You can't make lemonade.
A Smith and Wesson beats the bold
Fortune favours four aces
Post by: Jitter on May 13, 2020, 06:14:06 AM
Purple, I had forgotten about the wisdom given to us by Mr Quayle! I wonder of the current White House occupant will be as easy to forget...
Post by: Róisín on May 13, 2020, 07:19:30 AM
Post by: JoB on May 13, 2020, 07:43:13 AM
But I fear that the word salad of the current incumbent outdoes even Quayle.When comparing Quayle and Trump, we can rest assured that one of them was downright prophetic.
- People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
Post by: Yastreb on May 13, 2020, 07:48:50 AM
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-mouth-musical-instrument/ (https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-mouth-musical-instrument/)
Post by: Yastreb on May 17, 2020, 08:19:28 AM
PLASTERED PROVERBS!
(Part Three)
If you can’t stand the heat, make lemonade.
If life gives you lemons, don’t set yourself on fire.
Time flies like home.
There’s no place like an arrow.
Revenge is a girl’s best friend.
Diamonds are a dish best served cold.
A good man is worth two in the bush.
A bird in the hand is hard to find.
Uneasy lies the head that gathers no moss.
A rolling stone wears the crown.
Time and tide sink ships.
Loose lips wait for no man.
It is never too late to swallow a camel.
Strain at a gnat and mend.
Don’t count your chickens while the iron is hot.
Strike before they hatch.
Hell has no fury like a blind horse.
A nod’s as good as a wink to a woman scorned.
The road to hell is the shortest way home.
The longest way round is paved with good intentions.
If you can’t stand the heat, write cheques you can't cash.
Don't let your mouth get out of the kitchen.
A nod’s as good as a wink to a lizard drinking.
Flat out like a blind horse.
Fair suck of the whip.
Fair crack of the sauce bottle.
May the fleas of a thousand camels kick your dunny down.
May your chooks turn into emus and infest your armpits.
Spare the rod and ask questions later.
Shoot first and spoil the child.
If at first you don’t succeed, don’t set yourself on fire.
If you can’t stand the heat, try, try again.
Don't fear a sandshoe
Don't blow the reaper
At night all cats are lost.
He who hesitates is grey.
Post by: Jitter on May 17, 2020, 09:17:16 AM
Again, solid advice. If at first you don’t succeed, don’t, I repeat don’t set yourself on fire. Not even if there are lemons!
Post by: Róisín on May 17, 2020, 05:41:15 PM
‘May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.’ is clear enough, but ‘May all your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.’ may be incomprehensible to those who don’t talk Strine. To clarify: a dunny is a rough outdoor toilet/latrine, often a pit with a splintery wooden seat and obligatory redback spiders under the aforesaid seat, and is usually provided with reading materials, not to be confused with the bunch of newspaper squares hung on a nail for wiping. It is a very necessary comfort facility in remote areas, even in these decadent times.
A chook is an Australian chicken. An emu (not to be confused with the Finnish ‘emuu’ which is something utterly different) is an Australian wild bird, often as tall as a human, somewhat resembling an ostrich, and famous for its huge horny feet, large beak which is Very freely used on anything which annoys it, and its extremely irascible temperament. I certainly would not care to be in a dunny which was being kicked down by a mob of the things.
Post by: Grade E cat on May 18, 2020, 03:15:05 AM
If you are over 70 and if you are pregnant, the store is reserved for you from 8 to 8:30 AM. [...] ID will be requested for people over 70. Documentary proof will be requested for pregnant women and infants under 1 year old.
Post by: Yastreb on May 18, 2020, 05:49:28 AM
How Trump Became President by Gordon Leigh-Nose
Confessions of a Nicotine Addict by Mustafa Smoak
Flower Power by Rose Budd and Rhoda Dendron
I Wanna Set the World on Fire by Con Flagration
Graphic Art for Beginners by Drew A. Pitcher
When Things Go Wrong by Helena Handbasket
I Kept the Home Fires Burning by Cole Minor
It’ll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight by Jonah Varque
I Can’t See the Opera House by Sydney Fogg
Prolific Pets for Hebrew Homes by Rabbi T. Warren
Seen from a Distance by Miles A. Way
Know Your Words by Dick Shunry
Don’t Fence Me In by Barb Dwyer
The Best Breakfast Ever by Chris P. Bacon
The Rushed Wedding by Marion Haste
Revolution Now by Freda Masses
Plain Speaking by Frank Lee
What’s That? by Major Look
Fear Itself by Terry Fying
The Empty Cage by Polly Gonn
Bush Tucker by Billy Boyle
Being Humble by Neil Downe
Be Counted by Stan Dupp
Being Casual by Stan Deasy
Indecision by R. U. Shaw
Family Life in Bible Times by Andy Begat
Out of Control by Lew Skannon
Make It Better by Amelia Rating
The Wig Trade by Hank O’Hair
The Art of Arrogance by Con Descending
Post by: Jitter on May 18, 2020, 07:24:31 AM
Post by: Yastreb on May 18, 2020, 07:27:33 AM
Post by: yeethaw_gang on May 18, 2020, 07:31:34 AM
Post by: Jitter on May 18, 2020, 09:33:16 AM
Not intentionally!
Ok that would have been even funnier (but also a pretty tedious task combining them)
Post by: Yastreb on May 18, 2020, 03:09:34 PM
Post by: lumilaulu on May 18, 2020, 05:02:39 PM
Post by: Vulpes on May 18, 2020, 05:51:15 PM
I once came across a book called Le diamant dans le monde by Pierre Gemme (Diamond in the world, by [literally] Stone Gem). I looked it up, and the guy's father was also called Gemme. Dubious sense of humour those parents must've had, to name their child Pierre in combination with the last name Gemme.
I knew of a Crystal Ball... :o
Post by: Purple Wyrm on May 18, 2020, 08:10:07 PM
I knew of a Crystal Ball... :o
My mother went to school with a Sean Lamb
Post by: Róisín on May 18, 2020, 08:16:49 PM
Post by: Yastreb on May 19, 2020, 04:29:49 AM
Who was the smallest man in the Bible?
Peter the disciple - he slept on his watch (Matthew 26:40)
Who was the straightest man in the Bible?
Joseph, because Pharoah made a ruler of him.
When was tennis played in Bible times?
When Joseph served in the courts of Pharoah.
Which men slept five to a bed?
David and his four fathers.
Who introduced salt meat into Navy rations?
Noah, because he took Ham into the Ark.
Who ran the first cannery?
Noah again - he filled the Ark with preserved pairs.
Which Biblical couple's game of golf ended badly?
Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1-11) - you may recall that Ananias told a falsehood, Sapphira backed him up, and they ended up in the same grave. Or, to put it in golfing terms; he was caught in a bad lie, she followed, and they both holed out in one.
Post by: wavewright62 on May 19, 2020, 07:50:33 PM
Post by: Yastreb on May 19, 2020, 10:47:39 PM
On the other hand, Owen Moore was stuck in a rut with Forever in Debt, I’ll Pay You Back Soon and My Life as a Bankrupt.
[Just to clarify; those "authors" are from my list of "Right Writers."]
Post by: Róisín on May 20, 2020, 03:25:26 AM
Post by: JoB on May 20, 2020, 03:28:45 AM
Most people nowadays don’t know much about the meaning of names, because in our modern culture that information is no longer important.It's also rather nontrivial to find out which are jokes and which are real, unless the person in question has done something you can look up (like writing a book).
E.g., "Claire Grube" ("cesspit" in German) is invented AFAICT, while "Reiner Korn" ("pure schnapps") exists IRL.
Post by: lumilaulu on May 20, 2020, 08:16:14 AM
Most people nowadays don’t know much about the meaning of names, because in our modern culture that information is no longer important. But the particular example lumilaulu cites is an oldie but a goodie - remember the passage in the Christian Bible where the Christ says of the Apostle Peter “He is the rock on which I will establish my church”?That's why it works better in French, where pierre is not only the name, but also the normal word for stone. No need to know the biblical meaning of the name.
Post by: Yastreb on May 20, 2020, 08:51:41 AM
The Right Writer (Part Two)
Mightier than the Sward by Lorne Mower
Self Defence by Hans Zoff
Fighting Dirty by Ruth Lessness
Deadly Arts by Faye Tality
Whatever It Takes by Helen Hywater
Opposites by Dai Cotome
Take Note of This by Mark Mywords
The Ideas Man by Ivor Notion
Clean Lino by Flora McKitchen
Trapped in a Trench by Doug Deep
Life in a Foxhole by Doug Pitt
Six Feet Under by Doug and Phil Graves
The Undertaker by Paul Bearer
Ramshackle Residence by Will Falldown
The Pessimistic Planner by May Wellfail
The Cheapskate’s Chariot by Rick Shaw
The Secret of His Success by Howie Diddit
Let There Be Light by Shanda Lear
The Great Back Passage by Hugh Janus
The Bottom Fancier by Seymour Butts
The Joy of Confectionery by Candy Barr
The McDonalds Conspiracy by Sue Percise
Don’t Spare That Tree by Tim Burr
The Audio Expert by Mike Rofone
Make a Simple Meal by Stu Potts
Just the Facts by Julie Noted
Greed is Still Good by Ava Rice
Danger Ahead by Hugo Furst
I Moved Abroad by M. E. Grating
Effective Lecturing by Dot Point
My Favourite Printer by Dot Matrix
The Nervous Nellie by Emma Fraid
Christmas at the Pawn Shop by Holly Hock
The Sweetest Things by Honey Combes
Post by: Alkia on May 20, 2020, 04:54:26 PM
Post by: Róisín on May 20, 2020, 06:02:38 PM
Lumilaulu, that joke is certainly more obvious in French.
Post by: Yastreb on May 20, 2020, 08:28:54 PM
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demimonde (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demimonde)
Post by: wavewright62 on May 20, 2020, 08:29:12 PM
Post by: Róisín on May 20, 2020, 10:06:14 PM
Post by: Yastreb on May 24, 2020, 05:54:50 AM
The Right Writer (Part Three)
Merrie Melodies by Saul Folks
Never Give In by Percy Veer
Let’s Get Going by Sally Forth
Famous Bushrangers by Kelly Gang
How to Get a Laugh by Tai Ming
Choose the Moment by Wendy Times-Wright
I Did It by Mai Wei
When To Drive Fast by Claire Roads
The Right Tool for the Job by Brad Awl
Coming To an End by Peter Owt
Delicious Aromas by Sally Vation
Get That Inclination by Eileen Dover
Such a Sad Song by Maude Lin
Burn in Hell by Hugo N. Fry
Texas Humour by Shia Carmody
Old Time Bingo by Tom Bola
The Kettle Drummer by Tim Pani
Five Years a French Cop by John D’Arme
A Woman on the Beat by Laura Norder
A Woman at the Bench by Judge Anne Djury
Why I Did It by Ivor Goode-Reason
A Guilty Man by Hugh Dunnitall-Wright
It Was You by I. Sawyer
I Wasn’t There by Ali Bai
Don’t Lie to Me by Polly Graph
Stay Out of Jail by Will B. Good
The Delinquent by Mal Adjusted
Smash and Grab by Eva Brick
Under Arrest by U. R. Nicked
This is a Stick-Up by Bill Posters
No It Isn’t by Con Tradiction
I Was the Voice by Barry Tone
The Back-up Plan by Justin Case
At the Last Minute by Justin Thyme
Dining Outdoors by Al Fresco
The Fumbler by Mal Adroit
It Must Be True by Shirley Nott
Dividing the Loot by Sharon Sharealike
The Modern Mercenary by Con Tractor
Post by: Róisín on May 24, 2020, 07:20:49 AM
Post by: Yastreb on May 24, 2020, 08:40:40 AM
And in the meantime, here's something that appeared in a British newspaper. I have no explanation. Perhaps one of our readers can make sense of it.
Youngsters at Whissendine Primary School prove they have musical flair. Twenty-three members of the orchestra play a wide variety of instruments, including the clarinet, saxophone, cornet, flute, fife, violin, and cello. Our picture shows Image Elvis sniffed 23 ponies, then 17 mysterious bicycles randomly affected a single wobbly thing, and a crayon disappeared, but an assortment of moist spanners encouraged 17 humming bicycles. 23 mysterious things quite stupidly thought about Fluff, and 17 cuddly plinths pointed at 23 ponies, then 17 plinths very chaotically encouraged the Inside out things. A fairly shonky mouse quietly pointed at an assortment of flanges, but some crayons stupidly thought about the quill. An assortment of spanners Fluff.
Post by: Róisín on May 24, 2020, 10:17:42 AM
Post by: Yastreb on May 29, 2020, 07:51:54 AM
The Right Writer (Part Four)
Food Poisoning by Sal Monella
Hating Humanity by Miss Ann Thrope
Hard Centres by Cherry Stone
Stop and Think by Jess Taminute
Customer Protection by Warren Tee
The World is My Oyster by Pearl Diver
When Things Go Wrong by Mal Function
Head Money by Poll Tax
The Unsigned Letter by Ann O’Nymity
The Frisk by Pat Down
A Full Tank of Gas by Jerry Cann
Too High a Price by Armand A. Legg
The End… Or Is It? by Cliff Hanger
The Victim by Will B. Dunn-Over
A Life in Chocolate by Hazel Nuts
The Desert Prince by Sheikh Yabooty
A Mighty River by Miss S. Sippi
Garden Girl by May Flower
The Black Hole by Cal Cutter
Twixt Cup and Lip by Manny Aslip
It’s Going to Be All Right by Shelby Apples
I Got You Good by April Foole
Race Across the Sand by June Buggy
Light Rain by April Showers
A Life in Ornithology by Seymour Robbins
Pluck Me Not by Rose Thorne
Left to Right, Right to Left by Chris Cross
Poisoned Smoke by Nico Teen
White Flakes Falling by Dan Druff
I’m Against It by Ann Tipathy
I Can’t Take It Any More by Jack Offit
A Dull Coat for Me by Matt Finish
Clear Skies by Clement Weather
No Pain No Gain by O. Howett-Hertz
The Delinquent Doctor by Mal Practice
Disobedience by Mal Content
I Want My Revenge by Lemmy Attim
Majestic Mansions by Gloria Soames
You’re in the Army Now by Reggie Ment
Storm Warning by Gale Force
No Blade of Grass by Baron Fields
We’re in Trouble Now by Lord Elpus
I’ll Be There For You by Count Onme
Digital Disasters by Pixie Lation
It Makes Me Sick by Anna Phylactic
Leftovers by N. E. Moore
It Will Happen One Day by Laura Faverages
The Real Jurassic Park by Dinah Soar
Dinner is Served by Carmen Geddit
I Don’t Care by Jim E. Crack-Corne
Everyday Etiquette by O. B. Hayve
(Modified to amend title)
Post by: Yastreb on June 08, 2020, 01:36:45 AM
The Right Writer (Part Five)
A Lancastrian Lad by E. Bar-Goom
The Midday Snooze by C. Esta
The Wagoneer by Orson Cart
American Grifter by E. Z. Money
Follow the River by Flo Down-Stream
1066 by Norman Conquest
Culture is for Wimps by Phyllis Stein
It Doesn’t Matter Who by N. E. Boddy
I Take Your Point by Julie Noted
I’m Still Thirsty by M. T. Bottle
Dodgy Deliveries by M. T. Box
Just Shoot Me by M. T. Gunn
The Kids Have Grown Up by M. T. Nest
The Day After Boxing Day by M. T. Shelves
Betrayal by M. T. Promises
My Favorite Automobiles by Stu D. Baker
Infectious Diseases by Bruce L. Losis
Livestock Sickness by Ann Thrax
The Volunteer by Mustafa Goh
Missing the Boat by I. Blewett
Stay Dry by Terry Towelling
It’s So Obvious by Manny Fest
Life on the Road by Laurie Driver
Backs to the Wall by Gay Panic
Woman on the Move by Wanda Over
Women Have Secrets by Anna Nygma
Unauthorised Crossings by J. Walker
Yuletide Harmony by Carol Singer
Acknowledgement by Roger Thatt
On My Way by Roger Willco
Sinful Sailing by Roger D. Cabin-Buoy
Don’t Make Me Angry by Ivor Badd-Temper
Lost and Alone by Wanda Vague-Lee
I’m Not Racist, But… by T. Party
The Unknown Hero by Noah Ward
The Outlaw by Des P. Rado
Post by: Anna on June 10, 2020, 09:32:33 AM
A boa constructor!
Post by: Yastreb on June 10, 2020, 07:04:19 PM
However, the next Russian jet was a trick of the light. I'd been fooled by an optical Ilyushin.
That's the story of my life - a MiGs of fact and fiction.
Post by: wavewright62 on June 15, 2020, 07:48:40 PM
Post by: Róisín on June 15, 2020, 08:27:56 PM
Post by: Yastreb on June 15, 2020, 09:03:41 PM
Aerop Lane
Danger Close
Dontstandso Close
Elbow Bend
Endofthe Road
Filletsov Place
Function Alley
Getoutofmy Way
Havityour Way
Letsbe Avenue
Lois Lane
Lunar Crescent
Mindyour Manors
Mycat Mews
Myhappy Place
Rightupmy Street
Rightupyour Alley
Sofara Way
Takemy Place
Yourtoo Close
Post by: Róisín on June 15, 2020, 09:23:25 PM
Post by: wavewright62 on June 15, 2020, 10:55:01 PM
Post by: Róisín on June 16, 2020, 12:13:14 AM
And the several Swamp Roads near here are so called because they lead to or through swamps. Dead Dog Road was so named by an early settler who found a dead dingo there......Australia has a lot of weird place names. Oh, and one of my sons used to have a house on Corkscrew Road, which well and truly lived up to the name - getting in and out on days of snow or heavy frost was a bit more of an adventure than I liked.
Post by: Yastreb on June 16, 2020, 05:20:17 AM
Bangkok
Slapton Sands
Bong Bong
Woolloomooloo
Wollongong
Poperinghe
Middle Wallop
Bingley
Bangalore
Bangor (Australia, the US, and Wales)
Munchengladbach
Post by: Anna on June 16, 2020, 09:13:23 PM
Her/she.
Post by: wavewright62 on June 17, 2020, 01:56:03 AM
NZ: Te Hihi (HeeHee) - also many names including the Maori words Kaka and Whaka. Perfectly lovely words, but occasionally funny to English ears for their resemblence to off-colour words. (The Wh is often pronounced as an F, the 'a' is more of an 'ah' or an 'uh', so Whakapapa sounds a bit like incest.)
NJ: HoHoKus (matches Te Hihi), and my all-time favourite: Manunka Chunk.
Post by: Jitter on June 17, 2020, 04:08:52 AM
Post by: thegreyarea on June 17, 2020, 04:54:56 AM
In Finnish, kakka = poo. So slightly amusing to me as well :)
In Portuguese, caca (that I believe sounds just like kakka) is one word for poo, so it's amusing for me too! :)
Post by: Grade E cat on June 17, 2020, 07:14:55 AM
Post by: Yastreb on June 17, 2020, 07:32:42 PM
What others could there be...?
Aero Plains
Changethe Channel
Credibility Gap
Crimea River
Finger Point
Fitsov Peak
Floorboards Creek
Forward Pass
Handme Downs
Iknewyou Wood
Jet Stream
Mount Ofenus
Night Falls
Oldasthe Hills
Sonovay Beach
Texas Ranges
Thistooshall Pass
Wallof Sound
Whatsthe Point
Post by: wavewright62 on June 17, 2020, 09:52:46 PM
Post by: Yastreb on June 24, 2020, 04:32:16 AM
And I have to give this next one in context - from the old all-leather talking-type wireless Goon Show!
Moriarty: Listen to me while I tell you a tale. In 1296 on the Isle of Ewe...
Seagoon: Where?
Moriarty: Isle of Ewe.
Seagoon: I love you too. Shall we dance?
Post by: Grade E cat on June 24, 2020, 07:47:14 AM
Person1: How do you say "horses" in Dutch?
Person2: Paarden
Person1: HOW DO YOU SAY "HORSES" IN DUTCH?
Post by: Yastreb on June 24, 2020, 10:31:18 AM
"Lauda."
"I said, what was the name of that racing driver who started his own airline?"
"Lauda!"
"WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT RACING DRIVER WHO STARTED HIS OWN AIRLINE?"
(Modified to correct the name)
Post by: JoB on June 24, 2020, 05:23:48 PM
"What was the name of that racing driver who started his own airline?"(Make that three airlines, and "Lauda (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Niki_Lauda)".)
Post by: Purple Wyrm on June 25, 2020, 11:07:39 PM
Out in the wheatbelt we've also got Salmon Gums, which could be rather confusing unless you know the salmon gum is a type of eucalyptus tree.
Post by: Yastreb on June 29, 2020, 08:49:32 AM
Botswana Meat Commission
Club Deportivo Moron
Ethiopia Coffee
FL Fart
Good Luck Martinique
Harar Beer Bottling
Joe Public
Thailand Tobacco Monopoly
Ube Yahhh-man
Young Boys of Bern
Post by: Yastreb on July 12, 2020, 07:36:16 AM
Now read on...
ZIPLOC BAGS – male; they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male; even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS – female; they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE – male; it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER – female; once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed, and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TYRE – male; it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON – male; to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it (plus there's the hot air part).
SPONGES – female; they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE – female; it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY – male; it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS – female; over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER – male; it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL – female... Ha! You thought it would be male. But consider; it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Post by: Grade E cat on July 12, 2020, 08:44:07 AM
Bags > masculine
Knife > masculine
Kidney > masculine
Shoe > feminine (slipper is masculine however)
Copier > feminine
Tyre > masculine
Hot air balloon (its own word) > feminine
Sponge > feminine
Page > feminine
Subway > masculine
Hourglass > masculine
Hammer > masculine
Remote control (its own word) > feminine
Post by: Róisín on July 12, 2020, 10:20:27 AM
Post by: Yastreb on July 12, 2020, 04:32:41 PM
One day a Hooray Henry type wanders in and says to Brother Ambrose with a loud guffaw, "I say, you must be the fish friar!"
"But no," riposted Brother Ambrose, "I'm the chip monk."
The order decided to expand its business profile, and tried to start a flower shop, but for some reason this received a lot of resistance. There was even a petition raised against them under the slogan, "Only you can prevent florist friars!"
More recently, the order tried to trade online, but that too had problems. Seems that people won't tolerate any monk e-business.
Post by: JoB on July 13, 2020, 08:33:29 AM
A religious order decided to open its own fast food shop.I hear that they had a problem with their delivery car getting pulled over all the time, though, until they removed the advertising paint job.
Spoiler: show
Post by: thegreyarea on July 13, 2020, 06:24:47 PM
Bags > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Knife > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Kidney > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Shoe > feminine (slipper is masculine however) (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (but a boot is feminine!)
Copier > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Tyre > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Hot air balloon (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (also its own word)
Sponge > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Page > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Subway > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Hourglass > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Hammer > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Remote control (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese)
It's curious because they are both "Latin" languages, but still have so many differences.
(I know this is not exactly on-topic, but it wouldn't make much sense to jump to the language thread in this context. Also, giving genders to objects does seem like a bad joke...)
Post by: Mirasol on July 18, 2020, 04:52:47 PM
Following Grade E Cat, Here's a comparative with Portuguese genders for the same words:
Bags > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Knife > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Kidney > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Shoe > feminine (slipper is masculine however) (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (but a boot is feminine!)
Copier > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Tyre > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Hot air balloon (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (also its own word)
Sponge > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Page > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese)
Subway > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Hourglass > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)
Hammer > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese)
Remote control (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese)
It's curious because they are both "Latin" languages, but still have so many differences.
(I know this is not exactly on-topic, but it wouldn't make much sense to jump to the language thread in this context. Also, giving genders to objects does seem like a bad joke...)
Want me to make it even more complicated? Introducing German, the strange language where some objects are gendered, others aren´t:
Bags > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese)> feminine (German)
Knife > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese) x neutral (German)
Kidney > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese) x feminine (German)
Shoe > feminine (slipper is masculine however) (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (but a boot is feminine!) x boot, slipper and shoe all masculine (German)
Copier > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese) x masculine (German)
Tyre > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese) > masculine (German)
Hot air balloon (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese) (also its own word) > masculin (German)
Sponge > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese) x masculine (German)
Page > feminine (French) > feminine (Portuguese) > feminine (German)
Subway > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese) x feminine (German)
Hourglass > masculine (French) x feminine (Portuguese) x modern word feminine, old word neutral (German)
Hammer > masculine (French) > masculine (Portuguese) > masculine (German)
Remote control (its own word) > feminine (French) x masculine (Portuguese) x feminine (German)
One would think if some languages had to gender objects in the first place, which is a weird concept indeed, they would at least settle on the same ones. But I guess that would be too easy...
Sorry for staying off-topic, here, have some terrible jokes from my about sixth-grade-time. They don´t match the quality or standart of Yastreb´s well-thoughtout ones in any way, but apparently of all jokes I heard in my life these were the most memorable:
A snail is on her way with her kids next to a road. She warns her children:
Spoiler: show
Ahem, and now to lower the standart even more:
Why should you not go swimming after 5 pm?
Spoiler: show
continuation: Why are crocodiles flat?
Spoiler: show
It gets worse:
What is small, green and triangular?
Spoiler: show
continuation: What is small, black and triangular?
Spoiler: show
I´ll see myself out...
Post by: Jitter on July 18, 2020, 06:25:45 PM
How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
Spoiler: show
How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Spoiler: show
The lion was having a birthday party. All the animals came, except for one. Who was it?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Mirasol on July 18, 2020, 08:07:47 PM
Hey, I have some of those too!
How do you get an elephant into a fridge?Spoiler: show
How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?Spoiler: show
The lion was having a birthday party. All the animals came, except for one. Who was it?Spoiler: show
Oh, we had that one too! :'D But with the giraffe first, and a different extra step:
How can you tell if there was an elephant in your fridge?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Yastreb on July 18, 2020, 09:54:47 PM
And so it was that the jester was placed upon the scaffold, and the hangman made ready to carry out the sentence, when the King said unto the jester, "I spoke in anger. I pardon you, on this condition; that you speak no more puns from this moment forth!"
And the jester said, "Thank you for this mercy, your Majesty! No noose is good news!"
They hanged him.
Post by: Yastreb on August 10, 2020, 10:37:54 PM
William sat on the beach. His lips were dry and his skin had started to blister.
He'd noticed the barrel bobbing in the shallow surf about an hour ago, and had managed to wrestle it a few metres up the soft sand. It lay beside him now, its short shadow not quite covering his feet. He looked at it again; there was anger in his eyes, and sadness...perhaps a note of frustrated resignation.
Four months into her voyage, the barque HMS Cork had been low on fresh water. When the lookout had sighted the green flush of vegetation rising on the horizon, the Captain had ordered a slow and cautious approach to the uncharted island.
White water had hinted at the jagged and stabbing fingers of submerged reefs, but their need had been dire. They'd had no choice but to risk the reefs and make for the safety of the lagoon, and from there to launch parties in search of mineral springs or other sources of fresh water.
The crew worked well together. They were all experts in their trades; the carpenters, the shipwrights, the bosuns, the coxswains, the officers...each man jack highly skilled, but only really effective when working as a part of the whole...as a part of the crew.
William had been a boy seaman, serving as a domestic hand and keeping the Cork's accounts. But he'd always felt himself to be a part of the crew. He'd never felt alone or afraid at sea, because he'd believed his crew to be capable of anything.
Cork had struck the reef during the first watch. William had felt and heard the horrible rending as the Cork's wooden hull had been opened by a submerged enemy. He'd been thrown from his chair at the work table as the reef grabbed hard and slowed the vessel's progress. Shouts had broken out immediately as the hands assessed the damage and tried to stem the flood of Pacific water. But to no avail. The ship had gone down in minutes, and the crew had been forced into the unwelcome embrace of the roiling white waves.
55 men had gone into the water, but only one had survived the crashing waves, and the cutting coral, and the hungry predators. Only one had made it to shore. And that one had been William. He was lost and alone now, unsupported by the crew that had been his strength.
He looked again at the barrel, and wondered about the rum that it contained. He ached for its taste. He ached for the oblivion that its sharp and sugary promise might bring. The barrel was sealed with a single, and small, stopper and William knew he couldn't remove it alone. He'd tried. He'd struggled with the cursed thing without success.
And now he knew he needed help to remove the stopper. He needed his shipmates. If he was ever to remove the plug and access the rum, he would need the Cork's crew...
Post by: Róisín on August 11, 2020, 05:52:43 AM
Heard a funny one today: Someone just stole my thesaurus! I have no words to describe how I feel!
Post by: Yastreb on August 12, 2020, 11:13:46 AM
MINORITY REPORT
Phillip K. Dick had come up with the idea.
It was the ability to detect a culinary crime, before it even happened, and intervene. It was ethically dangerous, and socially contentious. But the Thyme Police had the ability to stop a kitchen accident before it happened. They were still trialling the process.
Rosemary was in charge. In two years, they’d had no failures. Basil had found the process hard to get used to. He’d felt like such a Dill; still, that Nut Meg had talked him around.
But things had started to go wrong; suddenly and unexpectedly. Ginger thought there was a Leek in the department, but no one could be sure.
Rosemary yelled out suddenly, “Cumin here, the lot of you. Now!”
He didn’t want to go. He had Anise who was celebrating her 18th birthday today. But Sorrel had convinced him to attend. It had been Sage advice.
Post by: Grade E cat on August 12, 2020, 12:57:29 PM
Post by: phocena on August 12, 2020, 11:46:41 PM
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Spoiler: show
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Spoiler: show
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Spoiler: show
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Spoiler: show
Post by: Yastreb on August 13, 2020, 10:40:51 AM
Now he's just "Dav"...
Post by: Yastreb on August 18, 2020, 12:14:54 AM
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor... then Who is.
My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.
I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
People who run behind cars get exhausted.
But people who run in front of cars get tired.
GF- “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”
BF- “ Our relationship is what? Over.”
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!"
He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad. It’s cutting hedge technology!"
My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”
He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Post by: Jitter on August 19, 2020, 05:31:23 PM
Post by: Anna on September 05, 2020, 06:01:04 PM
Darth Ritis.
Post by: Yastreb on September 05, 2020, 08:35:27 PM
DO NOT READ BEFORE MEALS
OK then? Read on...
The Spectator ran a challenge to invent the worst bill of fare. Here are two lists provided by their readers.
Mint Bloater Soup
Donkey Liver Mousse with Butterscotch Sauce
Sow's Udders in Aspic with Whelk Fritters
Liquorice Potatoes and Crystallised Sprouts
Parsnip Porridge
Goat's Kidneys in Marmalade
Camembert and Rhubarb Waffles
Sardine Shortbread
Mentholated Coffee
Hors d'Oeuvre Maison (whelks, Pontefract cakes, boiled liver, ants' eggs in chilled puree of Swede)
Baleine a l'Ecossaise (Whale brains in whiskey sauce)
Porc Tartare (Served with roast banana skins, pickled fudge and crushed Horlicks tablets)
Coupe Royale (Tomato ice cream with anchovies, garlic, salted garlic and crème de menthe)
Cafe Minceur (A blend of coffee, alcohol-free lager and carrot juice)
Bon-bons Surprise (Chocolate coated oysters)
Post by: wavewright62 on September 09, 2020, 04:42:58 PM
Post by: Yastreb on September 09, 2020, 07:39:26 PM
Buttered Saucepans And Fried Hormones
Children Soup
Cold Shredded Children And Sea Blubber In Spicy Sauce.
Deep Fried Fingers Of My Lady
Dreaded Veal Cutlet With Potatoes In Cream
Fried Fishermen
Indonesian Nazi Goreng.
Lobster Thermos
Muscles Of Marines
Nut of Holy Jacques Jumped
Pork With Fresh Garbage
Rather Burnt Land Slug
Roasted Duck Let Loose
Strawberry Crap
Sweat From The Trolley
Teppan Yaki Before Your Cooked Right Eyes
Toes With Butter And Jam
Post by: Róisín on September 10, 2020, 02:43:39 AM
Post by: thorny on September 10, 2020, 10:07:47 AM
Lady fingers are a kind of okra
Also a kind of cake (well, I'd say cake, but probably the term in some countries is biscuit):
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ladyfinger_(biscuit) (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ladyfinger_(biscuit))
Post by: Róisín on September 10, 2020, 12:58:32 PM
Yastreb, wherever do you find this stuff?
And is the ‘sweat’meant to be ‘sweets’?
Post by: Mirasol on September 10, 2020, 01:21:46 PM
Yastreb, wherever do you find this stuff?I´m always asking myself that too. Do you have just a giant archive of jokes at home? :'D Because if so, that´s amazing.
All these menues remind me of a situation me and my family had during our holiday a few years ago (I think in France?). We were in a restaurant trying to order pizza, and as the waiter noticed we were German, he gave us a translated menu. We were quite surprised at the amount of "Raketen" (=Spacerockets) that were supposedly in quite a few dishes.
Well, turns out the rockets they actually meant where these (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eruca_vesicaria), they had first translated the menu to English and then to German word by word while ignoring the context, and well, rockets in German ar not salad... (Or rather, the German word can´t be used for it.)
Post by: thorny on September 10, 2020, 05:10:32 PM
thorny, I thought the vegetable rather than the shortbready/cakey thing because ‘fried’.
You're probably right. I was most likely misled because around here they're liable to deep fry nearly anything; at least if you count at county fairs.
Post by: wavewright62 on September 10, 2020, 06:25:08 PM
Buttered Saucepans And Fried Hormones
Pork With Fresh Garbage
Only the vaguest clue, guessing something about mushrooms, and cabbage?
Rather Burnt Land Slug
Rather Burnt Land Slug
Rather Burnt Land Slug
There's not enough garlic on the planet to erase that one, even if it is grilled or barbecued.
Post by: Yastreb on September 10, 2020, 11:42:39 PM
I´m always asking myself that too. Do you have just a giant archive of jokes at home? :'D
Well... yes.
Post by: Yastreb on September 18, 2020, 11:08:49 AM
Soupcon is French for a small amount, only morceau.
Post by: Grade E cat on September 18, 2020, 04:06:37 PM
Post by: Yastreb on September 20, 2020, 01:31:35 AM
So that when they return to port, it can Scandinavian.
Post by: gamerphobe on September 22, 2020, 06:49:36 AM
what kind of music do windmills like? well, they’re big metal fans :)
Post by: Mirasol on September 22, 2020, 12:57:12 PM
the urge to sing the lion sleeps tonight is just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away
You know, I would be mad at you... But this is actually a better option than the song that´s been stuck in my head for the last hour, so I´m just gonna take this, nod at you politely and walk away humming the lion sleeps tonight.
Post by: wavewright62 on September 22, 2020, 03:41:02 PM
the urge to sing the lion sleeps tonight is just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away
You know, I would be mad at you... But this is actually a better option than the song that´s been stuck in my head for the last hour, so I´m just gonna take this, nod at you politely and walk away humming the lion sleeps tonight.
EEEEEE EEE EEEombombaraaayyy
(https://41.media.tumblr.com/ba00c1b9fd33c4f698e64d5d9f9fa68c/tumblr_inline_nlmsbf8iiL1r2g2kx_500.png)
Post by: Grade E cat on October 05, 2020, 07:15:52 AM
Post by: Yastreb on October 06, 2020, 08:25:51 PM
"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."
"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
"And now, the Superstore--unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience"
"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00"
"Dog for sale: eats anything, very fond of children."
"Ears pierced while you wait."
"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers"
"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
"Great Dames for sale"
"Illiterate? Write today for free help."
"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory, must be willing to travel."
"Man, honest, will take anything."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
"Mother's helper – peasant working conditions"
"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."
"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
"Sheer stockings, designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else"
"Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days"
"Tattoos done while you wait"
"This house has been fully insulted."
"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours – starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
"Wanted, preparer of food; must be reliable, like the food business, and willing to get hands dirty."
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory"
"Wanted: part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop"
"Wanted; hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers"
"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
Post by: Anna on October 07, 2020, 12:01:20 AM
Post by: Yastreb on October 26, 2020, 07:28:31 AM
BOTCH UP
Brotherhood Of The Curly-Haired Urbane Philistines
CRULLEBASA
Committee Responsible for Unilateral Liberation of Lifeforms Enslaved By Any Secret Agencies
ENEMA
Enhanced Ninja Extermination Methods and Actions
FARTS
Fast Application Riot Termination System
FIASCO
Federated International All-weather Special Canoeing Order
FIRM
Fully Independent Real Men
HUBBA
Honourable Union of Bosom and Bottom Admirers
KEITH
Knights Enabling Interspecies Tactical Harassment
OMAHA
Official Militia Against Hinky Acronyms
ROMAN
Regional Organised Militia And Nightwatch
SITUPON
Special International Transfer Using Personal Option Network
SMART
Special Medical Active Response Team
SMEAR
Special Ministry for Extreme Alteration of Reality
SPARTA
Special Police Anti-Robbery Team (Assault)
SPODE
State Palace Of Dubious Entertainment
SPURT
Special Purpose Unit Raiding Tactics
STUPID
Specially Tasked Unit for Producing Inconsistent Data
Post by: Yastreb on October 28, 2020, 08:03:23 AM
A: "Copy that."
Post by: JoB on October 28, 2020, 07:55:48 PM
Q: What's the correct response if you're invited to join the Plagiarists' Guild?... wouldn't a good plagiarist be supposed to already have an invitation (https://ogmacomic.com/comic/207)?
A: "Copy that."
Post by: Yastreb on October 29, 2020, 02:14:04 AM
A: "Get lost!"
Post by: Róisín on October 29, 2020, 03:57:08 PM
Post by: Lallicat on October 31, 2020, 02:36:47 PM
Q: Why do witches fly on brooms?
A: Because vacuum cleaner cords aren't long enough.
Q: What do you call two witches living together?
A: Broommates.
Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling.
Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you are a mouse.
Q: Why don't vampires have more friends?
A: Because they're a pain in the neck.
Q: What happens when a vampire goes in the snow?
A: Frost bite.
Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie.
Q: What instrument does a skeleton play?
A: Trombone.
Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Day-scare centers.
Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in.
Q: What type of jokes are these?
A: Candy corny ones.
Post by: Yastreb on October 31, 2020, 06:33:09 PM
Q: Why do witches fly on brooms?
A: Because vacuum cleaner cords aren't long enough.
It will besom time before that changes.
And have you heard about the witch who sued a man for child support after he put a bun in her coven?
Post by: Róisín on November 01, 2020, 04:14:41 AM
Post by: Quetanto on November 03, 2020, 11:23:49 AM
The core processors.
Post by: Yastreb on November 12, 2020, 09:08:25 PM
Why did the coffee call the cops? It was mugged.
What happens when a frog's car breaks down? If it can't get a jump, it has to be toad.
Post by: Yastreb on November 17, 2020, 06:19:30 AM
I purchase all my firearms from a guy named T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.
Post by: Róisín on November 17, 2020, 06:50:14 AM
Post by: Anna on November 24, 2020, 12:27:17 PM
Post by: Grade E cat on December 11, 2020, 07:55:07 AM
Is anyone named Leon interested in a light-up install-it-yourself sign spelling their name? The place that was supposed to send me a "Noël" one messed up.
Post by: Yastreb on December 12, 2020, 06:13:25 PM
He was charged with making an obscene clone fall.
Post by: Anna on January 02, 2021, 08:17:51 PM
Post by: ARoseByAnyOtherName on January 02, 2021, 08:48:46 PM
Q: Why do sharks live in salt water?
A: because pepper makes them sneeze
Post by: wavewright62 on January 03, 2021, 02:18:31 AM
Post by: Jitter on January 03, 2021, 06:24:31 AM
Post by: Anna on January 03, 2021, 06:39:48 AM
Au contraire! Anna’s was brilliant! The shark one though o_OTo be perfectly honest I stole it from Twitter.
Post by: Jitter on January 03, 2021, 07:56:57 AM
Post by: Yastreb on January 03, 2021, 07:44:25 PM
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
Post by: wavewright62 on January 04, 2021, 02:23:47 AM
Post by: Yastreb on January 04, 2021, 07:26:15 AM
As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it.
Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.
Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
Mike Hardware was a private eye who didn't know the meaning of 'fear,' a man who laughed in the face of danger and spat in the eye of death; in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on January 04, 2021, 07:56:12 PM
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
I would say that was a Douglas Adams ripoff, except he probably ripped it off from someone in the first place!
Post by: ARoseByAnyOtherName on January 04, 2021, 11:01:22 PM
Post by: JoB on January 05, 2021, 01:02:38 AM
I would say that was a Douglas Adams ripoff, except he probably ripped it off from someone in the first place!(Saying that some airplane "was flying in exactly the way a brick wouldn't" seems to have been quite popular in the 80s-ish, and chances are that that originated from the brick joke (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BrickJoke) ...)
Post by: Purple Wyrm on January 05, 2021, 08:25:20 AM
(Saying that some airplane "was flying in exactly the way a brick wouldn't" seems to have been quite popular in the 80s-ish, and chances are that that originated from the brick joke (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BrickJoke) ...)
Makes sense!
Post by: Yastreb on January 08, 2021, 08:34:03 AM
Abominotion
An evil plan
Assignotion
A secret meeting of minds
Avant-garden
The front lawn
Banker Buster
Highly specialised ordnance
Blamethrower
Definitely casts the first stone
Cattle-scarred
Someone who didn't outrun the bulls at Pamplona
Choplifter
Elite helicopter thief
Domination Form
An agreement that sets limits on what a dominatrix can do
Droll House
Small-scale comedy theatre
Duty of Car
Designated driver
Flake battery
Anti-aircraft sharks, with or without lasers on their heads
Je ne sais quoit
"How do you throw those funny rubber things?"
Knightmare
A nobleman's bad dream about riding the wrong type of horse
Mistress Signal
Telling a dominatrix if she's gone too far (see Domination Form)
Rugbuy
A persistent carpet seller's pitch; one of the hazards of visiting Istanbul's Grand Bazaar
Savoir fairey
Expert on the Fey folk
Showitzer
Flashy field gun
Smockdown
Artist's stop work meeting
Spacesuite
The kind of luxury hotel Richard Branson would like to build
Spellchucker
An unsubtle mage
Sward master
Someone rated as expert with a lawn mower
Woad Rage
Losing one's temper because there's not enough face paint for everyone
Post by: Grade E cat on January 08, 2021, 09:13:33 AM
Nonversation
What happens when two people are having a meal together and at least one of them is an introvert
Post by: JoB on January 08, 2021, 03:31:40 PM
NonversationDerived from the general term for meal+chat combos, "nomversation", I trust?
What happens when two people are having a meal together and at least one of them is an introvert
Post by: wavewright62 on January 08, 2021, 05:08:12 PM
Derived from the general term for meal+chat combos, "nomversation", I trust?
Dunno, that variant evokes an image of talking with your mouth full. :P
Post by: Jitter on January 08, 2021, 05:22:13 PM
Post by: Grade E cat on January 09, 2021, 02:45:08 AM
Derived from the general term for meal+chat combos, "nomversation", I trust?
It's actually meant to be a streamlined version of "non-conversation", but that works also :).
Post by: Yastreb on January 09, 2021, 04:49:35 AM
A battle is developing between them. I say developing, because it's not yet on.
A sad ending, albeit a happy one, here at Montréal for today's Grand Prix.
Michael Schumacher is actually in a very good position. He is in last place.
Excuse me while I interrupt myself.
That just shows you how important the car is in Formula One Racing.
There's no damage to the car.....except to the car itself.
As you can see, visually, with your eyes.
Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?
Either the car is stationary, or it's on the move.
There are four different cars filling the first four places.
He can't decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
He is shedding buckets of adrenalin in that car!
He's here again for the first time.
I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem.
I don't know what happened, but there was a major malmisorganization problem there.
I imagine the conditions in those cars today are totally unimaginable.
I make no apologies for their absence. I'm sorry they're not here.
It's not quite a curve. It's a straight actually!
It's raining and the track is wet!
I've no idea what Eddie Irvine's orders are, but he's following them superlatively well.
Look up there! That's the sky!
Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.
Prost can see Mansell in his earphones.
Tambay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now.
That's history. I say history because it happened in the past.
The boot's on the other Schumacher now!
The faster he goes the quicker he'll get to the pits. The slower he goes the longer it will take.
The gap between the two cars is 0.9 of a second which is less than one second.
The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
There's nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire.
This is an interesting circuit because it has inclines, and not just up, but down as well.
Now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
With half of the race gone, there is half of the race still to go.
Two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.
You can cut the tension with a cricket stump.
You might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing.
Post by: Purple Wyrm on January 09, 2021, 06:45:24 AM
"At the present moment, the whole fleet is lit up. When I say 'lit up', I mean lit up by fairy lamps."
"Now, if you'll follow me through ... if you don't mind ... the next few moments... you'll find the fleet doing odd things."
"I'm sorry, I was telling some people to shut up talking."
"At the moment there's a whole huge fleet here. The thing we saw this afternoon, this colossal fleet, lit up ... by lights ... and the whole fleet is in fairyland! It isn't true, it isn't here!"
"It's gone! It's gone! There's no fleet! It's, eh, it's disappeared! No magician who ever could have waved his wand could have waved it with more acumen than he has now at the present moment. The fleet's gone. It's disappeared."
"I was talking to you ... in the middle of this damn (cough), in the middle of this fleet ... and what's happened is the fleet's gone, disappeared and gone"
"There's nothing between us and heaven. There's nothing at all!"
(in his defence he was quite spectacularly drunk ;D)
Post by: Yastreb on January 09, 2021, 07:40:24 AM
The First Mate is unhappy with that. He was barely tipsy, and it hasn't happened before, but now it's on record and it makes him look bad. But the Captain just shrugs; as far as he was concerned the First Mate was drunk, and anyway he can't remove the entry, so it has to stay there, come what may.
Next day the Captain prepares to sign the log... and is gobsmacked to see the entry by the First Mate; "The Captain was sober last night."
Post by: Anna on January 16, 2021, 06:34:49 PM
Post by: Yastreb on January 23, 2021, 08:01:12 AM
"Source of citrus fruit... one, two, eight."
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson."
"Acccess in an emergency... five, five."
"Alarm entry, my dear Watson."
"Conservative MP pays ex-wife maintenance... seven, four."
"Alimony Tory, my dear Watson."
"Cowardly form of sea life... six, five, three."
"Yellow Manta Ray, my dear Watson."
"In the Californian style... one, two, eight."
"A la Monteray, my dear Watson."
Edited to add another joke.
Post by: Grade E cat on January 26, 2021, 04:16:57 AM
The winter tends to make my slightly overweight cat really clingy.
Post by: Yastreb on February 07, 2021, 09:58:24 PM
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
Due to EC regulations, mouse-flavoured food is in the same category as moose-flavoured, which is banned because of a Canadian lawsuit.
If Erwin Schrodinger's surname had been different, would that have affected the cat?
Based on observations from parallel universes, nothing changes; Maxwell's Cat is exactly the same, though Schrodinger's Demon is quite dangerous.
What does the fox say?
There are three possible answers.
* No idea - they're always running away from my wolves
* No idea - I don't speak Japanese
* Sour grapes
Why are shamrocks called shamrocks?
Strangely enough, it's not the obvious answer. They're named after Cham Roque, a Norman knight who put them in his coat of arms.
If #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it #2?
The No. 1 Pencil is a propelling pencil made of solid gold with a cap of pure diamond, and using only graphite recovered from the steering vanes of Vergeltungswaffe 2 rockets. Its whereabouts are currently unknown. A group known as the Scribaceous Society safeguards the No. 1 Pencil; its members would die rather than reveal its location, because any drawing made by it gives the artist total control over the object or person depicted.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when you start off by telling everyone your name?
Because it was assumed when AA was formed that people would give false names, but no-one caught on to that.
What causes the thing you just put down on the desk to disappear, and where does it go?
It's always been Gremlins. They've branched out recently; their latest trick is to dolly spirit fail paradise dreadful judgement guild conspiracy paladin visitors insert random gibberish into the answers in advice columns.
What's going on around here?
There's something happening here, but what it is ain't exactly clear. There's a man with a gun over there telling me I got to beware.
So stop, hey what's that sound?
It's only the scarlet soldiers, dear, only the soldiers coming.
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, what makes TEFLON stick to the pan?
Mud.
On Sunday there was a big wasp in the bathroom, yesterday there was one in the stairwell window. Where are they coming from?
You've been hit by a plague of Republican National Congress members. Put up pictures of President Obama and Hillary Clinton and you should have no more trouble.
Why is my washing machine not pumping out the water properly?
There may be a water-kelpie trapped inside. Stir a pinch of horse-radish and a teaspoonful of chopped parsley in the washing powder to set it free.
Post by: Róisín on February 07, 2021, 10:36:50 PM
Post by: Grade E cat on February 08, 2021, 03:49:03 AM
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all waiting for a ship. Looking to kill a little time, they troop down to a local vaudeville theater. They arrive just after the show has begun and take their seats in the far back of the theater, just as a juggling act is starting. After a minute, the juggler notices the four of them in the back and calls to them "Can you four see me back there?" The Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and German reply "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
Post by: JoB on February 08, 2021, 05:11:09 AM
The Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and German reply "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Jä."
Spoiler: show
Post by: Yastreb on February 08, 2021, 07:16:06 AM
Had to laugh at the last one. Are you familiar with Rick Kennett’s short story on the subject?
I remember all three tales in The Reluctant Ghost-Hunter. Any story that begins with "Mister, there's a horse in one of your washing machines" is one that stays in the mind.
Grade E Cat's joke reminded me of a supposely true story (translation; tall tale) of a nurse named Pika Bu who had a very brief stint in an Intensive Care Unit. Why so brief a stint? Because she had to take calls, and she would answer, "Pika Bu, ICU."
Post by: Róisín on February 08, 2021, 08:37:40 AM
And anent weird stories, I notice that the book you sent me mentions in passing the Long Tunnel Mine at Walhalla. Do you remember that place? That was the mine that Mark J got lost in. Many , many thanks for the parcel. Much appreciated!
Post by: Crumpite on March 28, 2021, 09:01:23 PM
A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with
two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and
let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into
their buckets, and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here,
I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now.
The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"
"Well, What?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" The man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" The man asked.
Post by: Buteo on March 29, 2021, 01:26:51 AM
Even in metropolitan areas, there is open space, which leads to a continuing demand for cheap, effective clearance of fire-prone vegetation. One such method is to have sheep or goats graze off the brush, and there are several enterprising people who maintain herds solely for this purpose. The animals are hired to clear a certain area, and then returned to their normal rural homes.
One brush-clearance specialist hit on a way of undercutting other sheepherders' prices: He did not use a truck and trailer to move his flock into and out of the LA Basin; he'd simply herd it through the Grapevine....
Post by: Róisín on March 29, 2021, 02:51:28 AM
Post by: Anna on March 29, 2021, 03:03:35 PM
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Post by: JoB on March 29, 2021, 03:14:40 PM
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.You need legal counsel who knows his "j'accuse" ...
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Post by: Yastreb on April 05, 2021, 10:59:43 PM
It's a kukri book.
Post by: Yastreb on May 15, 2021, 04:26:31 AM
I was forwarding an email with some of my short stories attached to my sister, using my mobile. I added the message "Here are some of my stories for your..."
What did the predictive text suggest to end the sentence? "Fertiliser."
A friend texted me about something on a current affairs show (can't recall why) and the exchange went thus.
"Did you see about the man who had seven children by four coherent women?"
"How many did he have by incoherent women?"
"DIFFERENT women! Bloody autocorrect!"
Post by: thegreyarea on May 15, 2021, 06:32:01 AM
Post by: Vulpes on May 15, 2021, 10:02:49 AM
I totally confused a friend when I sent a text (using a new phone whose settings I hadn't tweaked fully) saying that I was "at HGTV", when I was really "at HG", shorthand for the nicest cafe in Corner Brook, Harbour Grounds. As if it weren't confusing enough, she was unaware of HGTV, which I assume stands for Home & Garden TV - lots of shows about making your house look like a home furnishings showroom, tarting up and flipping rundown properties, and generally making you feel bad about where you live.
Post by: Grade E cat on May 16, 2021, 02:58:26 PM
Mom: How does a place end up with a name like "Obtuse Rocks Road"?
Me: Maybe it started out as "Acute Rocks Road", but a bunch of erosion happened.
Post by: Vulpes on May 16, 2021, 06:36:27 PM
Just improvised that one during a conversation with my mother:
Mom: How does a place end up with a name like "Obtuse Rocks Road"?
Me: Maybe it started out as "Acute Rocks Road", but a bunch of erosion happened.
My father was King of the Punsters, he would be veeeeery impressed with that one. :))
Post by: Yastreb on May 16, 2021, 09:57:06 PM
I make no apologies.
***
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is starting to improve.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
Post by: wavewright62 on May 31, 2021, 09:34:53 PM
Post by: Róisín on June 01, 2021, 01:54:59 AM
Post by: Yastreb on June 08, 2021, 09:21:24 PM
The Lady Varnishes
The Spy Who Loved Men
Take The Monkey And Run
The Deer Haunter
The Hunt For Fred October
Lady Windermere's Flan
The Cruel Seal
So, I was inspired to create some of my own, with tag lines.
Steven King's horror classic about bad dental hygiene... The Green Smile
His vintage was a lot stronger than expected... Blast Of The Summer Wine
An Irish Lass' Thai holiday goes badly wrong... Bridget On The River Kwai
A new romantic beach comedy... The Two Towels
Post by: Opaque on June 09, 2021, 02:00:14 AM
The Cruel Seal: The story of a psychotic seal.
Don't forget
Monty Python and the Hotly Grail
Citizen Kanye
All About Even
The Best Years of Sour Lives
Post by: Yastreb on June 09, 2021, 06:22:27 PM
And the tragic story of a shocking accident in the gym... Runaway Strain.
It's just not cricket... when it's Batsman versus Superman.
There's darkly humorous superhero action in... Irony Man.
Plus soft porn meets sword-and-sorcery in... The Breastmaster.
Post by: Opaque on June 09, 2021, 06:28:05 PM
Some more
The Wreath of Khan
Dogman
School of Rocks
Acne Ventura Pet Detective
Post by: Yastreb on June 09, 2021, 07:08:45 PM
Has this Irish lass come back with a bad attitude? It's... A Bridget Too Far.
These First Nation folk just don't care... The Least of the Mohicans.
Post by: Opaque on June 09, 2021, 07:42:57 PM
The Wring - The dramatic story a towel that takes on too much water
For Goodness Snake - The story of a kind reptile
Beef Movie - Like Bee movie but with cows
Post by: Yastreb on June 10, 2021, 01:45:18 AM
He couldn't bear to give up sweets... Diet Another Day
It's the vicar's final dance in Last Tango In Parish
Post by: Opaque on June 10, 2021, 09:27:56 AM
A romantic comedy about a girl who likes to sleep around - Catch Men if You Can
Will this boy succeed in overcoming his bowel issues using martial arts? - The Karate Skid
Our sun has uncomfortable growths on it. Oh no! - Star Warts
Post by: Jitter on June 10, 2021, 09:51:33 AM
The Modfather - the mod of all mods will moderate everything
Some like it not - not into romance Yoda is
Forgo - just leave it
Aging bull - Jake is getting old and frail
Ouch of Evil - even evil hurts when dropping book on toe
A*S*H - the field hospital burns down. End of story.
Near window - a man breaks his leg and is bored as he can't reach his window from his chair
Raiders of the Lost Park - Rookie cleansers train near Mora
Close encounters of the third kid - How come every time you turn a corner, there he is again?
The mold rush - when everything went bad
Mad Max: Fur Road - the bad guy is hoarding expensive furs! shame on him!
Post by: Jitter on June 10, 2021, 09:53:08 AM
Post by: Yastreb on June 10, 2021, 10:17:23 AM
A romantic comedy about a girl who likes to sleep around - Catch Men if You Can
There's the sequel, where she has occasional bouts of fidelity; Stand By Men
A tragedy about laryngitis... The Hoarse Whisperer
Disasters don't happen in Yorkshire, in... Apocalypse Nowt.
Post by: Opaque on June 10, 2021, 11:16:03 AM
A membership club for all the Chad's in the area - Chaddyshack
There's a seal in the way! How can we move him? - Beyond the Seal
Two competing companies are constantly trying to outdo the other - Rate Race
Post by: Yastreb on June 10, 2021, 04:45:04 PM
They're shipping after sunset in... Freight Night
This town can turn you on and turn you off. Find out how in The Switches Of Eastwick
It's Monarch versus Killer Clown in The King And It
He's a veteran fisherman. She can balance a beach ball on her nose. They're in love. It's The Old Man And The Seal.
Post by: Opaque on June 11, 2021, 10:50:09 AM
A horror story of the worst uric acid build up in medical history - Inside Gout
The famous ancient writer seeks solitude to continue his work - Homer Alone
A mysterious illness is attacking the adrenal glands of an elderly man. The doctors find out the man is much much older than they thought -The Gland Before Time
Ugh, I think I'm running out of ideas.
Post by: Jitter on June 11, 2021, 11:41:24 AM
The kitten lies in its hiding place, waiting for the unsuspecting victim! - Paws
Post by: thegreyarea on June 11, 2021, 11:57:57 AM
Pie maker just wants do bake freely - Live and Let Pie
The search for a very special vegetable - The Hunt for Red Cocumber
Post by: thegreyarea on June 11, 2021, 12:14:53 PM
Pun maker with a master work is ready to take over the world - The Man With The Golden Pun
Baker fails to make the promised pie but won't give up - Pie Another Day
---
A stack of car engines accidentaly drops over the thieves that were trying to steal them - Mortal Engines
Los Angeles 2022. The central system has a bug and sets all traffic lights to red on rush hour - Streets of Rage
Guy finds a hounted clam on his plate - Ghost In The Shell
---
In a frezzing New York she must find a way to survive until the end of the month - The Pay After Tomorrow
A frog and his son struggle to survive on a devastated land - The Toad
Somewhere in the middle of Australia a machine keeps dialing all numbers in the list - Mad Fax
---
Centuries after a mysterious outbreak revives old cassettes as sentient beings they now rule the world - Planet of the Tapes
Strange events left the planet empty. Humanity lone survivor crosses the wasteland with his dog searching for autographs - The Last Fan on Earth
Post by: Yastreb on June 11, 2021, 11:29:43 PM
What scared Napoleon the most? Just eight words... The Prussians Are Coming, The Prussians Are Coming
The first rule is; don't talk about this movie on airliners... it's Flight Club
Post by: Grade E cat on June 13, 2021, 12:08:32 PM
Post by: Anna on June 13, 2021, 07:31:15 PM
It’s his Trail Mix. :))
Post by: Róisín on June 13, 2021, 09:50:02 PM
Post by: Yastreb on June 19, 2021, 07:38:48 PM
Post by: JoB on June 20, 2021, 02:21:44 AM
A man was given emergency roadside surgery, without anaesthetic, by a pair of tailors. The most unsettling memory wasn't the pain; it was how the tailors kept saying "Suture, sir? Suture, sir?"Oh yeah, I sure did hear of this incident. Neither party will stop rantering (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rantering) anytime soon.
Post by: wavewright62 on June 20, 2021, 03:17:24 AM
Middle-aged couples kvetch in exotic locales - Teen Things I Hate About You
The sequel to the above - Moanstruck
The sequel to the Birds, after the birds repent and hang around the nearest cathedral - Birds of Pray
An exposee of the cosmetic industry's obsession with whiteness - My Fair Leady
Miscommunication hilarity ensues on an ill-fated Bolshoi Ballet tour using local extras - Dancers with Wolves
This time, they're packing heat (but not too much) - Silencer of the Lambs
The garment industry seeks to create a trend in loungewear - Robing Hood
A plucky Hawaiian girl discovers her talent for flying when she is whisked to a wizarding school - Lilo & Snitch
There's a new resident in Mordor these days - The Return of the Kong
Speaking of post-canon Tolkien, a heist movie featuring a team that stayed behind in
The craze for Asian chocolate-dipped sticks takes an unexpected turn the day they run out - The Pocky Horror Picture Show
Actually, there can be two - Thighlander
A drag cabaret with an award-winning menu - Priscilla, Queen of the Dessert
Just another day on the Venice Beach bus line - Speedo
Historical romance set in the pottery works, seeking a purified glaze colour - A Crockwork Orange
Post by: JoB on June 20, 2021, 09:27:58 AM
There's a new resident in Mordor these days - The Return of the Kong... and boy have the wargs been waiting for this one (https://www.kongcompany.com/) ...
Post by: Grade E cat on June 21, 2021, 02:11:51 AM
Post by: Yastreb on July 28, 2021, 04:46:50 AM
"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
"This house has been fully insulted."
"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
"Great Dames for sale."
"Mother's helper wanted – peasant working conditions."
"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
Post by: Jitter on July 28, 2021, 06:14:47 AM
Post by: Grade E cat on July 28, 2021, 07:18:53 AM
Some weeks ago, I decided to read a bunch of dad jokes. Personal spins on those I still remember :
For as long as I can remember, I've only had a stepladder. I lost my original ladder when I was very young.
I once tried figure out how my parents kept busy before social media was a thing. My eighteen siblings had no idea, either.
I odered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.
As a child, I was told I could be whoever I wanted to be. Then I found out identity theft is a crime.
You're supposed to say "no" to drugs, but if you're talking to drugs, it's probably already too late.
Post by: Yastreb on July 29, 2021, 07:03:46 AM
"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers"
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."
"Sheer stockings, designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else"
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
"Wanted: hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers"
Post by: Yastreb on August 10, 2021, 06:29:32 PM
Loch Doubt
Loch Jaw
Loch Smith
Ben Dover
The Firstdegree Burn
Post by: wavewright62 on August 11, 2021, 04:26:22 AM
(sorry)
Post by: Yastreb on August 11, 2021, 07:49:43 AM
Other sights of note include:
Loch Pick
Loch Herup (a popular destination for American tourists of a certain ideological/conspiratorial bent)
Loch Andload
* I apologise for that also.
Post by: Keep Looking on August 11, 2021, 08:20:20 AM
Certainly not while Melbourne is once again paying tribute to that redoubtable burgh - Loch Down.
(sorry)
Hah! (sorry, that made me laugh. Good pun)
Post by: Yastreb on August 11, 2021, 08:50:49 AM
Loch Andkey
Lock Din (not far from Loch Doubt)
Loch Door
Lock Of'Hair
Loch On
Post by: Yastreb on August 20, 2021, 08:40:22 AM
Their advisors, famed for their good health, great riches, and sagacity, are Earl Ytobed and Earl Ytorise.
There's also Count Tooten and Count Onme, and the slightly ominous Count Down.
And over there, we have the not-quite-so-well-off Baron Fields, and a couple of even less least successful nobles; Lord Elpus and Lord Haff-Mersey.
Post by: Róisín on August 21, 2021, 03:44:29 AM
Post by: Yastreb on August 21, 2021, 06:01:30 AM
Sir Cumference is a rather portly fellow
Sir Cumspect is a very cautious knight.
Sir Cumstantial can be difficult to convince.
Sir Prising can turn up when least expected.
Sir Realism... please don't ask me to describe his coat of arms. It has something to do with fish.
Sir Rounding's favourite tactic is to attack the enemy on all sides at the same time. How he does that single-handed... he's not telling.
Sir Tainty is someone you can rely on.
Sir Veillance is the Queen's Bodyguard. Nothing escapes his eyes!
Post by: Yastreb on September 26, 2021, 02:58:00 AM
So, let's start with a venerable movie franchise.
Live And Let Die In My Pants
The Spy Who Loved Me In My Pants
Diamonds Are Forever In My Pants
Die Another Day In My Pants
You Only Live Twice In My Pants
No Time To Die In My Pants
Post by: JoB on September 26, 2021, 03:04:30 AM
The aim of the game is to think of titles of films, TV shows, books, songs.... well, anything, that might be "improved" by appending the words "in my pants."... can we please rule the entire "monster snakes" genre off limits ...
Post by: tehta on September 26, 2021, 03:17:18 AM
But this whole game reminds me of the fortune cookie 'between the sheets' thing, where you add that phrase to whatever the cookie tells you.
The last one I got said "you will win many friends". Some other possibilities:
Good things take time
Don’t confuse recklessness with confidence
Share your happiness with others today
You are never too old to learn new tricks
A surprise package is waiting for you
Post by: Jitter on September 26, 2021, 05:17:00 AM
A New Hope In My Pants
Force Awakens In My Pants
Post by: tehta on September 26, 2021, 05:35:37 AM
The Two Towers in My Pants (my personal fave)
The Return of the King in My Pants.
Post by: Yastreb on September 26, 2021, 07:36:38 AM
The Running Man In My Pants
Mortal Kombat In My Pants
Finding Nemo In My Pants
Armageddon In My Pants
Post by: wavewright62 on September 27, 2021, 05:29:34 PM
On Golden Pond In My Pants
My Beautiful Laundrette In My Pants
The Breakfast Club In My Pants
Ferris Bueller's Day Off In My Pants
Yellow Submarine In My Pants
My Neighbour Totoro In My Pants
A Hard Day's Night In My Pants
Goldfinger In My Pants (seriously, you didn't include this one?)
The Magnificent Seven In My Pants
(okay, this is heading toward the 18+ board now...)
Post by: JoB on September 28, 2021, 02:56:14 AM
Goldfinger In My Pants (seriously, you didn't include this one?)Sorta already taken (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0295178/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1) ...
Post by: Opaque on September 28, 2021, 09:53:22 AM
The Hunchback of Notre Dame in my pants
Frozen in my pants
Tangled in my pants
The Sword in the Stone in my pants
The Rescuers Down Under in my pants
The Emperor's New Groove in my pants
Spirit in my pants
Over the Hedge in my pants
Shrek in my pants
Puss in Boots in my pants
Antz in my pants
Post by: Yastreb on October 02, 2021, 06:29:10 AM
A: A lycansubscriber.
Post by: Jitter on October 02, 2021, 08:38:45 AM
Post by: tehta on October 02, 2021, 08:49:40 AM
Touching the Void in My Pants (great movie, rewatched it recently)
Submarine movies might be interesting, but I think I draw the line at Crimson Tide.
Post by: Jitter on October 02, 2021, 09:20:21 AM
Post by: JoB on October 02, 2021, 01:22:54 PM
Post by: Yastreb on October 04, 2021, 09:49:10 AM
It's really sad that she died during the pandemic, because otherwise the funeral would have attracted hundreds and thousands...
Post by: Róisín on October 04, 2021, 05:26:20 PM
Post by: wavewright62 on October 11, 2021, 01:22:38 AM
It's not been widely reported, but the Australian chef who invented fairy bread died recently.
It's really sad that she died during the pandemic, because otherwise the funeral would have attracted hundreds and thousands...
;D *meanwhile all the Americans are scratching their heads*
Post by: Róisín on October 11, 2021, 03:54:40 AM
Post by: wavewright62 on October 12, 2021, 04:44:02 AM
Post by: LuckyCheshire on October 12, 2021, 09:40:55 PM
A: They have a high turnover rate.
Post by: Yastreb on October 15, 2021, 06:47:31 AM
Jack and the beans talk.
Post by: Grade E cat on October 15, 2021, 03:23:54 PM
Post by: Yastreb on October 20, 2021, 01:36:38 AM
It's called raisin awareness.
Post by: Yastreb on October 29, 2021, 06:50:44 PM
His most famous act was called The Sleight of the Bumblebee.
Post by: Yastreb on November 06, 2021, 08:08:33 AM
"He's going to Nepal," I said.
"Why?" the GM asked.
"What else would a cat man do?"
Post by: Yastreb on November 09, 2021, 07:46:16 PM
Post by: Yastreb on December 20, 2021, 06:07:52 AM
Feefiphobia.
Post by: Yastreb on December 22, 2021, 06:01:21 PM
Post by: Róisín on December 22, 2021, 07:49:24 PM
“If she likes a drappie
We maun weel agree.
If she darena tak it
All the mair for me!”.
Post by: Buteo on December 23, 2021, 11:55:41 PM
One of my cats needs a prescription diet. On top of that, he likes mixed flavours, and won't eat enough if the food isn't appealing.
So I combine a can of seafood flavor and one of poultry, and feed him fish and chicks.
Post by: Grade E cat on December 25, 2021, 03:43:45 AM
What do you call half of a "quatre-quarts" cake? A "deux-quarts".
Post by: Yastreb on January 05, 2022, 03:27:03 AM
The Navy officer ordered that all fire-fighting equipment be confirmed as fully effective, all first-aid stores fully stocked, any trip hazards eliminated, all electrical equipment properly earthed and verified as safe, and all emergency exits clearly signposted and uncluttered.
The Army officer ordered guards placed on all doors, sentinels on the roof and upper floors, roving patrols on the perimeter, and access to be restricted to authorised personnel.
The Marine Corps officer prepared plans for an assault by a company supported by mortars and rocket launchers, with detailed orders on clearing the floors of hostiles, securing prisoners and intelligence, evacuating the wounded, and setting up defences against counter-attacks.
The Air Force officer wrote, "Contact the owner to discuss options to rent or purchase."
Post by: Yastreb on February 02, 2022, 11:47:52 PM
"Mr. Speaker, I smell a rat, I see him forming in the air and darkening the sky, but I’ll nip him in the bud."
"He's skating on thin ice, and if he doesn't watch out he'll find hinself in hot water."
"He's a wolf in sheep's clothing, and cares only about feathering his own nest."
“When you open that Pandora’s box, you will find it full of Trojan horses.”
“Let’s fix our roof while the sun is shining because we’re on a course to hit the rocks and we have to fix it.”
“The fig-leaf they are trying to pull over people’s eyes just won’t wash.”
Post by: Yastreb on February 25, 2022, 08:19:15 AM
Hip gnosis.
Post by: Grade E cat on February 25, 2022, 12:34:55 PM
Post by: wavewright62 on February 27, 2022, 05:29:00 PM
What do you call esoteric knowledge when it becomes fashionable?
Hip gnosis.
You always leave us great material, but this is next-level stuff. thank you
Post by: Yastreb on March 07, 2022, 07:38:22 AM
Lacking Energy by Beau Nidle
Post by: Jitter on March 07, 2022, 07:52:54 AM
Post by: Yastreb on March 07, 2022, 08:50:09 AM
Corrected, and thanks.
Post by: dmeck7755 on March 07, 2022, 01:18:39 PM
Ah the vagrancies of English
Post by: dmeck7755 on March 07, 2022, 04:26:54 PM
K
Really? When I asked my colleague if he wanted to hear a chemistry joke, he said
Na
Post by: Grade E cat on March 08, 2022, 03:23:00 AM
Post by: dmeck7755 on March 08, 2022, 06:11:58 AM
Sorry for being the bearer of bad news, but you have nothing on this (https://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2349).
Very Very good!! Thanks
Post by: Yastreb on March 08, 2022, 07:42:43 AM
Transparency by Krystal Klear
I Can't Believe It's Butter by Marg Arine
The Sixth of June by Norman Dee
The Post-Truth Era by Lai Ying
The Gambler by Lady Moneydown
Post by: Lenny on March 09, 2022, 02:06:47 AM
My cat has Attention Deficit Disorder. He's not getting enough attention.
As someone with two cats and ADHD, I love this. I'm going to try and remember it.
Post by: Yastreb on March 15, 2022, 10:37:44 PM
arachnoleptic fit, n: The frantic dance performed just after you've walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug, n: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 am and cannot be cast out.
bozone, n: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.
cashtration, n: The act of buying a house, rendering you financially impotent for an indefinite time.
caterpallor, n: The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
dopelar effect, n: (1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. (2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
extraterrestaurant, n: An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on.
foreploy, n: Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Grantartica, n: The cold, isolated place where art companies without funding dwell.
intaxication, n: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, until you realise it was your money to start with.
kinstirpation, n: A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.
lullabuoy, n: An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Post by: Yastreb on March 16, 2022, 05:43:13 PM
A footpath.
Post by: Lee M on March 25, 2022, 12:32:28 AM
I also read a book about weightlessness, which I couldn't put down.
OK, I know that's an old gag, but I make zero Apollo g's for it.
Post by: Yastreb on March 25, 2022, 06:59:04 AM
Following news that the Origami Bank had folded, the Sumo Bank went belly up and the Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut back some branches. Now the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song.
After that round of business failures, it comes as no surprise that a salvage company has gone under, a building firm went to the wall, and a radio station called in the receivers.
Post by: Lee M on March 25, 2022, 09:42:21 AM
They said "Yes, sir," and sold me a yoghurt. Thanks for ruining the gag, Müller.
Post by: JoB on March 25, 2022, 12:11:01 PM
And here is the business report.I can wholeheartedly recommend the Plane Bank. In spite of all the recent turbulences, they still continue banking (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_dynamics_(fixed-wing_aircraft)).
Post by: dmeck7755 on March 25, 2022, 12:58:14 PM
I can wholeheartedly recommend the Plane Bank. In spite of all the recent turbulences, they still continue banking (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flight_dynamics_(fixed-wing_aircraft)).
It took me a minute to parse this joke. (Chuckle)
Post by: Lee M on March 25, 2022, 11:10:42 PM
Post by: Yastreb on March 26, 2022, 12:03:04 AM
A prominent brassiere manufacturer has gone bust, a major hairdressing franchise had to cut staff, and a chain of butchers is reported to be facing the chop.
Meanwhile, a business offering cut-price tickets for off-peak airlines turned out to be a fly-by-night operation.
This just in; a business trading in surplus armoured vehicles has tanked.
Post by: Yastreb on March 28, 2022, 07:57:18 AM
She's been dating a lot of old men lately.
Post by: Yastreb on April 10, 2022, 03:30:57 AM
I responded: "I've got an appointment with Dr. Agon. He's got a hot temper... and terrible halitosis."
And that got me thinking...
Dr. Eadful; be afraid. Be very afraid.
Dr. Am; also known as wee Dram, this diminutive Scottish GP is often mistaken for a urologist.
Dr. Unkard; don't expect a steady hand.
Post by: JoB on April 10, 2022, 04:10:19 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 10, 2022, 05:00:16 AM
Dr. Astic: given to rather extreme treatments
Dr. Oll; known for his dry wit
Post by: JoB on April 10, 2022, 05:11:51 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 10, 2022, 05:38:37 AM
... I wonder, would the dentist, Dr. Ill, be sort of this series' jackpot?
You beat me to him!
In the meantime...
Dr. Esser; always immaculately turned out
Dr. Um; poor fellow is often beaten
Post by: JoB on April 10, 2022, 05:55:27 AM
Not that they'd necessarily be a worse choice than Dr.es Ama, Eck, Ink, Ool, or Ug. If you want solid results, I'd recommend nothing less than Dr. Ywall.
Post by: Yastreb on April 10, 2022, 08:38:35 AM
If you want solid results, I'd recommend nothing less than Dr. Ywall.
I can't really say one way or another about that...
Dr. Iftwood is all washed up these days.
Dr. Ainpipe's career went down the tubes long ago.
And Dr. Ongo's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, to be honest.
Post by: Yastreb on April 11, 2022, 06:58:12 AM
Dr. Opsy is larger than life, but not in a good way.
Dr. Opout isn't qualified!
Post by: Lee M on April 12, 2022, 12:22:56 AM
I guess that's what they call a blood count.
Post by: Yastreb on April 12, 2022, 02:02:34 AM
Yastreb: 'During a Skype chat, someone wrote this: "I have appointment with Dr. Acula. He asked me something about my blood type, I don't know why."'
I guess that's what they call a blood count.
Only if you let him...
Dr. Ainage is an expert at dealing with cholera.
Dr. Ake is very meticulous. He won't give a diagnosis until he's got all his ducks in a row.
Dr. Essing-Down is of noble blood, don't you know. and complains constantly.
Post by: JoB on April 12, 2022, 03:01:45 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 12, 2022, 05:06:25 AM
Dr. Osophilia's career was doomed to be a short one.
Dr Omedary, for his part, is always getting the hump.
Dr. Eadnought brought out the big guns early in his career.
Post by: Jitter on April 12, 2022, 09:48:14 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 12, 2022, 05:22:59 PM
Dr. Awl is a classical Southern lady.
Dr. Enched is always forgetting her umbrella.
Post by: JoB on April 13, 2022, 03:09:41 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 13, 2022, 06:02:22 AM
Dr. Eary is not one to consult if you're depressed.
Dr. Essing will always recommend a salad diet.
Post by: Yastreb on April 16, 2022, 09:35:35 AM
Dr. Aconian does not have much of a bedside manner.
Dr. Opper is regrettably maladroit.
Post by: Kiran on April 17, 2022, 01:49:27 AM
Dr. Ought gives speeches about excess of water.
Post by: Yastreb on April 17, 2022, 02:28:55 AM
Dr. Over is renowned for her skill with the stockwhip.
Dr. Apeau n'est pas ici aujourd'hui.
Post by: Grade E cat on April 17, 2022, 11:36:35 AM
Dr. Apeau n'est pas ici aujourd'hui.
Il semblerait que sa santé soit en berne. (applied to a flag= flown half-mast; applied to anything else= in the process of declining or already at a quite low level)
Post by: Lee M on April 17, 2022, 11:50:19 PM
A friend* asked me, "If you could have just one superpower, what would it be?"
After thinking about it for a moment, I said, "China".
*NB Friend may have been invented for purpose of joke.
Post by: JoB on April 18, 2022, 02:26:34 AM
Il semblerait que sa santé soit en berne.Ah, faut que je vais renouveler mon passeport (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Berne,_Indiana), donc ...
Post by: Yastreb on May 21, 2022, 02:13:37 AM
Dr. Augr is not pleasant company by any measure.
Dr. Ang is often found with St Urm.
Post by: Róisín on May 21, 2022, 05:31:24 AM
Post by: Lee M on June 04, 2022, 02:09:58 PM
Now let's meet some of the Knights of the Oblong Table.
Sir Cumference is a rather portly fellow
Sir Cumspect is a very cautious knight.
Sir Cumstantial can be difficult to convince.
Sir Prising can turn up when least expected.
Sir Realism... please don't ask me to describe his coat of arms. It has something to do with fish.
Sir Rounding's favourite tactic is to attack the enemy on all sides at the same time. How he does that single-handed... he's not telling.
Sir Tainty is someone you can rely on.
Sir Veillance is the Queen's Bodyguard. Nothing escapes his eyes!
Sir Kit of Daytona makes his rounds quickly.
Sir Feit of Lampreys is just too much.
And the aptly named Sir Not Appearing in This Joke.
Post by: JoB on June 04, 2022, 02:28:28 PM
And the aptly named Sir Not Appearing in This Joke.In fact, nobody has seen him ever since - out of the blue sky - he ran off after publicly claiming himself to be Sir Fsup.
Post by: Yastreb on June 04, 2022, 07:46:12 PM
Quote
he ran off after publicly claiming himself to be Sir Fsup
Presumably he's related to Sir F'city.
Post by: Lee M on June 06, 2022, 12:21:03 AM
Post by: Yastreb on June 11, 2022, 09:13:15 AM
I gave in to temptation and posted this...
"I can imagine the crew being told that they're being transferred to the infantry as punishment. "And that's howitzer gunner be!""
Post by: Róisín on June 11, 2022, 10:55:35 PM
Post by: Lee M on June 12, 2022, 11:20:37 PM
A fella once asked me, "Should we be allowed to own land on the Moon?" I said, "It's a grey area."
To which I might add, nobody will ever inherit the Moon, because there's no air apparent.
Post by: Yastreb on June 28, 2022, 06:04:16 AM
“Don’t abuse yourself, that’s our job.”
“Draw a line in the sand, and if that doesn’t work, you pull the plug.”
“Give her enough rope, and she’ll dig herself a deeper and deeper hole.”
“I saw a thunderstorm walking home last night.”
“I’m not raising my head above the radar unless I have to.”
“If he pulls it off, maybe he can swing it.”
“It was a slow news day, so they brought out that old chestnut and gave it a run.”
“The fourth of Saturday is a March.”
“There’s no light at the end of the rainbow.”
“This tickle in the throat’s a pain in the bum.”
Post by: Yastreb on July 11, 2022, 09:34:17 PM
Nicholas Monserrat's classic tale of retail tragedy... The Shop That Died Of Shame
Don't trust a man with iron thews and a big sword, he might be... Conman The Barbarian
Bankruptcies abound wherever he goes... The Ruining Man
Post by: Yastreb on August 15, 2022, 09:57:10 PM
"But why?" the boy sobbed.
His father shrugged. "Alfred lauds tennis, son!"
Post by: dmeck7755 on August 18, 2022, 02:09:24 PM
Post by: Yastreb on August 19, 2022, 06:39:16 AM
Why? Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire.
Post by: dmeck7755 on October 04, 2022, 02:58:04 PM
Post by: Yastreb on October 04, 2022, 07:59:07 PM
1158 - The place name was led back an upright standing monk with benediction hand and gebetbuch already in the Middle Ages to "munich/muenich", thus "monk", why the first delivered city seal (1239) already shows a monk head with zipfelmuetze, starting from 1304. Like that it is today common as stadtwappen and city seals still in representative form. ...
1180 - Pfalzgraf petrol from the house Wittelsbach becomes duke of Bavaria. It begins the government of this sex persisting to 1918 as dukes, cure prince and kings of Bavaria. ...
1481 - So far also still with several buildings, among other things a chapel, market place cultivated from this is released and becomes only now the rectangular free space as which it today presents itself.
Post by: Grade E cat on October 08, 2022, 08:50:07 AM
My brain seems to have latched onto Hamilton songs out of nowhere. You know what, I've been working non-stop for about two hours. I'm going take a break, I'll be right back.
Post by: Yastreb on October 08, 2022, 05:22:10 PM
"The crowd cheered as the aeroplane soared overheard and waved handkerchiefs."
"The Shadow grabbed up a revolver and fired three times. Crack! Crack! Crack! Two constables fell dead and the third whistled through his hat."
Then there was a running gag about the sign above the village store: "Chas H Lumley Home-made cakes and bicycles repaired."
Post by: dmeck7755 on October 22, 2022, 07:30:35 PM
2. The unbelievable knight: Sir Real
3. The knights who were so fat they sat around a table by themselves: Sir Round and Sir Cumference
4. The undercover knight: Sir Veillance
5. The knight who came to an untimely end: Sir Cease
6. The knight who never got killed in battle: Sir Vivor
7. The knight who always guessed right: Sir Miser
8. The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Past
9. The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prise
10. The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount
11. The knight who funded the castle's operations: Sir Tax
12. The knight who kept the kingdom's maps up to date: Sir Veyor
13. The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis
14. The knight always called on as the first substitute: Sir Rogate
15. The most outstanding of all the knights: Sir Perb
16. The hardest knight of them all: Sir Amic
17. The knight who was most at home in a 3-ring castle: Sir Cus
18. The saddest knight of them all: Sir Rowful
19. The extra knights: Sir Perfluous and Sir Pernumerary
20. The dancing knight: Sir Prance Alot
Received from Barry Lunt.
Post by: dmeck7755 on October 22, 2022, 07:33:32 PM
1- You are as elegant as moonlight and shadow, my sleek panther, my tiny hunter
2- You are my little boopersnoot squigglebutt squishydoodle
3- STOP EATING PLASTIC YOU GODDAMN MALEVOLENT LITTLE GARGOYLE
Post by: Róisín on October 23, 2022, 03:00:34 AM
Post by: Yastreb on October 23, 2022, 04:42:38 AM
5 - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE THE LITTERBOX, DAMN YOU!
6 - WHY CAN'T YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY?!? (Also rendered as MOVE, CAT!)
Post by: Róisín on October 23, 2022, 06:16:08 AM
Post by: dmeck7755 on October 23, 2022, 09:27:12 AM
WRT cats...
5 - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE THE LITTERBOX, DAMN YOU!
6 - WHY CAN'T YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY?!? (Also rendered as MOVE, CAT!)
MOVE CAT!!! is a great one. Yesterday I accidentally stepped on one of their tails. He has been avoiding me since :(
Post by: Grade E cat on October 23, 2022, 09:28:28 AM
- Okay Mr. Hungry One, here's a nice bowl of special vetenarian cat food with two differents medicines mixed in... wait, where did you go? (He eventually comes back to eat it, but still...)
- I know this is a single bed, but you're a tenth of my size, you shouldn't be taking up that much space!
Post by: thorny on October 23, 2022, 10:53:02 AM
WRT cats...
6 - WHY CAN'T YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY?!? (Also rendered as MOVE, CAT!)
Even more applicable, currently, to the relatively-new fairly large puppy. No, I don't want to walk into your wet nose! Move it!
MOVE CAT!!! is a great one. Yesterday I accidentally stepped on one of their tails. He has been avoiding me since :(
That doesn't seem to cause mine to avoid me. If anything they get more underfoot, demanding I pick them up and pat them in apology for stepping on them.
(yes, yes, I know. If I didn't, some of the time, pick up and pat the Underfoot Cat in the Way, they wouldn't get in the way as often. But . . . )
Post by: Yastreb on October 24, 2022, 01:18:55 AM
"Waiter, there's a hair in my wine!"
"Sorry sir, it must still be FUR-menting."
Post by: Róisín on October 24, 2022, 06:52:52 AM
Post by: dmeck7755 on October 24, 2022, 08:26:33 AM
Thorny, the other annoying cat feature is their power of selective gravity. They can move like a light breeze over things that should make noise as they cross, but don’t. Then they lie on the blanket directly above your feet, and suddenly weigh as much as a human. And Aggie is a tiny delicate cat!
We have two cats that have mastered the art of furry-brickness.
You get up to go to the bathroom and there is this heavy furry rock in your place
Post by: thorny on October 24, 2022, 08:55:03 AM
Thorny, the other annoying cat feature is their power of selective gravity.
Oh yes indeed.
Pick up a cat who wants to be picked up? Weighs as much as a fluffy blanket.
Pick up a cat who doesn't want to be picked up? Weighs as much as a block of lead.
Post by: Yastreb on October 24, 2022, 05:38:52 PM
When Dr Felton referred to von Ribbentrop's Luger, and added, "This weapon was captured by a US officer concealed in some of his personal baggage..." Did anyone else just for an instant wonder how a US officer managed to conceal himself in von Ribbentrop's personal baggage?
Post by: Róisín on October 25, 2022, 06:26:57 AM
Post by: Buteo on October 25, 2022, 01:00:40 PM
I was watching a video on Mark Felton's military channel about the personal sidearms of Nazi leaders, and something Dr Felton said prompted me to post this comment.
When Dr Felton referred to von Ribbentrop's Luger, and added, "This weapon was captured by a US officer concealed in some of his personal baggage..." Did anyone else just for an instant wonder how a US officer managed to conceal himself in von Ribbentrop's personal baggage?
It's a wonderful mental image, isn't it?
Heard again today an old and awful joke: “Why is this lousy pub called ‘The Fiddle’?” “Because it is a vile inn!” Groannnn!
O, boe!
Post by: Yastreb on October 26, 2022, 08:31:25 AM
"STOP PLAYING WITH THAT! IT'S NOT A TOY!"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHEN WILL YOU STOP PUSHING THINGS OVER!?!"*
* This gave rise to the often quoted meme about why cats prove the Earth isn't flat, because cats would have pushed everything over the edge by now...
Post by: dmeck7755 on October 26, 2022, 11:06:08 AM
Back to cats...LOL
"STOP PLAYING WITH THAT! IT'S NOT A TOY!"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHEN WILL YOU STOP PUSHING THINGS OVER!?!"*
* This gave rise to the often quoted meme about why cats prove the Earth isn't flat, because cats would have pushed everything over the edge by now...
Another is "Get OUT of my feet"
Post by: Yastreb on October 27, 2022, 07:09:00 PM
I sent a food parcel to my former wife. FedEx.
My attempts to mix nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.
Post by: Yastreb on October 31, 2022, 06:32:17 AM
"GET OFF MY LAPTOP!"
Fortitude is the trope namer here. One time I found her sitting on the keyboard; she'd activated airplane mode, put the volume on mute, and opened a new tab on Bing. Another time she created and saved a bookmark folder called something like ssssssssssssss;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;.
Post by: Grade E cat on October 31, 2022, 04:45:18 PM
Me: Awww, you want to cuddle with me, you're so sweet.
Weather report: This week starts the year's second go at a summer-to-autumn transition. Expect rain and a drop in temperature.
Post by: dmeck7755 on November 10, 2022, 11:16:33 AM
(https://www.whatonearthcatalog.com/graphics/products/zoom/HX7371.jpg)
Post by: Yastreb on November 10, 2022, 06:58:02 PM
At a bakery: "Please use tongues, not hands, to remove cakes"
From Bigpond online news
Bad buttocks procedure burns star
Mexican rock star Alejandra Guzman says she has been hospitalised with an infection from buttocks injections she had to make herself 'more beautiful'.
(I suppose that's what happens when a story gets phoned in...)
A sign at a salon: "Hair, Beauty and Fat Removal."
(So the goal is bald, ugly and thin?)
Post by: Róisín on November 10, 2022, 10:03:48 PM
Post by: Yastreb on November 16, 2022, 07:22:27 AM
He vowed he go to the ends of the Earth to woo her, but gave up. She was... A Bride Too Far.
Duelling banjos? Not in India! There, they have... Sitar Wars.
Gauntlets, meet mittens. It's a match made in Heaven. It's... Glove Story.
Post by: dmeck7755 on November 18, 2022, 06:10:56 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/J0RL38F0/thanksgiving-treat.jpg)
Post by: JoB on November 19, 2022, 05:02:20 AM
This is a prank worthy of Mikkel[pulls a baking tin of Rocher au gratin from the oven]
... umh, how so?
Spoiler: show
Post by: angsttronaut on November 19, 2022, 07:22:33 AM
The doctor nods. 'Lie down and look through the skylight.'
The man does as he is asked, and looks through the skylight.
'What do you see?' asks the eye doctor.
'The stars.'
'Well, how far do you want to see?'
Post by: Yastreb on November 19, 2022, 04:34:51 PM
Post by: Grade E cat on November 26, 2022, 05:05:45 AM
Don't get in a conversation with a perpetual motion specialist, they never shut up.
Post by: Yastreb on December 21, 2022, 12:19:27 AM
Post by: Yastreb on January 15, 2023, 06:27:05 PM
Post by: Buteo on January 15, 2023, 06:44:38 PM
Post by: Róisín on January 15, 2023, 08:46:36 PM
Post by: JoB on January 16, 2023, 12:46:09 AM
I don't like talking about Japanese swords. I've always found them to be a tachi subject.Indeed, it's a tsuba difficult topic to discuss.
I reckon all you could kill with wasabi would be some taste buds.
Spoiler: NerdAlert • show
Post by: Róisín on January 16, 2023, 01:08:38 AM
Post by: dmeck7755 on January 17, 2023, 08:58:53 AM
I have never had the mucous membrane irritation, but the tips of my ears will get really tingly.
Post by: Buteo on January 17, 2023, 01:28:18 PM
Post by: Yastreb on January 21, 2023, 04:20:14 AM
"Hey, whatever floats your boat."
"No, that's buoyancy."
Post by: Yastreb on February 03, 2023, 08:16:28 PM
Post by: Grade E cat on February 08, 2023, 04:15:45 PM
Spoiler: show
Edit: Now I'm laughing at what the curse word got changed to by the censor, considering the setup I'm using for the joke.
Post by: Jitter on February 09, 2023, 02:28:34 PM
Post by: Yastreb on February 15, 2023, 10:28:45 PM
(A customer walks in the door.)
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning sir, welcome to Reynolds' Rifle Emporium.
Customer: Ah thank you my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: I'd like to buy a bolt-action military grade rifle.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a Mauser Gewehr 1888.
O: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Mauser Gewehr 1888s.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Springfields?
O: I'm afraid we never have those at the end of the week, sir.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well then, a Karabiner 98k, if you please.
O: Ah! It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
C: Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Mannlicher-Carcano?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Ross Mark 3?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Springfield M1903?
O: Sorry.
C: Any Krag-Jorgensens, per chance?
O: No.
C: Berthier?
O: No..
C: VZ24?
O: (pause) No.
C: Vitterli Vitali?
O: No.
C: MAS CR 36, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have that, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's ah... it's not in good condition.
C: Oh, I don’t mind that.
O: Well,.. It's in very poor condition, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither le fusil de la Belle France!
O: I...think it's unsafe to use, sir.
C: I don't care how unsafe to use it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oh........! (pause)
C: What now?
O: The stock’s been completely eaten away.
C: (pause) Has it?
O: Yes sir. Termites.
(pause)
C: Lee-Metford?
O: No.
C: Mannlicher M1888?
O: No.
C: Arisaka Type 38?
O: No sir.
C: You... do have rifles, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a Rifle Emporium, sir. We've got...
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uh, Enfield...
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have one!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Enfield, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Dreyse Needle-gun?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: FN Model 24?
O: No.
C: VZ33?
O: No.
C: Schmidt-Rubin?
O: Not today, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Short-Magazine Lee-Enfield Mark 4?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much call... it's the single most popular bolt-action military grade rifle in the world!
O: Not around here, sir.
C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular bolt-action military grade rifle around hyah?
O: Mosin-Nagant, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular around here.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uh... Mosin-Nagant, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a Rifle Emporium, is it?
O: Finest in the district sir!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by rifles.
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Lebel Modele 1887, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be.
C: (slowly) Have you got a Lebel Modele 1887?
O: No.
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any bolt-action military grade rifles here at all?
O: Yes, sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: No sir. Not a single one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
C: You know, if I had a rifle, I could shoot you right now.
O: That is an amusing irony, sir.
Spoiler: show
Post by: Yastreb on March 19, 2023, 09:15:17 AM
Post by: Yastreb on April 11, 2023, 04:52:27 AM
He was 82, but felt like 67.
Post by: Róisín on June 11, 2023, 01:21:34 PM
“You have a hole in one!”
Post by: Yastreb on June 12, 2023, 07:17:12 AM
He was an expert de-bunker.
Post by: GOBBO on June 13, 2023, 02:05:18 AM
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange Who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange Who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Bannanna! \
Banana Who?
Banana You Glad I Didn't Say Orange Again?!
Here's another!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Bannanna! \
Banana Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Bannanna! \
Banana Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Bannanna! \
Banana Who?Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana Wh--
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[/font]
Post by: Yastreb on July 05, 2023, 04:45:40 AM
The doctor tells him, "I'm afraid so. It's just the tip of the Iceberg."
Post by: dmeck7755 on July 07, 2023, 08:57:02 AM
What is the internal temperature of a tauntaun ?
Spoiler: show
Post by: wavewright62 on July 08, 2023, 07:02:06 AM
Post by: Yastreb on July 17, 2023, 09:07:57 AM
I said, "You need to put an engine on that one-handed scythe. Then you'd have a motor-sickle."
Post by: Róisín on July 17, 2023, 11:31:42 AM
Post by: wavewright62 on July 18, 2023, 11:44:45 PM
I don't wanna pickle
I just wanna ride on my motorsickle
I don't wanna pie
I just wanna ride on my motorcy...
cle
Post by: Róisín on July 19, 2023, 02:04:55 AM
Post by: thorny on July 19, 2023, 08:35:26 AM
Post by: Yastreb on July 19, 2023, 09:06:17 AM
Post by: thorny on July 19, 2023, 03:54:10 PM
It's definitely "die". He's supposedly singing it after having accidentally ridden off a cliff.
ETA: and it's Arlo Guthrie, not Pete Seeger. Though I don't know whether Seeger sang it also; though parts of it don't sound like him.
Post by: Róisín on July 19, 2023, 10:29:13 PM
Post by: Róisín on July 20, 2023, 08:02:05 AM
Post by: thorny on July 20, 2023, 09:05:39 AM
Did Seeger do the part about the cop being killed, and that being funny? It doesn't sound like him. But maybe he just sang it, without the accompanying story.
Post by: wavewright62 on July 21, 2023, 03:26:16 AM
my bad
Whether it was Arlo or Pete, I also did not look up, but I remember it from a snippet of a performance Pete gave once where he sang snippets of a couple of songs as an intro. Also featured, a verse of 'always marry a Texas girl, 'cause no matter what may happen, she's seen worse'.
Post by: Jitter on August 25, 2023, 04:44:05 PM
Post by: Buteo on August 26, 2023, 01:16:31 AM
It includes the common and scientific name of each species, and an overall title for the whole gallery:
CORVID 19
Post by: Jitter on August 26, 2023, 09:53:24 AM
What is it with puns anyways, why are they supposedly terrible and embarrassing in English? Doesn’t everyone love puns? If not, why? Puns are the bestest!
Post by: Yastreb on August 26, 2023, 10:30:43 AM
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Post by: wavewright62 on August 26, 2023, 09:51:14 PM
Post by: JoB on August 27, 2023, 03:55:17 AM
(https://i.postimg.cc/8CV6zQ63/IMG-8897.jpg)
CORVID 19
What is it with puns anyways, why are they supposedly terrible and embarrassing in English? Doesn’t everyone love puns? If not, why? Puns are the bestest!Well, in this case, it's just shade-y business (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ocean%27s_(film_series)).
Post by: Yastreb on September 05, 2023, 05:33:26 AM
It was a millennial falcon.
Post by: Yastreb on October 04, 2023, 08:44:42 PM
Then it finally dawned on me.
Post by: Jitter on October 05, 2023, 11:29:56 AM
Post by: Yastreb on November 05, 2023, 04:26:58 AM
Post by: Róisín on November 08, 2023, 07:46:36 PM
A heated debate.
And yes, I know one is not supposed to argue in a sauna, it’s disrespectful to the sauna spirit. But I heard this groan-worthy dad joke….
Post by: wavewright62 on November 08, 2023, 10:34:56 PM
Post by: Yastreb on November 09, 2023, 12:55:01 AM
Post by: Yastreb on November 16, 2023, 08:59:50 AM
Post by: JoB on November 16, 2023, 01:36:56 PM
A man working at a railway museum was found to be a spy. He was a sleeper agent.... and everyone thought he was such a tender guy.
Post by: Róisín on December 24, 2023, 03:52:50 AM
Why, so he can Ho, Ho, Ho, of course!
Post by: wavewright62 on December 24, 2023, 05:26:46 PM
What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
Spoiler: show
What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Spoiler: show
What's the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?
Spoiler: show
Why are mummies such big fans of Christmas?
Spoiler: show
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
Spoiler: show
What do you call an old snowman?
Spoiler: show
What's the difference between Batman and the Grinch?
Spoiler: show
Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?
Spoiler: show
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Spoiler: show
What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
Spoiler: show
When is a Christmas dinner bad for your health?
Spoiler: show
What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol?
Spoiler: show
What did the farmer get for Christmas?
Spoiler: show
What you can call a polar bear which wears ear muffs?
Spoiler: show
What did one Christmas light say to the other Christmas light?
Spoiler: show
What did Santa do when he went speed dating?
Spoiler: show
How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
Spoiler: show
What is the Grinch's least favourite band?
Spoiler: show
How is Drake like an elf?
Spoiler: show
What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undercrackers?
Spoiler: show
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Spoiler: show
What’s a dog’s favourite carol?
Spoiler: show
Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
Spoiler: show
Which of Santa's reindeer has the best moves?
Spoiler: show
Why was the turkey in the pop group?
Spoiler: show
What do you get if you put a bell on a skunk?
Spoiler: show
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Spoiler: show
Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
Spoiler: show
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
Spoiler: show
Which Christmas carol is about an animal with three legs?
Spoiler: show
Why does Mrs Claus keep checking Santa's phone?
Spoiler: show
Post by: wavewright62 on December 29, 2023, 04:32:51 PM
Crossbreed every type of dog until all you're left with is an
.
.
.
.
everything beagle
:.D
Post by: Yastreb on January 11, 2024, 03:27:04 AM
It was a waist of time.
Post by: Yastreb on January 16, 2024, 01:27:16 AM
So the congregation decided on a European trip for their beloved pastor, and on Saturday made him acquainted with the delightful fact. Accompanying the report of the committee was a nicely-filled purse, which was placed at the disposal of the pastor, who, after thanking them, made a turn down South Main Street as far as Planet, then up Planet to Benefit Street, where he was caught by some boys, who tied a pan to his tail. Away he went again, up Benefit Street and down College, at the foot of which he was shot by a policeman.
Post by: dmeck7755 on January 16, 2024, 05:00:45 PM
I recently found a book called Just My Typo; a compilation of howlers of various kinds. Among them were examples of articles that suddenly switched topic by accident. I offer this one.
So the congregation decided on a European trip for their beloved pastor, and on Saturday made him acquainted with the delightful fact. Accompanying the report of the committee was a nicely-filled purse, which was placed at the disposal of the pastor, who, after thanking them, made a turn down South Main Street as far as Planet, then up Planet to Benefit Street, where he was caught by some boys, who tied a pan to his tail. Away he went again, up Benefit Street and down College, at the foot of which he was shot by a policeman.
Not to mention one mighty big run-on sentence
Post by: Yastreb on January 18, 2024, 06:53:52 PM
Other Poster: I just found out that there is a museum by the name Dracula Experience Ltd in Newburyport. Maybe they have some garlic?
Me: Mark, I thought the Dracula Experience Ltd was a stake house.
Post by: JoB on January 23, 2024, 07:38:47 AM
Mark: I thought the Dracula Experience Ltd was a stake house.I wonder whether "everything sucked!" would be considered a positive review?
Post by: Groupoid on January 27, 2024, 04:41:14 PM
Spoiler: show
Post by: JoB on January 28, 2024, 05:09:23 AM
A nickname for the Madsen siblings:Spoiler: show
Spoiler: show
Post by: Yastreb on February 15, 2024, 10:36:57 PM
I posted this comment: "I'm imagining McCall's review of the book afterwards: "Powerful, hard-hitting... I couldn't put it down.""
Post by: wavewright62 on February 17, 2024, 12:24:14 AM
While on YouTube I chanced on a scene from one of the films in the Equalizer franchise, in which the titular character McCall (Denzel Washington) is quietly reading a book in a diner when a gunman threatens him. McCall knocks out the gunman... using the book.
I posted this comment: "I'm imagining McCall's review of the book afterwards: "Powerful, hard-hitting... I couldn't put it down.""
hahahaha love it "Really hits you where you live", does it? (I don't know the movies, so I don't where the book impacted.)
Post by: Róisín on March 07, 2024, 03:09:11 AM
“Sorry, my fault!”.
Post by: Yastreb on March 07, 2024, 06:01:42 AM
Post by: Buteo on March 07, 2024, 01:47:40 PM
The usual fault line...
Post by: dmeck7755 on March 28, 2024, 12:20:28 PM
He goes to the funeral, kneels down in front of the coffin
and says, "Who's thinking outside of the box now Carl?"
Post by: Yastreb on April 06, 2024, 09:28:55 AM
Arms Reach
Dockofthe Bay
Gimme Moor
Ohsaycanyou Sea
Upside Downs
Wholelot Moor
Youshallnot Pass
Post by: Buteo on April 07, 2024, 01:18:21 AM
Nowlive Stream
Dirty Pool
Timeto Rock
Holdemat Bay
Notgonna Cave
Post by: Yastreb on April 07, 2024, 05:25:50 AM
Donotres Pond
Dontgivea Dam
Extreme Range
Pleasex Plain
Ultra Sound
Post by: LooNEY_DAC on April 07, 2024, 07:30:19 AM
Indy's Hills
Strongdy Fens
Swiftes Cape
Joints Creek
Spoonsand Forks
Seaspot Run
Slowday Butte
Post by: Buteo on April 07, 2024, 02:22:03 PM
Any Port
Dontdiso Bay
Justayka Peak
Implantsora Bridge
Cantletthat Pass
Post by: Yastreb on April 09, 2024, 07:41:30 AM
Intoo Deep
Kissmy Butte
Outof Reach
Part Ridge
Post by: JoB on April 09, 2024, 12:36:39 PM
Post by: Yastreb on April 12, 2024, 09:06:30 PM
Gojumpinthe Lake
Leets Peak
Mount Ingblock
Rifle Range
Post by: wavewright62 on April 14, 2024, 06:18:11 PM
Kissmy Butte
Pair this one with the real Kissimmee, Florida! (Although, no buttes there, 'tis flat lands.)
Post by: JoB on April 16, 2024, 05:40:20 PM
Mind you, this volume has been the subject of so many rewrites, I should have found editing a whole lot easier this time around!Editing is a rewording activity.
Post by: Yastreb on April 20, 2024, 07:22:33 AM
Yastreb
Santos Bonacci: "These salt flats prove the Earth is flat."
Everybody else: "I don't Bolivia!"
Exit311
But he Peru'ved it
bobblum5973
Well, that pun fell flat... :) (Actually a good one!)
marksmithinspirationalspea3836
Leave by the ecua-door!!!
PabloSanchez-qu6ib
Drats! The report button has boxes for spam, violence and porn but I cannot find the weapon grade pun option.
Yastreb (PabloSanchez-qu6ib)
I was expecting a Chile reception, to be honest.
DanielGBenesScienceShows
These Guayana roll! There’s Germany of these country-related puns, but yet, somehow I’m still Hungary for more! Armenia more of these can there be possibly be? If you find more, Kenya guys please let us know? Ukrain share them here if you want, and Tibet you will! Oh where’s my manners… if it costs you anything to share them, Belize let me know and I’m Ghana Togo ahead send you a Czech.
simond.455
This thread went South America fast. I'm Guyana leave before someone starts to wonder about my Suriname.
DanielGBenesScienceShows
If you're Hungary for more, don't worry. We'll Fiji.
Yastreb (DanielGBenesScienceShows)
Am I Russian to provide more puns? Yes, Siam!
bobblum5973
There's a Brazilian more puns where these came from!
Yastreb
People can't stand these puns. They want to complain to whoever is in charge. They're shouting, "Get the Bosphorus!"
bobblum5973
The Science Fiction author Spider Robinson noted that "Shared pain is lessened, shared joy increased." He is also known as writing some wonderfully horrendous puns. I think the two things are related.
Yastreb (DanielGBenesScienceShows)
Check out the short story compilation "Callahan's Cross-time Saloon," where you'll find a plethora of puns (but no pinatas...)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Callahan%27s_Crosstime_Saloon (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Callahan%27s_Crosstime_Saloon)
DanielGBenesScienceShows (Yastreb)
I’ll check that out! PS- I wrote a book about puns once. It was made out of paper. It was tearable. I wrote the first draft with a pencil, but the pencil tips kept breaking. So I switched to a pen, because writing with a pencil was pointless.
Post by: Róisín on April 20, 2024, 09:13:57 AM
Post by: Róisín on April 20, 2024, 09:30:55 AM
And on a slightly different note of SF and F writers with weird senses of humour, was it Isaac Asimov who wrote a book about Limericks?
Post by: Jitter on April 20, 2024, 10:49:06 AM
Post by: Róisín on April 20, 2024, 03:17:49 PM
Post by: wavewright62 on April 20, 2024, 07:40:28 PM
I have no memory of a bar thread? Likely to have been operational in 2014 before I joined, or in 2015 when I was still too scared of how fast the forum moved to participate much. It may have been in the Good Morning Thread (https://ssssforum.com/index.php?topic=491.0) the corresponding Eich's Goodnight Thread (https://ssssforum.com/index.php?topic=84.0).
Post by: LooNEY_DAC on April 20, 2024, 09:35:03 PM
And it occurs to me: dunno if it had died by the time you joined the Forum, but if you enjoyed Callahan’s you might well find some interest in the Forum thread ‘Crossroads’, which was set in a similarly weird bar. We had a lot of fun there. Can’t find it now, but it is probably somewhere among Forum Memories?
I have no memory of a bar thread? Likely to have been operational in 2014 before I joined, or in 2015 when I was still too scared of how fast the forum moved to participate much. It may have been in the Good Morning Thread (https://ssssforum.com/index.php?topic=491.0) the corresponding Eich's Goodnight Thread (https://ssssforum.com/index.php?topic=84.0).Actually, it's here (https://ssssforum.com/index.php?topic=731.0).
Post by: Yastreb on April 20, 2024, 11:05:04 PM
Amper sands
Goodg Reef
Per Spire
Permissiontos Peak
Slow Burn
Post by: JoB on April 21, 2024, 10:06:54 AM
Yastreb, this was gold from start to Finnish.A-greeced, by which Armen-ia Keptin (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keptin) a Rolle (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rolle) Olduvai (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olduvai_Gorge).